abby1340 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) 1sttime poster here. Sorry so long. Been married to a great guy for 7 years. Sex has always been amazing (at least in my opinion). As a couple, we've had our ups and downs but have always come through. Our lifestyle is such that we spend quite a bit of time apart (it has always been that way, we've never known any different). The last few months I've felt like he and I aren't friends anymore. I've felt like something was wrong or missing. I believe in trusting my gut. I can find no evidence of an affair. But, I have found evidence of porn use and craigslist searches. I find this strange because I am not against porn at all! I watch it from time to time and have always been open about it, but he never seemed interested to join me in watching it. He kind of seemed a little judgmental of me for it so I've never brought it up again but I also haven't hidden it either. I'm really confused by the craigslist thing because I've always wanted to have a threesome with him (MFF) and have told him so. To which he also acted like he wasn't interested in, so I never brought it up again. So all these adds he is currently searching are for either straight up swap (MF/MF) or a threesome (MFF). He is going to lengths to hide all of this from me and I do not understand why. These are things I've made clear I'd be willing to try with him. I am more hurt by his hiding this from me than I am by the porn or adds. Thoughts? TIA Edited December 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mammasita Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Without knowing more, just based on your post, I'd say he's met someone else and is doing these searches with her in mind - hence not sharing. Considering you spend a lot of time apart, it doesn't seem impossible that you wouldn't find evidence of an affair.
carhill Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 What's your marital goal? How does he feel about that?
Molly Hooper Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 What you found wouldn't be any cause for alarm - but that gut feeling combined with it does raise major suspicions, because I'm with you... Generally a gut instinct doesn't simply come out of the blue. Is your discovery something too hidden that you can't bring it to his attention?
evanescentworld Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 My first instinct on reading your post, abby1340, was that he is keen to expand his horizons and get adventurous - but not with you. Otherwise, he would have included you. But then I thought I might have been misjudging the guy.... ...and then I read mammasita's post, and realised I wasn't the only one thinking that way. It's not a definite. but it's possible.
Author abby1340 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 First off, thanks for your thoughts and opinions. I'm 99.9999% sure he is not currently having an affair. That was my first thought a few months ago when my gut feeing started, so I began playing super sleuth with online history, phone and bank records. Secretly going through his phone, etc. I'm positive if he were having an affair, he'd have slipped up by now and I'd have found out. The time he has to be away, he is working and therefore pretty dang accountable for his time. But that doesn't mean it's not all impossible. I've got things in place that if that IS the case, it should become apparant soon. I am hoping he is just maybe embarassed by it? Or wasn't into it when I brought it up but has since changed his mind?
Author abby1340 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 My marital goal is for us both to be happy and fullfilled and remain together. How does he feel about what? My marital goal?
carhill Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 So your marital goal is to remain apart for a significant portion of your marital life and to both be happy and fulfilled and remain together in the sense of being a committed couple. I've seen marriages like this, though mostly in my parent's generation, where the men were lifers in the military and were deployed all over the world and their spouses stayed home raising their families. That was about the only circumstance I can think of which approximates yours. Generally, marital partners desire to be together a significant portion of their lives, even if circumstances periodically dictate times apart. How does your spouse feel about this aspect of your marriage? You stated it's always been that way and you/he have known nothing different. I didn't see any complaints from you about that. When you state that lately you and he don't feel like friends anymore and your gut is telling you something, what has been the dialogue with him on this aspect?
Author abby1340 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 It's not a "goal" to remain apart, that's just the way things are for now. Someday we may be able to be together 100% of the time. I'd like that someday for sure. Military, salesman, oilfield, truck driver - there are several careers that could require a couple to be apart for a span. My husband LOVES his career. He doesn't know anything else nor does he want to do anything else. He has always been fine with us having time apart. The dialog as far as the "I don't feel like friends anymore" has been truthful on my end. At first I think he thought it was just a petty complaint, but as time has gone on I think he can see there is something to it. He's not very respectful of me lately. Snappy and rude.
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