Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 You are going to get hammered for that statement. You know you should have thought about the kids before hand and didn't. Collateral damage, I'm afraid. Rise above your fear and face it. The sooner, the better. This is something you will learn a valuable lesson from. I'm sorry for everyone involved, especially the children. 1
Clay Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It's about the kids involved, not me! :lmao:If there weren't children I would have no problems telling him because while I know he would be devastated which makes me feel like a POS I don't want to ruin the lives of the children involved. That's what's affecting me the most. The adults in he situation can in time come to terms with what has happened but children are another story. Do you not think I am a person with a heart and even though I've made a horrible decision I can have remorse and feelings. Once he finds out it will no longer be about your choice. It will be about his choice. Your best to tell him yourself if you want to try to save your marriage. If you don't tell him and he finds out from someone else your chances of saving your marriage and keeping your kids out of it as much as possible will be out of the question. Cheating is not a mistake. Its a choice. Your chose to do what you did because it is what you wanted to do. You better get used to the fact that soon you will no longer have any say about anything. Especially if he finds out from someone else. Clay
MuddyFootprints Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Have you read the pinned thread at the top of this forum? Things every wayward spouse needs to know. Start there. Chances are you are going to be found out. Nobody is going to believe your denial either, not when the evidence is staring them in the face. You have blown up your marriage and your family whether your husband is aware of it yet or not. Do some careful reading and very honest soul searching. You need to sit down and have a truthful conversation with the man you married.
purplesorrow Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 If the pics that were found are some you wouldn't want your husband to see, you should tell him. The last thing you want is the mm's bw sending those to your husband.
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It's about the kids involved, not me! :lmao:If there weren't children I would have no problems telling him because while I know he would be devastated which makes me feel like a POS I don't want to ruin the lives of the children involved. That's what's affecting me the most. The adults in he situation can in time come to terms with what has happened but children are another story. Do you not think I am a person with a heart and even though I've made a horrible decision I can have remorse and feelings. yes but it is a bush-league, self-preserving one. If the children were not a thought in preventing the affair, if keeping the marriage and family strong and protected before and during the affair was not YOUR priority THEN, it smacks so many BSs as hypocritical to worry about those innocent darlings NOW, IMO. 1
Akheron Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Eclipse, ther are only to options now. You tell your H or the BW tells your H. Unfortunately in your case, the chickens have come home to roost. 1
Sassy Girl Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Petee, if you would be so kind to read my responses you maybe I would consider your opinion. I've admitted I was the one at fault, not my husband and not the other persons wife! I don't blame her one bit and I deserve every name she will call me, but I TRULY do not want either of us to loose our families over a 1 time mistake, a huge mistake yes but something that won't ever happen again. My biggest fear is that neither one will believe the truth and that's why I would rather not confess what happened. Nahhh...its not a one time mistake... you know that... it was a series of bad decisions you made... admit it to yourself... The decision to send inappropriate messages, the decision to set up a date, the decision to arrange the sex, the decision to lie to your spouse, the decision to carry on the emotional affair. All your decisions, all yours. The cat is out of the bag... only a matter of time before she finds your partner anyways. You'd best tell him yourself or else prove to be the remorseless liar you are. A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out. You knew what you were doing... you just didn't care (BTW, I'm a MOW also) 4
petee Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Right, to see if there is good advice let's consider the pics. What do they show, are they identifiable and can they be explained otherwise?
me85 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 The right decision ??? ...if you want to salvage your marriage... end all contact with your ex for now and forever and come clean to your H, beg him not to leave you, do counseling or whatever it takes to make it work and win back his trust. OR ...if you do not love your H and are still in love with your ex or are in anyway torn between the two then you should come clean to your H and most likely need to file for separation/divorce. No matter what, though, you need to come clean to your H. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It's about the kids involved, not me! :lmao:If there weren't children I would have no problems telling him because while I know he would be devastated which makes me feel like a POS I don't want to ruin the lives of the children involved. That's what's affecting me the most. The adults in he situation can in time come to terms with what has happened but children are another story. Do you not think I am a person with a heart and even though I've made a horrible decision I can have remorse and feelings. Listen, you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy here unfortunately, even though you've been very brave by coming here to ask advice. i think you are still dodging accountability. Sure..you SAY if there were no kids, you'd tell your husband what happened....but be honest with yourself, if not with us. You know that's BS. You'd take this secret to your grave because to do otherwise is to risk loss, and the whole point of having your cake and eating someone else's cake too would be lost. That's what you wanted, and now you are trying to avoid loss. It would be the same way if you didn't have kids, or you had a dog, or shared a house or whatever excuse you'd come up with to try to avoid being exposed. We all already know this, and all the remorse ( which I'm sure is now REAL AS HELL because you're scared ) in the world won't change the fact that you are squirming, and looking for someone to say it's ok to keep hiding your deceit from your husband. You need to really ask yourself what you'd want if it were all reversed. NOT the pollyanna version that lets your husband off the hook the way you hope to be now. But the REAL feelings. Red Pill...Blue Pill. You may be ok with taking the Blue one yourself...but you are asking for reassurance that it's ok to feed one to your husband, and that dog don't hunt around here. 1
drifter777 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It's about the kids involved, not me! :lmao:If there weren't children I would have no problems telling him because while I know he would be devastated which makes me feel like a POS I don't want to ruin the lives of the children involved. That's what's affecting me the most. The adults in he situation can in time come to terms with what has happened but children are another story. Do you not think I am a person with a heart and even though I've made a horrible decision I can have remorse and feelings. This situation always tears at me. I know that - if I was your husband - I would not want to know. Period. BUT - if his BW found you then she's likely to find your H as well. The odds of reconciliation go down pretty dramatically when the cheating is discovered rather than confessed. Only you know what the chances of his wife finding and telling your husband really are. If you believe that she won't tell him then keep your mouth shut, stop posting on this forum, and try to never betray him like this again. But if there is a "good" chance he is going to hear it from someone then confessing will give you a much better chance to save your family. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 If you don't confess or get busted, you'll probably end up doing it again. 1
jbrent890 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Op, you are in the same position my wife was in a couple of years ago. She had a ONS and decided to keep it to herself. I just found out about this a couple of weeks ago. Even though she did everything in her power to make sure something like that never happened again, she didn't do the one thing she was supposed to do, which was tell me. Instead she chose to treat me like a child and take away my decision on what I want to do with my life. This is what you are currently doing to your husband. Two things. First, your excuse of not wanting to see two families destroyed is bull crap. Let's call a spade a spade shall we. You just don't want to face the consequences of your action. Children run away and rug sweep problems, adults face their issues head on. Second, stop calling what you did a mistake. My wife doesn't even do that. A mistake entails you had no control of the outcome. In your case, you made a deliberate decision to cheat on your partner. Yes there is a chance your husband will leave and yes your marriage will never be the same. But that's the choice you made when you cheated. It's time to live with it. 3
Bryanp Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Did you get tested for STD's? If not you certainly don't want to put your husband at risk for STD's. By the way, was it worth it in hindsight? Good luck.
Bryanp Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 As a follow up which I forgot to ask is were you having problems sexually or emotionally with your husband? Usually a happy satisfied person would not cheat on their spouse.
No Limit Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 but I TRULY do not want either of us to loose our families over a 1 time mistake, a huge mistake yes but something that won't ever happen again. My biggest fear is that neither one will believe the truth and that's why I would rather not confess what happened. That's the risk of cheating. Obviously by doing the act you agree that having sex with someone else than your partner is worth taking all those risks. You are a participant in the affair, and now that you've been caught you have no control over the outcome anymore (only influence it by confessing yourself, some people take that better than hearing about it frm other people). Good luck. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Parents and Educators spend years teaching children....you choose the action,you choose the consequence. Good or bad. To say you did not understand that families/children/spouses would get hurt/breakup if you choose to have sex with your ex is disingenuous. You either didn't care or were banking on them to not find out. But in so far as not understanding what the risks were....you did. You choose the action....you now get the consequence/s. I noticed something, although slight, it is very telling about your mindset/thought processes/minimizing abilities. You say you met up 2 or 3 times afterwards. It is either 2 or 3. I don't know the answer, but you do. It is just one of those, not an either or. From experience in this type of "lying", it is often found to be really 5 more times. You see, these types of lies are meant to say a general truth....not the whole, exact truth. It is hiding behind "well, I did say we met up, I just forgot how many times, it really isn't a lie". Every infidelity expert agrees (even those who say do not confess), that if there is a possibility of disclosure from a third party it is always better to tell your BS yourself. I also want to add, what you did (by lying), to the other BS is tantamount to emotional abuse. The OBS, has suspicions and you told her that her perceptions were whacked. Again, all infidelity experts agree, that once confronted you should tell the truth. Being gaslighted is a form of torture/abuse to a suspecting BS. You just told her to shove her own emotional/mental/physical health aside and to put your emotional/mental/physical/financial/family health first.....one of the people who hurt her....told her....that she really should do the right thing and buy into the bull****. It is just not disrespectful, it is cruel. The right thing...is for YOU to own the **** that YOU created...not ask those that you have harmed to eat the bull****. 3
Arieswoman Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Eclipse82, How is gender relevent? Cheating is cheating. 1
badkarma2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Petee, if you would be so kind to read my responses you maybe I would consider your opinion. I've admitted I was the one at fault, not my husband and not the other persons wife! I don't blame her one bit and I deserve every name she will call me, but I TRULY do not want either of us to loose our families over a 1 time mistake, a huge mistake yes but something that won't ever happen again. My biggest fear is that neither one will believe the truth and that's why I would rather not confess what happened. GODALMIGHTY....AGAIN THERE ARE NO MISTAKES....ONLY CHOICES..THE SOONER YOU SEE THIS THE CLEARER IT WILL BECOME....YOU PASSED DOZENS OF RED FLAGS BEFORE THE SEX ACTS TOOK PLACE...A CHOICE NOTHING MORE...OVER YOUR BH... WSs never cease to amaze me!! If you did not want it affect your marriage why did you make that Choice? 2
badkarma2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Nahhh...its not a one time mistake... you know that... it was a series of bad decisions you made... admit it to yourself... The decision to send inappropriate messages, the decision to set up a date, the decision to arrange the sex, the decision to lie to your spouse, the decision to carry on the emotional affair. All your decisions, all yours. The cat is out of the bag... only a matter of time before she finds your partner anyways. You'd best tell him yourself or else prove to be the remorseless liar you are. A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out. You knew what you were doing... you just didn't care (BTW, I'm a MOW also) ***************************************************************** Thank God...Someone here with clairity and IMO a STRAIGHT SHOOTER ... I applaude you for just the facts ....
aliveagain Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I'm married and have been having an affair with my ex who is also married. Their spouse just found some pics on there significant others phone. They somehow found me via Facebook and obviously was pissed. I denied everything and acted as if I had no idea what they were talking about. I don't want to ruin their relationship nor see mine destroyed in the process. I have no idea what the significant other really knows at this point. What's the best way to handle this? I would prefer neither finding out about our 1 sexual encounter and we never speak again. Please don't tell me should of, could of, would of....blah blah blah. I already know that! Please explain what you mean by "they" and why you refer to your affair partners wife as the "significant other" instead of wife, their married? You can not control other people and by the sounds of it O/M is probably going to have to come clean with his wife to save his marriage. You will be thrown under the bus. It is just a matter of time before your infidelity is made known to your husband. You will fair better if you expose the affair to your husband before he finds out on his own, every betrayed spouse on this site will tell you that. Most would never have even considered reconciliation had their spouse not confessed before they discovered it themselves, many already suspected. It was your selfishness that put in this situation don't let your selfishness finish what your affair started. Remember O/M's wife already knows, your time is about to run out and there is a huge difference in your relationship outcome based on how your husband learns of your infidelity. Honesty is the only way out of this, honesty won't destroy your marriage, fu*king another man and keeping it from your husband will. This was no drunken one night stand this was planned, you and your O/M plotted, lied and carried off a betrayal against your husband. Your husband will figure this difference out on his own and will fully understand the depth of the betrayal against him. As someone already posted previously there are many sites that will tell you how to cheat and hide it from your spouse, this site is about saving what is left of your marriage if that is what you want? Is saving your marriage what you want or is saving your perception of who you think you are more important to you? You may not be able to do both because one of these will require you to continue lying to yourself about who you think you are. You will need to find out your reason for cheating because your husband will need to know. Book independent counselling for yourself to help you find this answer, doing so will be seen as a positive move and will go a long way in helping your husband to feel safe with you again. Stop lying, stop deceiving people you purport to love, the truth will set you free. Time for honesty in your marriage if you want a chance at saving it because the damage is already done and it is only a matter of days, weeks maybe even months before it lands on your family. 1
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