Dating a recent Divorcee (not a good idea).

[Darth_Matt]

I’ve been dating a recent divorcee for the last 3 months and things WERE great. I really like her (A lot). I want things to work for us. BUT, Its getting to the point I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and starting to feel like I’m wasting my time. I hate that feeling! Like the paranoid BF. Over the past few weeks she’s become more and more distant around me and she’s not showing she wants to be with me at all. She’s not very responsive when I text or call. I do all the leg work.

 

So finally asked her if she’s happy with us. AND, I had to do it over text (that drives me crazy, because I know its the only way I can get her to be honest with me) She responded with "she is very happy but we are moving way too fast". She also said "she’s not ready for a relationship” and "she hopes I understand because she really likes me and still wants to date me". Here’s the kicker….In 3 months I’ve seen her 5 times (she has her kids full time)!! I can’t go any slower then that!! If you like someone, you want to see them more, correct? She also said she understand If I date other girls. I asked why are we dating, what are you hoping from this? He comment stuck with me “I don’t know, were just hanging out” That hurt. My answer would of been; because I like you and want to be with you. I also know when some females say “I’m not ready” they really mean - I’m ready, just not with you. BTW – she’s in her 30s. Both of us are.

 

All that said when things are good they are great. Our dates were some of the best I’ve ever had. She is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Inside and out. Anyway, Its been 2 days and both of us haven’t reached out to each other. Its the first time in 3 months we didn’t contact each other at least once in the day. So I’m thinking I should send her a "I’m hear for you speech", then move on and get over it. Do NC.

 

For the record I’ve dated other girls in the 3 months but she’s the one I want to be with. The heart wants what the heart wants I guess. Dating 101. Never date a person getting over a relationship. especially a marriage.

 

I know the answer; move on!! I'm the rebound guy. I guess I need to hear it from other people, for it to sink in

[PegNosePete]

Yep sorry to say, you're the rebound guy.

[carhill]

IMO, it's really a crap shoot. Sometimes it's a rebound, sometimes it turns into a LTR, sometimes it's a lifetime thing. Each person is different.

 

That said, in general, women with children who get divorced still have substantial contact with their co-parenting ex-spouse so 'moving on' can be a relative term.

 

I've got a similar situation I'm watching right now, with three kids and your age, and I'll see how long it takes her to be fully involved with a new guy. There's a line of guys waiting, no doubt, but no obvious winner yet.

 

IMO, I think you're on the right track, dating other women, and I'd suggest to continue to meet new ladies; one never knows what's around the corner. This one's sweet but the timing seems to be off. That's how it goes sometimes. Since she'll be involved with her kids at the holidays, take this time to leave her to that and socialize with other women. She'll be fine.

[DivorcedDad123]

Kids are a full time job and if she's recently divorced, she has her hands full.

At three months she's right, you're just hanging out.She's not putting any label on it,but just seeing how things go.

What makes her so special that you don't think you can find the same with someone else? Personally, I'd cut my losses and fade into oblivion. If she were very interested she'd contact you and make you one of the priorites in her life.

[Darth_Matt]

DivorcedDad123. That's a good question. I really don't know. She's very kind and sweet and I know when I'm not with her I miss her. Your point about priorities is where I'm at now. I don't feel like one. Not seeing her as much as i like and her kids being a her number one have never been a problem with me. I'm a laid back guy. But, I need to feel I'm at lest important to her. I just don't feel it.

 

We also meet online. Her profile said looking for a relationship. And now she's saying she's not ready for one?!? Not to mention she updated her profile with new photos..so I'm thinking she wants to see what else is out there. And I'm at a point, I don't want to date other girls because my heart is with her and I don't want to share her with other men.

 

Like I said. My brain agrees with you all but the heart wants what the heart wants....ugh!!! LOL

Edited December 2, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[Michelle ma Belle]

I’ve been dating a recent divorcee for the last 3 months and things WERE great. I really like her (A lot). I want things to work for us. BUT, Its getting to the point I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and starting to feel like I’m wasting my time. I hate that feeling! Like the paranoid BF. Over the past few weeks she’s become more and more distant around me and she’s not showing she wants to be with me at all. She’s not very responsive when I text or call. I do all the leg work.

 

So finally asked her if she’s happy with us. AND, I had to do it over text (that drives me crazy, because I know its the only way I can get her to be honest with me) She responded with "she is very happy but we are moving way too fast". She also said "she’s not ready for a relationship” and "she hopes I understand because she really likes me and still wants to date me". Here’s the kicker….In 3 months I’ve seen her 5 times (she has her kids full time)!! I can’t go any slower then that!! If you like someone, you want to see them more, correct? She also said she understand If I date other girls. I asked why are we dating, what are you hoping from this? He comment stuck with me “I don’t know, were just hanging out” That hurt. My answer would of been; because I like you and want to be with you. I also know when some females say “I’m not ready” they really mean - I’m ready, just not with you. BTW – she’s in her 30s. Both of us are.

 

All that said when things are good they are great. Our dates were some of the best I’ve ever had. She is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Inside and out. Anyway, Its been 2 days and both of us haven’t reached out to each other. Its the first time in 3 months we didn’t contact each other at least once in the day. So I’m thinking I should send her a "I’m hear for you speech", then move on and get over it. Do NC.

 

For the record I’ve dated other girls in the 3 months but she’s the one I want to be with. The heart wants what the heart wants I guess. Dating 101. Never date a person getting over a relationship. especially a marriage.

I know the answer; move on!! I'm the rebound guy. I guess I need to hear it from other people, for it to sink in

 

I'm sorry but this is a blanket statement that is not only very unfair but just straight up wrong.

 

How many threads have we read on here about single men and women being just as wishy washy about relationships or pining for old flames? Countless!

 

To say that no one should EVER get involved with divorcees specifically is ignorant at best.

 

Please don't be that guy.

 

She was straight with you. Just because you didn't like her answer doesn't mean it has anything to do with her divorce per se.

 

Have you bothered to consider that maybe she's just not that into you after all

[preraph]

She's really just too busy to date someone with more time on their hands than she has. Full-time kids -- hell, my friend, I only see her once every 3 months, and it's a big production for her to make time even that often. And she lives very nearby, too. I don't think it's even about the recent divorce. Kids are a bigger factor than divorce. She's not looking to move you in or anything so if that's what you're working toward, she's not ready to get in another relationship. She's probably up to here with doing everything herself AND having to compromise on top of that and ready to do things her way with no one to answer to.

[Jules Dash]

Back off. The worst thing you can do is continue to push right now. Continue dating other women and ignore what your heart wants and do what is good for you.

 

She told you straight up what you two were about. I wouldn't twist it into something that appears favorable to you. I know you had great dates but great dates often do not translate into relationships.

[Frank2thepoint]

I know the answer; move on!! I'm the rebound guy. I guess I need to hear it from other people, for it to sink in

 

You may not be the rebound guy. She is really busy with her kids, and probably piecing together her life after a divorce. She is emotionally not ready to be in another relationship so soon. She has been clear with you that she doesn't want a relationship, so you can't do anything to change that. Move on.

[Darth_Matt]

Thanks everyone.

 

Again the amount of time together and her kids are not the issue with me. I just need to feel she still interested in me. I bring up divorce because she brings it up a lot. Not me. Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Like a bitter guy. Not that way at all. I was not referring to never date or blaming this on her divorce. I've been divorced. I know the feeling. It was one of the things we had in common and we spoke about together. But I believe a heart needs time to get over that pain before one can move on. That was the intention of that statement. "Never date a person getting over a relationship. especially a marriage"

 

Getting my words out is not as easy. There are a lot if things I have not mentioned, because I don't want to write a book. Like the fact she's bitter towards her ex. And I've meet him, he's a good guy and only wants the best for her. And yes, I do believe she doesn’t like me as much. But then say so. Don’t tell me you like me and want to still date me then not mean it. Why do that? She also canceled date on me (3rd date) because she said she was having a nervous attack about dating again. That makes me believe she’s not over her the divorce. See my point? I’m only going by what she is telling me and showing me. My belief is, she is going threw the emotions of her divorce coming to an end. I know that feeling all to well. Up and down….I’ve been there.

 

All that being said. I'll send her a kind text to let her know I'm here for her and I hope she has a great holiday.

 

Everyone thanks for the messages. It means a lot. I needed to hear this. I'm at a point in my life I've been over that feeling of divorce and I want someone who gets excited over me. Not nervous attacks.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[Poppygoodwill]

Your last line is the most important thing you've said, because it's about YOU and what you want, rather than her and whatever is goign on for her.

 

to her credit, she's been pretty loud and clear with you. You just need to be willing to hear what she's saying.

 

Go find yourself someone who is excited about being with you. I'm sure there are gals out there who fit that bill.

[Darth_Matt]

 

to her credit, she's been pretty loud and clear with you. You just need to be willing to hear what she's saying.

 

Go find yourself someone who is excited about being with you. I'm sure there are gals out there who fit that bill.

 

Thanks. I agree I need to think of whats best for me. As for your other comment; "she's been pretty loud and clear with you. You just need to be willing to hear what she's saying."

 

I don't know what she's saying! That's why I'm here..lol. She says she likes me,then she ignores me when I call. She tells me she wants date me, then tells me she's not ready. She tells me she has nervous attacks about dating again. And yet she's a member of a dating site.

[Leroy82]

I was in a similar boat last year. And stayed in it because she said all the things you just said. It was a mistake on my part. I felt like I was chasing after someone who didn't want to be chased after. But I liked her so much I ignored all the red-flags. I didn't notice this blog until after the fact Good for you for coming here on how to handle this!!

 

It sucks, because I known you like her. She doesn't sound happy to me. When you date someone you like, that person makes you happy. And you get that happy vibe from them. To me she's not happy with you, but likes keeping you around because its comfortable to have someone. But deep down inside she's just not into you. Or she's just not ready yet, either way, its not good. Sorry, Dude!!

Edited December 2, 2014 by Leroy82

[Darth_Matt]

Yup. That's hurts. Liking someone who doesn't like you back. Or the same way you want them.

 

I sent her a text with nice words. I told her I've grown to care about her.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[kane30us]

Dating doesn't have to be this hard. If two people really like each other then it works. But, all it takes is one person to start having doubts. Then it falls apart.

 

When people go through a divorce there are a lot of emotions that go with it. One minute you feel great and you're ready to take on the world (again), then next thing you're crying for no reason. Nothing like a break up. This is marriage. From reading your comments, she sounds like she's a little confused right now. And that is natural. But dating you doesn't help her. Sorry, to say that. I think its best for you to say your peace and move on. I think letting her know she's important was nice. Let her contact you when she's ready. Stick with NC.

Edited December 2, 2014 by kane30us

[sm2281]

I disagree with it going way to fast. It might be a rebound, but if she says she likes you, date her. Take it slow.

 

I am a divorcee. I am dating now, it has been 4 years. But I have been dating around for a while now. But, soon after my seperation I jumped into things that got me into trouble because the ex wasnt over it yet. And, if children are involved maybe she needs the time to see if you are a suitable person to meet her children. They are a very important factor.

 

I had a few minor relationships and daated around at first, not too seriously to test the waters. BUT now that I am with someone I actually like and want to keep around, I am taking it very slowly.

 

We didn't have sex right off the bat, we didn't date in the normal sense. We just "were" and then we made it official.

 

I was very nervous after my divorce, it's alot to take in, but you have to move on. So you date.

 

Even if you are a rebound, I am sure she is taking care for one reason or another.

 

If she wanted to just have fun, I am also sure she would just tell you. Parents dont really have time to games and pretty much let you know whats going on right off the bat and lay it on the line. At least that's how I am. I lay it all on the line and say exactly what I mean, no more, no less. No assumptions, no expectations.

 

Good luck

[Darth_Matt]

@sm2281 thanks for the comment. Its nice to hear a women's perspective. Especially one who's had a divorce. How long did it take you to know "you were ready"? We were dating when she was separated and going through the process.

 

Again, I feel I'm repeating myself. I have no problems with going slow or waiting to see her when she's available for fun. I've never asked for us to be in a serious relationship nor have I ever pressured her into seeing me more. But, I need to feel we are on the same page. A simple - hello, good morning can go a long way with me.

 

"Even if you are a rebound, I am sure she is taking care for one reason or another ." I'm sorry, what are you trying to say? You lost me on that comment.

 

"If she wanted to just have fun, I am also sure she would just tell you." Not sure this is true. I think you're comparing your personality and your situation to other girls.

 

I know it sounds like I'm talking myself out of it. But, I'm not. I'm just telling you what its been like dating her. Using the site to vent!! And for some reason I'm crazy about her. But I know red flags when I seen them. I'm willing to take it slow. But, I don't want to invest all this time and feelings only to be dumped.

 

Serious question - How do you date someone who's telling you they are not ready, dating gives them panic attacks and yet they are active on a dating site, lets go slow, when are going slow? 5 dates in 3 months is very slow!! And I've never complained to her about that. Everything has been at her pace. Serious, how to you date someone who just said that to you?

Edited December 2, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[carhill]

How do you date someone who's telling you they are not ready, dating gives them panic attacks and yet they are active on a dating site, lets go slow, when are going slow? 5 dates in 3 months is very slow!! And I've never complained to her about that. Everything has been at her pace. Serious, how to you date someone who just said that to you?

 

I wouldn't, without prejudice, and would write it off to unlucky timing, also respecting the reality the one can never read the mind of another and her real thoughts and reasons are unknown.

 

If I had to put on my cynical old fart hat, I'd opine she's attention grabbing and you're part of her platoon of attention providers.

[Leroy82]

 

Serious question - How do you date someone who's telling you they are not ready, dating gives them panic attacks and yet they are active on a dating site, lets go slow, when are going slow? 5 dates in 3 months is very slow!! And I've never complained to her about that. Everything has been at her pace. Serious, how to you date someone who just said that to you?

 

Like I said.. I know what you're going through. My personal experience when this happened to me. I did everyone thing she asked. Took it slow, I was there for her, etc, etc, But I felt like I lost my self respect along the way (and I think she lost a lot of respect for me, also). Dating someone who didn't want me like I did with her and who was "not ready". I was waiting for her to come around and see what a great guy I was. It never happened. Now, it may for you. Thats up to you to decide.

 

I look back at how I should of been investing my energy and time on people that brought out the best in me. Instead I was trying to make her happy. I'm friends with people that know her. And they tell me she's still single and not over her marriage ending. So it takes time. Much longer for some.

 

I would let her go. Just tell how you feel. If she feels the same, she'll contact you. If not, then learn from it and move on. And when you meet someone that can give you what you want, then, you'll love her even more.

 

That's my two cents!!

Edited December 2, 2014 by Leroy82

[Leroy82]

I also think you are trying to talk yourself out of this. Or at least soften the guilt you may have by having us tell you to move on. But, I don't blame you. I wish I would of listened to my friends. They all told me to run! I ignored them because it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

 

You asked - why join a dating site when you're not ready for a relationship? She testing the waters. Like the comment above just said. She's getting out there again. Or, she looking for "Fun". Or, she's hoping to find the one guy that gives her that spark again. That guy that when she thinks of relationships she doesn't have panic attacks. For example, you with her...

 

Sorry to say, none of these look good for you. My guess is you're not her "spark". If you were she would want to be with you more.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Leroy82

[sm2281]

@sm2281 thanks for the comment. Its nice to hear a women's perspective. Especially one who's had a divorce. How long did it take you to know "you were ready"? We were dating when she was separated and going through the process.

 

Again, I feel I'm repeating myself. I have no problems with going slow or waiting to see her when she's available for fun. I've never asked for us to be in a serious relationship nor have I ever pressured her into seeing me more. But, I need to feel we are on the same page. A simple - hello, good morning can go a long way with me.

 

"Even if you are a rebound, I am sure she is taking care for one reason or another ." I'm sorry, what are you trying to say? You lost me on that comment.

 

 

i am meaning to say that she is taking care of her heart, maybe taking caution for her children. If she is on the immature side, be careful, but if you see that she is a mature adult in every other sense, I would assume that she is keeping distance for some reason. If she seems immature, she is probably not ready, and just having fun but too afraid to let you know that.

 

 

 

 

"If she wanted to just have fun, I am also sure she would just tell you." Not sure this is true. I think you're comparing your personality and your situation to other girls.

 

That could be true as well, I am quite empathetic and try to put myself in others shoes.

 

 

I know it sounds like I'm talking myself out of it. But, I'm not. I'm just telling you what its been like dating her. Using the site to vent!! And for some reason I'm crazy about her. But I know red flags when I seen them. I'm willing to take it slow. But, I don't want to invest all this time and feelings only to be dumped.

 

Serious question - How do you date someone who's telling you they are not ready, dating gives them panic attacks and yet they are active on a dating site, lets go slow, when are going slow? 5 dates in 3 months is very slow!! And I've never complained to her about that. Everything has been at her pace. Serious, how to you date someone who just said that to you?

 

 

 

4 dates is very slow. She is probably also on a tight budget so pleased remember that as well. Single parenting with 4 children is a hard thing to do. I am doing it with just 1 and it proves difficult all the time. Have you met her children? Have the dates been outings without the children? Its pretty hard to come up with baby sitting money and drinking money. . .so that might be a factor. If you have not met the children, and would like to hang out with her more, maybe you could suggest movie night date after bed time. I do that with my current all the time.

 

 

It is very slow. . . .if you are ready to call it quits or move foreward - ask her what her plans are (if any) with you. The old "what are your intentions" talk.

 

It is good to get that out of the way sometimes, before anyone gets too attached or gets hurt.

 

 

Panicking and telling you she is not ready for a relationship IS a big sign. I wouldn't date or even try to continue with someone who actually said that. If that is the case, and you are crazy about her and want to stay with her, you are going to have to wait for her to get ready, or you are going to have to tell her you wont wait, but if you are still available when she is ready, maybe it can work then.

 

 

 

When was I ready after my divorce? I started dating someone right away after the divorce. I got out of that quickly because I realized I wasnt ready even though I wanted to be.

 

I had another minorly serious relationship that ended quickly after 2 years(of seperation). The relationship was 6 months and he moved in.

 

Before that, I went on several dates (also after getting set up in a new state as a single mother), and decided I couldn't date traditionally because of the situation I was in. My divorce wasn't finalized yet, I had my son, alot of financial trouble, and also new to the state. So it was difficult.

 

I was single for a total of 2 years between up and down times of dating intermittently and the minorly serious relationships.

 

I knew I was ready, when I could hand my heart to someone and not be afraid anymore. And then I met my SO I have now, and even though we have issues, I love him and I am very glad to have him in my life. He helps me get a little better every day, and helps me remember who I am.

 

 

 

 

 

another thing. . .after re reading. If she is freshly divorced and you have been dating for the duration of the divorce and seperation, maybe she is still testing the waters. My marriage was 10 years, but way over before I even seperated. I was ready in alot of ways but decided I needed to work on myself and dated intermittently.

 

I did need to test the waters. If she was married for a long period of time, when you jump back into the dating scene, no matter how confident you are, you have to see what is out there, and get a sense of who you want to be with. You know exactly what you DONT want in a man, but you have no clue what you do. And if the case is that you are crazy about her, and she is active on dating sites, then she is not as serious about you. Actions speak louder than words, and she is still looking around or testing the waters.

 

That also means, that you can date and see other people if she is. But be clear with her before you do that, about exactly what is going on. Hence the intentions talk. You date around too - you don't have to be monogamous if you are not in a serious relationship with her. But ask her first where it's going or even what it is.

 

I wanted to date this guy once and we were hot and heavy for 3 weeks before I ever even asked what was going on. He sat on my couch and said we'll we are just doing things and stuff, he said "but I really like this getting to know you phase." We almost had sex one night too! And I was under the assumption that we were dating, or going to date. Then, I ask what we were doing and he said all that - and I was like we'll are we dating? He said no. Then I said well are you going to date me? he says no. And I kindly walk him to the door.

That was because my idea of what "dating" meant was very different from what his was. So get on the same page and go from there. If she is still dating around having fun - testing out those waters - so should you.

 

I really hope this helps. I understand who I am and what "baggage" I have, and I can see that it is difficult sometimes for my SO now. We love eachother, but it's give and take.. Like tonight I was frustrated with my sons behavior all day and we had a dinner date. And while I could see we both needed bedroom time -- I was too stressed and frustrated to think about it. I see how it affects the other side, and I am glad to have someone willing to deal with that aspect of it.

Edited December 3, 2014 by sm2281
additons

[Darth_Matt]

@sm2281. Thanks it does help. And everyone has helped. Thank you all!! I did send her a nice message yesterday afternoon to say happy holiday and I'm here for her. She still has not responded.

 

We've had the "talks". As you just asked about. We've only had 5 dates but we've been talking for over 3 months. We've had lots of long phone conversations. The problems is, she's so up and down. One day she's saying very nice things then the next day she saying we should be friends. Its because she's confused. She's not sure of her feelings yet. Its very common for someone to be like that after a divorce. She was married for 7 years. He cheated on her and treated her kind of bad. So it ended.

 

I think its best for me to move on. Like I said; I've been divorced. I know the feelings. I can relate to those panic attacks. The unsure feelings...The feelings of "I'm not ready for this". That's why I know its best for me AND HER to move on. She's never going to grow with me chasing after her. And I'll just end up hurting myself more. I am sensitive to the situation. I also know she's not over her ex. And the fact he's moved on and is already living with a girl. Most of her FB photos are of her and her ex together. Another Red-Flag I ignored Like I said she's very bitter towards him. A common sign when you still have strong feelings.

 

I'll take all this as a learning experience. Next is the NC stage. Blocking her FB and so on and so on...Its not going to be easy. She is a very pretty girl. She's the first girl sense my divorce that I felt connected to. 4 years ago for me.

 

I'm in a point in my life, I'm ready. I'm not dating just to date or "test the waters". I want to date for a meaningful relationship. I want to date someone who feels the same and is emotionally ready. I want someone to bring out the best in me and vice versa (I know that sounds cheesy, I'm a hopeless romantic) Going slow isn't the problem for me, but when I hear the words panic attacks and I'm not ready for this...that's not a good thing to hear when you're dating. Again, I know that feeling....Am I wrong for that? Because part of me feels guilty over this. Like I'm the bad guy.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[Leroy82]

I'm in a point in my life, I'm ready. I'm not dating just to date or "test the waters". I want to date for a meaningful relationship. I want to date someone who feels the same and is emotionally ready. I want someone to bring out the best in me and vice versa (I know that sounds cheesy, I'm a hopeless romantic) Going slow isn't the problem for me, but when I hear the words panic attacks and I'm not ready for this...that's not a good thing to hear when you're dating. Again, I know that feeling....Am I wrong for that? Because part of me feels guilty over this. Like I'm the bad guy.

 

My opinion. No! Nothing wrong with looking our for yourself and your own happiness. The fact you're here and you said she's starting to make you uncomfortable and she can't give you what you want, says a lot about what's going on with you. If you were happy with her you would not be on this site

 

Like the other comment said. The timing is off (sorry). Maybe when she's better and ready she'll reach out to you. No one knows the future. You said your peace. The fact she's not responded to that, also says a lot. You feel guilty because you really like her. If you didn't feel that way, it would say you're not a caring person. But you are. Its time to put your needs first and find someone who WILL make you happy. From reading what she's going through, she's not going to make you happy. Because she's not even happy with herself right now. And I understand why. Its painful getting over a divorce. But its time you look out for you!!

Edited December 3, 2014 by Leroy82

[Emilia]

The fact that she pulls back so much and that you can only communicate with her effectively via text say it all. My guess is that it's likely the divorce isn't the cause of her issues, more the result. I've seen this kind of thing in people that generally struggled with esteem and intimacy issues.

 

I'd say most likely this woman wouldn't make a good partner under any circumstance.

[sm2281]

I agree with the responses above.

 

If you care for her, keep in contact. you dont have to exclude her from every day, just take her communication with a grain of salt. You dont have to go no contact. You are 2 single people. She is not ready yet and testing the waters.

 

Be her friend. She probably needs one. If you really care for her.

 

And maybe later, after the divorce blues go away, when she is ready - you never know - it might spark up again later or not. Either way, you will have gained a friend. Also remember, you don't have to be at her beckon call. Boyfriends do things at beckon call. Not friends.

 

If you find it too hard to keep in touch, then maybe you should cut the contact.

That's up to you.

 

Hugs. Good luck. Hope it goes well.