Author Aquila Posted December 21, 2014 Author Posted December 21, 2014 Providing he's controlling what happens, that's enough.... You are dead on there. This was the big issue in our MC sessions previously. He thinks that by taking the reins he's removing the burden from me and I'll be happier but I'm clearly not. Who could be when their self-determination is being eroded? When they're constantly being second guessed and minimised and talked over. I actually WANT the burdens of life, I WANT to make decisions towards the outcome so I'm not just drifting along to a result I might not like. Do you know of any strategies to help with this until I can get IC? You seem switched on with all this.
evanescentworld Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 Your only remedy at the moment, in order to not even appear to succumb and look as if you're compliant, is to withdraw and separate. Yes, it's drastic, but it's better than putting up a pretence of submission, which really does you no good, and simply feeds the situation. I'm afraid nobody ever leapt a ditch in two steps. Sometimes a drastic remedy is required. And I honestly warn you now: he will use every trick in the book to get you to capitulate, and plead to every angle you have, to draw you back in. This is what was written on another forum: I am not the writer of this, but it comes from a woman who suffered years of abuse and managed to extricate herself. I believe she now works for an organisation which supports abused people.... She is responding to a young girl on the forum who has also been in a relationship where the Cycle of Abuse has been the prevalent energy: Take from this what you can, because she speaks from years of personal experience, and counselling others. When you move to your new place, your BF will be very upset and go to great lengths to get you to come back. He will use guilt, anger, shame and blame. He knows your soft spots and will 'work them' with great energy. You need to anticipate this -- not to stop you but to prevent getting sucked back in. It's hard to realize that 99.9% of what he says - INCLUDING when he's 'nice' - is manipulative. Yes, even the sweet side. This may be hard to believe, but they are such excellent actors. Let's just say they've had LOTS of practice figuring out what will make the other person give in and give them their way. I've heard of ex abusive partners calling to say they are going to kill themselves, kill the shared pets, kill you and themselves. I've seen them literally fall apart into quivering sobbing messes (resolved immediately when you go back). I've seen them threaten all manner of self-defeating things, if only you'll give them another chance, let him come to the city WITH you, just let him visit, just let him call you! It's HARD to not get fooled, in fact, that's why it's lasted as long as it has. Your big heartedness, how you overlook and forgive behavior, it's been massively exploited by him. It's hard to make yourself believe you are being manipulated, rather than him genuinely having distress. That's why you have to take some steps back and see the pattern, see the repetitive nature of it. Each little incident seems like nothing -- and that's where people get lost. Instead, they have to back way out and see the big picture. You can boil down just about everything they say or do to an effort to get their own way at your expense. No matter how much you have to give up or give in, they want their own way. No cooperation or compromise, just their way. Massive huge bunch of truth, there....
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 In a normal relationship, anger is understandable he does something "bad", you get angry, you do something "bad" he gets angry. He and you both know what happened to make each other angry. You sort it out and everything goes back to normal In an abusive relationship, the person who is supposedly "wrong" has no idea why the other person is very angry, they just blow up over trivia or sometimes over nothing at all. In a normal relationship, you can modify your behaviour so as not to cause fights, because you know the triggers and you are in control. YOU can decide whether the trigger is worth discussing or not. YOU can decide whether you want to continue the argument or not. In abusive relationships, the anger causing trigger is unknown to you, you have no idea when, an innocent action on your part may result in the whole episode blowing up in your face. So you end up in a minefield situation, any step you make can lead to a bomb going off, so you can never relax. It is called walking on eggshells and is very damaging to your physical and mental health. Stonewalling and lack of engagement is the other problem, because on matter how angry and upset you feel, you are not allowed to express that anger or express how he makes you feel in any productive way, because he won't speak about it or it is not his problem. I am afraid with your history with your father's temper and your other partner, you were ripe for the picking and he may have chosen you specifically as his "victim", because that is what abusive men tend to do. Watch "People pleaser syndrome" -
Author Aquila Posted December 21, 2014 Author Posted December 21, 2014 I would really hesitate to say he's actually abusive. As I said he never gets angry at me, just at inanimate objects or whatever. I don't feel I need to modify my behaviour to stop his temper or that I'm walking on eggshells, it's more the stonewalling and bossiness/control that's the big issue. I'm not going to pretend everything's rosy as it's not - despite him acting like everything is back to normal - but I think with IC and then MC I can learn how to manage my reactions and not engage with the control he can eventually learn to let go. A break until I could get some IC would be nice but we're just about to leave for Xmas holidays with his family and after that we move again. Thanks for the people pleaser video, it was interesting. I'm not generally like that, most people would call me a ball buster outside of home. What it DID highlight though is how much I've inadvertently modeled my marriage behaviour on my mum, who was a people pleaser with my dad. Definitely a pattern that needs breaking there.
evanescentworld Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I would like to suggest you may like to consider reading a book titled "The places that scare you" by a Much-respected Tibetan Buddhist nun called Pema Chodron which deals with our own repetitive behaviour, among other things. I'm not trying to proselytise, I just think it may help you straighten your thoughts a bit. Remember, in view of your perpetuating behaviour, with regard to your mother, he too may be following a pattern. Which of course, is no excuse, and if he doesn't realise it, is not your problem to tackle....
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I would really hesitate to say he's actually abusive. As I said he never gets angry at me. He made you scared enough by shouting at you, to get yourself to a cafe, out of his way. You are probably, as it said in the video, intellectualising this.
evanescentworld Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I would really hesitate to say he's actually abusive. As I said he never gets angry at me, just at inanimate objects or whatever. No. Get Real. He IS abusive. If his behaviour pattern leaves you feeling drained, weak and redundant and useless, then his behaviour is manipulative, controlling, aggressive and ABUSIVE. You really MUST try to get your head round this. Fear, is NOT a factor. Physical violence - is not a factor. Direction of Anger - is NOT a factor. I don't feel I need to modify my behaviour to stop his temper or that I'm walking on eggshells, it's more the stonewalling and bossiness/control that's the big issue. Do you not understand that the more you widen the goalposts, the more he will shoot through and gain 'points'...? He is FORCING you to modify your behaviour by stonewalling you and being bossy/controlling. By the very fact that you feel stifled, redundant, unheard and over-ridden - you are modifying your behaviour - because he's not giving you any opportunity to be, do and say what you wish to contribute! Can't you see that?? I'm not going to pretend everything's rosy as it's not - despite him acting like everything is back to normal - but I think with IC and then MC I can learn how to manage my reactions and not engage with the control he can eventually learn to let go. This will make him worse, not better. When you find you're losing your grip on something, you tighten it up, don't you? A break until I could get some IC would be nice but we're just about to leave for Xmas holidays with his family and after that we move again. No reason why you shouldn't put something into action, now though. Plan ahead - it wasn't actually RAINING yet, when Noah built the ark....
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 Stonewalling in Abuse Subtly Controlling Behavior Rage
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