longjourney Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I am aching, aching every day, every minute. Truth be known I look forward to the silence in the house when ex WH takes the kids out, or my sister comes to get them. I just sit in silence. I think all the time. I realize that I have lived my entire history with my ex WH alone, it was a lie. He was never here. I was in what I thought was R for close to a year and it was false, as was my M. I thought we had a chance to start new, but the reality is that once OW broke NC and retracted her NC letter, my WH was quick to jump. He asked how high. For all of R I found myself stalking her on social media, sadly I still do. Only now I get to see wonderful pictures of her with my WH. I spent so much time during R trying to post a positive life, hoping she would see it and realize that we are doing fine, and he does love ME. Sadly he was either with her or wishing to be with her that entire time. I thought he stayed away from social media because I finally got up the courage to ask him to. In reality, he didn't have much liking for it since he only went on during their LTA to see HER. If I didn't know him, I wouldn't know he had a wife. Now I log on, and his profile picture is of THEM. Not just one picture, but in LESS THEN A MONTH, I have seen TWO of his profile pics and they have BOTH been of them together. I spent YEARS asking/wondering why I was vacant from his profile. Now I know. I know SO much now. I know I will get the 2x4s, but I have spoken with the OW as well. She has apologized to me, even prior to my M ending, but I just kept stalking and falling. I am as low as I can get. My WH treats her like a wife, he is proud to be seen with her, he boasts about her on his page, yes I cannot bring myself to unfriend him, but my sister is taking care of that for me by the end of the week if I don't do it myself. She has been my rock. I am fighting to get into Christmas, only for my kids. We ALWAYS have the tree up and decorated the day after Thanksgiving, but this year I only got it up, this past weekend, no decorations in sight. I am hoping to have family come over this weekend and help me. I am drowning in tears and self pity. Thank God I have an IC appointment this afternoon. Please keep me in your thoughts. I need strength.
BetrayedH Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Good luck, LJ. It can only get better from here.
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Sending positive thoughts and energy your way. Take each day as they come and lean on your loved ones for strength and support. If you can, try to stay away from social media. Seeing them like that will not help you in anyway at this time. Your focus needs to be on your healing and your children's well-being - not her, not him and not how many pictures he's posting and she's posting. That's just more insult to injury. You will get through this.
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Lady, you have already made two smart choices: IC and reaching out to trusted family for support! Your STBXH is an emotional idiot to post pics of he and his long-term OW on a social media site so soon? How insensitive! Do the children know or see or could they possibly be told? has he thought of their feelings at all? Why not ask him how you should handle their questions should they approach you about these recent pics. Put your Christmas up. You all need it. 1
petee Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I cannot wait for you to be through the pain, that must be so debilitating at the moment. As a species, humans can be so vile. You deserve so much more, so much better. Your time will come, but for now please be strong. If you have anything, you have dignity and honour; they have neither. Keep us posted, and any time you need support or strength one of us here will do just that.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I agree with Spark... To be posting pictures of him and the OW right out of the gate is beyond insensitive. You know....come to think of it....he may have to "prove" to himself (and others)... That the OW is extra special and the whole thing isn't as a sorrid as it actually is....for the exact same reasons that you felt that you had to "paint" the same picture. LJ.... Anyone would feel as you do. That the whole marriage was just one big cruel joke. Give yourself time to grieve your past, your present and the future you thought you were living. There is a reason why humans in our history have made the consequence for infidelity....harsh. Why infidelity is specifically listed under grounds for divorce and not let's say..."husband worked long hours" or "wife aged". It is because it is so harmful to the betrayed. The pain is immediate, intense, long lasting and f'ing tears the soul right out of you. 5
harrybrown Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 So sorry for your pain. If he went back to his AP, you will be better with him out of your life. There is too much selfishness on your H's part. He is not remorseful, there is no way for a marriage to work that way. She will cheat on him if she cheats with him. Take good care of yourself and your children. Someday the pain will be less. I did not think it would ever be less. After some years the pain is less, and some days the rage is less. If they really ever loved someone, they could not treat another person this way. They have no idea of the flooding of emotions, the hurt, the loss of self-esteem, the rejection. We have to take care of ourselves. try to exercise, it will help some. please take care of the children. sometimes they think that it is their fault. Your H is not thinking about them either. I hope you have better days ahead.
violet1 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm so sorry LJ. You just need to start seeing your STBXH for what he really is He's an insensitive A hole. He couldn't even wait for the divorce to be finalized to be shacking up and posting pics with the OW. He's not even giving the kids a chance to adjust. Please don't let this man and his arm candy ruin your holidays. Do not give them your power. You enjoy your kids and help make their Christmas memories special. I wish you and your kiddos peace and happiness. Big hugs to you! 6
HurtHusband Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 My wife had an affair this summer with my best friend.. She got pregnant and ended up having an abortion. We have two small children, we are still together but the anger, humiliation and despair I have been through in the last few months were unreal. Worst time of my life...
violet1 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 There's another thing I've been thinking about LJ. The years you spent with this man were a complete facade. I don't believe you love HIM. I think you love the man he pretended to be. Unfortunately, that man doesn't exist. He married you because of your illness and he didn't want to look like the bad guy. That's not a real man. That's a coward and a liar. It's truly a blessing in disguise that the two of you are getting a divorce. I can't imagine the pain you are in. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. He stole precious years of your life with his lies and false reconciliation. Just don't let him destroy your soul. He's not worth anymore of your tears. I know you're hurting, but in time your heart will heal. One day you will look back at this time in your life and realize what a a strong lady and mother you truly are. 5
badkarma2013 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 There's another thing I've been thinking about LJ. The years you spent with this man were a complete facade. I don't believe you love HIM. I think you love the man he pretended to be. Unfortunately, that man doesn't exist. He married you because of your illness and he didn't want to look like the bad guy. That's not a real man. That's a coward and a liar. It's truly a blessing in disguise that the two of you are getting a divorce. I can't imagine the pain you are in. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. He stole precious years of your life with his lies and false reconciliation. Just don't let him destroy your soul. He's not worth anymore of your tears. I know you're hurting, but in time your heart will heal. One day you will look back at this time in your life and realize what a a strong lady and mother you truly are. This is a great post for ALL BSs (BH and BW)...Again All of us here are so sorry for your pain.. 1
inpeices Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 LongJourney! ((Hugs)) At this stage I really want to stress to you how very important it is not to remain entrenched in what you 'perceive' from social media.. Your WH is a master of fake living by all accounts, so please please PLEASE do not allow some photos of them to torture you further.. They are just photo's! I quote you;- "but the reality is that once OW broke NC and retracted her NC letter, my WH was quick to jump. He asked how high. For all of R I found myself stalking her on social media, sadly I still do. Only now I get to see wonderful pictures of her with my WH" Can you see how fickle and superficial your WH is now? As soon as you told him to get out.. He has run like a lost puppy to OW..he HAS to post these pictures on his media to SAVE face! because I bet my bottom dollar! the pictures don't reflect the reality.. I always thought discovering an affair/infidelity was damaging, but actually it's how it is handled afterward which does the most damage of all. The false recoveries, more 'D' days blah blah.. The stalking and desperate need for information and to know what is going on is a common response and I have been where you are right now, except they were cooking in my kitchen and playing happy families as I wept in a rented 1 room property half a mile away...but I still had to care for the mother-inlaw in the adjoined annexe.. (My paid job) Locked out of my own home and knowing they were sleeping in MY bed! Grim! What i will say again, is what seems like a HUGE loss right now, will turn around to watching with morbid interest as their mess creates more mess and MORE mess.. Drama drama and more drama.. Your priority is YOU then your children.. You need to delete him, go very very dark on your private life, use your counsellor and friends, family and us here at loveshack to VENT ANYTHING, but do not give him any inkling as to how you are suffering.. It will inflate his ego further. Protect your children from drama by being strong yourself.. He has lost more than he will ever know. Watch it crash and burn from a distance and keep your morals and true self strong. No matter what obstacle is thrown in your path, you WILL overcome it I promise! She is welcome to your WH because you do not NEED him, just like you don't need to be beaten around the head daily with a hammer.. Cut yourself some slack and stick with it.. Hour by hour, gently, do not rush, do not expect too much, just COPE the best you can..we have been there, it gets better x
merrmeade Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) I hope the IC was helpful. I'm starting IC tomorrow as well to deal similarly with the lie of my past. It's good to read someone else's situation and remind myself that I need and deserve it, that the shock and truth are newer for me and for you than for the APs. Just think, you only have to deal with yourself. This is a good thing. My WH has to be given the whole explanation once a week or he's back to his selfish insensitivity, his stock answer being that he "doesn't think about all that." There's so much wrong with that statement that there's no need to comment. I've lost hope of MC changing him and helping him operate from a position of empathy and other-centeredness and realizing that is the work of IC - his - which will never happen. So you see? Though we are both in the same place of accepting reality — the reality of how they see the marriage and us — you really are better off. The thing to remember is what everyone is telling you. The fact that he could do that to you is evidence that he will do it to someone else eventually and that he's not worth it. He did not dedicate himself to making your relationship something great because he was on the prowl. He will not change his basic orientation. Edited December 5, 2014 by merrmeade 1
violet1 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Hi LJ, I hope you're doing okay. I know you don't always post replies, but I know you'll let us know how you're doing.
Author longjourney Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Hi LJ, I hope you're doing okay. I know you don't always post replies, but I know you'll let us know how you're doing. Thank you for your concern Violet. I am not doing well. My physical health has not changed, but my mental and emotional are in the dumps. I have not done much of anything. Thanks to my sister for trying to pull off Christmas for my kids as well as hers. I just don't have it in me. See this is why my WH was with me so long after DDay, he knew I would crumble. I don't tell him that thou. When he comes to get the kids, it is just that, for the kids. I don't even see him, more so, I don't really want him to see me. I never felt pretty enough as I have said, and now knowing he is with OW everyday, complete opposite of me, his dream girl, I don't even want to think of how relieved he must feel. We are getting the D proceedings going. I sit here and read on LS every day, don't feel like posting much. I feel I can only be myself here because you have all been where I sit now.
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