Liquidated Ring

[jm2013]

They say it takes 2-5 years because it's a damn hard road, that's why.

 

For full recovery to happen, both partners need to do individual introspective work and then the couple needs to do couple work to heal, to move, to grow, to forgive, together somehow. Both partners need to commit to it or it's doomed.

 

You can't be half in and half out and expect anything to change. Giving it another year is a good thought, but what will you do differently in that year to make an honest effort to heal and grow with your wife?

 

We don't wake up one day and suddenly all is well - not even for the wayward spouse. It takes time. No one can undo anything, though I'm sure many wayward spouses wished they could. There is no magic wand, there is no rewind button, there is magic pill to ease anyone's pain.

 

It happened. It sucks. It hurts everyone involved. We know it's devastating. It's soul crushing. Now, the question is how can you move forward, so that if it ends, you know you did everything you could do to try to heal and save your marriage? Obviously that is your goal or you still wouldn't be there with her.

 

Are you in marriage counseling together?

 

We are still in marriage counseling. I know what you're saying about recovery. It cannot be one sided or it will not work. To be honest, I think at this point it is easier for the WS on some levels. Yes, they prove themselves through the actions they're taking to try and reverse what was done. If there's a one sided R kind of like what I'm doing I'm sure the WS starts growing some resentment. If she's is proving herself over and over again and I'm not opening up perhaps she'll just walk out of the marriage herself. Maybe after a year and much hasn't changed I can sit my wife down and have a civil conversation with mutual understanding. I mean would she really want to live like that too?

[Rainbowlove]

We are still in marriage counseling. I know what you're saying about recovery. It cannot be one sided or it will not work. To be honest, I think at this point it is easier for the WS on some levels. Yes, they prove themselves through the actions they're taking to try and reverse what was done. If there's a one sided R kind of like what I'm doing I'm sure the WS starts growing some resentment. If she's is proving herself over and over again and I'm not opening up perhaps she'll just walk out of the marriage herself. Maybe after a year and much hasn't changed I can sit my wife down and have a civil conversation with mutual understanding. I mean would she really want to live like that too?

 

I don't know if gets easier for the WS, truthfully. Speaking for myself, I tell my wife my affair is in my face everyday. Everyday, I relive what I did. I can't shake it. I can't escape the reality of it. I live with the regret. It's the first thing I put on when I wake up in the morning. It's like a personal prison for both spouses, I guess.

 

I'm like you, a year into recovery. My partner has been so forgiving and loving and kind. Sometimes I think, I don't deserve her love or her at all, but that thinking is detrimental to our recovery process and healing.

 

My wife knows I have tortured myself over my affair, she doesn't need to add to my misery. I do that quite nicely on my own. I know how fortunate I am to have her standing by my side and for helping pick me up and for wiling to work through this with me each and everyday. We reassure each other daily that we are committed to staying together. Hearing those words from her helps me through the tough days and I'm sure it's the same for her.

 

I'm glad to hear you are in marriage counseling. Keep at it.

 

No, I imagine your wife doesn't want to live in a situation with someone who cannot forgive her. I think that would make it harder for her to find self-forgiveness and healing.

[drifter777]

My point being that if a BS wants to R, then any reason can be seen as valid.

No - not this. Its if a BH wants to rug-sweep and pretend he's doing ok while secretly praying that time will magically heal his wound - then he will grasp any straw to excuse her. We see it on here pretty much every single time a new BH begins posting.

 

If a guy marries a woman he is accepting all of the lovers she had before they committed to each other. Zero or a big number - he is ok with it or he wouldn't have proposed. Its the sex with OM after the marriage that kills the BH.

Edited December 5, 2014 by drifter777

[jm2013]

No - not this. Its if a BH wants to rug-sweep and pretend he's doing ok while secretly praying that time will magically heal his wound - then he will grasp any straw to excuse her. We see it on here pretty much every single time a new BH begins posting.

 

If a guy marries a woman he is accepting all of the lovers she had before they committed to each other. Zero or a big number - he is ok with it or he wouldn't have proposed. Its the sex with OM after the marriage that kills the BH.

 

I think I may have done some of this initially when I came here. I'll tell you what, I think joining this forum was the best thing I could have done though. It made me realize I wasn't alone and infidelity is all around us. It also gave very clear perspectives to both sides and what to expect. Initially as a bs you probably don't see this since everything is rather foggy.

 

You're absolutely right about the previous partners. Each partner should be accepting of the other partner's history. Though looking back at things with my wife in particular I don't think she was ever as accepting. She always threw how many partners I've had in my face at times. I didn't get it. I wonder if this affected her or something. She used to be way too self conscious having sex and about what my previous partners did opposed to her. Maybe her affair has something to do with all the emotions she had tucked away in the corner somewhere in her head.

[drifter777]

... Though looking back at things with my wife in particular I don't think she was ever as accepting. She always threw how many partners I've had in my face at times. I didn't get it. I wonder if this affected her or something. She used to be way too self conscious having sex and about what my previous partners did opposed to her. Maybe her affair has something to do with all the emotions she had tucked away in the corner somewhere in her head.

You still routinely make excuses for her cheating - I wonder if you even realize how much you've been gas-lighted by her AND yourself.

[jm2013]

You still routinely make excuses for her cheating - I wonder if you even realize how much you've been gas-lighted by her AND yourself.

 

Listen, there's no excuse for her cheating. Can we agree on underlying issues that make a WS more susceptible to an affair? I think of an excuse would be more like a betrayed spouse saying something like "Listen guys, I know I did so much wrong so maybe she had to get this out of her system. I think we can work now" or "She may have never really accepted these past things in her head and cheated on me so maybe now she'll be more accepting and not do it again". I have in no way, shape or form excused her cheating.

[Rainbowlove]

I think in terms of recovery it's important and healthy for a BS to try to understand (not excuse) the why's and how's the affair happened as much as it's important for the wayward spouse to dig deeper...that's part of the process of digging deeper. Why? How?

 

The next step in this thought is to approach the WS and say...was this going on with you?

 

If a woman is comparing herself to other sexual partners in your life, this is a sign of insecurity and not feeling good enough.

 

That has nothing to do with you, of course. Those are her own demons to come to terms with and work on, but as a BS, you can and should broach the subject with her. It's not an excuse, it's an understanding that could further lead to healing and acceptance.

 

Whether or not your marriage can recover, you will both still need to have some kind of understanding and healing to move forward in life, so not to carry the baggage in your next relationships.

[Red123]

I think in terms of recovery it's important and healthy for a BS to try to understand (not excuse) the why's and how's the affair happened as much as it's important for the wayward spouse to dig deeper...that's part of the process of digging deeper. Why? How?

 

The next step in this thought is to approach the WS and say...was this going on with you?

 

If a woman is comparing herself to other sexual partners in your life, this is a sign of insecurity and not feeling good enough.

 

That has nothing to do with you, of course. Those are her own demons to come to terms with and work on, but as a BS, you can and should broach the subject with her. It's not an excuse, it's an understanding that could further lead to healing and acceptance.

 

Whether or not your marriage can recover, you will both still need to have some kind of understanding and healing to move forward in life, so not to carry the baggage in your next relationships.

 

I agree with this. In a perfect world I guess a BS could just say there's no excuse for cheating and all possible underlying reasons don't matter or count. Some do feel this way, I get why but I don't think that way. In all parts of my life I try to have some form of understanding so that I can process. In my case I try to look at my H, the A and myself from outside of my pain. I don't do this all the time but try to when I want to see my situation logically not just emotionally. People have baggage, and even the most together person has some. It doesn't ever make cheating ok but cheaters are still people.

[drifter777]

Listen, there's no excuse for her cheating. Can we agree on underlying issues that make a WS more susceptible to an affair? I think of an excuse would be more like a betrayed spouse saying something like "Listen guys, I know I did so much wrong so maybe she had to get this out of her system. I think we can work now" or "She may have never really accepted these past things in her head and cheated on me so maybe now she'll be more accepting and not do it again". I have in no way, shape or form excused her cheating.

 

Yes, I agree. The thing that bothers me when BH's defend their WW to the point of trying to excuse their behavior is that it shows that the BS is too much in their head and not paying enough attention to their emotional state. You & others (especially WS's) may say that taking the time to make decisions with their head and not there heart is the best way for a BS to proceed. Ok, but that is leaving the primary REASON for taking time to make a thoughtful decision is to truly understand what your feelings really are about your WS. A quick, knee-jerk reaction like physical violence or cheap forgiveness is what needs to be avoided.

 

When the BS takes the time to ponder this horrible situation they will eventually consider all factors. Like the kids and/or financial stuff and/or if they believe they will ever be able to forgive. Trying to understand why she cheated seems important - but you will never find that answer. We all know this. So my question is why are you trying to understand why she cheated? Is it to try to predict the chances she will cheat again in the future? You can't know that answer either. That makes me think you aren't paying enough attention to the way you feel emotionally about this - and it's these feelings that are making you doubt whether R is for you. You have done the logical things a BS is supposed to do to R. Your wife is doing the logical things WW needs to do for R. Yet you feel things are not moving forward and you fear that you will not be able to forgive. So I'm suggesting you work on the issue of what you feel and why you still feel this way.

[badkarma2013]

Yes, I agree. The thing that bothers me when BH's defend their WW to the point of trying to excuse their behavior is that it shows that the BS is too much in their head and not paying enough attention to their emotional state. You & others (especially WS's) may say that taking the time to make decisions with their head and not there heart is the best way for a BS to proceed. Ok, but that is leaving the primary REASON for taking time to make a thoughtful decision is to truly understand what your feelings really are about your WS. A quick, knee-jerk reaction like physical violence or cheap forgiveness is what needs to be avoided.

 

When the BS takes the time to ponder this horrible situation they will eventually consider all factors. Like the kids and/or financial stuff and/or if they believe they will ever be able to forgive. Trying to understand why she cheated seems important - but you will never find that answer. We all know this. So my question is why are you trying to understand why she cheated? Is it to try to predict the chances she will cheat again in the future? You can't know that answer either. That makes me think you aren't paying enough attention to the way you feel emotionally about this - and it's these feelings that are making you doubt whether R is for you. You have done the logical things a BS is supposed to do to R. Your wife is doing the logical things WW needs to do for R. Yet you feel things are not moving forward and you fear that you will not be able to forgive. So I'm suggesting you work on the issue of what you feel and why you still feel this way.

 

*****************************************************************

*******Some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten or forgiven .....Not complicated...Not confusing...THEY JUST CANT...

[bubbaganoosh]

I've read this whole thing twice and all it does is convince me more and more that infidelity, cheating is a deal breaker and the marriage is now over.

 

I know a lot of people find a way to put their marriage back on track and I'm happy for them and wish them the best of luck but there's no doubt in my mind that the one who was cheated on will forever have that horrible episode in the back of their mind for the rest of their lives and will have days when it's worse then before.

 

No way on God's green earth will I live my life always looking over my shoulder wondering if she's where she says she is, doing what she says she's doing, with who she says she's with. That isn't any kind of life and as hard as it is to divorce and have your life turned upside down, it's sure as hell is better then living life with constant doubts and unanswered questions, and not having that trust that you should have in a marriage. This sort of problem of cheating just doesn't affect you but sooner or later it takes it's toll on the family.

 

No. I wont live like that. I'll start over and maybe I wont have as much as I once did and my life style will take a hit but I'll be able to look forward everyday and not have to keep looking over my shoulder wondering, worrying and being unhappy.

[Lordsnow]

one thing I promised myself was I don't want to wake up at 70 years old look at the woman next to me and realise I wasted my life with someone who hurt me so much and I still resent her for it....get out as quickly as possible. There are many many honest women out there who want an honest guy like you.

[jm2013]

It is kind of interesting to see the couples who've reconciled on here. While things may "seem" better we are all in the same boat. We still come here to LS to ask questions and vent about things. Whether we're one year out, five or ten. It seems to linger on and on. I'm having a problem in my R that seems hard to shake and am not sure if others feel this way and it is just not as much spoken about. The first year was rocky with all that happened after I found out. Then when I came home things were good. The best communication, no bickering or arguing about stupid things and most importantly her family gone and not intruding in our marriage. Right now I'm losing attraction to my wife do to all the emotions of the betrayal. After it really sets in the disgust is getting overwhelming. I have told her this before but I think it is starting to sink in a little. Soon I think I am going to sit her down in a real good one on one conversation and ask her what her expectations are.

 

It feels forced right now to give 100% and it wouldn't be authentic. It's like I love her but I'm not in love with her right now. I know this sounds typical of what WS's say when they're involved with somebody else. That is not the case with me. I don't have anybody else. If this can't be corrected soon I am hoping she'll have a mutual understanding that it is time to move on from each other as hard as it will be. I have been thinking that IF we do divorce how fast she'd run back to him. It is almost like I want that to happen to solidify I did indeed make the right decision.

[drifter777]

It feels forced right now to give 100% and it wouldn't be authentic. It's like I love her but I'm not in love with her right now. I know this sounds typical of what WS's say when they're involved with somebody else. That is not the case with me. I don't have anybody else. If this can't be corrected soon I am hoping she'll have a mutual understanding that it is time to move on from each other as hard as it will be. I have been thinking that IF we do divorce how fast she'd run back to him. It is almost like I want that to happen to solidify I did indeed make the right decision.

I am getting a good vibe off of you lately because I don't think you are lying to yourself anymore. The things you are facing now are the things that many BH's just compartmentalize and stuff away in the back of their mind. They don't have the emotional energy or strength to deal anymore.

 

Stay engaged with your feelings and don't take the chicken-sh*t way out. Your recovery is more important then anything else because you really do only get one life.

[SawtoothMars]

Right now I'm losing attraction to my wife do to all the emotions of the betrayal. After it really sets in the disgust is getting overwhelming. I have told her this before but I think it is starting to sink in a little. Soon I think I am going to sit her down in a real good one on one conversation and ask her what her expectations are.

 

It feels forced right now to give 100% and it wouldn't be authentic. It's like I love her but I'm not in love with her right now. I know this sounds typical of what WS's say when they're involved with somebody else. That is not the case with me. I don't have anybody else. If this can't be corrected soon I am hoping she'll have a mutual understanding that it is time to move on from each other as hard as it will be. I have been thinking that IF we do divorce how fast she'd run back to him. It is almost like I want that to happen to solidify I did indeed make the right decision.

 

What does your wife need to do in order to allow you to heal? I don't know isn't a valid answer... because I think you do know deep down.

 

List out what steps you think she could take to help you start the healing process... because it hasn't started for you! They say 2-5 years and you are still at day 1.

[betrayedandhurting]

It is kind of interesting to see the couples who've reconciled on here. While things may "seem" better we are all in the same boat. We still come here to LS to ask questions and vent about things. Whether we're one year out, five or ten.

 

I have had the same thought BUT I wonder if the truly healed couples don't come back here so we never see that hopeful side of betrayal? I had to stop LS cold after the first 2 months after D-Day being here everyday and triggering worse for it. I am solidly in R with my WW who is doing 150% of what she can to save the marriage, but like you the knowledge of what was done weighs on me every waking hour of everyday. I pray for grace that I may find peace in time as I'm only 5 months into this and not ready to give up my family or my wife without trying to find a way to be happy with this life again.. I'm willing to give it time and I hope the day comes it never occurs to me to visit this place.

Edited December 10, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[spanz1]

I have had the same thought BUT I wonder if the truly healed couples don't come back here so we never see that hopeful side of betrayal? .

 

i think, even after 25 years, something can trigger that bad memory and bring back the anger and doubt. Unless they can develop a chemical memory wipe sometime in the future...i think very few ever get off scott free from those dark memories. The best you can do is if they ever come back, apply some coping mechanism to put the memories to rest for another couple years.

[jnel921]

She has done a lot. She's done more than some WS stories I've seen on here. If I can kiss my wife and tell her I love her again I think that would overcome a huge obstacle.

 

Jm,

 

I have been here too. I couldn't say the words either then I finally did over a year and a half later. There was no special occasion. All of the work and love he was pouring back into our M and into my heart finally filled. I told him I loved him and he cried like a baby. The words that he took for granted, the W that he took for granted now loved him back.

 

I too had an issue with his wedding band. Unfortunately there was a pic he took with the OW were he wasn't wearing it. So in my heart he did not for-fill the promise of that ring. He still wears it, but I hate it. I haven't told him this. But I will.

 

My plan is to surprise him and present him with a new wedding band for Christmas. I'd like for the both of us to make new promises for the upcoming years. It is not a reward, but a confirmation of my love and a chance for him to keep a new promise.

 

My H is remorseful. He has done the work and continues to do so. I am happier now than I have ever been. Spending whatever life we have left makes sense and I personally don't want to dwell on the past or hold on to those old feelings.

 

I hope you reach this place. It does take time and work. You have to be willing to open your heart and fall in love again. It is possible. We are 26 months out since Dday and doing much better.

 

Good Luck to you.

[jm2013]

What does your wife need to do in order to allow you to heal? I don't know isn't a valid answer... because I think you do know deep down.

 

List out what steps you think she could take to help you start the healing process... because it hasn't started for you! They say 2-5 years and you are still at day 1.

 

Find a way to travel back in time and unscrew and unlove the other guy. I think the thing that hurts the most is the length of her affair and knowing how she was during it. How she treated me. I didn't know if I was looking at my wife or worst enemy. She's doing so much now but why? Is it really because she "loves" me so much? Could the OM have told her he doesn't want to be with her which is why she came running back to me? It's like I have so many questions that are left unanswered. My wife paints a very different picture to make herself look better in my opinion. What she says works contrary to the evidence.

 

Wife only admits to she says a "6 month" affair. My evidence showed daily calling and texting passed her 6 months. Started in early 2012 all the way to September of 2013. When I discovered the phone records the calls and texts stopped cold turkey. I originally laid out a set of things she must follow for reconciliation.

 

STD Tested

No Contact

Counseling

 

She breached no contact twice that I know about. I think there was more but she won't admit to it. She admitted he even stopped by her work and she told him to leave. Around last December I caught her when she unblocked him from Facebook. Her excuse was she had unblocked him in case he wanted to give some sort of sympathy note about her Uncle's passing. It was weird to say the least and just sounds stupid. They were probably speaking over the Facebook messenger during a period of time.

 

As you can see, there are some gaps in what she says to what really happened. All she does is try to minimize what really happened and get it all swept under that big rug she wants to she can move forward like it never even happened and enjoy life. I'm left in the wake of all her destruction to figure out who she really is as a person. If she's truly sincere. They say trust your gut. I have learned to detach myself from my wife. I'm hoping in any case of divorce we can do things that would ease the pain of it all and limit damages.

 

After everything is said and done and I think we won't be able to move forward I can at least look back at the hot steaming mess she created and say I TRIED. I'm 30 years old and know definitively I could find somebody who would never in a million years do what she did. It might actually feel good when the time is right to invest 100% into a woman who is true to who she is as a person. I think my wife carried a lot of emotional junk with her through our relationship. I picked up on red flags long ago I simply ignored. I looked past her issues because she felt safe. Boy was I wrong about that.

 

I have had the same thought BUT I wonder if the truly healed couples don't come back here so we never see that hopeful side of betrayal? I had to stop LS cold after the first 2 months after D-Day being here everyday and triggering worse for it. I am solidly in R with my WW who is doing 150% of what she can to save the marriage, but like you the knowledge of what was done weighs on me every waking hour of everyday. I pray for grace that I may find peace in time as I'm only 5 months into this and not ready to give up my family or my wife without trying to find a way to be happy with this life again.. I'm willing to give it time and I hope the day comes it never occurs to me to visit this place.

 

To be honest, I'd still visit this place even if I was divorced or even remarried. This was a big part of a tragic event in my life. I won't forget this place. Not to mention it feels good to be able to help guide all of the other unlucky people who get slapped with infidelity. I wish you and your wife the best. I guess a lot of people were right when they say reconciliation is not for everybody. I think a lot of people reconcile unhappy and for the wrong reasons. There's people coming back here after a decade or more to complain about their wayward spouse and seem generally unhappy about them.

 

Jm,

 

I have been here too. I couldn't say the words either then I finally did over a year and a half later. There was no special occasion. All of the work and love he was pouring back into our M and into my heart finally filled. I told him I loved him and he cried like a baby. The words that he took for granted, the W that he took for granted now loved him back.

 

I too had an issue with his wedding band. Unfortunately there was a pic he took with the OW were he wasn't wearing it. So in my heart he did not for-fill the promise of that ring. He still wears it, but I hate it. I haven't told him this. But I will.

 

My plan is to surprise him and present him with a new wedding band for Christmas. I'd like for the both of us to make new promises for the upcoming years. It is not a reward, but a confirmation of my love and a chance for him to keep a new promise.

 

My H is remorseful. He has done the work and continues to do so. I am happier now than I have ever been. Spending whatever life we have left makes sense and I personally don't want to dwell on the past or hold on to those old feelings.

 

I hope you reach this place. It does take time and work. You have to be willing to open your heart and fall in love again. It is possible. We are 26 months out since Dday and doing much better.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

Thanks jnel921. It's good to see successful reconciliations. I hope I can get to that point. I want to say I'm not talking myself out of it. I'm just trying to find my true inner feelings. If I cannot invest in my wife again she'll just end up with somebody else again behind my back. I'm glad your marriage is doing great now!

[Rainbowlove]

You sound very done.

 

By all indications, it sounds like you don't really want to reconcile at all.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I am just seeing what you have posted and you are entitled to be done.

 

I think after a year into it, you should at least sound like you want to work at it. There's nothing about the above post that sounds at all like you believe there is a slight possibility to save anything.

 

You can't look her in the eye in the morning and kiss her. You can't say I love you.

 

And you don't believe she's told you the truth about the affair. That's a big road block to recovery.

 

You may be finding out you are done.

[jm2013]

You sound very done.

 

By all indications, it sounds like you don't really want to reconcile at all.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I am just seeing what you have posted and you are entitled to be done.

 

I think after a year into it, you should at least sound like you want to work at it. There's nothing about the above post that sounds at all like you believe there is a slight possibility to save anything.

 

You can't look her in the eye in the morning and kiss her. You can't say I love you.

 

And you don't believe she's told you the truth about the affair. That's a big road block to recovery.

 

You may be finding out you are done.

 

You're not being harsh. I thought I WOULD be able to work at it. There is something inside preventing this. It is like a hit a roadblock. I imagine recovery being a mutual thing. Where both parties are happy. I am indeed happy with certain things. I'm happy we aren't arguing and happy we do things as a family. It just feels like she no longer fulfills my needs as a lover. I don't want this to come off the wrong way. I still care about her it just feels like it is in a different way now. Would it still hurt if we divorced? Absolutely. I know this all sounds weird. I guess I'm trying to channel in to my inner feelings about this all. I'm not even sure if I could get past my internal struggle to have a real successful reconciliation. Otherwise I would be burying it all deep within and putting a smile on my face to the outside world while I am living in an internal world of torment. Constantly thinking about it. I hate it. I could almost feel a 1 ton boulder being lifted off my chest if we did divorce. I have started envisioning a different kind of life. My own condo or house, independence. Being set free from all of the emotional junk. Being able to do my own things to heal from the mess. Then I look at my poor little daughter. Knowing that she'd have to live in a broken home. It tears me to pieces.

 

I am working out some business things into next year. I will float as much as I can to make sure my daughter's education isn't affected in any case of divorce. I'll make sure there's enough money for everybody to enjoy I guess. It's only money... I'll just make more!

[Rainbowlove]

You sound like a good man and father.

 

What you are saying about your feelings isn't weird at all. In fact, I'd say it's a normal process of discovering your emotions after what you've been through.

 

Happiness shouldn't be in pieces, should it? Happy with this part of my marriage...unhappy about this part of my marriage...I get that you don't feel whole.

 

You want the complete package. You deserve to have that feeling of content and completeness.

 

It would be easier for many of us just to start over and many ppl do. They just close the door and never look back.

 

Trust your gut. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Your daughter wants you to be happy and whole. If you are not, she will not be either. We teach our kids how to love and be in relationships. They look to us to role model everything, I know you know all of this.

 

Continue to take care of you. Everyone will benefit, even your little girl...no matter the outcome.

[bigman1]

JM, I see your plight and I want to give you this principle. If you live a life that is authentic and true to you, then you will live well. Everyone has regrets, but the worst type of regret belongs to those who compromised on their values. In short, be true to yourself.

 

If waging this internal struggle is true to who you are, then continue. On the other hand, if the struggle is really about whether to be true to yourself or to some other purpose/cause/person, then stop fighting and go with being true to yourself.

 

We all have an internal guide. Its the thing that makes you uneasy when you are doing something that you know is wrong. It is also the thing that makes you uneasy when you are not being true to yourself.

 

As far as your daughter living in a broken home. Well, that is hard. I have a daughter so I understand your pain. I will say this, what is going ot best for her, living in a "broken home" or living with a "broken man" in a "broken" relationship? I have never known anyone to successfully hide the pain, suffering, bitterness, that comes with living contrary to one's own truth. Never, ever.

 

She can live with two loving parents with two loving "whole" homes. I do not urge you one way or the other, but I do say this, if you are not true to yourself then you can never give her the best you that she deserves. Instead, you will just give her the best that you can muster up on any given day. To use a metaphor, you are a four star chef and instead of giving her four star meals wherever you end up, you will give her a bunch of canned food for the sake of eating in a particular place.

 

Be true to yourself, whatever your truth is.

[SawtoothMars]

Find a way to travel back in time and unscrew and unlove the other guy. I think the thing that hurts the most is the length of her affair and knowing how she was during it. How she treated me. I didn't know if I was looking at my wife or worst enemy. She's doing so much now but why? Is it really because she "loves" me so much? Could the OM have told her he doesn't want to be with her which is why she came running back to me? It's like I have so many questions that are left unanswered. My wife paints a very different picture to make herself look better in my opinion. What she says works contrary to the evidence.

Wife only admits to she says a "6 month" affair. My evidence showed daily calling and texting passed her 6 months. Started in early 2012 all the way to September of 2013. When I discovered the phone records the calls and texts stopped cold turkey. I originally laid out a set of things she must follow for reconciliation.

STD Tested

No Contact

Counseling

She breached no contact twice that I know about. I think there was more but she won't admit to it. She admitted he even stopped by her work and she told him to leave. Around last December I caught her when she unblocked him from Facebook. Her excuse was she had unblocked him in case he wanted to give some sort of sympathy note about her Uncle's passing. It was weird to say the least and just sounds stupid. They were probably speaking over the Facebook messenger during a period of time.

As you can see, there are some gaps in what she says to what really happened. All she does is try to minimize what really happened and get it all swept under that big rug she wants to she can move forward like it never even happened and enjoy life. I'm left in the wake of all her destruction to figure out who she really is as a person. If she's truly sincere. They say trust your gut. I have learned to detach myself from my wife. I'm hoping in any case of divorce we can do things that would ease the pain of it all and limit damages.

After everything is said and done and I think we won't be able to move forward I can at least look back at the hot steaming mess she created and say I TRIED. I'm 30 years old and know definitively I could find somebody who would never in a million years do what she did. It might actually feel good when the time is right to invest 100% into a woman who is true to who she is as a person. I think my wife carried a lot of emotional junk with her through our relationship. I picked up on red flags long ago I simply ignored. I looked past her issues because she felt safe. Boy was I wrong about that.

 

Ok.... So first and foremost you need honesty. I get the sense that along with that you need some sense of justice.

 

Have you sat her down and told her the there is absolutely no way you guys can move forward if she cannot be honest with you? I mean if she can't be trustworthy... if she keeps clinging to lies... then there is no point to trying. She HAS to be willing to let you have the full truth and just trust you won't walk out. She has to trust you first and right now she doesn't! How can you trust her when she refuses to trust you? This needs to be a conversation you have with her.

 

Along with truth you seem to desire some form of justice. There is a hard rock of anger and resentment. I think once she gets honest and you actually start the healing process.... this will become the next stumbling block.

 

You need to talk to her about honesty. Write it down and give her a letter if that works better. She may connect with that communication style anyways.

[beach]

I don't see how it can get better or improve when she is still with holding info from you to protect herself and possibly her OM.

 

Have you addressed that head on in counseling? If not, next appointment sit down in that office and say point blank "I can't forgive you when you simply won't allow me to understand all the info - all the things you are working so hard to cover up about your affair"! "Those are the things in the way of our marriage healing - and if you're unwilling to get honest with me right now - we have nothing to work on".