Eighty_nine Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) I've been dating a guy for a little under two months. I like him, sexual and physical chemistry is there in a big way. We have fun together (although sometimes I wonder if we have enough in common/connect emotionally). He's very good to me- asked to be exclusive, initiates most contact, sets up dates etc. He's never shown anything but tons of interest in me. Is it weird, though, that I feel some sort of distrust toward him because of how many girlfriends he's had? He's 31. From what I can figure out he's only had a couple of long-term relationships, but it seems like he's had lotssss of 2-6mo relationships. 4 over the past two years that I know of, (and one of the longer-term ones was on and off during this time also, so it's more like 5 relationships in two years). I don't know how many people he's dated prior to the last couple of years. I guess it's their time frame that worries me- he's liked people enough to date them for several months, but not for it to work out past that? I guess I'm concerned about becoming another one of those failed few-month relationships. Seems like he's dumped 3 of the past 4 girls he's dated for a few months, and one broke up with him. I have voiced these concerns and he basically says- they just didn't work out, it wasn't right, and one of them moved. He also said he just "hasn't met anyone of my caliber" when I acted confused about so many short term relationships. I hesitate to trust this, and I don't know why. Partially it's because I've seen a few of these girls on Facebook and I'd probably consider them above averagely attractive girls. And yes, I've had relationships myself... 3 long term ones. Dating in between, yes... for me though, things either worked out for several years, or didn't go anywhere. I don't have much experience with shorter relationships. Granted, one of my longer ones should've ended much sooner than it did.... Maybe I'm being a hypocrite. I'm not sure why so many short-term things in the span of two years bugs me so much. Edited December 2, 2014 by lissvarna
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I think it's because you're worried this is a pattern for him, getting with a girl and then it ending several months later, and you don't want to be the next girl this happens with. I feel your concern, to be honest the relationships I've had that have ended after a half year or so have hurt as much as the ones that have ended after several years. I think it's kinda about how much you really like or eventually love the other person, and how it end, rather than the length of time you've been together. So you don't want to find out in six months time that he gets itchy feet at around the same point in all of his relationships, and end up broken hearted while he sails on to the next girl? Personally I'd prefer somebody who's had a couple of serious relationships with maybe one or two shorter ones into the mix (casual sex with whatever number wouldn't bother me), but I know that's madness when my history is much deeper than that and has had a real spread of long term relationships, short term relationships, and casual sex. You can't escape the fact that when you enter a relationship it's statistically likely to end, but I have dated guys before who've never had a serious relationship before me and both of those guys funnily enough were the ones who left me and broke my heart after realising they didn't have it in them to have a serious relationship. I wouldn't want to be anyone's guinea pig for an adult relationship again, but I'd also be concerned if someone had had ten six month relationships and clearly had a pattern going on because when I fall for someone I tend to do my best to make it work and rarely fall out of love, it's hard to be with someone who you feel throws it away. Have you spoken to him in depth about why those relationships ended, when he says it 'just didn't work out'? Why he didn't stick it out with the girl that moved away and attempt a LDR? I wouldn't worry too much about relationships 2-3 months long because to be honest, that's just dating, and hardly enough to call a 'relationship'... if it ends then, it's because you weren't compatible, and realised it after a matter of weeks, whether or not you'd made it 'facebook official' and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But a series of six month relationships would make me wonder what went on six months into it to make either him or her realise that they couldn't bear to be with the other person anymore.
PogoStick Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Ironically, you're the one pushing the current relationship to an end. 2
PogoStick Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Have you spoken to him in depth about why those relationships ended, when he says it 'just didn't work out'? Why he didn't stick it out with the girl that moved away and attempt a LDR? I wouldn't worry too much about relationships 2-3 months long because to be honest, that's just dating, and hardly enough to call a 'relationship'... if it ends then, it's because you weren't compatible, and realised it after a matter of weeks, whether or not you'd made it 'facebook official' and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But a series of six month relationships would make me wonder what went on six months into it to make either him or her realise that they couldn't bear to be with the other person anymore. I agree with the bold part. However, I'm uncomfortable with all the talk of other relationships. It's annoying to have to defend yourself and be put on trial for past relationships. How about they just work on their own relationship and compatibility and stop focusing on the people who didn't work? Statistically 3/4 of men are going to get married, so most want to give commitment a chance. And many who don't get married are still going to end up in long term relationships. The question is, will it be with you?
todreaminblue Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 i think you have to live in the now and give him a chance....its scary dating anyoen new.....you just have to give it a go.....short term relationships or long term relationships shouldn't impact on the one you have with him.....if he has friends he has known for years they are also relationships he holds long term.....when i meet a guy i look how he treats others...his friends his family...and for sure people on the street. or behind the counter .if he treats strangers with respect its a good omen..... if he treats them well chances are he would treat me well too with respect anyway....that is what counts......as far as intimacy goes that develops over time and how a guy was intimate in the past has no bearing on how he would be intimate with me.....so my advice is give it a chance and give him a chance to show you exactly how he is in a relationship with you...the only time i would seriously consider not giving a guy a a chance is if i found out he was violent with exes....i cant be with that type of guy........deb
Author Eighty_nine Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Ironically, you're the one pushing the current relationship to an end. Obviously I disagree with that. But yes I have trust issues.
venusishername Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 You just have to keep reminding yourself not to compare to others. As he is telling you, you are different. Isn't HE different from the men you dated before? Of course he is. Every dating relationship should be a fresh start otherwise you don't stand a chance of it lasting. You are being insecure by thinking this. I would say it would be a red flag if he was married several times or had kids with multiple women, or NEVER had a relationship. What he's saying sounds pretty normal to me. Checking out his exes on FB.. I understand the draw, but believe me, looks have nothing to do with the success of a relationship. They may be pretty, but clearly that's not the basis for anyone to sustain something romantic! Come on, Lissvarna
me85 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Because this is all new and fresh just go with the flow and don't take it too seriously. I do feel like someone who's had a lot of exes is someone to be cautious about, though.
PogoStick Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Obviously I disagree with that. But yes I have trust issues. Instead of focusing on your relationship you're searching for problems that don't exist. 3
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Seems you are willing this relationship to end, you are going to probe and probe, you will end up making yourself miserable and making him think what on earth have I landed myself with this time? We all have pasts, we all make mistakes, we all learn from our mistakes and who is to say you and he are not meant to be together. BUT if you keep questioning him, putting him on the spot about past mistakes. past conquests and past LTRs then you will go mad, he will start thinking you are crazy and dump you.
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 It's not a red flag but it could be a yellow caution flag. In and off itself, it doesn't mean much but pay attention rather than talking the issue to death. Is he kind to you? Does he pay attention to you or do you feel like an afterthought? If everything else about him seems OK, focus on your relationship & don't worry so much about his past.
truth_seeker Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I think you're both perfect for each other. Multiple past relationships... trust issues... dare I say you're soul mates?
Dork Vader Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Ask yourself this one simple question... What does ones past have to do with ones future? Can you please explain to me how your past pertains to your future? I would agree there can be patterns and yeah it might be some sort of red flag. But to what extent can be debated. Perhaps he's had bad luck, perhaps he's not a good person to date. You wont know until you give things between you and him a chance. I've seen douchy people become amazing husbands. I've seen amazing people become horrible husbands. There is a lot more to it then their dating past. You should be concerned about his behavior NOW. What he shows you NOW. Nothing else.
Omei Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 From what it sounds like hes counting everything inc dating for a few months a full fleged relationship. I think most people dont even count that. Personally in my relationship count I only count those that have lasted a year or longer so ive been in three real relationships for example.
Author Eighty_nine Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Well, I'm making it a point not to ask again. He has given me pretty solid answers and all I can do is trust him. Someone said focus on how things are NOW... and they're really good. I guess I just have a lingering worry I'll be another 4-month girl. On the other hand, at least he knows how to end relationships that aren't working. I've been known to string them out for months. I have trouble making myself vulnerable with appropriate partners. I think I'm looking for reasons NOT to get close to him. He often compliments me but I've noticed he's sort of quieter/more reserved when he calls me beautiful or gorgeous and I think it's because I usually am sort of rejecting of the compliment. I gotta stop that! Anyway, I know with vulnerability often comes hurt but I'll never find something really good if I don't take those risks. And I think if you don't trust someone it's very very hard to get close to them. I'm not going to ask about exes again and focus on how he's treating me, now. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I've been dating a guy for a little under two months. I like him, sexual and physical chemistry is there in a big way. We have fun together (although sometimes I wonder if we have enough in common/connect emotionally). He's very good to me- asked to be exclusive, initiates most contact, sets up dates etc. He's never shown anything but tons of interest in me. Is it weird, though, that I feel some sort of distrust toward him because of how many girlfriends he's had? He's 31. From what I can figure out he's only had a couple of long-term relationships, but it seems like he's had lotssss of 2-6mo relationships. 4 over the past two years that I know of, (and one of the longer-term ones was on and off during this time also, so it's more like 5 relationships in two years). I don't know how many people he's dated prior to the last couple of years. I guess it's their time frame that worries me- he's liked people enough to date them for several months, but not for it to work out past that? I guess I'm concerned about becoming another one of those failed few-month relationships. Seems like he's dumped 3 of the past 4 girls he's dated for a few months, and one broke up with him. I have voiced these concerns and he basically says- they just didn't work out, it wasn't right, and one of them moved. He also said he just "hasn't met anyone of my caliber" when I acted confused about so many short term relationships. I hesitate to trust this, and I don't know why. Partially it's because I've seen a few of these girls on Facebook and I'd probably consider them above averagely attractive girls. And yes, I've had relationships myself... 3 long term ones. Dating in between, yes... for me though, things either worked out for several years, or didn't go anywhere. I don't have much experience with shorter relationships. Granted, one of my longer ones should've ended much sooner than it did.... Maybe I'm being a hypocrite. I'm not sure why so many short-term things in the span of two years bugs me so much. Finding the right person is a process and you don't know who is right for you really until you've gone down the road for a bit. If you really like this man and want to see "where it goes", you'll need to be patient. After all, you might actually end up being the right one for him and you might be the right one for him. Pay close attention to his emotional availability. Does he listen to your wants and needs and respond in a way that is supportive to you, etc.? You mentioned the emotional connection, you are sensing something there but take it a day at a time. Enjoy the time you spend with him. Don't be worried about other relationships. Be a woman who is different from all the others. You may not know them or how they were, but you can create an environment that shows him you can be the one for him. Pay attention to his needs and wants and support him. Don't be completely reliant on him.
most_distant_galaxy Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 My relationships have also become shorter because I have more experience -> I can gauge whether there is compatibility a lot faster. And I get annoyed a lot easier than I did before. So I wouldnt mind the duration of your boyfriend's relationships. I think it's a bigger turnoff if a man has a victim mentality when he talks about his exes. Or talks negatively about them. Or shares memories about his exes out of the blue. 1
GravityMan Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I can understand why this is giving you pause, OP. It's similar to hiring managers being concerned about a candidates's unstable work history. Tons of 3-6 month relationships could mean that he has a history of being a poor judge of character. Or it could mean that he gets bored easily, or that he can't stand being alone. Who knows. You should give him a chance, though...don't let your concerns prematurely sabotage the relationship. I'm more concerned that all this information about his past relationships is being disclosed in the first place, and only two months in. If you're probing him about it, stop. If he's willingly disclosing that stuff out of the blue, then he needs to stop that...because that's inconsiderate of his current GF's feelings (i.e. you), and it possibly indicates that he doesn't have much of a life outside of his relationships. Many emotionally healthy couples have a DADT policy on this stuff, and for good reason. They don't outright hide that part of their individual pasts, but they don't go out of their way to talk about it either. It's just not a big deal to them and they are focused more on the present and what's right in front of them. Unless they're really young, it's generally assumed that they have a history and that's that. If prior relationships come up, it usually happens naturally within the context of some other topic. 1
PogoStick Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Well, I'm making it a point not to ask again. He has given me pretty solid answers and all I can do is trust him. Someone said focus on how things are NOW... and they're really good. I guess I just have a lingering worry I'll be another 4-month girl. On the other hand, at least he knows how to end relationships that aren't working. I've been known to string them out for months. I have trouble making myself vulnerable with appropriate partners. I think I'm looking for reasons NOT to get close to him. He often compliments me but I've noticed he's sort of quieter/more reserved when he calls me beautiful or gorgeous and I think it's because I usually am sort of rejecting of the compliment. I gotta stop that! Anyway, I know with vulnerability often comes hurt but I'll never find something really good if I don't take those risks. And I think if you don't trust someone it's very very hard to get close to them. I'm not going to ask about exes again and focus on how he's treating me, now. There is some good insight. I'm glad you found it. Being vulnerable is scary and can lead to being hurt, but it feels so good when you give it to someone and they take great care of it. Instead of probing about his relationships, just open up about your feelings and fears. Be vulnerable and give him a chance to make you feel safe. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Obviously I disagree with that. But yes I have trust issues. I agree with PogoStick. You are worried about something that cannot be predicted. But if you do have trust issues, this will bleed into your relationship, little at a time. You will end up poisoning the relationship, and it will become a self-fulfilled prophecy. Stop worrying about a possible outcome. Focus on the now. Take it one step at time, each day, and enjoy the relationship. Also, work on your trust issues.
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