reuelle Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Hey guys. Trying to get the male perspective on my situation, please. So Mr. Man and I have been on a break/start over type of thing. We still talk and hang out and all. I missed him, though.. him as my man (even though it really hasn't been different, just no titles) so I asked what I needed to do for us to get back into a real relationship. He said he's still willing to do everything the same and be there for me physically - hang out, help out, and i'm sure even sex, if I let him get away with it, which.. just no - but can't give me the relationship I want as he has a lot going on and it will take time to build things back emotionally. I told him I don't just want something physical, and asked if he was willing to build something again and if I should wait or keep it moving. He didn't respond for two days, during which we just talked about random stuff.. and finally said he can't tell me what to do.. he has a lot going on, maybe he'll think about it after about a month. If I want to wait, good for me, if I want to move on, good for me. What? Lol. I asked why the time-frame and he said no reason. The break/starting over thing was because it's been a rough year.. a lot went on that affected our trust for/in each other. No cheating though (to my knowledge). Also, he does have a lot going on, as do i. I'm just wondering, 1. What is this really about? Why won't he be straight with me? Or is he being straight with me? 2. What do I need to do to "fix this", so to speak? Would waiting be worth it or should I keep it moving and head on over to the Coping section (LOL)? Edited December 2, 2014 by reuelle
PegNosePete Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 He wants to see whether things work out with his other girlfriend or not, first. He's keeping you on the back burner. If things go badly with her, then he'll revive your relationship. Are you happy to be the backup plan? I certainly wouldn't be.
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Hey guys. Trying to get the male perspective on my situation, please. So Mr. Man and I have been on a break/start over type of thing. We still talk and hang out and all. I missed him, though.. him as my man (even though it really hasn't been different, just no titles) so I asked what I needed to do for us to get back into a real relationship. He said he's still willing to do everything the same and be there for me physically - hang out, help out, and i'm sure even sex, if I let him get away with it, which.. just no - but can't give me the relationship I want as he has a lot going on and it will take time to build things back emotionally. I told him I don't just want something physical, and asked if he was willing to build something again and if I should wait or keep it moving. He didn't respond for two days, during which we just talked about random stuff.. and finally said he can't tell me what to do.. he has a lot going on, maybe he'll think about it after about a month. If I want to wait, good for me, if I want to move on, good for me. What? Lol. I asked why the time-frame and he said no reason. The break/starting over thing was because it's been a rough year.. a lot went on that affected our trust for/in each other. No cheating though (to my knowledge). Also, he does have a lot going on, as do i. I'm just wondering, 1. What is this really about? Why won't he be straight with me? Or is he being straight with me? 2. What do I need to do to "fix this", so to speak? Would waiting be worth it or should I keep it moving and head on over to the Coping section (LOL)? He said he can't give you the relationship you want now. The real question here is does he want to give you the relationship you want at all? I would point the question to him that way. He's basically telling you that you can and should date other people and if you find someone who can do that for you sooner, you should go with it. You need to pin him down. Simply, tell him you will be dating others and he can do the same. If he really wants to be with you, he will. I'd date others and give it space and time. See what he does in the meantime. Enjoy dating others and put him out of your mind as best you can. You cannot fix it. It will be what it will be. You doing things to "fix" it will either make things worse or have him be with you just to be with someone until someone different comes along. You trying to "fix" it will make it so you never know if he's sincere or not when/if he's with you. From what you've said here, it does not appear that he's a commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable. Even if he were a commitment phobe, but emotionally available, I'd tell you to wait it out a bit. He doesn't appear to be a commitment phobe, but he doesn't want to commit to you. Saying he needs time is more likely about him fading away or hoping you do. You won't know until you start moving on. 1
Author reuelle Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 @PegNosePete, That was my first thought as well but I know for sure there's no one else.
preraph Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I think he sounds like he wants absolutely no commitment of any type with you on any level and that if you wait around for him, as he said, he can't tell you what to do, which clearly implies it would be a waste of time. He's going to do what he wants to do. If you set no standards and just let him do whatever whenever with you without any hope of commitment, that's on you, and he's made that clear. Because he's moving on. 1
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Listen to what he is telling you, not what you think he is telling you. He said he's still willing to do everything the same and be there for me physically - FWB I told him I don't just want something physical, and asked if he was willing to build something again and if I should wait or keep it moving. He didn't respond for two days...maybe he'll think about it after about a month...I asked why the time-frame and he said no reason. - Again you are just a FWB. He doesn't want to commit to you, if he did, he would be texting you right away, in case someone else snapped you up and he lost you. As it is he is shrugging his shoulders... like he is saying "you win some, you lose some..." He is being perfectly straight with you, but you are not listening. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 As Redhead14 mentioned, the guy's not willing to be committed to you. It doesn't matter to him if you stick around or not. He may change his tune if you were to go no contact, but it's not a guarantee. Also, I highly doubt anything will change in a month if you decide to wait. He'll still say the same thing to you. Regardless, he has been straight with you. It's really your decision if you want to continue investing energy and emotion or not.
Jules Dash Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Sounds like he just can't make up his mind but mostly wants to be able to move on. He is hoping you can help him with the decision. If something comes along that even looks halfway promising, he's out of there and probably should be. All of this stopping and restarting the relationship means you two are really pushing things probably beyond the point that is wise to continue.
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Listen to what he is telling you, not what you think he is telling you. - FWB - Again you are just a FWB. He doesn't want to commit to you, if he did, he would be texting you right away, in case someone else snapped you up and he lost you. As it is he is shrugging his shoulders... like he is saying "you win some, you lose some..." He is being perfectly straight with you, but you are not listening. I understand her confusion though. He should man up and say it straight up. He won't do that because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and have his cake and eat it too.
Author reuelle Posted December 26, 2014 Author Posted December 26, 2014 Thanks so much, you guys. I am sorry I abandoned the thread. The plot has since thickened. Lol. But thanks again for the advice.
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