Author jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I don't expect more of her action wise. I have no clue if there's more, less or what. That is the unfortunate cause and effect from cheating. SHE is the one who chose to do it not me. Like I said before, if I'm unable to shake the feelings I don't think I'll be going on. Perhaps something will grow in the next year, I don't know. We don't argue or anything. I've never been through anything like this before so I have no clue where my feelings will go over it.
No Limit Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Sounds to me like your wife just keeps making attempts at rug sweeping, hoping the times she'll have to roll over and be extra-kind to you will be over soon. No wonder it's starting to turn you off, the affair is over and she continues to gas light with lies.
Author jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I think she lacks empathy. For some reason that has always seemed to be missing. I still predict there is a day where she'll just get worn out of trying. Or perhaps the day will come when she feels she has paid back all the debts and can now work on an even playing field. I think this feels incredibly unnatural and have even told her this.
badkarma2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I think she lacks empathy. For some reason that has always seemed to be missing. I still predict there is a day where she'll just get worn out of trying. Or perhaps the day will come when she feels she has paid back all the debts and can now work on an even playing field. I think this feels incredibly unnatural and have even told her this. Who cares what she wants...what her so called unmet needs were..or if she was bored..The simple fact is she DID WHAT SHE DID..and from what i have seen her dosent wont to come clean....IT DOSENT MATTER WHAT SHE FEELS....ITS WHAT YOU FEEL...If can continue great..If not LEAVE NOW..and the she how she reacts...
Author jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Who cares what she wants...what her so called unmet needs were..or if she was bored..The simple fact is she DID WHAT SHE DID..and from what i have seen her dosent wont to come clean....IT DOSENT MATTER WHAT SHE FEELS....ITS WHAT YOU FEEL...If can continue great..If not LEAVE NOW..and the she how she reacts... I made the mistake of leaving the first time lol. I'm not leaving this house until it's sold if we do go that route. If things do not end up working out I'm going to make a new transition as smooth as possible.
BetrayedH Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 For what it's worth, I think giving up her family, her job, and her wedding ring were all pretty uncomfortable things to do and they speak to true remorse, to me. Those aren't small sacrifices. Whether or not you can ever believe her again, love her again, etc is a separate issue. I think you're choosing a wise path to give it another year. That would be a reasonable attempt at that conventional 2-5 year recovery estimate. I am curious what investment you plan on making in that year, although I wouldn't judge you if you made no further investment than just being there and not filing. I think I'm more curious about if she is still making a big effort after another year, will that be enough for you to start investing as well? I would tend to think that reconciliation would really require the efforts of both parties. No real advice or judgement here. Just musing.
Author jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 She has done a lot. She's done more than some WS stories I've seen on here. If I can kiss my wife and tell her I love her again I think that would overcome a huge obstacle. These are things I have not been able to do since d-day. It's like something inside me prevents these actions and words to even come out when I set my eyes on her. Every morning is the same. My daughter runs up to me and I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her and to have a great day. I turn to my wife wish her a good day, she gives me a hug but some sort of weird natural reaction is to avoid eye contact, briefly hug her, she gives me a kiss on my cheek and I walk away. The emotional impact of what she did is still there. I never once thought there could be something like this that would ever impact me this much emotionally. I thought I've been through a lot before her affair but this one event really took the cake. Perhaps as a little more times goes by I'll be able to make more investments. I am finding it incredibly hard. I just want to say though it isn't just like my body being there. I mean I'm there, we do things, conversate and live life. The components that are really missing are emotional ones like saying "I love you" and being able to give a meaningful kiss. This is also like that in the bedroom. My desire is deceasing substantially. I'm younger so my sex drive is still going but her affair is clouding my perception of her in the bedroom to the point where it is starting to affect our sexual relationship together. I found this kind of weird and did not think about it before. I know people have tossed around the term "hyperbonding" and I think this did happen at one point. I also think that since we weren't incredibly sexually active during her affair I had built up sexual frustration that I just released upon her when she was tossing herself at me. Now that this stage is over and I'm finally going back down to normal I started to develop these new feelings. Perhaps somebody else has gone through the same? I mean as a guy it's not hard for me to have sex on that level. But on an emotional level of sexual connection all seems to be lost. I hope I'm making sense 1
Almond_Joy Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 How noble of you. You are either in or out. It doesn't go both ways...just saying. No one is winning in that situation...not even you. If you are not into saving it, tell her there is NO chance of recovery and divorce. Sounds like you are stringing her along for the good days.... Even better than telling her, contact a lawyer and start drawing up divorce papers and settlement agreements. I can completely understand why you would not want to see the ring or her wearing it anymore, but I can also understand why, if you haven't started divorce proceedings, she would think she has a chance and continue wearing it.
Almond_Joy Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I got a lawyer on retainer and sent her multiple letters in the mail that had his address, letter head and words of a pending divorce in hopes we could settle our differences with a dissolution. She never mentioned she received these and tore them up. um....obviously I got to this post AFTER my first response. Did this happen before or after the sale of the ring? That's a pretty clear message that this is a done deal.
Author jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 um....obviously I got to this post AFTER my first response. Did this happen before or after the sale of the ring? That's a pretty clear message that this is a done deal. I had moved all my stuff out of the house, got my lawyer and tried to get her to go so we could have a meaningful conversation with the three of us sitting at a table drawing things up for a dissolution. She tore all of the letters up she received and at one point told me she'll basically have to be drug to court over the divorce. It sounded like she wanted to make it as messy as possible maybe in hopes to make it more appealing not to divorce. I am not really sure what the intentions were. I just know that in my particular care a dissolution would have been hard to come by. This all happened before the sale of the ring.
Almond_Joy Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I had moved all my stuff out of the house, got my lawyer and tried to get her to go so we could have a meaningful conversation with the three of us sitting at a table drawing things up for a dissolution. She tore all of the letters up she received and at one point told me she'll basically have to be drug to court over the divorce. It sounded like she wanted to make it as messy as possible maybe in hopes to make it more appealing not to divorce. I am not really sure what the intentions were. I just know that in my particular care a dissolution would have been hard to come by. This all happened before the sale of the ring. Maybe this is her way of trying to accept this is over then. Letting go in pieces. First the dress, then the ring....who knows what she'll give up next? Good luck with everything. I have little to no sympathy for cheaters. 2
ComingInHot Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 jm2013 wrote, "If that is what my future looks like with her it isn't very appealing to me. I miss investing in somebody untainted and miss the special feeling we once shared together." I get this 100%. No amount of 'stuffing' the thoughts to the back of the mind make it go away. Time does do an incredible amount of healing and forgiveness can be achieved. Sometimes though, no matter how hard reconciliation is tried, it just won't work for one reason or another to the betrayed. It takes time. Taking time can suck (especially if you are like me* I want things 5 minutes ago ), however, with time can come happiness again... If you allow for it. All my best during this hard time for both you and Your Wife CiH* 4
drifter777 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 She has done a lot. She's done more than some WS stories I've seen on here. If I can kiss my wife and tell her I love her again I think that would overcome a huge obstacle. These are things I have not been able to do since d-day. It's like something inside me prevents these actions and words to even come out when I set my eyes on her. Every morning is the same. My daughter runs up to me and I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her and to have a great day. I turn to my wife wish her a good day, she gives me a hug but some sort of weird natural reaction is to avoid eye contact, briefly hug her, she gives me a kiss on my cheek and I walk away. The emotional impact of what she did is still there. I never once thought there could be something like this that would ever impact me this much emotionally. I thought I've been through a lot before her affair but this one event really took the cake. Perhaps as a little more times goes by I'll be able to make more investments. I am finding it incredibly hard. I just want to say though it isn't just like my body being there. I mean I'm there, we do things, conversate and live life. The components that are really missing are emotional ones like saying "I love you" and being able to give a meaningful kiss. This is also like that in the bedroom. My desire is deceasing substantially. I'm younger so my sex drive is still going but her affair is clouding my perception of her in the bedroom to the point where it is starting to affect our sexual relationship together. I found this kind of weird and did not think about it before. I know people have tossed around the term "hyperbonding" and I think this did happen at one point. I also think that since we weren't incredibly sexually active during her affair I had built up sexual frustration that I just released upon her when she was tossing herself at me. Now that this stage is over and I'm finally going back down to normal I started to develop these new feelings. Perhaps somebody else has gone through the same? I mean as a guy it's not hard for me to have sex on that level. But on an emotional level of sexual connection all seems to be lost. I hope I'm making sense God, this is so painful for me to read. It's like you are wishing for a 4-step process that goes: Step 1: She cheated, I'm devastated Step 2: I'm trying but after a year I'm feeling worse about the whole thing Step 3: A miracle happens Step 4: We live happily married ever after... So, I suggest that you re-examine step 3. What magic thing do you think is going to happen that changes your emotional being to the point where living with the woman who cheated, lied, and betrayed you is going to be ok? That all the images and thoughts of her screwing this OM are going to bother you so little as to be just a bit of a nuisance? You are setting yourself up to live out an unhappily married life that you will regret. This idea you have of waiting for things to "get better" isn't rational. Time alone won't heal you and wishing things were better won't change a thing. I'm constantly attacked for my firm belief that any BH who isn't ok with their wife having sex with some OM should divorce and move on. Most men will never forgive and will suffer for not leaving down the road. Everything you have posted in the past couple months confirms that you just ain't going to get past this. It's time choose between living unhappily, as you are now, and taking the difficult path of divorce. I believe that most men come through the divorce path quicker and in much better emotional shape then those who trudge through the rest of their life trying to come to terms with her cheating. 2
DbleBetrayal Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I turn to my wife wish her a good day, she gives me a hug but some sort of weird natural reaction is to avoid eye contact, briefly hug her, she gives me a kiss on my cheek and I walk away. I find myself doing this. Not sure what it is. Don't know if it's from disgust or shame, or both. 1
badkarma2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 God, this is so painful for me to read. It's like you are wishing for a 4-step process that goes: Step 1: She cheated, I'm devastated Step 2: I'm trying but after a year I'm feeling worse about the whole thing Step 3: A miracle happens Step 4: We live happily married ever after... So, I suggest that you re-examine step 3. What magic thing do you think is going to happen that changes your emotional being to the point where living with the woman who cheated, lied, and betrayed you is going to be ok? That all the images and thoughts of her screwing this OM are going to bother you so little as to be just a bit of a nuisance? You are setting yourself up to live out an unhappily married life that you will regret. This idea you have of waiting for things to "get better" isn't rational. Time alone won't heal you and wishing things were better won't change a thing. I'm constantly attacked for my firm belief that any BH who isn't ok with their wife having sex with some OM should divorce and move on. Most men will never forgive and will suffer for not leaving down the road. Everything you have posted in the past couple months confirms that you just ain't going to get past this. It's time choose between living unhappily, as you are now, and taking the difficult path of divorce. I believe that most men come through the divorce path quicker and in much better emotional shape then those who trudge through the rest of their life trying to come to terms with her cheating. Well there is one thing for sure,ALL BHs here know...no matter what a WW does ...trys to change..help BH cope...Follows WSs script to a tee... She CAN NEVER UNFU@K THE OM...EVER 1
drifter777 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Well there is one thing for sure,ALL BHs here know...no matter what a WW does ...trys to change..help BH cope...Follows WSs script to a tee... She CAN NEVER UNFU@K THE OM...EVER BH's get totally get this statement. But every WW will read this and think "That's my point - of course I can't go back so why does my BH keep bringing this part up?" With most men it's all about the sex... 1
DbleBetrayal Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) BH's get totally get this statement. With most men it's all about the sex... Believe it or not, that bit is the same for many BW's too, well, for me it is and I'm sure I'm not alone. That's the one thing that brings on the most anxiety for me. I've woken up in a panic attack many nights from the imagery of it alone. It's heartbreaking and absolute mental torture. The OW was also my best friend, so I have a crystal clear image of her, which is all the more mentally disturbing. Edited December 5, 2014 by DbleBetrayal
road Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 BH's get totally get this statement. But every WW will read this and think "That's my point - of course I can't go back so why does my BH keep bringing this part up?" With most men it's all about the sex... It is not about the WW getting unbanged. It is about how the BH can never get past what happened without full knowledge of how his WW cheated. This is why trickle truthing never works. WW's desiring to save the marriage refuse to divulge what may cause her BH to divorce her. The BH not getting the truth he needs never leaves the affair in the past. He recalls it all the time. Twenty, thirty plus years later. So the end result is a marriage that stays in limp mode forever. 2
badkarma2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 It is not about the WW getting unbanged. It is about how the BH can never get past what happened without full knowledge of how his WW cheated. This is why trickle truthing never works. WW's desiring to save the marriage refuse to divulge what may cause her BH to divorce her. The BH not getting the truth he needs never leaves the affair in the past. He recalls it all the time. Twenty, thirty plus years later. So the end result is a marriage that stays in limp mode forever. I somewhat agree...WE NEVER GET THE TRUTH...AND WE NEVER WILL..THE WW IS TO BUSY LYING TRYING TO SAVE WHAT SHE FUC@KED UP...AND MORE LIES AND DECEIT.. In my case it was different ...it was shoved down my throat..(what i already knew..just not to the extent) when the OM handed me pics of my wife of 22yrs engaged in sex acts with him ,,,that for 22yrs she told me were REPUGNANT ...but not with him... AGING SHE CHOSE TO GO A FUC#KEST WITH THE OTHER MAN...SHE CHOSE THAT.. I CHOSE TO BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND..NOT HER...THAT WAS MY CHOICE IN THE MATTER. 1
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I'm constantly attacked for my firm belief that any BH who isn't ok with their wife having sex with some OM should divorce and move on. Most men will never forgive and will suffer for not leaving down the road. Everything you have posted in the past couple months confirms that you just ain't going to get past this. It's time choose between living unhappily, as you are now, and taking the difficult path of divorce. I believe that most men come through the divorce path quicker and in much better emotional shape then those who trudge through the rest of their life trying to come to terms with her cheating. I agree and most women cannot forgive or forget either, if they were truly honest. Years spent in counselling and talking and papering over cracks and tolerating sex and acting "happy", when living by oneself in a paper bag would actually be more enjoyable. 1
Author jm2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 I just figured I'd give it some time. It's not that I'm looking for a miracle, no. I'm wondering if there's more healing within another year. Why do they always say healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years? Maybe I won't heal and this will bother me. I just don't have a clue. It's weird to think about my wife with this other guy. I get you on the mental pictures. My wife and I were not virgins entering our relationship and marriage. I'm not sure if virginity plays a bigger role in reconciling. If my wife and I lost our virginity together and she went out and started screwing other men I think I'd be more peeved. Even know my wife and I were not virgins when we met it still pisses me off so high heaven on how she was able to go and "easily" have sex and a hidden relationship with this other guy.
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I just figured I'd give it some time. It's not that I'm looking for a miracle, no. I'm wondering if there's more healing within another year. Why do they always say healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years? Maybe I won't heal and this will bother me. I just don't have a clue. It's weird to think about my wife with this other guy. I get you on the mental pictures. My wife and I were not virgins entering our relationship and marriage. I'm not sure if virginity plays a bigger role in reconciling. If my wife and I lost our virginity together and she went out and started screwing other men I think I'd be more peeved. Even know my wife and I were not virgins when we met it still pisses me off so high heaven on how she was able to go and "easily" have sex and a hidden relationship with this other guy. If you were both virgins then you would possibly excuse her because she never got to sow any wild oats and perhaps she needed to do that.
Author jm2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 If you were both virgins then you would possibly excuse her because she never got to sow any wild oats and perhaps she needed to do that. I still don't think that would be a valid excuse. What is the point of getting married if you knew all along you wanted to experiment with other people? That's what I don't get about affairs. What was the point of me marrying if I was going to have a relationship with somebody else? I consider myself pretty logical but I'd ask those questions. 2
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I still don't think that would be a valid excuse. What is the point of getting married if you knew all along you wanted to experiment with other people? That's what I don't get about affairs. What was the point of me marrying if I was going to have a relationship with somebody else? I consider myself pretty logical but I'd ask those questions. My point being that if a BS wants to R, then any reason can be seen as valid.
Rainbowlove Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I just figured I'd give it some time. It's not that I'm looking for a miracle, no. I'm wondering if there's more healing within another year. Why do they always say healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years? They say it takes 2-5 years because it's a damn hard road, that's why. For full recovery to happen, both partners need to do individual introspective work and then the couple needs to do couple work to heal, to move, to grow, to forgive, together somehow. Both partners need to commit to it or it's doomed. You can't be half in and half out and expect anything to change. Giving it another year is a good thought, but what will you do differently in that year to make an honest effort to heal and grow with your wife? We don't wake up one day and suddenly all is well - not even for the wayward spouse. It takes time. No one can undo anything, though I'm sure many wayward spouses wished they could. There is no magic wand, there is no rewind button, there is magic pill to ease anyone's pain. It happened. It sucks. It hurts everyone involved. We know it's devastating. It's soul crushing. Now, the question is how can you move forward, so that if it ends, you know you did everything you could do to try to heal and save your marriage? Obviously that is your goal or you still wouldn't be there with her. Are you in marriage counseling together?
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