jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Last week was rather interesting in new developments. Since my story began I have always questioned my WW why she still wore her ring. It was a meaningless object which held no more symbolic value it used to. I asked her if she simply liked to wear it because of the glam it showed the outside world. I finally convinced her to keep it off for good not too long ago. Last week she finally took it upon herself to liquidate her ring. I was surprised she did this. She seemed rather hurt about doing this. When we briefly spoke about it you could tell she was choking back tears. Do the rings typically still hold some sort of symbolic meaning to the WS even after an affair? Why? My wife looked at me in some sort of implied fashion to put another ring on her finger to replace this one. Complete turn off.
notbroken Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Don't you want her to wear a ring? Aren't you still married? Do you want to reconcile? You sure? I get that you are angry at her. Definitely do. But going without a wedding ring is not going to help your relationship in any way.
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Don't you want her to wear a ring? Aren't you still married? Do you want to reconcile? You sure? I get that you are angry at her. Definitely do. But going without a wedding ring is not going to help your relationship in any way. No, I wasn't too keen on her wearing the ring I placed on her finger years ago that symbolized her love and fidelity to me that she shattered. Also knowing that same ring was on her finger when she was banging OM and probably looking at it also doesn't settle well with me. Legally, yes, we are still married. I'm not 100% on the reconciliation yet. Lately I've been blah feeling. So no, I'm not sure to be honest. It's not that she's been doing anything wrong. But I feel emotionally no matter what she does as a person and spouse I'm not sure if I can recover from it. Otherwise I'd just be cohabitating and being there for the kids. I mean I can't complain. She does a lot and most days I'm happy. The events are all just sitting in the back of my head and more so than not make me sicker to my stomach of what she did. If that is what my future looks like with her it isn't very appealing to me. I miss investing in somebody untainted and miss the special feeling we once shared together. There are times where it doesn't feel like that feeling would ever come back. 4
beach Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 If the ring wasn't important enough to keep her from cheating then why should you be expected to get her a new one now that she's gotten rid of the tainted ring? If it's that important to her she can buy her own ring. How much cash did she get for the old one?
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 If the ring wasn't important enough to keep her from cheating then why should you be expected to get her a new one now that she's gotten rid of the tainted ring? If it's that important to her she can buy her own ring. How much cash did she get for the old one? I know right? I think she wanted another one deep down but didn't really say anything. It was all implied. I originally paid about 5k for her ring and she got $1300. Great deal lol.
beach Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Buy her a him ball machine ring. Tell her that's what she's earned. See if she wears it . Lol
petee Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 You do right mate. She was not worthy of it. If you do R then consider one in the future, but do not spend anywhere near that amount.....and your argument is 'just in case, I got the last one for keeps, who knows now. If you do end up dead set on her again, use the extra money to treat the pair of you! Get on a holiday to.....I don't know, say Mexico!! 1
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 So no, I'm not sure to be honest. It's not that she's been doing anything wrong. But I feel emotionally no matter what she does as a person and spouse I'm not sure if I can recover from it. Otherwise I'd just be cohabitating and being there for the kids. I mean I can't complain. She does a lot and most days I'm happy. The events are all just sitting in the back of my head and more so than not make me sicker to my stomach of what she did. If that is what my future looks like with her it isn't very appealing to me. I miss investing in somebody untainted and miss the special feeling we once shared together. There are times where it doesn't feel like that feeling would ever come back. I hope if this is how you feel, you tell her you are NOT in it. She deserves to know the truth of that - and then you and her both can move on. Let her go, if you cannot forgive.
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 I hope if this is how you feel, you tell her you are NOT in it. She deserves to know the truth of that - and then you and her both can move on. Let her go, if you cannot forgive. I have been completely 100% open to my feelings. I'm in no way stringing her along and she knows this. It is her decision if she wants to linger around with me or what. She is free to walk out the door. I'll pay for the house myself.
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 How noble of you. You are either in or out. It doesn't go both ways...just saying. No one is winning in that situation...not even you. If you are not into saving it, tell her there is NO chance of recovery and divorce. Sounds like you are stringing her along for the good days....
beach Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It's a ring. No importance in it. If not a gum ball ring is she open to wearing a plain hold band? Say... One that costs $100?
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Am I supposed to have a pity party for her? I have told her exactly how I feel word for word and she continues to "prove" herself. I have told her I am not sure if my feelings will change or what. I have never gone through this before. I have no clue. I am NOT stringing her along. Stringing her along would be me hiding my true feelings and knowing I will be divorcing her.
badkarma2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) How noble of you. You are either in or out. It doesn't go both ways...just saying. No one is winning in that situation...not even you. If you are not into saving it, tell her there is NO chance of recovery and divorce. Sounds like you are stringing her along for the good days.... Youre Da*n right hes being noble... shes still in the house...HE DOSENT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING...SHE MADE A CHOICE AND FUC&ED UP THEIR MARRIAGE... Being Lied to...Betrayed and Deceived while she had a FUC#fest with the OM...NOW THATS BEING STRUNG ALONG AT ITS WORST... Again Naivety ABOUNDS! Edited December 2, 2014 by badkarma2013 1
Davey L Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 For some reason I find this very sad. Why not let her keep the ring? She was hurt by your asking her to get rid of it and I guess that to her it was a symbol of hope. If she is honestly trying to reconcile what are you achieving by hurting her? If you don't want reconciliation then tell her so. I actually feel sad for your wife. Yes she. 1
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Fair enough. You have been heard. Recovery is hard work. Hard work from both parties. A pity party is not needed. You still sound very angry - rightfully so. No one knows what recovery looks like. I'm sure it's diferent for every couple who chooses to go down that path. It's an emotional roller coaster filled with lots of ups and downs. After a year in recovery, it's finally starting to settle in my home. There are still many days when something triggers someone, I think and have accepted that's just par for the course, but we talk through it and most days are good and it's only getting better. Are you in counseling or marriage counseling? I wish you and your spouse full healing and recovery.
carhill Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Do the rings typically still hold some sort of symbolic meaning to the WS even after an affair? Depends on the person. Your spouse will have an answer unique to them. If you merely asked her to stop wearing the ring and explained why, her subsequent action of selling it is also a message worth clarifying. That seems like quite a stretch from ceasing to wear it. If you and she have foreclosed upon lines of communication, I'd file for D and see how things go. That's an action with a clear message. No ambiguity there. The results are unknown.
Selfish Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 No, I wasn't too keen on her wearing the ring I placed on her finger years ago that symbolized her love and fidelity to me that she shattered. Just a little reminder. That isn't what her ring symbolized. I am not sure what your vows were but they are usually something like this GROOM, as you place the ring on BRIDE’s finger, please repeat after me: I give you this ring to wear As a symbol of my abiding love, My eternal faith, and my undying devotion. It is an outward reminder of our inner unity. So the ring symbolized your love and fidelity. But as you feel bothered by the ring I am glad she finally removed it. This wasn't an issue with us but I know if my husband asked me to take it off I would. I don't think it was good she never took it off when you asked her to and it took so long. Have you thought of divorcing and seeing how that goes? It isn't like there is a law that says you can't get back together. 1
badkarma2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 For some reason I find this very sad. Why not let her keep the ring? She was hurt by your asking her to get rid of it and I guess that to her it was a symbol of hope. If she is honestly trying to reconcile what are you achieving by hurting her? If you don't want reconciliation then tell her so. I actually feel sad for your wife. Yes she. ******************************************************************* What SYMBOL DID IT SIGNIFIE WHEN SHE WORE IT WHILE BANGING THE OM...WELL... When you CHOSE to commit INFIDELITY ....YOU GET WHAT YOU GET...ALL BETS ARE OFF... Honest to God..some on here still amaze me ...OR ITS NEVER HAPPENED TO THEM....
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 her subsequent action of selling it is also a message worth clarifying. That seems like quite a stretch from ceasing to wear it. The desperate act of selling it can mean: 1. Sold it fearing the need for money due to the reality of false recovery 2. She has zero intention of making the marriage work 3. She wanted a reaction from of you. None of those reasons are good ones.
carhill Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 All valid, but speculation. One thing MC taught was to foreclose on speculation and work with clear communicated messages and back those up with actions. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd simply ask 'why' and listen and then see if actions observed and the words matched up. OP, you apparently state you're not sure right now what you wish to do with regard to your marriage. Would you consider of formal separation as a reasonable step? Have either of you had any counseling, either IC or MC? 2
beach Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 You stated your W had daily contact with her OM for 2 years then the phone just stopped when you found out. Have you checked to be sure she doesn't have a newer burner phone? From your postings she hasn't exactly been forthcoming and given you everything you need to have complete peace of mind about what she's done... How much have you checked on her and could she still be communicating with him and hiding it better?
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 We do go to counseling yes. I've shared these feelings with him as well. When I bring up my feelings I seem to get that I'm stuck in the past and have to look in the future. At times it makes me feel like both want this to be rug swept on moved on from. Yes, I'm still angry over what she did. Yes, I still feel like plan B. When I moved back into my home I wasn't sure what to expect. My first reaction was everything was great. We had low key holidays together with the kids, communicated better and did more together. We go to church and I tried to find a spiritual path that would help ease the pain and move forward. What I found is you cannot rush this. It is extremely variable. People weren't kidding when they said R was hard. If there is no way for me to emotionally shake these feelings I don't think I will be able to continue. It is ruining our sexual relationship. I am starting to feel uncomfortable with her sexually. It is starting to become a turn off. I'm not sure if this is normal in a one year phase or what. If most BS's just suck it up and move forward I have no clue. I did not demand her to get rid of the ring. We explored those options, discussed it and she took that upon herself. She did the same with her wedding dress before I found out. To be honest, I was sad when she got rid of her dress. I did not know why she was doing that at the time. In retrospect I thought this was kind of weird. She played it off like nothing though at the time and said her girlfriends have done the same. She did deposit the $1300 in our bank We just used that as bonus money for the kids xmas. If I still feel like this in say a year yes I would definitely consider a formal separation to see if there were any feeling changes. I still consider my wife to be a good friend. I just feel off I guess.
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 We do go to counseling yes. I've shared these feelings with him as well. When I bring up my feelings I seem to get that I'm stuck in the past and have to look in the future. At times it makes me feel like both want this to be rug swept on moved on from. Yes, I'm still angry over what she did. Yes, I still feel like plan B. When I moved back into my home I wasn't sure what to expect. My first reaction was everything was great. We had low key holidays together with the kids, communicated better and did more together. We go to church and I tried to find a spiritual path that would help ease the pain and move forward. What I found is you cannot rush this. It is extremely variable. People weren't kidding when they said R was hard. If there is no way for me to emotionally shake these feelings I don't think I will be able to continue. It is ruining our sexual relationship. I am starting to feel uncomfortable with her sexually. It is starting to become a turn off. I'm not sure if this is normal in a one year phase or what. If most BS's just suck it up and move forward I have no clue. Well said...it's manic at times walking through recovery. Some days both spouses feel like tossing in the towel because it's easier than recovery. I'm glad to hear you are in counseling. Healing cannot be rushed...its a slow, painful process and you tip toe there. All you can do is be honest with yourself and her about how you are feeling and it sounds like you are doing that and it sounds like you are trying for recovery too. I was told it takes two years for most couples to recover. I don't know how someone can put a time frame on it, but I think two years of trying to find peace and forgiveness is more than enough effort. Ask her why she sold the ring. Of course that hurt you.
Author jm2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 You stated your W had daily contact with her OM for 2 years then the phone just stopped when you found out. Have you checked to be sure she doesn't have a newer burner phone? From your postings she hasn't exactly been forthcoming and given you everything you need to have complete peace of mind about what she's done... How much have you checked on her and could she still be communicating with him and hiding it better? That's correct. It just up and stopped as far as I know. I do believe she loved OM and he loved her. Never in a million years would she ever bring a burner phone near our house. She knows better. This would all be confined to work. She's too open with her accounts and phone at home to be doing anything like that from those devices at least. She definitely COULD be still communicating with him. He left his FB profile wide open and I'm sure that was for that reason if she ever wanted to check in on him and look at where his life is. Perhaps they speak over some messenger just to check up on each other and see how life is going. I'm not really too sure. I'd like to say no, she isn't. I'm no longer that naive. I know what she had done, what she capable of and know there could be much more. Over time there appeared to be some gaps in what she said. I know as a WS her mission is to minimize what it really was. Reality is they worked together m-f 8 hours per day and grew a close relationship. All it took was a couple of arguments for her to drop her panties for him and when the affair allegedly started. She also told me he tried to kiss in in I think 2011 which she also hid from me. The way she phrased it is weird in my opinion. She told me he tried to kiss her (which he did) because she said she rushed home and washed her mouth out. That tells me they did kiss, she felt guilty and came home. If she was all loving for me and caring she would NOT have let him kiss her and would have rushed home and told me he tried to do this so I could drive up there and have a few words with him. She did nothing of the sort and kept this hidden. Like she left him on the back burner until the time was right where she felt comfortable to spread her legs for him. I've heard my wife try to minimize this all too much to the point it just sounds ridiculous. Here are a few exact quotes from her "You are bigger than him" "He has a small package" "He was extremely needy" "He was very feminine" "He was expressionless when he finished" "Sex wasn't good" "He was cunning" I have no clue what is true and what isn't. She tried to make it sound like she was exchanging sex for his emotional support. She has changed as well with me. She used to try and hide her body a lot cause she's all self conscious. Pre D-Day I used to tell her that was a turn off. I HATED when she used to complain about her body all day and hide. It was just weird to me. I don't think I've been with such a complainer about themselves in my life. Most of the girls I dated were really self confident about themselves and would even pose all sexy in the mirror lol. This one was complete opposite.
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