Scooby6 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 My gf amd I have been going out for 5 years now. We started going out when she was 16years old. I at the time was 23. We have seven years between us. She's 21 now and in her 3rd year at university. Everything was so beautiful until last year. Everyone that looked at us wished that they had a relationship like we do. She loved me sooo much and nothing could take her away from me. I have move 700kms away from her becos of a job. It pays really well and at the time we both we very happy cos its something 'we' need in the years to come. I used to only see her every 2/3months. At one time I had to really, really, really work and so did not see her for 5 months! This is wen all went wrong! Wen I finally got to see her, things weren't the same. Well for me all seemed well. Wen the weekend was over and I returned to this far away place, she wasn't answering my calls n stuff... n wen she finally did n I starting making a fuss about how I'm so worried about her being safe n stuff, ... she said 'So you noticed something was wrong ... I want to break up with you.' Since them I tried my best to get her back. She kept pushing me away! 3 months later ... I go back for the holidays (that is my home town) only to find out that she was seeing someone else ... after she broke up wid me. After a while of trying to win her back ... she became my gf again. Since then all has NOT been as it once was. Just 2 days ago ... she says she wants space again. She says that I'm perfect n stuff and she would want to marry someone like me but she is just not ready for that. ALL her family love me and think that I'm the perfect one for this girl. She says that all this time (thro' school and now university) she has never had time to herself ... never had time to breath. I'm trying REALLY hard to understand and to give her this space but I miss her sooo much and just constantly feel the need to phone her before I DIE! I miss her sooo much ... now that everything that has happened .. its even worst for me to try and understand. What do I do ... Call her ... Not call her ?!? I NEED HELP... My tired soul is witherering day by day by day!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Sadly, absence usually does not make the heart grow fonder, and this is why long distance relationships rarely work out. People get lonely, and things happen. You noticed something was wrong, and when you told her that, she finally realized that she needed to be honest with you, and that if she wanted to be free, she had to set you free as well. That is why she broke up with you. She told you what she wanted once, to break up with you so that she could have her freedom and space, and you didn't like it, so you talked her into doing something she didn't want (stay with you as your GF, and be loyal to you even though you were going to be so far away). She gave it a shot because she does love you, and cares for you, but eventually loneliness and curiosity got the better of her, and while you were gone, it sounds like she again got a taste of the dating life, and liked it (or maybe she didn't, and just remembers what it was like, and prefers it to being alone). Now she is telling you she "wants a break" (which I guess is a way of asking for her freedom, while giving you the option to not take yours), but I think that sadly, the meaning is the same. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. I know you are in pain, but there may really be very little you can do. And she does have a point. You had a dating life before you met her, but she really never got to experience that. Being always alone (aside from when you would see her once every 60-150 days), and seeing her friends go out, have fun, and have an everyday closeness with someone, was just more than she could take. It doesn't make her a bad person, it only makes her human. You hooked up with her when she was 16 years old, and she no doubt loved you very much, and you were everything she wanted. Then when you left, she got lonely, and explored finding someone else to spend time with. She liked the experience, and before she commits to spending the rest of her life with someone (which sounds like exactly where you are going with this relationship, and she knows that), she wants to experience the single life some more. I know it hurts, but that is what it looks like from what you have said. I'm sure she still has feelings for you, and definately cares about you or she would not have got back with you in the first place, but it also sounds like she really does need space. I know you would probably quit your job, and go back to that town if you thought it would mean for sure getting her back, and it might for a while, but that would not be being true to what you want in your life (a career), and would also not give her what she so clearly wants (freedom and space to meet new people, experience the dating life, and see what is out there). Even if you did give up everything and go back, and even if you did talk her into getting back with you, she might always resent not having that chance she so clearly wants, after already having tasted it. I am sorry, and a broken heart is never any fun, but it happens to the best of us. Things will get better. If you love someone (and they want freedom), set them free. If they come back, it was real. If they don't, things have a way of working out how they should. I know how badly it hurts right now, trust me I know, but be strong, and think about what is best for both of you. You are 700km away after all, and how much relationship have you really been having since you left? I know you drew strength from knowing she was there, but people in a relationship should be together. Most of all, don't start kicking yourself for moving 700km away when you did. You did what you had to do for security in your life, and you thought for hers too. All we can ever do, is take our best shot, and live with the consequences. In this case, I know the consequences suck, but you never know what that other path not taken would have brought you, and you never will - and it is not necessarily that the two of you would still be togehter! Sometimes, when people see each other every single day, things don't work out then either. Right now, you just need to let the regret go, and move on with your life. She may realize what she lost when she left you, or she may not. Also keep in mind, that what she said was "I want space". She didn't say she never wants to see you again, or that you and her are unequivocally over. It sounds like she really just wants her freedom to explore life while you are so far away. If the connection between you two is as real as you seem to think it is, it might even be a healthy thing in the long run, even though it hurts now, but you should also face up to the fact that she may very well meet someone else, and that it may truly be over. Take your freedom too. Do not wait for her, as she is clearly not waiting for you. Just move forward not really knowing if your paths will cross again, date other people, and hope for the best. Again, I know it is hard, but many things in life are. Best of luck to you.
Missromantic Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Hi there, I know how much it hurts when we loose our loved ones especially after investing so much into the relationship! I am sure you feel destroyed because you had all these plans with her, all these dreams.. I will share a story with you because I was in a very similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. I hope it will give you some ideas and it will answer some of your questions why!! I met my ex-boyfriend when I was 19 years old. He was 5 years older so he was already pretty mature about relaitonships and what he wanted. We had a great relationship! We became really serious about each other and he loved me SOOOOO SOOOO much I have never felt so loved by anyone! At first it felt really nice to be loved like this but then I started to take him for granted! Believe me I didn't want to but he made me feel like I could. Everyone thought he was the perfect prince for me. He taught me so many new things about life and he inspired me a lot! He was so special for me! I went through a bad patch in my life so it was like a faith that I met him at that time because he was able to bring back the smile of my face. However, he became so serious about me and so sure that he had given me an engagement ring when I was only 21 or 22 years old. I cannot remember exactly. It was the most expensive ring but unfortunately I wasn't mature enough to realise what that meant! For him it meant this is for life! He was always so sure about our future, our relationship! He worked hard like you said for us and for our future! I appreciated it but I wasn't really that sure how he was that I want to settle down with him especially being so young! He almost scared me with the way he was so serious about us! I missed having just fun and not being so serious! I felt I was missing out! I then started university and our relationship became long-distance! I was meeting so many different people. For the first two years I was really sad because I missed my boyfriend too much! I didn't socialise as much as I should have! I regret it now to be honest! University life is about having lots of fun and meeting lots of new people! I started to resent him! It was not his fault but I started to feel like I don't want to be so serious! I am young! I want to enjoy! There were lots of guys flirting with me and I started to like the attention! I started to realise that I want to experience much more before settling down! Our relationship went down hill! I started to distance myself! I was getting more and more irritated with him because he was living his life just for me! He then came to stay with me because he thought the problem was the distance. Well, it wasn't! It was because I wasn't ready to be serious! I thought I was during the first years of our relationship (It was a 5 year long relationship) but I realised I was far too young to know that this is it! He was so so sad! He was trying everything he could to win me back but it didn't work! I needed to get away from him! I wanted to go out, be free and just enjoy myself! I didn't want to worry about our future whether we can afford this and that.. I just wanted to live my student life before I had to face the real life! And I broke up with him! He was crushed! I know! He had all these plans with me! But it didn't happen! He was trying and waiting for me for a year or so but I didn't want to go back! I still cared about him so much as a person because he was very special and he was very warm-hearted but I dddin't want him as a boyfriend anymore! His love suffocated me! Anyway, we met again about a couple of years ago and he was still hurt I think but he was slowly moving on and I was still the crazy girl not knowing what I want. BUT I can tell you I realised later when he told me that he had moved on and met someone else whom I lost! I lost a very caring, loving person! It was too late though. But I think it was just a feeling of "we want what we can't have"! I am not sure! My point is that you should leave her alone! Even if you win her back, she will not be yours fully. She will go back because she is feeling sorry for you! But not because she wants to go back to you on her own! I remember that my boyfriend was trying so hard to win me back but the more he did, the more I felt the urget to get away! She knows that you love her and as much as it sounds sad, she probably lost the interest! People are normally attracted to challenge! Unfortunately it is so easy to take things for granted when we know for sure! There are a few points you should think about: 1) you say you met her when she was only 16 years old. You were probably her first serious or even her first boyfriend! She probably felt like she was missing out and she would like to experience more before settling down. I am sure you would prefer she would do that now rather then after 10 years of marriage! I always think that it is better to experience more and to hurt ourselves several times to learn about different people, love styles, characters so then we can finally decide this is what suits me, this is the best person out of all of them and this is the one! I know how hard it is to find the one! But I think you might need to let her experince more! She can then become sure that you were the best for her because she has something to compare with! 2) you say that her family loves you and they think you are the perfect one for her! That's very nice and a big plus in a relationship. However, a relationship is about only the two partners and how they feel! 3) you say that you were working for you two! that's very good and you are obviously very responsible and that's a good trait! But I am not sure she was really thinking that far ahead! I think you should live your life for yourself as well as for your relationship! I am sorry if I couldn't give you a better answer that could give you a hope! I think there is a hope BUT you must think rationally! She is still in her third year of university! She probably wants to enjoy the last year of her uni before she goes out into the real world! You must stop calling her, you must disappear for a while! She needs to have the space and time to miss you! If you were that close to each other how you explained, she should miss you! I don't want to give you false hopes by telling you I am sure she will come back! It would not be fair on you! It took me a year or so to realise I missed my ex-fiance. It might take her a month or a year! Everyone is different! BUT please don't beg her, don't call her family, don't write her letters! This will not help! She needs to worry a little that she might be lossing you! She is not going to realise this if you are going to be begging for another chance! Don't be so easily available! Don't be so transparent with your feelings! You must make her wonder a little about you! Do you go out with your friends a lot? Try to go out.. even chat another girl up! I am sure your ego has been hurt now! You need to go out to feel good about yourself again! And if she calls you, don't be available! Don't answer the phone! Be a challenged! It worked for me! My ex wasn't answering his phone and I started to feel a little worried because before he was ALWAYS there! So I was almost shocked he wasn't this time! Play hard to get! Us girls we sometimes like the "bad boys"! She knows that you are not a bad guy but you must have a different attitude and you will see what happens! But even if she comes back, don't take her back straight away! She dumped you! Please realise! She dumped you! You need to have pride! Don't chase after her! If you feel really down and you need to talk, come here and vent here but please don't call her! Delete her number and write it down and hide it somewhere so you are not tempted! BE STRONG! I know you can do it!!! Let me know how you are doing! I am here if you need to talk! I am checking this message board frequently so don't worry. You can be weak here and show us your hurt feelings but not to her!! I hope I could help a bit! Miss romantic
Author Scooby6 Posted March 20, 2005 Author Posted March 20, 2005 WOW! Do you know ... I am so down that I actually googled my way into this forum. I never actually trully thought that it would help. These two responses 'withorwithoutyou' and 'miss romantic' are sooo helpful its unbelievable. Firstly 'WithOrWithoutYou', I really want to thank you for your honestly .. there is a lot of stregnth for me in your words. THANK YOU! Second 'Miss Romantic', ... wow ... I'm blown away ... wat luck to actually have someone who actually had the same experience ... well more that you were actually 'THAT GIRL'. You have no idea how much you have helped me to understand the situation. THANK YOU! To both of you... I know that its still gonna hurt! ... I REALLY LOVE HER! I'm going to take your advice 'miss romantic' ... it seems brilliant. My life SEEMS like one big hole ... but u both right. I need to pick my self up and move on... its gonna be hard tho' cos she has actually been a big part of my life (5 years of it). I'm currently in the gym aquiring that BEAUTIFUL body (lol) ... and only have 1 real problem tho' ... I don't really have any friends here that I can go out with ... my job is REALLY taxing on me ... you see I'm a computer programmer and my employee expects tooooo much from me since I create real good stuff that enhances his business ... the more I do .. the more he wants ... he gets tooo excited. And so I don't really have time to go out and have fun... sit at home and feel sorry for myself ... now that I can do! Oh well ... time to be strong ... except in this relationship ... I'm a big wooooooos! Thanks again guys for those great words ... It helps ... even if just a little ... I DO APPRECIATE THEM!
Missromantic Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 I am glad it could help a little!!! I know you still love her and it will take lots of time for you to be able to move on! there is nothing wrong to feel weak! You need to grief! That's a part of the healing process! Don't force yourself otherwise when you meet someone new or even if you are supposed to be back with her, you can be ready and strong again! If you need more help, I am here! And please try to join some clubs! Do you play football or some sport? Try to look for some groups so you can get out there and meet new people! Sitting at home, on your own is not going to help you! You must try your best to meet new people! Even if you had to talk to the gym instructor! Please try!! Otherwise if you talk to your girl again, she will know you were waiting for her all this time and she will not find the desire in her as I told you! I know you are really sad and down now! But I thought maybe as a guy if you could please advise me on my situation? I have a thread here and I am so weak myself! But that's only if you feel like it! I am just desparate for help as well! I love my guy and he ended it for quite similar reasons...
Author Scooby6 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Well 'miss romantic' I feel your pain. I feel just like you ... On the one hand I want to give her the time and be all understanding .. but it hurts so bad and I miss her sooo much! ... This eventually will lead me to calling her. And as you said that I shouldn't ... its hard! I see myself as being that person that you described ... I give her everything ... she knows that I will always wait/be there for her. Even tho' she said that if I feel that I need to move on that I should... I know in the back of her head she KNOWS that I won't. I have said and expressed tooo much that says that I WILL wait for her no matter what! I seems so unfair becos ... she will be going out ... dancing ... looking all hot ... OBVIOUSLY guys are going to want her. This road to me that she is going on ... is to me a one way road. I hate it cos ... I know what we can be! It's hard to throw all of that away! Even tho' I know she is thinking quite immature and I feel that someday she will want me ... I feel hurt and it all seems illogical that I have to go thro' this pain before something good happens. Oh by the way 'miss romantic' I think I forgot to tell you that because everyone in her family love me ... everything in her life (to her) seems to be pre-planned! She says that basically its like her whole life has been planned ... like ME ... and how she dresses ... and how she behaves ... etc. Thats not my fault! She even admits its not .. but the problem still is there. This is naturally what comes after a 5year relationship. It normally heads towards marriage and stuff. 'Miss Romantic' .. she says that I can call her once in a while (thats like maybe once a month) and that I can come n visit her. BUT: you see 'miss romantic' she says that she is not going to tell everyone about wats happening (her parents, other family, etc.) cos she knows that if she does that, everyone will 'be on her case' about the whole thing. 'miss romantic' all her extended family etc. really like me n I am part of the family ... even if she leaves me ... they will ALWAYS love me. ... its like that... so when she says that I can come and visit her ... its partly because if I go 'home' .... and not visit her, everyone will start to question it all ... and start to treat her differently. Please tap those keys and produce those ever helpful words. I REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO FOR ME. THANKS!
Missromantic Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Hi Scooby, please DO NOT CALL her!!! Repeat after me! I AM NOT GOING TO CALL HER!! I know it's really really hard for you now! You miss her, you want to hear her voice, you want her to know how much she means to you... I know! BUT BUT you must tell yourself that she had told you " I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU"! I don't mean to be harsh and I don't mean to upset you! But she does not have the same feelings for you as you have for her. Otherwise she would never have the strength to break up with you and take the risk of loosing you! Just think - now you miss her so badly, you want to talk to her, you want her back and be like before! Why doesn't she have the same wishes? Why is she not calling you? it's because right now she doesn't have the desire to do so. And you really really MUST respect her wish to break up! If you call her, she will think you are not respecting her decision and you are trying to make her feel sorry for you and guilty! She will probably even lost respect for you becasue she knows that you are loning for her so she now has the power to do anything she wants with you! you are so valnurable now! Please BE STRONG and do not face more pain! What do you think you are going to get if you call her? She will probably be all distant with you or maybe friendly but she will not speak to you anymore as your girlfriend! It will only hurt you more if you call her! You have to face the pain now! And I can assure you it'll get better with time! I was there! Believe me I was at my lowest - not eating for days, not being able to even get up and cook myself a simple meal, i couldn't face anyone but after some time I said to myself if he doesn't want me, I am not gong to push myself on him and I am not going to suffer for him! I always tell myself if I call him how am I going to find out that his feelings for me are real or that he is still interested in me! It makes you feel better when they call, write but they must be the ones who make the first steps and then it's our choice to decide how to respond! You had 5 years together! It's a long time I know! She was even dating someone else after she broke up with you! Have respect for yourself! She should be asking you for fogiveness and not you caling her trying to get her back! She needed to taste the freedom and to see others! I felt the same when I broke it off with my ex-finace! I was so happy to be free again.. and unfortunately it felt good! I still cared for him but I wanted to be single and free! He called me many times but the only thing I could feel was feeling sorry for him! Her feelings are not going to change if you are gonig to call her! It's not going to happen like that! She needs to feel as I said before that you are moving on, she is loosing you.. That's how it works unforunately! And I have experienced it myself so I know what I am talking about. I am not saying everyone works the same but in general people work like this when it comes to love and relationships! I know how you feel about her gonig out again and dancing and flirting... you say it seems unfair! Well, there is unforunately NOTHING you can do about that! You cannot stop her! She is not your girlfriend anymore! The only way you can make it fair is to go out yourself too! I know how it feels to you though! I have the same feeling about my ex! He is a French man.. really good-looking so you can imagine how I feel! BUT you must tell yourself that you are a great guy!! I know your self-esteem is low now! BUT try to work out.. go running.. eat healthy food.. go and buy new clothes.. and please try to meet new people.. and DO GO OUT as well! And stop thinking about what she does! Tell yourself "OK you want to enjoy, I will enjoy as well!" and this must be your attitude!!! Not sitting at home worrying she might be meeting other men! And by the way, it's been proven that rebound relationships do not work out very well normally! It's always wise and good to take time out to reflect on the past relationship! so she will be probably going crazy now.. i have to say I went crazy myself after being in such a serious relationship for 5 years! BUT I can tell you it was only a temporary fulfillment! At the end of the day, everyone wants someone who cares for them! BUT please please get a grip of yourself and work on yourself! Tell yourself that if she doesn't want to be with you it's HER LOSS and another girl will! You are still very young and you should also enjoy yourself before you get an old man Try to step out of the box you are in now! The world is wonderful!! There are so many opportunities for us! There are so many interesting people out there! you probably think now but she was the only one girl I wanted, she was the best for me!! Noone is perfect and I am sure that she had some characteristics you ddin't like about her! Did she always make you feel so great?? you need ask yourself these quetions! You are not in such a emotional state that the only thing you can think about is how wonderful she is, how much you love her and how much you want her back.. BUT please try to step back and look at her as a person! Is she really truly someone you think is the special one for you?? Even if your answer is yes, if you think she was the special one for you it has to come from her too! and it didn't! In my opinion life cannot be pre-planned! We don't know what is going to happen tomorrow so how can we know what is going to happen in 10 or 20 years time? the way i see it is that your relationship was too intense so it took some power from her as individual away! She was heavily influenced by you and your relationship. I don't agree that it normally leads to marriage. She may be saying it's not your fault and it probably isn't but she wanted to become an independant individual again! I remember that with my ex I wanted to suddenly taste what it is to be on my own, to do things for myself! Believe me I was heavily influenced by our relationship too!But his intense love draw me into such a state that at the end I was even lazy to get up and make myself a cup of tea. He was sooo in love with me he did everything for me! He lost himself for me! And there were times I lost myself for him but people will start to feel uncomfortable once they start to feel too much dependant! They will suddenly want to feel free again! You see she has so much power now! She says to you that you can call her once in a while and you can visit her! That's because she IS SURE and SHE KNOWS that you will run back as soon as she cliks her fingers! It doesn't make her a bad person but it's the way you allow her to have this power! I was the same with my ex! BUT he managed to turn the tables round and YOU MUST do the same! you don't call her! you don't visit her! She has to call you, beg you for forgiveness, she has to ask you if she could come to see you.. not the other way round othewise she will not respect you and love is based on respect! That's why I am telling you do not call her and do not visit her! Disappear and if she loves you or has strong feelings, she should be running back. BUT you must not hope! It's better to be surprised rather than disappointed! You must be really really busy and look after yourself, your ego so if she does call you, you can tell her "oh i have been so busy, i had not time to think about anything.. how are you? and then you say it was nice talking you, well i have to go now, I have things to do, take care and speak to you soon! you will see her chin dropping!!! I am 100% sure about that! she thinks now you will just sit and wait for her when she decides on her terms and you will come back running like a puppy! BUT NO!!! YOU ARE an attractive young guy, succesful with his career and you can have other girls.. She doesn't want to tell her family! well, when I broke up with my ex everyone was like "what a shame, how could you do this to him, he was so great for you..and so on! Well, I can tell you that's the last thing I wanted to hear at that time!!! So she is probably avoiding that so she doesn't have to feel guilty! Exactly she knows everyone will question her about it and it's not what she wants!! But if I were you, I would not go to her house like to your "home"! This girl broke up with you!! She is not your girl anymore! So forget that she can give you "home feelings"! And it's nice her family loves you so much but you are not in love with her family! You have your own family so give love to them and to yourself!! If I were you, I would not go to visit her at all! She is just trying to make things comfortable for herself with her family so she doesn't have to face all the questions.. Well that tells me that she thinks of her first now instead of you!! how would you feel going to visit her pretending in front of her family you are together but you are actually not? I would feel so humiliated by that! Don't do this to yourself!!! Please! Open your eyes please!! It doesn't mean that she is not telling her family that gives you a hope she will be back!! I wouldn't think like that at all! Protect your heart and love yourself! Your parents gave you life and we are here on this earth only once so please be happy and don't give your heart, love and life to someone who doesn't want it or doesn't appreciate it or doesn't treat it well!!! She must work really hard to get you back! She broke your heart! Why would you want to call someone who broke your heart! it's like a friend.. A friend will lie to you or talk about you behind your back.. it hurst doesn't it especially when we trust them! Would you call him and try to be his friend? I don't think so! you must respect yorself!!! Please don't worry! If you need to vent here every day until you feel better and stronger I will help you! I have been there and I had to face it all so I know what it feels like! So don't worry if you need my help! I don't mind helping you!! Miss romantic
Author Scooby6 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Wow... wat can I say ... you've done it again 'miss romantic'. Your words are really helpful ... becos they honest. I love that YOU have been THAT GIRL so your insight is quite acurate. Thank you for taking the time to help me ... I REALLY APPRECIATE IT! I will take your advice on not calling her ... or any other means of contact. I wanted to go down this weekend (easter) but I know now that this will only give her more power! 'miss romantic' you are sooooooo right about giving her that power n doing EVERYTHING for her that finally gave her this power. It does seem to me that she will always have the mind set that I will wait for her. I need to do as you say ... NO CONTACT! Thanks again 'miss romantic' ... your honest words have made me realise more ... n more ... n more. THANK YOU!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Listen to Missromantic! She definately has feelings for you, and you are right that she would just rather her family assumed that you two were still together. I'm not sure that as you implied, it logically follows that her meetings with you would just be "using you" for her family's benefit, but that could be a factor, and she clearly wants to keep you on a string while she does what she wants. Do not let that happen. Still, I think she does really like you, but as I said before, wants her freedom. I'm sure that dinner at her parent's house, and probably a hook-up with you, would be a regular part of your visits, if you chose to do that, but remember, the special part of your relationship, is what she has taken away. The other, you can get anywhere, even in the city in which you work. The question for you to answer for yourself is whether continuing to see her is something you can deal with and that is good for you, knowing that she is going out with, and pursuing relationships with, other men while you are not around, with all that such relationships would involve. I think you know in your heart that it is NOT something that would be good for you, and that you should not do it. It sounds to me like what she is offering you is kind of like a very cooled off version of what you had with her, only in an open relationship, to give her freedom to explore. I know that would be very hard on you, as it would be on any person who is so in love with someone, which is why you should think carefully before doing that. And yes, regardless of what she has been doing the prior 90 days, and would be doing for the 90 days after you left, I KNOW you would want to spend time with her - but again, feeling that closeness with her, knowing what is really going on when you are not there, would not be good for you! You must not wait for her, and you do need to go out with other women, just like missromantic says. You need to be out, among people (yes, including attractive women), who you can spend time with, and realize that life without her is a real possibility - and not just a possibilty, but that if it comes to that, it could even be good. MAKE time to go out on the weekends, even if you are tired. Strike up new relationships with other women. You can do it! I know your heart will not be in it, at least at first, but you need to spend some quality time with some female company that is NOT her (yes, including a nice hook-up if it is what you and the new girl both want). Have some fun! Nothing heals a broken heart, like time, love and tenderness, just like the song says (and believe me, time is NOT the most effective ingredient in that formula). Be strong, and don't send her any more signals that you will always be there. If you don't want to do complete no contact, that's up to you, but this idea of some kind of open relationship with her as she seems to be suggesting, where you see her every 60 days as always, visit her family, sleep with her, whatever, knowing she is going to do whatever she wants while you are gone really is NOT a good idea. It just makes you a chump. Don't wait for her like some lovesick puppy dog, while she goes out with every hot guy on the planet and does God knows what. Be true to yourself, and take back your life (and as much of your heart as you can along with it - you will never get 100% of your heart back, so don't even try, but go for 50%, then 55%, then 60%, and go from there). Moving on, and seeing new people is the ONLY way to make yourself feel ANY better in the near term, so go for it. And if I were you, and if you want to have ANY chance of getting her back (if that is what you really want), then some kind of open relationship with her may not be in your best interests. She needs to miss you. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. You have nothing to lose by seeing other women. Even if she knows you are seeing others, she knows that she is doing that too, and if at some point in the future, she decides that you are really who she wants and that she cannot live without you, if she is a decent person, she will not hold that against you.
Author Scooby6 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Thanks 'withorwithoutyou'. Your words are as true as ever. As even 'miss romantics' words ... they do hurt ... like they say THE TRUTH HURTS. Ok so I try to move on... I look at/for other girls. I IGNORE me ex. I basically keep myself busy n stuff... ok got it ... Hmmmm THATS HARD! I planned to 'go down' this weekend. See all the other ppl that love me n just keep it cool with her. Do you think this is jus torturing me more? Maybe I sould just stay here... its so sad here. I'll try. Ohh 'miss romantic' n 'withorwithoutyou' ... she said that she just wants to be alone. She doesn't want to have anyone else... she just wants to be free from a relationship ... and wen she wants a relationship ... then she will want someone like me ... and if I am still around and want her then she will want to be with me. What does this all mean? THANKS AGAIN GUYS!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I think you should stay where you are this weekend. It is true that being around friends and family sometimes helps, but being near her, and seeing all the places you spent so much time with her, would only be more sad. Besides, if you go down this weekend, it is 90% that your ex-GF (get used to calling her that) will "accidentally" run into you, just to test the waters to make sure you are waiting for her, and will probably even make it memorable to help assure that you do. You are not strong enough to see her yet, and if you were to run into her, "going down" this weekend would just be really, really bad! Remember what I said about not letting her have her cake and eat it too. She MUST miss you. Besides, getting close to her at this point would just be way too hard on you. At least right now your memories of the good times are a few months old. Oh, and all that stuff she said about not wanting anyone else, and just wanting to not be in any relationship whatsoever right now, that's bull$ship. It's true that she probably is not looking for another long-term relationship right now, and it may (or may not) also be true that she does not have anyone else right now, but she wants to explore - just like last time - and that will eventually include dates, and yes more, with other guys. She doesn't plan to "be true" to you! Think about it. She enjoys your company, you have a good time together, and the ONLY restriction that being with you puts on her life (since you are never there), is that she can't see other guys. That is what she wants to change, and don't fool yourself about that. Just don't think about her with other guys too much, since it only hurts you, except when you get the urge to call and beg, and then think about that a LOT. Trust me, it does wonders with helping you to avoid making that call. I do know how bad you are feeling right now, and how sad, but it will get better, gradually, and nothing helps more than meeting new people, and other women. Instead of going home to pine after your lost love this weekend, go out!
Missromantic Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Hi Scooby, how are you doing? You haven't dialed her numbers have you??!! Just a question! Where does your family live? Do you live in the same place as your ex-girlfriend? Why don't you go and visit your family and your friends? I think you need people around you who love you! Don't go and see her! That's for sure!!! As withorwithout you said you are not emotionally strong enough to just act with her cool! She is right! Your ex-girlfriend MUST NOT see you emotionally hurt and week. It may not makes sense because I am sure in a way you think like me but she should see me how much she has hurt me and how much I want her back! Well, unfortunately life is unfair sometimes! As I explained to you she needs to see you moving on, strong, happy and proud for her to question her decision! But you are not in this moment emotionally strong enough to be cool, proud and strong! Even if you think you could manage! From my own experience it WILL NOT happen! You are suffering and hurting at the moment! We cannot force our true feelings and it's not good for you to push away your true feelings. You need to grief and you need to feel sad. It's a natural process of healing and you will gradually become better and stronger and ready for a new relationship! But don't jump into a new relationship any time soon! It's not going to solve anything! Chat other girls up and look after your ego and look after yourself so you feel good about yourself and you become stronger again! That's why I suggested to you to join some sport societies and clubs and that way you can meet new people and socialize! A new environment will help you to slowly take away your focus off your ex-girlfriend! What about your colleagues? Can't you go out with some of them? You really must make the efforts meeting new people! I know you work but maybe you could sign up for an evening course like once or twice a week.. As I said to you you must not be there so your ex-girlfriend will have the space and time to miss you! If you appear again this weekend she will not be wondering oh, where is he? I thought he was coming down? You say that you will just stay at your place! Well, if you do not have the possibility to go and see your family then I would recommend for you to stay! It's sad! I know! I can understand because I live abroad without my family and friends.. so I know what it is like to be on your own a lot.. BUT it is better to stay there and feel sad then going to see your ex-girlfriend and get hurt even more!!!!! You need to protect yourself! The place you are living in now! Is it a city or a small town? Why don't you go for a hike if it's a countryside I mean! A fresh air will help you!!! It helps me! Observing nature will help you to look at things from a different prospective! If you are in a big city, there must be lots of opportunities! Try to watch a funny movie!! Somethig that will make you laugh!! OK what she said about her wanting to be alone and not in a relationship! This one is quite hard to answer because my ex-boyfriend told me the same and I don't know whether to believe it or not! Maybe she wants to be alone and not in a serious relationship now but she is single! Remember she let you go! She wanted to be free! She is open to new relationships whether they are just flings or serious ones! I know that you are still wondering whether she could come back as she said to you that it would be with you! I would not take this sentence too seriously and with too much of a hope! She knows you love her so much and she knows you care for her so much so she probably believes that you would be prepared to wait for her as long as it takes! Are you really prepared to wait for her even if it takes a years until she is ready to settle down? I am sure now you are thinking yes I am! We cannot say what is going to happen! Life is so unpredictable and full of surprises! I know that her sentence is giving you a hope that she would pick you! If it happens, I will be happy for you of course! BUT it is better not to believe it and not to hope and move on than wait and hope and be disappointed if she doesn't pick you! You know she is too young to know now and she choses to be single again! Even if she comes back to you now or tomorrow, she will probably have the same doubts 4 moths later.. I think the two people must be sure completely both of them that they are ready and they want the same commitment. I think it's better that she comes back with some experience and past than now with only one boyfriend in her past....So if I were you, I would stop hoping! It's the hardest thing to do! I would not read into her senteces too much thinking but she said that maybe.... The bottom line is she ended the relationship with you. This is what you have to have in your mind! You know I am trying to find the same strength inside me! I was walking down the street yesterday and I suddenly felt this power - I was thinking to myself: I am proud of what I have achieved in my life! I am single again! I will do now what I want to do! It doesn't mean I will look for another relationship! No! I want to spoil myself! I want to take care of myself! I even said to myself "i am sorry I neglected you for someone else", I am going to start a new job in a couple of weeks and it's a big change for me! I said to myself that I am proud of myself! I was trying really hard to move on and to accept the fact I am single again! Of course I go through waves and yesterday evening I felt sad again wondering whether my ex-boyfriend will send me an email or whether he will come here this weekend and will change his mind... But I know I have to stop myself thinking this! I have to be strong! So you must do the same! It's hard I know but it will get better each day! It'll be slow but it'll be better! Trust me! Just try to even talk to yourself and try to look at the positive in your life! What have you achieved.. how good you were to others.. and you will suddenly feel power inside yourself! I guess it's a learning process for me too because I became too dependant and needy in my relationship! I think that's why my ex-boyfriend left me or at least it was one of the reasons.. He kept saying to me that I rely on him too much and I should love him less.. You see I was living for him! STOP hoping and start to concentrate on yourself! If she comes back one day, it will be a surprise! But now it's really important for you to stop thinking about what she said and what she does.. Concentrate on your life now! Now you have a relationship with yourself! Not with her anymore! Now it's time to give the love to yourself because you neglected yourself! If you need more help I am here!! Keep going and do not give up!!! We will make it!!! Miss romantic
Author Scooby6 Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Hey guys. You know these replies from you have been a great help to me. It keeps me strong ... even tho it has only been 3 days so far! 'Miss Romantic' how do you do it !?! I too feel very proud of myself wen I take the time to sit down n pat myself on the back and totally down at other times. FUNNY STORY! : One of the instructors from the gym was also sad on Monday. I asked him wat was wrong and he said that he was just tired. I could see on his face that it was more than that. I said ... 'Hey at least I can be here on this treadmill smiling after my gf told me that she needed space!' He just smiled ... then laughed ... then said ... 'THATS THE SAME THING MINES DID!' ... so we had a good laugh ... I shared your advice with him and he found some stregnth in it ... he also agreed that it was HARD (wats new? ) ... He's 24 and his chick is 19 or so. Later he asked me for a lift to a shopping centre which was on my way so I gave him a lift. We talked some more. He asked if I wanted to get something to eat. We went to a restaurant which I told him that I will pay for (trying to cheer the poor guy up ). Later after a while of talking, he showed me an sms (cellphone text) in which a girl was inviting him to her 21st party. He asked if I wanted to come. I just didn't feel like it... but before u guys swear me ... today I said we will go! So the party is on Friday ... today is Tuesday ... Well I guess this means I saved myself from going 'down' this weekend and seeing her. You guys ... I just don't feel comfortable talking to other girls ... I know its fair and all ... but I just feel bad. I don't know ... I just think I love her toooo much! I should be able to get over it and talk to them ... I know its just a mindset! INFO FOR 'Miss Romantic': 1. I live now in Johannesburg ... it is a city in South Africa... The biggest I think. 2. We (me and her) come from a small town 700km from here ... beautiful nature n stuff ... STUNNING! 3. We are now 700km apart. 4. I am not close to my family back home ... Her family is my family ... REALLY ... most love me like a son/brother etc. 5. I have no family here that I am close to. 6. I don't have many friends here because of my work. Guys ... I am taking steps as u can see to turn my life around ... I have put tooo much dependency on 1 person. Its not her fault I guess. We used to talk about marriage and stuff before and how we were going to be wen we married n stuff ... so like a dumb fool I gambled EVERYTHING on that... a fool I know .... but the damage is done ... lets try and correct it. Guys I think she does love me and she is confused ... but I realise that this road she is going to walk on is a one way road ... cos hey ... the world isn't perfect. I also would like to say that you guys have really helped me so far ... and I find myself constantly checking my mail (have DSL) to see if u guys have responded. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT ... I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. You guys should rest in the satisfaction that you have tried to help at least one human being to be a better more happier person. Write soon ... PS. I try to send 'privates' to you guys but this site doesn't allow me ... do you'll have it turned off in your profile?. THANKS AGAIN!
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