freebird31 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Well..I didn't realize this before but I'm realizing it now:( I was feeling down and emotionally turmoiled with how things end with my most recent guy I was talking to. (The whole thing was a total dysfunctuntional and I wasn't even over my ex going into this). Anyway the last time we talked ended in a disagreement and we hadn't talked in a month. For a month without him I had been feeling really sick...I realized he was the person who distracted me thoughts of my ex:( and not only that I kind of missed talking to this most recent guy. Anyway the whole thing happened and I reached out to him and I came across extremely needy. Because I am needy. I did like this guy, but I also liked that he took away the pain of thinking about my ex. Now I don't have anyone...and I'm a complete mess ...and just running into my exs mom has made everything worse. I came across so needy and my ego is in pieces right now. But I really feel like I need this guy to stop feeling the pain...I did like him...maybe it could have turned into something more...I wasn't looking to date when I met him. I just think I have mental problems at this point...serious issues. Not only do I not know how to let go of people, I am emotionally dependent on people. I can't do it alone:( not anymore...it's been so long.... why do I still feel pain!? I really need someone, anyone to take this sad pain away. Is Something'wrong with me? Why can't I be a normal, emotionally independent person? Why am I needy? I just don't know anymore.
Author freebird31 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Wow reading what I wrote made me realize how selfish I had been. I really did like this guy, I did. And I wish it could have worked had I just been over my ex. I really e joyed talking to him. But now I have ruined it completely with my neediness. I for sure scared him away:/ oh well
Author freebird31 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 At this point I'm starting to thing something might be seriously wrong here with me. I still feel immense sadness and grief when I think of my ex. I don't do well with letting people go. I only talked to this other guy for around 2-3 months and we shared personal things with one another. I feel sad to lose another friend/person whatever he was in my life. Something's wrong with me. I feel too much. I am too emotional...
lawbstar Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Don't let things get to your head too much. Everyone is different, so what if you are needy? At least you realize it. Now, what you do about your neediness is up to you. You can try not to be needy, but change is always slow. Also, change is also scary, so it is normal to feel out of place and just feel terrible now that someone has left your life. You will need time to heal. It will not happen right away, but as long as you really try and believe that you can get better, you will. If you think you need professional help with any of your needs, by all means seek it. Breakups are almost like deaths. It is like the person is just not in your life anymore, and it really sucks, but it happens. It will take time, but you can heal.
Author freebird31 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Don't let things get to your head too much. Everyone is different, so what if you are needy? At least you realize it. Now, what you do about your neediness is up to you. You can try not to be needy, but change is always slow. Also, change is also scary, so it is normal to feel out of place and just feel terrible now that someone has left your life. You will need time to heal. It will not happen right away, but as long as you really try and believe that you can get better, you will. If you think you need professional help with any of your needs, by all means seek it. Breakups are almost like deaths. It is like the person is just not in your life anymore, and it really sucks, but it happens. It will take time, but you can heal. Idk....honestly i think im really messed up. i dont know how to let people go. Its taking me such a long time to let go of my ex. And now that i met this other guy, it kind of didn't help. because i got a little attached when i was not completely over my ex to begin with. and now i have to deal with another loss, although he did not mean as much to me as my ex did but i again, spoke to this guy straight from the core of my heart. we shared personal things with eachother like our past experiences with our exes. I told him about how my heart was broken over my ex, and he shared with me his experiences where he was cheated on and broken for many years. It was definitely a dysfunctional fling, but we somehow understood one another's pain. Anyway, I think i got too emotional and needy at one point and i just may have overwhelmed him with feelings. But i dont want to change the emotional part of myself. That is just who i am. I am open, upfront, and honest when it comes to how i feel. 1
JDPT Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Being extremely needy can be the equivalent of an addiction. If you recall at the beginning stages you probably said the same about your ex and how desperately you perhaps needed him to ease the pain. Later on down the line you doing this new guy who was not quiet enough but got you high nonetheless. It's fine to maybe ask yourself what it is that you truly look for I'm relationships and what you'll like to feel and accomplish once those relationships come to an end. I'm not trying to sound negative at all but rather think about the moments times when we are put to the test and need to stand all alone on our own two feet. This may be one of those moments for you.
Lokin4AReason Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 everyone longs for someone or something ... it differs from person to person. but if you feel that way, that is who you are. there is no shame in that. you just havent found that one that is on the same page as you. give it time ( hurt heals as they say, which i am no expert on ), that someone will arrive sooner or later plus a word of advice, do not look back or dwell in the past, it will not only poison the future but it will poison the present day opportunities ( which havent presented themselves yet ) 1
radiodarcy Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Is Something'wrong with me? Why can't I be a normal, emotionally independent person? Why am I needy? I just don't know anymore. I struggle with this too. It's probably why I haven't been in a relationship in four years and have been off and on dating websites ever since I am in therapy trying to sort out my issues. But I still feel that urge to connect with people. I'm getting to the point where I am happy with myself and am starting to enjoy being alone. But I still get lonely too. That being said, the fear of being hurt as I have been in the past has been so great it keeps me from doing anything about it. I hate feeling needy to, but it's part of being human. I think the more we try to suppress in favor of being independent, the more needy we feel. I've been working at cultivating more platonic relationships with other women, which has helped ease the loneliness and makes me less emotionally dependent on romantic relationships. But ultimately those leave me feeling empty too.
ballycastle Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I struggle with this too. It's probably why I haven't been in a relationship in four years and have been off and on dating websites ever since I am in therapy trying to sort out my issues. But I still feel that urge to connect with people. I'm getting to the point where I am happy with myself and am starting to enjoy being alone. But I still get lonely too. That being said, the fear of being hurt as I have been in the past has been so great it keeps me from doing anything about it. I hate feeling needy to, but it's part of being human. I think the more we try to suppress in favor of being independent, the more needy we feel. I've been working at cultivating more platonic relationships with other women, which has helped ease the loneliness and makes me less emotionally dependent on romantic relationships. But ultimately those leave me feeling empty too. I truly relate to this post and I am so glad it is being discussed. I am independent person, good career, single parent, self starter etc, but in relationships I exhibit an incessant need for the other person to love me constantly. In my last relationship he welcomed my vulnerability but when I broke down my walls and started to tell him my feelings he upped and left. I think you might be anxious preoccupied like me. Have you read 'attached' by leaving and heller? I seriously recommend it. I found that 25% of population are attracted to avoidants (the other 25). Unfortunately these attractions bring out the worst in either party despite the attraction;the more needy types cling for their feelings to be validated but the avoidant runs due to fear of being smothered. Both groups yearn close intimacy but display polar opposite characteristics. The remaining 50% tend to attract one another and stay together and have healthy boundaries. It would take 4 years of therapy with a specialist to undo your anxiety triggers and learn to healthily approach relationships without need for reassurance. There is nothing wrong with being needy, if you were paired with the right person you would not be needy. I was with someone for 7 years and after a rocky start I never felt anxious or preoccupied. I am going through all these things to the point of extreme neediness/anxiety will never make me put myself out there again, every break up crucified me and believe that it will happen every time and that I will be abandoned. So I totally understand and recommend you read this book to understand your triggers. As for me it's learning how to be comfortable alone. 1
Author freebird31 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 At this point I just feel like I need love and support from another person. I do not have my best friend who I shared all my personal things with, and knew for 7 years, in my life anymore. "Friends" just don't do it for me because I can't express my troubles to them without knawing their ear off. Sometimes you just NEED that comfort, love, support. Someone to just hold you, tell you everything will be okay, someone to give you attention, extra support. I have been on my own two feet for 1 year 7 months now. And of course, I'm surviving. But its just that...I'm just surviving. Inside I'm lonely. Alone. I'm comfortable with being alone, but it can get lonely. At this point, I just wish I could have the love and support from another person to help me. I need another person to help take away the loneliness. How else can one stop feeling lonely ? I have friends...but like I said I can't nor want to knaw their ear off with my problems. I could go to the gym and distract myself, but thats just that. A distraction from what I'm really feeling. I yearn for love, deep love that you can only get from a relationship. but at the same time, I also grieve over my ex. So I cannot healthily move on to another relationship yet without still grieving over him. I'm confused/: my ex and I were a good match. My neediness never really drew him away or was the reason why we parted, I think. He loved to spend time with me. We were really good together 1
ballycastle Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 (edited) At this point I just feel like I need love and support from another person. I do not have my best friend who I shared all my personal things with, and knew for 7 years, in my life anymore. "Friends" just don't do it for me because I can't express my troubles to them without knawing their ear off. Sometimes you just NEED that comfort, love, support. Someone to just hold you, tell you everything will be okay, someone to give you attention, extra support. I have been on my own two feet for 1 year 7 months now. And of course, I'm surviving. But its just that...I'm just surviving. Inside I'm lonely. Alone. I'm comfortable with being alone, but it can get lonely. At this point, I just wish I could have the love and support from another person to help me. I need another person to help take away the loneliness. How else can one stop feeling lonely ? I have friends...but like I said I can't nor want to knaw their ear off with my problems. I could go to the gym and distract myself, but thats just that. A distraction from what I'm really feeling. I yearn for love, deep love that you can only get from a relationship. but at the same time, I also grieve over my ex. So I cannot healthily move on to another relationship yet without still grieving over him. I'm confused/: my ex and I were a good match. My neediness never really drew him away or was the reason why we parted, I think. He loved to spend time with me. We were really good together Hi Freebird31, Everything you say resonates with me. Especially as someone who is normally outgoing it is awful losing your friends in that way. The truth is, we believe that everyone out there is having a great time with a partner, but it is probably isn't at all. I have been even lonelier in relationships than without them. I have family members with partners they don't like but stay there because of children. I can't healthily move on either as I like you am still grieving. YES I am also really lonely, but from spending time on here realise this is part and parcel of trying to move on. One thing that did resonate with me though was, 'I yearn for love, deep love that you can only get from a relationship,' I do too.But more and more when I go to social events and see partners together and go home really upset I am not in a partnership, I have to believe that they might feel like that towards me ie/ 'I yearn to spend some time alone, like her, go home by myself, to be back to what I used to be like before I met this person, I feel trapped but I'm too scared to go it alone.' Is that a possibility? I think having all this alone time will help us set healthy boundaries in any new relationship you have because you won't have that yearning and you will be able to communicate healthily that you won't need to cling to them for 'fulfilness' because you have built the tools to fulfil yourself. And I think that's healthier. If I spend 2, 5, 10 years alone and then meet someone, I would have survived that so I will NEED them less, if that makes sense. It would be on a footing like, 'yeh I love you but I love me more.' I see my child who has a great time with friends but can spend days without making contact with them. I envy that. when I was not with the person I was with, I missed them, didn't feel 'complete' without them, counted days to see them again. That was not healthy. And hopefully the alone time will help with that. Edited December 6, 2014 by ballycastle editing errors
Danda Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Maybe you feel like you're just surviving, but just surviving is actually a huge deal. You don't have to be happy or comfortable all the time. Sadness is a normal part of life. But if you've been trying to stuff yours down for a long time by burying your head in romance, then it just makes sense that you're going to need some time and practice in grappling with it, coping with it, and processing it. This doesn't mean you're messed up in the head. It just means you're human, which is a very beautiful and sacred thing. Love doesn't prevent sadness. Being capable of love means being capable of the entire spectrum of emotion, including sadness. Love is like a prism in that regard. It's everything at once. And when you "just survive" it, your ability to love others becomes more powerful. So give yourself some credit, you're doing great. You're even achieving some impressive introspection along the way, which is just proof that you are growing. And I've been there. 3+ year relationship, ended in a total train wreck. I was not truly, totally over it for almost two years. But it was always getting better, and eventually I wasn't "just surviving" but I had survived. It will happen for you, too, promise.
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