ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I'm coping with losing my family, the mother of my child. We met 4 years ago, but broke up after about 18 months, not even a year after our child was born. We've been off and on for the past two years. I've always loved her and she would flirt with me all the time, joking and asking me when we are going to have another kid. This past summer I let me intentions known, that I loved her and wanted Our family back together. I didn't know She had just been introduced to a new guy by one of her friends and they had gone on a group date. She said she was confused about me, and went on a date with the guy to see if that made her feel any differently. We would still do things as a family and have fun, but she was genuinely sick when we had a scheduled date just the two of us. After a couple more months of being confused she wanted me to spend a week living her to see how things went. Things were good at first but eventually I felt her pull away and she ended it early. I got to live my dream for almost a week and it was taken away. This ended in September. She is now dating the new guy full time. I have shared custody of my kid 50% of the week, so I still see my ex a couple times a week. We used to talk about our kid 5 days a week but in trying to institute no contact as much as possible I have cut that down to twice a week. She has cried to me several times that she is heart broken over losing her best friend and that I don't care about her life anymore, or her life with our daughter. I've paid more than double child support to try and help her and take care of her but it's not my job anymore. We can't talk about our kid because she is the one who brings up all the drama and thinks I'm withdrawing out of spite for her moving on with someone else. I still want her back, she wants to be friends and still be the dependable person Ive always been but I can't do that with my feelings. I don't ever bring up our relationship because I know that won't do any good but she always brings up my no contact and how it hurts her. Things have gone from bad to worse and we have to be able to salvage a workable relationship for our kid. I'm trying to be as concise as possible, there's obviously a lot more details but it is hard to distill it all down into a readable post. We've tried to reconcile before and it didn't work, but I can't move on. This is also the first time either of us is dating someone new so we are facing those challenges as well. How do I let go of my hopes for reconciliation to save our coparenting relationship?
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Get some counseling to work out the co-parenting arrangements. She has made it clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. You have to find a way to be civil for your child's sake but the reality is that you won't be one big happy family. Sorry.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Thanks for the reply. She doesn't believe in counseling because of previous experiences but I have seen a family counselor to receive guidance on how to coparent effectively. I do try to be civil but our conversations deteriorate when she starts yelling and saying how heart broken she is because I told her we can't be friends right now. I told her we can only talk about our child and she breaks down crying about how heart broken she is because I was her best friend and the most dependable person in her life. I'm just trying to set boundaries so I can heal too.
laddie Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm in a similar situation. Think the best thing to do is be business like when dealing with the ex. Don't get involved in any drama she'll create. The moment you do that be prepared for her to try and become friendly again. I think that's a way to see if you'll let your guard down and show her you still have feelings for her. Don't let her string you along and prevent yourself from healing. That's what happened to me recently. It will just set you back again.
BrokenShades Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Hey Three Years I agree with laddie. It's best to set appropriate boundaries and move on with your own healing; even if that is uncomfortable for your ex. One of the thing that I have learned in life is that age isn't necessarily a good predictor of maturity. Adults can be among some of the most immature individuals. It sounds like your ex is being selfish. While she may have many wonderful qualities and attributes, it sounds like she stumbled along the way in the emotional maturity department. Validating her emotional needs and taking care of her emotional health isn't your job anymore. Do what is best for your own healing and growth, and continue to set appropriate and healthy boundaries. The healthier and happier you are, the better dad you'll be for you kid.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Thanks BrokenShades for the reply. It is important that I set boundaries but those are just creating friction. She is trying to demonize me and make me the bad guy, probably to assuage her guilt and make her own life easier. I don't think she is as over me as she says she is, and I know I can't move on while I still feel that way. Some of it is bad enough to where I want to assert myself and not be a doormat but that only invites more drama. Also sad because logically I know I'm not responsible for her emotional health, but it still affects me and our child so there is and always will be a link. Just going to patiently find the balance.
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