OtherWoman Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Is there anyone out there who is having a hard time getting over the affair? Do you still care about the other person?
Author OtherWoman Posted March 20, 2005 Author Posted March 20, 2005 My story is complicated and full of twists and turns. The Reader's Digest version is that I am married and had an A with a MM from work. We were discovered and have since returned to our spouses. In the meantime, we were both fired from our jobs, which I was blamed for the entire thing, ie. the affair, being fired, etc. Here's my dilemma: I love my husband and want to work it out. But I really cared about this OM, I guess my feelings ran deeper than I thought. Also, it's been hard coping with the fact that he went from love/caring to hate in 2.5 seconds flat. He and his wife now have told people I am a slut, whore, etc. I almost expect that from her, but from I'm hurt and shocked it's coming from him. I thought he was so kind and caring. Why do I still care about this man? Why is it taking so long to get over him? Why does he hate me so? Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way?
fanou22 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Why do I still care about this man? Like it or not, in the subconscious level of the female mind you fell in love with the bad boy. The man who mistreated you. Yes, he did mistreat you. He caused the problems with your husband and at work. If he really loved you he would have attempted and done all he could to make sure that you are at least safe. After all he let you take the blame for the affair at work. Why is it taking so long to get over him? Same reasons as above Why does he hate me so? He hates you beacuase you took away his fantasy life and made him face the issue with his W. Or maybe in this case you are making him work harder to come up with ways to satisfy his wife. He hates you because now he is actually going to work harder on concealing his next affair. Don't you see? He is playing the wolf in a lamb's clothes. Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way? My situation was a lot less complicated than yours. I do apologize for coming across as a b*tch. I don't mean it this way. But you have to face it with this kind of man. You want someone to stand up for you and protect. Not stab you in the back at the first chance. My affair was not discovered but I had had enough of this whole sage and the roller coaster. It took me a few months to break it off but I finally did it. I can say now I am MM free.
Sad Flower Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 I deal with it by coming to LS so the girls here can remind me of the scum I was dating for 9 mos. I throw on my angry girl music and dive into some fun with my close girlfriends
Author OtherWoman Posted March 20, 2005 Author Posted March 20, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 You want someone to stand up for you and protect. Not stab you in the back at the first chance. You're right! One of the recent epiphanies I have had was that part of what made me love this man was that he was willing to risk everything to be with me. But then when he lost it all he hated me for it. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I also feel like we've never been able to have closure. Once the A was discovered, all the books tell us to never see the OP again. But how do I get closure? How do I tell him that I didn't get him fired? I lost my job too! How do I tell him that he was the only bright thing I had during a time that was so dark?
uberfrau Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 What kind of job did you work at, where you couldn't date co-workers? I've never heard of a job where that is verboten, except for the therapy field.
fanou22 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Otherwoman, Are you really sure that closure is what you want? Do you think that getting closure will help you? You had mentioned that the affair had been over for quite some time. Think about the things that you haven't lost. You still have a husband, right? Often times, us OWs, are afraid of ending the A because we are afraid of being alone. We wrap the affair with a mirage. Have you ever thought how could it be if both of you were single? Deep down do you honestly think it would have worked out? Closure is not always the way to be able to move on. The mere fact that he did a 180 on you is enough of a closure. Don't be like me. I wasted close to 3 years waiting for a closure from my ex-bf who gave me herpes. One day I realized it was not closure that I want, I wanted him to tell me that he fell in love with me or something like that. We both know that, us women, filter out what is told to us. Instead we hear the parts that we want. Enough of my rambling, If things are good with your husband than thank your lucky stars that he is with you. Learn to be happy with what you have. Talk to him. Tell him about your needs and wants. Find what was it that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Think about all that happened as a gain and not a loss.
Author OtherWoman Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by uberfrau What kind of job did you work at, where you couldn't date co-workers? I've never heard of a job where that is verboten, except for the therapy field. We worked at a police department. We broke various para-militaristic policies I had no idea were even there.
Author OtherWoman Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 Otherwoman, Are you really sure that closure is what you want? Do you think that getting closure will help you? You had mentioned that the affair had been over for quite some time. Think about the things that you haven't lost. You still have a husband, right? I do need to hear that he loved me. I need to know that I didn't lose my job, possibly my career, over nothing. I need validation. I need to tie up the loose ends.
mourningMM Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I know this may seem like a strange thing to say...but you do not need him to validate your affair. You were there, you remember...if he has moved on, his memories will already be tainted by his need to protect himself from himself. The end of a relationship happens in one of two ways, from the inside or from the outside. Whether people want to accept it or not, you had a relationship with your OM. From the inside, one or the other or both of the people in the affair find that the relationship no longer gives them what he/she/they need, and the risk is no longer worth the reward. From the outside, the pressure of family or friends or job or even geography, makes the effort to meet and enjoy the meeting no longer worthwhile. The only person who can look at the relationship you were in, and assess whether it had value is YOU. You need to measure the effect that the relationship had on you, and identify what you learned that was valuable from the experience. You learned that you love your husband. You learned that a relationship with a MM at work puts your career in jeopardy. You learned that there are rules that you had no idea existed. You probably learned something about yourself sexually, emotionally, and intellectually...and some of what you learned was good; some amazing; some disappointing. If you are able to take what you have learned and make a better future for yourself, your husband, and your children (if you have any)...a future that includes more safety, security, communication, honesty...then what you did was for something. But only you can decide...because, quite frankly, he lost the right to participate in that decision when he made the choice to be with his wife. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER TO VALIDATE YOU...it needs to be held in your own hands and heart and soul.
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I agree with MourningMM. Why do you still care about this man? My guess is that for all those months he was sweet talking his way into your heart, you believed all his crap - you fell for it basically. Even ignoring the fact he was cheating on his wife to be with you (through some masterly delivered compliments combined with his unadulterated attention and charm apparently), why do you now continue to ignore the glaringly obvious.... that the guy was using you, alleviating his boredom with a gullible, foolish, obliging bored female. He hoped he would never be found out. But your affair was discovered and your MM had a wake up call, his marriage was on the line so the likes of you paled into insignificance immediately. I don't mean to be horrible OW and I have no doubt someone reading this thread will perceive it as such. What I'm saying is purely from a wife's perspective. Wives often feel shocked and devastated by their husbands' infidelity and betrayal, I suppose it's only natural that OW get shaken too when cast aside by the wankers. ... It's kind of predictable isn't it, not exactly rocket science. If they can dump on the wives where's the surprise when they then dump on you? Closure? Come on OW, is this guy really worth it? How much more humiliation are you going to take? He took you for a ride and now the ride's over. It wasn't real. It was just a bit of fun, nothing serious. But rest assured the cruel, hurtful words he uses to describe you since you broke up are merely shallow attempts to salvage what's left of his relationship with his wife. Those words are not true; he did enjoy being with you, he did like you, care for you.... why else did he spend time with you? It wasn't compulsory, it wasn't a punishment, he saw you because he WANTED to. WANTED being the operative word here. Seems like he doesn't WANT to anymore. His feelings for you were wrapped up in his 'secret world', they were segregated from his 'real life' and weren't supposed to encroach on that territory. When they did though they lost their appeal and magic. When the two worlds encountered one another the one you inhabited lost it's allure and glow. In the cold light of day your MM could see how superficial and insignificant the one he had with you was. It's not a criticism, it's a fact. When MarriedMen spend such a small proportion of their time with their mistresses, why do so many OW convince themselves that they are a priority in their mens' lives? A secret is a secret for a reason - think about it. You thought he was kind and caring? Well more fool you, surely being a lying cheat doesn't come under the definition of kind and caring? You want him to know he was the only bright thing in your life at a difficult time... OW????? Are you listening baby??? OTHER WOMAN??????? WHY????? WHY?????? He abuses you quite magnificently if I may say so, but you, just before you go, want to say this one last, loving thing, so he knows for sure how much he meant to you. After all, can't have his lordship's ego dented, God forbid he should think you hate his guts for his cowardly behaviour. Oh no, after all the crap he's thrown at you, you still have warm, loving, caring, tender feelings for him??? Again..... WHY????? Are you a complete fool???? For God's sake woman, stop bloody behaving like this and pull yourself together! Do yourself a favour and find some self-respect. Closure has been and gone already, open your eyes and see.... Needing to hear him say he did love you and that you didn't lose your job over nothing is ridiculous. Does it matter anymore? Why does he have to tell you how things were? Why are his opinions even relevant? Work it out for yourself OW, you're a big girl now. No, he didn't really love you. Yes, you did lose your job over nothing. There we are, I've said it. Now bloody well come to terms with it and move on before you lose your marriage and family too. OW, you're well rid of him. Focus on your husband and family now and enjoy all the good things in your life. Don't flatter the MM's over inflated ego further with exposing your emotions and fears. I can say with confidenceOW, you deserve better than that, stop selling yourself short and behaving like a pathetic wretch. Veronese
izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 veronese, let me start by saying that pretty much everything you say is true. so please don't perceive this as an attack. i do believe that you're right on target with this, especially given this situation. but ..... i always find these comments by W's to be somewhat ironic. he was sweet talking his way into your heart, you believed all his crap - you fell for it basically. as a WS tries to worm his way back into the good graces of the BS isn't he doing the same thing? as he lied about the affair, what he was doing, where he was going, don't many BSs also fall for all of the crap? that the guy was using you, alleviating his boredom with a gullible, foolish, obliging bored female. He hoped he would never be found out. But your affair was discovered and your MM had a wake up call, his marriage was on the line so the likes of you paled into insignificance immediately. if he truly was alleviating his boredom what does that say about the BS? and please, i'm sorry for being so blunt here, but who's really more of the fool? the OW for believing the crap, or the BS for believing the crap? and what's to say that he's not going to get bored again? personally, if i believed my H strayed because he was bored... that's a pressure i wouldn't want to live with for the rest of my life. and is he back with the W simply because he got caught or because he truly wants to fix his marriage? and as a W, how do you know that that also isn't just more of a bunch of crap that he's expecting the W to fall for? But rest assured the cruel, hurtful words he uses to describe you since you broke up are merely shallow attempts to salvage what's left of his relationship with his wife. Those words are not true; he did enjoy being with you, he did like you, care for you.... why else did he spend time with you? no doubt this is all true. but it brings up the question of why does it happen and why does the W take this, or in many cases feed into it? however you slice it and dice it, if the W realizes that those words are just an attempt to salvage what's left, aren't they all still lies? so the lies continue. he lied about the affair to keep his relationship in tact and now continues to lie to salvage it... they are all still lies. but then again, if he was honest... that the OW was more exciting, more attractive, better in bed, gave him something that he couldn't get from home ... where would that leave everyone? but like i said...the lies just continue. When MarriedMen spend such a small proportion of their time with their mistresses, why do so many OW convince themselves that they are a priority in their mens' lives? A secret is a secret for a reason - think about it. sometimes, like in my case, it's because he told me i was a priority, his marriage was not. so, yeah, he went back, so who knows whether or not it was true. You thought he was kind and caring? Well more fool you, surely being a lying cheat doesn't come under the definition of kind and caring? the same question can be asked of the BS.... and i have to ask, who's more of the fool? us for believing him or the BS for believing the same thing and taking him back, knowing what he did to her? After all, can't have his lordship's ego dented, God forbid he should think you hate his guts for his cowardly behaviour. Oh no, after all the crap he's thrown at you, you still have warm, loving, caring, tender feelings for him??? Again..... WHY????? and again, this question back at the BS who still may believe that he's a warm, loving, caring, tender person after all the crap he's thrown at the BS. like i said, i know this situation may be different on many levels and perhaps this all belongs in a different thread. but as an exOW who perhaps now sees the situation for what it really was, the questions of why his W took him back are a puzzlement. and i wonder in these cases, who's the bigger fool? an OW who fell in love with a man, fell for the lies for a brief moment in time, or the BS who, perhaps, spends the better part of her life, in love with a man who is so capable of lying. capable of living this secret life, lying about the affair, lying about his feelings for his OW all to save face and preserve a marriage and a W that he obviously has no respect for. izzy
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 we don`t! is there ...for a lifetime ...to remind you how time passes and how you can grow and maturate from day to day...
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle like i said, i know this situation may be different on many levels and perhaps this all belongs in a different thread. but as an exOW who perhaps now sees the situation for what it really was, the questions of why his W took him back are a puzzlement. and i wonder in these cases, who's the bigger fool? an OW who fell in love with a man, fell for the lies for a brief moment in time, or the BS who, perhaps, spends the better part of her life, in love with a man who is so capable of lying. capable of living this secret life, lying about the affair, lying about his feelings for his OW all to save face and preserve a marriage and a W that he obviously has no respect for. izzy ....threadjack... in my situ...this post right here, reinforces why i believe I should let the OM's wife know about the affair. YES it is true, my Wwife lied and decived me, but she also came clean to me...albiet as f***ed up our situ is....she did finaly come clean THE OM on the other hand is getting away scott free...after reading this post....i really think the OW deserves to know the truth about her husband......
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I pretty much agree with all your observations Izzy. However I was responding to this thread in reply to an OW's difficulty moving on and letting go of her feelings for her ex MM - therefore my comments were based on only this subject. Yes, Izzy, we wives are fools too.. but really, hasn't that more or less been taken as read in numerous threads before now? Isn't it common knowledge that the wives are morons for: a) not satisfying their wonderful men adequately thus preventing infidelity b) not understanding our men as well as OW do / not listening c) not giving enough sex / not enough good sex d) believing our husbands' assorted explanations and excuses for absences with mistress e) being such nagging old bitches who can blame our men for straying? f) getting fat? g) being boring / tired / impatient / demanding? We all know how awful the wives treat their husbands don't we? Why else would the men seek comfort in the arms of another woman? The wives have only themselves to blame don't they? The wives shouldn't be so pre-occupied with the demands of family life and spend more time attending to the needs of her man, because as we all know, when a wife gets complacent there are always females circling above like vultures, biding their time until they get an opportunity to intervene. The difference between many 'other women' and 'the wives' is that frequently the OW ARE aware of the MM's marital status at some juncture, yet choose to continue in an incomplete, unfulfilling, illicit relationship in the role of the Other Woman. Wives, on the other hand, are often unaware of the 'other' side of their husbands or their affairs. In my case I was totally oblivious to my H's lies and betrayals. Truly, I had no idea, none at all. You may assume me to therefore be slightly dense or unobservant? Maybe I was - I don't know. All I can say is that he had me fooled good and proper, he wasn't the stereotypical 'love rat'! My mistake? I trusted him - more fool me ah?! (lol) So you see Izzy, we're not all playing by the same rules are we? Why do we stay then when we discover our men to be habitual liars and cheats? History? Children? Love? Habit? Commitment? Izzy, there are 1001 reasons for a wife to try to repair her marriage after her husband has strayed. We can learn from the episode. Address underlying problems and issues within the marriage. Recognise where we are making mistakes, see where we have contributed to the situation, acknowledge and accept the reality of our lives and relationships. See our spouses sometimes in a more objective, less biased light. In my case, 17 predominantly contented years with my husband, two children with special needs, a respect and commitment to the vows we made to each other, the very very deep love and affection we have for one another, the realisation that we are none of us perfect, the ability to delve deep into our hearts to find forgiveness and trust again..... Izzy, I can't list all the reasons why I decided to give our marriage a chance. I think though that children have a lot to do with it. Read how hard some of you guys are finding life without your married men. How OW pine for their MM after having only experienced a twilight world of secrecy and deception. Don't you read the pain and suffering OW endure for MM? These men are quite incredible in the art of seduction aren't they? OW hang on indefinitely KNOWING their men aren't theirs and probably never will be. Do you not see how fatuous it is to question why we wives take back these good-for-nothing men when they've betrayed us when you consider all the years that came before, the memories, the struggles, the history, the bond?? If OW are having such a tough time letting go of these men, why so surprised to hear their wives find it harder still? Very often the decision to continue is not based solely on the wife's feelings... her children's' interests normally take precedence over how she is feeling. OW find it tough surviving without their part-time lovers, how many OW are on this board lamenting about the NC situation with their MM? How many OW are torturing themselves over a MM who once again failed to call because it was his mother-in-law's birthday celebration? Personally it's hard to understand why OW invest quite so much emotion and energy into MM for so little in return. Izzy, I'm not deluding myself about my husband. Accepting the truth of our marriage is tortuous, heartbreaking. It's hard coming to terms with what he has done, I don't know whether we'll get through it. But fool or no fool, he's my husband, my partner, the father of my children, my lover and my friend. I'm hoping this bollocks will in time be for the best, out of every grey cloud there is a silver lining. And bottom line is Izzy, he loves me and I love him. These women 'friends' of his may have invested a lot of themselves into him, but ultimately I can appreciate, as his wife of so many years, that his relationships with them, although hurtful, were unimportant, irrelevant and insignificant in the whole scheme of things. How can what they shared together even begin to compare to what I have shared with him. They were OW - no more, no less. I am his wife. Understand now?
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle veronese, if he truly was alleviating his boredom what does that say about the BS? and the OW for believing the crap, or the BS for believing the crap? and is he back with the W simply because he got caught or because he truly wants to fix his marriage? and as a W, how do you know that that also isn't just more of a bunch of crap that he's expecting the W to fall for? no why does it happen and why does the W take this, or in many cases feed into it? the W realizes that those words are just an attempt to salvage what's left, aren't they all still lies? but then again, if he was honest... that the OW was more exciting, more attractive, better in bed, gave him something that he couldn't get from home ... and i have to ask, who's more of the fool? us for believing him or the BS for believing the same thing and taking him back, knowing what he did to her? as an exOW who perhaps now sees the situation for what it really was, the questions of why his W took him back are a puzzlement. and i wonder in these cases, who's the bigger fool? OW who fell in love with a man, fell for the lies for a brief moment in time, or the BS who, perhaps, spends the better part of her life, in love with a man who is so capable of lying. capable of living this secret life, lying about the affair, lying about his feelings for his OW all to save face and preserve a marriage and a W that he obviously has no respect for. izzy Who's the bigger fool? No idea Izzy! But here's a thought..... If you were so prepared to embark on an affair with a married man, doesn't that make you pretty stupid?? It seems masochistic to pursue this type of relationship - I can't help wondering if there's an inherent problem in an OW getting involved with someone unobtainable. IMO wives are less ridiculous being with their wayward husbands the needy desperature OW who grab a man no matter what!!
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I didn't mean to hijack your thread but it's all Izzy's fault! (lol) I do stand by what I said originally though - let him go and move on with your life. You've had a lucky escape - just be glad you weren't married to the bugger!!
izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 veronese, i do understand, to some extent, and i know that there's a lot more involved in saving or ending a marriage than just what i've stated above. i've been there, to some extent, not through an affair, well yes i have but the marriage was over so it didn't matter. in any case, i was just posing the questions back to you and i thank you for your reply, and in many ways, i've read enough posts here and on the infidelity section that even though i haven't been through your situ, i could have written it for you. i knew what the responses would be. and as i said, you're on target, especially in this situation. and i know, you are the W they were just the OW but .... the fact remains .... they may have messed up our lives, treated us like crap, lied to us, led us on ..... but from the Ws perspective we were just a blip on the radar. there was no committment or vows made to us, but we still get hurt. and i'm sure as you've read here, many are trying to get out, and do get out. and yes, it's hard, but many do walk away. but i will also come back to the fact that from what's happened to me over the last year ANY man, i don't care if i'm married, dating, whatever...if he disrespects me enough to have an affair, he's gone. i don't care how much i love him, how much history i have with him, he'll come home to find his belongings on the front lawn ..... if i don't deserve to be treated like that as an OW i DEFINITELY don't deserve to be treated like that as a W!!! while there are a lot of things that i'm still struggling with as a result of the mess i got myself into, this isn't one of them. i know i want and deserve more than that. and especially as a W, there is no way i'd be able to forgive that blatent show of disrespect. seeing this from the OW side, has been an eye opener, to know what goes on out of the sight of the W perhaps has given me a very different perspective on the whole situation around affairs. yes, OW do pine away for their MMs at times. and i will admit, there has been nothing in my life that had that impact on me. i'm a cancer survivor and i can honestly say that going through what i've been through in the past year, because of my stupidity was in so many ways worse. probably because i knew i couldn't fight it. and i also know, in my case, my questions about a W taking back a cheating H are very much colored by what i heard from her, said directly to me. she said that i "was not XXXXs first affair and i would not be his last." i know there's history there, he stated that as one of the reasons he returned to her. i just personally, can't imagine saying, and believing what my exMMs wife said, and still wanting to work on a marriage. from what i've heard from both, at some point in time, there was no love there. their kids are grown and out of the house..... so it puzzles me. no, i no longer lose sleep over those questions. and sure, from what he told me, i felt so, so sorry for him. that she was so awful. that he was trapped in an unhappy marriage. boohoo, then grow some bal!s and get out. but instead the choice was to disrespect his M, his W, and in many ways me. now i feel sorry for her, that she doesn't somehow believe that she deserves better. that even though she knows he will cheat again, and has openly said that she hates him, that she stays? ahhh, just another one of life's great mysteries!
izzybelle Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 and i too apologize to Otherwoman for hijacking. and although this is more in response to veronese, it think it has relevance here.... regarding how stupid we were to get involved. yes, it's stupid, i think we all, including the original poster realize how stupid we were to get ourselves into this situation, which in some ways makes it easier to let go, and in other ways more difficult. and she's definitely had a lucky escape and in time, hopefully, will be able to let her MM go and move on with her life with her family. and to respond to one other point ... i don't believe that there's anything more inherently wrong with an OW for wanting to be with a MM, than there is for the MM who looks outside the marriage, than there is with the W who take him back. there are no stereotypes here, we may want to believe that there are but there aren't. OW it will take time and you will get through this one way or another. let him move on with his life and you spend time moving on with yours. the healing process for all is a difficult one but it will happen.
Author OtherWoman Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by veronese Are you a complete fool???? For God's sake woman, stop bloody behaving like this and pull yourself together! I can say with confidenceOW, you deserve better than that, stop selling yourself short and behaving like a pathetic wretch. Veronese This thread is definitely not for you, Veronese. I'm sorry for your H infidelity, it's a sad, sad situation. But I don't appreciate you taking your anger out on me -- I was not the OW in your H's A. And I don't appreciate you trying to disguise your anger and disgust by talking out of both sides of your mouth as the above quote illustrates. And in all actuality, you did it throughout your post. My problem is this: Going back to my H was the best thing for me and I'm glad I did it. But all books focus on the BS as if the WS has no emotions or isn't entitled to any emotions. Other posts in this thread have painted men as being unfulfilled by their less than perfect wives when, in truth, it goes both ways. I was betrayed in a sense for years by my H not even attempting to fulfill my emotional and physical needs. The same went for my MM. We were both feeling somewhat betrayed by our spouses. ****DISCLAIMER**** My comments are NOT justifying our A. It is just to show that we were both in the same place at the same time. With that being said, Veronese, I appreciate your thoughts on me making the choice to decide what the affair meant. And I have said that all along but it's easier said than done. My heart aches. All books, all counselors, all friends and family focus on the BS but I have feelings too. I put everything I felt on the back burner to help my husband heal and now it's time for me, but it's so hard. So therefore I choose to tell you that you are wrong in saying I lost my career over nothing. I made a choice to be with someone who cared for me for who I was when I felt completely alone. There, I said it too. But I do agree with your statement about not adding fuel to the MM's inflammed ego. Thank you for those words of empowerment! You're right on the target there, girl! I will say a sexist thing here: many times women are used by men for their egos. Of course, some women do this too but I think it's more common for women to be used. Veronese, let me say this on behalf of a WS who returned to the BS. I have never lied to my H about anything with the A or my reasons for returning to him. Not all WS's lie to get back in the good graces of their S and it could be that your H did not lie to you either. Sometimes we just finally see our spouse for the incredible people they are and the BS finally sees the WS for the incredible people they are too.
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Tell me about it Izzy!! These past 12 months have knocked me for six. The older I get, the less I seem to know! Like you, I never thought I would be able to continue in the situation I am in. But as we all know, until you've walked the walk...... Also, although my H deceived me for a very long time, I obtained hard and fast proof of the extent and importance of each of his relationships with these women. They weren't full blown, passionate, all consuming love affairs. They comprised of occasional phone calls and lunches during his working day. They weren't affairs of substance nor were they sexually intimate. I found that hard to believe initially but after some very impressive investigations by yours truly, I obtained enough information to satisfy my concerns on the subject. I very much doubt I would have been so restrained in his shoes! There was an element of mutual attraction, flirtation, chemistry, but for reasons best known to himself he resisted the temptation to take advantage of the situation. I admire his will power to be honest, I'm sure I would have succumbed in the same circumstances! So there was no sex (one snog, that's it!), which makes it a whole lot easier to deal with. I'm not saying it's easy, long term, multiple, emotional affairs are hard enough to handle...but how I would have coped with the knowledge of a sexual affair is hard to say. It would have definitely been seriously challenging...I'm relieved it's not an issue with us (only found out for sure 6 months after D-Day) I'd found it incredibly hard to believe til then so devised a cunning plan to resolve the matter. He was unaware and still is with regards my actions to secure this information, but I have no regrets about how I obtained it. It gave me piece of mind and allowed me to stop obsessing about it. It was fairly extreme and risky but worth the effort! I confess to being quite surprised to find out he didn't shag any of them - I'm obviously not such a bad wifey after all! OW, back to you again if you're still paying attention. My H's Other women were all hurt by the end of their friendships with my H. They varied in the depth of their emotions for him, but all of them had to lose someone they cared deeply for and missed terribly. Do I give a damn? No I bloody don't! OW care not about the wives, unfortunately us wives care not about the OW. You knew he was married...you made a decision. I don't know if your ex MM had children but I do and it made me angrier with these OW for their part in this scenario. Before anyone starts, I of course blame my H more than the OW, so don't go off on one accusing me of mis-directing the blame towards the poor, defenseless OWomene.....I blame my husband first and foremost, but I ALSO attribute a portion of the blame to the OW, they were fully aware of his situation, circumstances, and responsibilities. They also were aware of the potential damage their friendships could cause to our family. SO DID HE, HE MADE THAT CHOICE TOO. But any pain his friends endured after it ended is in no way comparable to the pain I have experienced in the aftermath of this nightmare. We obviously have a lot of work to do on our marriage, but it'll be a lot easier if we don't have any company along the way. I made no attempt to hold him here, in truth I didn't want him here. He's here with me because he wants to be, not because I made him stay. I actually would have preferred it if he'd have gone on his way on many an occasion since D-Day. But these women were never a threat to our marriage in that respect - all three of them performed the role of OW admirably, but realistically they didn't stand a hope in hell of meeting 'wife material' criteria. Maybe we're all just bloody stupid Izzy! Life's a bitch and then you die. You don't know when and you don't know why.....
Author OtherWoman Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by veronese OW, back to you again if you're still paying attention. My H's Other women were all hurt by the end of their friendships with my H. They varied in the depth of their emotions for him, but all of them had to lose someone they cared deeply for and missed terribly. Do I give a damn? No I bloody don't! OW care not about the wives, unfortunately us wives care not about the OW. You knew he was married...you made a decision. I don't know if your ex MM had children but I do and it made me angrier with these OW for their part in this scenario. Veronese, thank you for your insight on the OW's behaviors. I am looking for a safe place I can talk to others in my same situation and I'm tired of being berated by you. Get off this thread and go to the thread for infidelity. We all have emotions and we've all been beaten up. This is a time for healing and I don't need anymore crap from you. I've gotten all the crap I can handle here, thank you very much.
veronese Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by OtherWoman This thread is definitely not for you, Veronese. I'm sorry for your H infidelity, it's a sad, sad situation. But I don't appreciate you taking your anger out on me -- I was not the OW in your H's A. And I don't appreciate you trying to disguise your anger and disgust by talking out of both sides of your mouth as the above quote illustrates. And in all actuality, you did it throughout your post. DISCLAIMER**** My comments are NOT justifying our A. It is just to show that we were both in the same place at the same time. Terribly sorry to have caused offense OtherWoman. It was not intended. I didn't know your post was exclusive to OW and not to betrayed wives. I thought you were seeking advice with regards your ongoing feelings towards your MM and wrongly presumed I could be of some help. I'm not angry with you or any other OW. I realise you weren't part of his harem! I wasn't trying to disguise my anger or disgust. You don't disgust me in the slightest, why should you? It was interesting to hear that I can know talk out of both sides of my mouth - I'm just grateful you didn't accuse me of talking out of my arse. I obviously touched a raw nerve with you, many apologies. You're obviously quite a sensitive soul. My mistake, I'll hold my tongue from now on!!!
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