Questions for the OW/mistress...or the OM

[confusedwifey81]

Hello I am a BS. You can read my back story if you would like, it's a little too long to post here. However I am wanting some insight from the OW since my H's OW female friend would never talk to me anyway.

 

So what I was wondering about is the "future faking". Do the MM really mean these things they promise you? Also when a MM says he wished he'd met you first does he mean that if he had met you AND his wife at the same time he would have picked you? Or if he met you first, he never would have got with his wife? Do you believe your MM when he has/had said things like this?

 

My H asked his OW "why did you have to cut me off back then? We could have been together today and very happy".

 

She knew him before me. We have only known each other 4 years, married for 3. H and I are in our 30's, OW is in her 20's.

[FusionCutter]

Hello I am a BS. You can read my back story if you would like, it's a little too long to post here. However I am wanting some insight from the OW since my H's OW female friend would never talk to me anyway.

 

So what I was wondering about is the "future faking". Do the MM really mean these things they promise you? Also when a MM says he wished he'd met you first does he mean that if he had met you AND his wife at the same time he would have picked you? Or if he met you first, he never would have got with his wife? Do you believe your MM when he has/had said things like this?

 

My H asked his OW "why did you have to cut me off back then? We could have been together today and very happy".

 

She knew him before me. We have only known each other 4 years, married for 3. H and I are in our 30's, OW is in her 20's.

 

I think MM that are evil realized that Future Faking is a powerful tool that can used to string the OW along.. for almost indefinitely.

 

It gives them the biggest rush thinking the OW thinks the MM is being genuine and loving and seeing a definite future.

 

However, the OW will usually realize that the MM has no intention to leave his wife. Future faking also leads to the most pain for the OW.

 

If the MM at the beginning said "Look, I'm not ever able to leave my wife and kids." then at least the honesty of that statement would make the OW feel better. But it probably mitigates the excitement for the MM.

 

It's pretty rare that the MM ever leaves (esp if he has kids). In my opinion, most MM that just want a OW on the side virtually never mean these things. And that unfortunately is what hurts the OW the most.

[confusedwifey81]

I think MM that are evil realized that Future Faking is a powerful tool that can used to string the OW along.. for almost indefinitely.

 

It gives them the biggest rush thinking the OW thinks the MM is being genuine and loving and seeing a definite future.

 

However, the OW will usually realize that the MM has no intention to leave his wife. Future faking also leads to the most pain for the OW.

 

If the MM at the beginning said "Look, I'm not ever able to leave my wife and kids." then at least the honesty of that statement would make the OW feel better. But it probably mitigates the excitement for the MM.

 

It's pretty rare that the MM ever leaves (esp if he has kids). In my opinion, most MM that just want a OW on the side virtually never mean these things. And that unfortunately is what hurts the OW the most.

 

Yes but these words that hurt the OW also hurt the BS. No one wants to know their spouse said these things. I don't know what is true in my marriage anymore. Do you think it's a possibility that these men "think" they mean it at the time? Or maybe they "wish" even though they know it can't be?

 

I think my H actually did really like his OW. She is very pretty, smart and kind. I don't see why any man would lie about wanting to be with her.... Even if it just was wishful thinking... He may have meant it

 

What about the MM that aren't evil? My H isn't evil at all and he seemed to really care for her and make getting back with me an easier process for her to deal with

[Summer Breeze]

DMM never future faked. He dreamed. He always said he would never leave his W but it never stopped him from imagining what life with us together would be. I never really bought into it because I took him at his word and believed he was never leaving home. It was what HE needed, not what I needed.

 

When he spoke about meeting me in the past it was never before he met his W but before they had kids. Looking back I assume that means he may have contemplated leaving if there hadn't been children involved.

 

I did believe him with both. His future dreaming wasn't really anything more than musings but I could tell he desperately did want to make it happen. I did believe him when he said he wished he'd met me sooner.

 

I have no idea if most MM are sincere when they do this. I would imagine a lot truly want what they're saying but if they were honest with themselves they're too cowardly to do anything about it.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Summer Breeze

[confusedwifey81]

DMM never future faked. He dreamed. He always said he would never leave his W but it never stopped him from imagining what life with us together would be. I never really bought into it because I took him at his word and believed he was never leaving home. It was what HE needed, not what I needed.

 

When he spoke about meeting me in the past it was never before he met his W but before they had kids. Looking back I assume that means he may have contemplated leaving if there hadn't been children involved.

 

I did believe him with both. His future dreaming wasn't really anything more than musings but I could tell he desperately did want to make it happen. I did believe him when he said he'd met me sooner.

 

I have no idea if most MM are sincere when they do this. I would imagine a lot truly want what they're saying but if they were honest with themselves they're too cowardly to do anything about it.

 

The "dreaming" does sound more accurate than "future faking" with my H. I thnk you are right, he may have realized he was too cowardly to move forward and end things with me. also our kids are very close to each. We do not have any biological children and he doesn't want any. But when he was friends with his OW he told her if they had stayed together or gotten together back than that they probably would hav kids of their own together. That hurt so much because H has always told me he didn't want anymore kids. He never fantasied it with me like he did with her. Why tell the OW thing you would never tell your spouse? I see BS being so hurt over the words and kind sentiments he shared with OW because mainly he was not expressing it to her...

[Versailles]

In your case, it sounds like your H loved this OW even before she became the OW since he knew her first, so perhaps he did really dream what it would have been like if they had been together in the first place (sorry this is not what you want to hear...). I don't think he purposely meant to mislead and he may have thought it was genuine at the time if but you should also know that he eventually recognized it for the daydream that it was and decided to choose the real person that was already in his life - you.

 

I was a BS years before I met my soulmate and became OW, so I guess I see both sides of the fence now. You shouldn't worry about what he might have said to OW or not, just focus on your reconciliation and know that ultimately, he decided to choose you.

 

Yes but these words that hurt the OW also hurt the BS. No one wants to know their spouse said these things. I don't know what is true in my marriage anymore. Do you think it's a possibility that these men "think" they mean it at the time? Or maybe they "wish" even though they know it can't be?

 

I think my H actually did really like his OW. She is very pretty, smart and kind. I don't see why any man would lie about wanting to be with her.... Even if it just was wishful thinking... He may have meant it

 

What about the MM that aren't evil? My H isn't evil at all and he seemed to really care for her and make getting back with me an easier process for her to deal with

[confusedwifey81]

In your case, it sounds like your H loved this OW even before she became the OW since he knew her first, so perhaps he did really dream what it would have been like if they had been together in the first place (sorry this is not what you want to hear...). I don't think he purposely meant to mislead and he may have thought it was genuine at the time if but you should also know that he eventually recognized it for the daydream that it was and decided to choose the real person that was already in his life - you.

 

I was a BS years before I met my soulmate and became OW, so I guess I see both sides of the fence now. You shouldn't worry about what he might have said to OW or not, just focus on your reconciliation and know that ultimately, he decided to choose you.

 

Thank you for the kind words but that's the issue. He chose me and I can't help but wonder if it was just easier? Or because both our kids were having a very hard time? Because it was easier financially? His family put a lot of pressure on him to work it out with me. He could have chosen me by obligation or because like the other poster said he is too cowardly to really make these changes. He chose me but would have preferred her in a perfect world...I don't feel like I won much of a prize

[torn87]

That's a conversation your going to have to have with him. Tell him you feel like he might be staying with you out of obligation or duty or other outside pressures. You definitely have to be bare naked honest about your needs and wants same goes for him. Otherwise you'll all end up back in this mess.

 

Its hard to say of he meant it when he said those things to her or not but ultimately it doesn't matter. What matters now above all else is do you want him? And if so does he want you? If either one of you are unsure even slightly you need to take a break. I was an OW and the cheating spouse at the same time and I can't tell you how enlightening my couples counseling and individual counseling has been in recovering and figuring out what's best for me and also my husband.

 

I am so sorry for your pain I really hope you get what you want and find happiness.

[Divasu]

I don't feel like I won much of a prize

 

You didn't....

 

I would NEVER date a married man. Sounds like your husband and this woman are perfect for one another. Let her have him.

[confusedwifey81]

You didn't....

 

I would NEVER date a married man. Sounds like your husband and this woman are perfect for one another. Let her have him.

 

Actually me and my H were separated at the time and I had moved out. He told me about her. She refused to openly date him or sleep with him until he was divorced. I don't even know if technically she is his OW. That's the thing as well, she didn't act like she necessarily wanted him...which makes me think he came crawling back with his tail between his legs. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him no she wouldn't wait.

[Got it]

confused, we can speculate but only your husband can tell you what he was thinking, feeling, etc. I know you are looking for guidance, reassurance and answer but unfortunately we can't provide those for you; only he can.

 

I recc therapy as well and giving yourself time to sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do. Most recommend a year before making a decision but it is all a very personal decision.

 

For myself, I was a MOW and I did not future fake as I was done with the marriage and divorced during the affair. My AP did discuss the future, which I asked to be minimized as much as possible, and he did divorce and we married.

 

Some people say things and for them they are factual and going to follow through, others fantasy/day dream, and for others it can be manipulation. It is going to vary by person.

 

At the end of the day what really matters now is what is he doing to prove to you that he is worth a second shot and worth you recommitting to you. He should be moving heaven and earth to prove it to you. One thing to research are the discussions on regret and remorse. You want remorse.

 

Good luck, wishing you the best.

[truncated]

Actually me and my H were separated at the time and I had moved out. He told me about her. She refused to openly date him or sleep with him until he was divorced. I don't even know if technically she is his OW. That's the thing as well, she didn't act like she necessarily wanted him...which makes me think he came crawling back with his tail between his legs. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him no she wouldn't wait.

 

Reading your posts, a few things jump out at me as being so incredibly inconsistent hat they don't make sense.

 

You indicae that the ow said she wouldn't be with him openly until the divorce was final, yet she was more than willing to engage in long conversations about their future children, their futire toegether, and how it's too bad they hadn't stayed together in the first place. If that was what she wnated, why even engage in these conversations in the first place? Why not tell him to leave her alone, at least until the ink on the divorce decree was dry?

 

I have male friends. i don't discuss things like that with them. Would you?

 

Sorry, but this dosn't jive with a woman who was being nice and was witing. It sounds more like someone who knew just what to say to hook the guy, and he knew just what to say to keep her waiting.

 

This is what I mean by saying soemthing doesn't jive. It seems like you are being told the things that they think you want to hear.

 

( btw, for a real life example of a simialr situation, read up on the romance between Anee Bolynn and henry the eigth....seems both your husband and his ow took a few lessons from them)

[Divasu]

Actually me and my H were separated at the time and I had moved out. He told me about her. She refused to openly date him or sleep with him until he was divorced. I don't even know if technically she is his OW. That's the thing as well, she didn't act like she necessarily wanted him...which makes me think he came crawling back with his tail between his legs. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him no she wouldn't wait.

 

I tend to have a very closed mind with this particular subject, it actually makes me angry. So, I'm probably a bit too biased to entertain the subject in its entirety. Every now and then when these threads pop up, I get curious to read about the dark side of marriage, since it seems to be a fairly common phenomenon.

 

So, I hope you find the answers you seek in your marriage, and come out of this in tact. The devastation of being in such a predicament, especially if/when children are involved, is so deeply unfortunate.

[preraph]

Sounds like he had a thing for her back then and still does. Sorry. He shouldn't have gotten married carrying that around. But always remember, if he had been living with her the last 4 years, he'd probably be sick of her and cheating on her just like he is with you. So sorry you're in that situation. Sometimes the best thing to do is run them off, let them get with the one they are idealizing and find out they're human too. She rejected him once, she'll probably do it again or else set high standards that he isn't willing to meet.

[Quiet Storm]

I think most MM are very flawed and emotionally immature, with very little insight into their own behavior.

 

It's not really about OW or BS or who MM genuinely loves. It's about MM and his issues, and who makes him feel the best about himself. OW or BS's individual personalities are redundant, because it's about the role they play and what they do for him.

 

If MM genuinely loved a woman, he would have her best interests at heart. Most MM can't see past their own needs, and what is in the best interests of BW or OW doesn't cross his mind. So the "love of a MM" is not really love as most of us would define it. It's a love based on what is being done for him. He loves cheeseburgers because they satisfy his hunger, motorcycles because they provide excitement, action movies because he is entertained. MM love OW the same way- she satisfies him, excites him, entertains him. There is a difference between having genuine care and concern for a person and loving what they can do for you, but MM don't see that because they are so self centered.

 

Usually OW begin affairs feeling very loved because MM is so free with romantic words and gestures. And I do believe that often MM is genuinely giddy with "love" feelings, which prompt him to be nice & sweet to OW, and give her a false sense of security. But when OW want something deeper, when they want him to leave, when they have expectations of MM (other than romance), it slowly changes. And MM will disappoint, which means OW will be less likely to satisfy, excite or entertain him... and the romance will become intermittent and push-pull, and OW will eventually see MM is full of crap.

 

So it's very likely that if MM would have ended up with OW, she would have been the one who ended up with a very flawed and emotionally immature husband. Once it got comfortable or once he disappointed her, he'd find an OW that will happily pile on the compliments and kisses because they don't know the real him (yet).

 

Since you are the BW, the best way for you to look at is that your husband's love is not something to value because it's very flawed. I know that's not a comforting thought, but it's reality that your husband has issues if he is capable of doing this. OW may have gotten promises or romance, but it would be like a 5 year old telling his friend he's taking him on a vacation to the moon, or a heroin addict promising Mom he'll pay back the $20 he stole out of her purse. The promise maker & future faker is unreliable, immature and untrustworthy and this renders the promises bull5hit.

[Versailles]

I don't know your H so I can't comment on why he decided to choose you, perhaps you could ask him why he decided to end it with OW and work things out in his marriage with you?

 

No 2 situations are exactly the same so I wouldn't advise anything further than continuing to work out the reconciliation with him (I'm assuming he is sincere about the reconciliation here). Honestly I can understand your feelings about perhaps not being his first choice in a perfect world, but fact is, he is not in his perfect world and has made his choice to choose you. It's better to focus on the here and now rather than some alternate world which he might or might not prefer.

 

Also to share with you the OW perspective (my views anyway, others may or will disagree), I know my MM will choose W over me anyday for the sake of his kids and his obligation to do right by W who has stuck with him for the past 10 years faithfully as he knows well she is a good wife and mother though he will never have the same true love feelings he has toward me. It's really not any better knowing that he loves me but will never choose me. Perversely, I am in fact envious of W that MM will put his obligation to his family first and I know that after me, he will never stray from his marriage again. Not that I would get a chance to do so, but I would tell W to cherish MM, in a way, it's good to know that your H would never leave or abandon you.

 

Thank you for the kind words but that's the issue. He chose me and I can't help but wonder if it was just easier? Or because both our kids were having a very hard time? Because it was easier financially? His family put a lot of pressure on him to work it out with me. He could have chosen me by obligation or because like the other poster said he is too cowardly to really make these changes. He chose me but would have preferred her in a perfect world...I don't feel like I won much of a prize

[Toodaloo]

Thank you for the kind words but that's the issue. He chose me and I can't help but wonder if it was just easier? Or because both our kids were having a very hard time? Because it was easier financially? His family put a lot of pressure on him to work it out with me. He could have chosen me by obligation or because like the other poster said he is too cowardly to really make these changes. He chose me but would have preferred her in a perfect world...I don't feel like I won much of a prize

 

He chose you because you are the prize.

 

Having spoken to people who have had affairs or who have partners who have had affairs they always go home. The reason being that they can't get better than what is at home, they know it but they just want to test the waters. They want a bit of excitement, or to feel good about themselves etc... I know one chap who was so flattered by attention that he ran off for a whole 24 hours before running home...

 

I have a friend who has discovered her husbands 4 year affair. She is pretty savy on a PC and has read every email between them. OW tried on many occasions to end the affair and her husband reeled AP back in time and time again with the same old BS. Husband did not ever have any intention of ever leaving his wife. My friend has been supportive beyond reasonable and has dealt with an enormous amount with out him.

 

What stopped the affair? The fact that my friend turned round and told him that he clearly wasn't Gods gift to women and she doesn't know if she wants to stay married to him. After all she has been doing everything herself for years so what would change? She is still trying to work through her emotions and feelings. He is like a rabbit in headlights doing everything he can to keep her.

 

You don't feel like you have "won a prize" for the simple reason - You are the prize not him. Your husband will know this. Where you go from here is up to you. I suggest counselling either way if there are children involved.

[Summer Breeze]

In your case, it sounds like your H loved this OW even before she became the OW since he knew her first, so perhaps he did really dream what it would have been like if they had been together in the first place (sorry this is not what you want to hear...). I don't think he purposely meant to mislead and he may have thought it was genuine at the time if but you should also know that he eventually recognized it for the daydream that it was and decided to choose the real person that was already in his life - you.

 

I was a BS years before I met my soulmate and became OW, so I guess I see both sides of the fence now. You shouldn't worry about what he might have said to OW or not, just focus on your reconciliation and know that ultimately, he decided to choose you.

 

I agree with the part in bold. He chose to be where he is and that is with you. Your choice is what's important though. As GotIt said we can tell you our stories but we don't even know what TRULY went on in our own MMs heads. He chose to be with you and now you have to choose how to move forward.

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you for the kind words but that's the issue. He chose me and I can't help but wonder if it was just easier? Or because both our kids were having a very hard time? Because it was easier financially? His family put a lot of pressure on him to work it out with me. He could have chosen me by obligation or because like the other poster said he is too cowardly to really make these changes. He chose me but would have preferred her in a perfect world...I don't feel like I won much of a prize

 

If he is truly working on reconciling it's not an easy option for him.

 

I think that few MM or MW make a decision based solely on their partner. I think most people will look at the whole package and make their decisions based on that but I don't think for a minute that diminishes you. You've built that life with him. Your kids are happy and blended. You have a history and you built that with him. It is a powerful thing and you are a cornerstone to that power. Yes he may stay because of everything you have together but that is it - everything YOU BOTH BUILT.

[Khy89]

I really don’t want to be mean but there is a big difference in a wife who does not know her husband cheated and a wife who willingly married a cheater who showed her multiple times he was a cheater, even before they married, and now she wants to cry victim.

 

I’m sorry OP, but you are not a victim, you are a volunteer in his foolery. You stated in your own story that your H cheated on you while dating and gave you chlamydia (seriously?!?!?) and then he cheated AGAIN 2 weeks prior to your wedding date! You still married him, despite everything so I don’t believe you are a victim. You knew full well what you were getting yourself into before you married him, but you assumed he would change. Then you go on to say you think he continued to cheat after you married and then here you are, obsessing over some female friend of his. So it’s safe to say you assumed wrong.

 

Then the ONLY reason you wanted to rush back to marriage was because you were JEALOUS of this girlfriend he had. You didn’t even want him until another girl showed him attention. So if that’s the case, it is very plausible your H would PREFER to be with this other girl and stays with you out of obligation (which I’m sorry that is NOT a compliment). Doesn’t sound like either of you are very much in love and you didn’t care until your H diverted all his attention and affection elsewhere with a younger, prettier, more driven girl (all your words).

 

You are seeking sympathy you may or may not deserve, because much like the OW that gets berated on this site, you walked into your marriage EYES WIDE OPEN. You knew you were dealing with a cheater. You are not on the same level as BS that truly believed their H was an honest and faithful man, you stood at the altar and said “I do” to a man you knew was a cheater and a liar. You kissed him and sealed the deal at the altar a mere 2 weeks after he had his mouth only God knows where.

 

Then you are soooo obsessed with the girl, like she owes you anything. You were not with your H, you left and moved out. She is not an OW or a whore, or whatever you think to feel better. This also is not your first go round with your husband’s cheating ways so don’t take it out on this girl. You are not new to this.

 

My advice: Either accept your H as the cheater he is or divorce and find yourself.

 

To all the people telling you that all that matters is that your H chose you, I have this to say: You should not value your H’s choice, it is not noble and more than likely considered himself FIRST. His choice has little to do with your real happiness. Your husband has cheated on you since day ONE, he never truly valued or respected you.

 

My words may be harsh and I'm sorry for your pain but you walked into your situation willingly so there you go

Edited December 4, 2014 by Khy89