How to move on when you both grew in the relationship?

[Zard0z]

I made it to the 4 week mark of NC. But we broke up over 2 mos. ago. I did somethings I regret now, I pushed too much after I got mixed signals from her on reconciliation. Anyway, I feel like I'm making some progress now, but I want you to evaluate how I handled it.

 

So after 14 mos. my ex broke up with me back in September. And it was extremely rough for me at first. I had never been through a break up before since Ive never been in a relationship before (Im 27). And I never really got the closure I wanted from it. I feel it comes down to 'losing that feeling' and obstacles like being accepted by family / doubt abou continuing to live in her country.

 

Anyway, I thought was just supposed to do NC at first, but i texted her some practical things and she responded as well, so we kept up MC for about 3 weeks. I was pretty level-headed in what I said after the first fews days (though the breakup call ended with both of us crying). We even had a date with lots of physical contact and caressing.

 

After that we had even more contact, and she totally warmed over. For at least a few days. There were still some rhings about the breakup I wanted to address, and we were avoiding it. We agreed to meet in a coffee shop after work a few days later to talk about things.

 

Before I met her again though, she went a bit colder on SMS again, and then I got bad news about my brother attempting suicide. I couldnt handle it and told her about it. I was really wanting her attention and told her i felt like she was ignoring me. She said 'none of this should happen. Lets talk about it tomorrow'

 

The next day we met Turns out she started having feeling for a guy she was seeing. I asked all the questions, told her how I was ready to start gradschool out here, etc. We both teared/choked-up a lot. I tried to bargain with her and she showed openness to reconciliation after I told her my plans, we left with a hug and goodbye.

 

Unfortunately, I couldnt leave it at that. We went LC and i started pushing her almost the next day about how she felt about my plans and asking her to think teice before she takes things further with the new guy. She gave a noncomittal answer, i pressed her more and got a 'no' but she said something that set me off which was, 'you seem more stable these past few days'.

 

Given everything that had happened with my brother just days earlier, I blew up at her. Called her new guy a rebound and reminded her how I had been solid for her when she was down throughout her graduation and job search.

 

She blocked me. A few drunk dials (no answer), a couple emails, and a dew texts later, she accepted my appology. but told me she didnt want to hear from me anymore.

 

After i appologized, I sent her a 'final confession' email appologizing for some thing things I did that bothered her during our relationship along with a detailed plan of what I would do to secure a living in her country.

 

She responded warmly, thanking me for helping her during her rough times and having a pleasant, warm, and happy year together. She told me that the things I did were never a major issue and that she did something bad because we had become so close. But she told me that it was time to move on.

 

I responded to her email thanking her, and telling her it would help me move on. I also texted her and called her too. She didn't respond.

 

The last contact I made with her was 10/23 to tell her my brother was out of the hospital.

 

Anyway, there it is in all the weepy detail.

 

Dumpers/Dumpees, what's your call?

Edited November 20, 2014 by Zard0z

[Simon Phoenix]

Not sure what you are asking us. You pretty much made every dumpee mistake in the book (calling, pestering, and the incredibly cliche' "letter"). Just stay NC man -- you go NC for your healing, not to change her perception of you. But yeah, I'm not really sure what you are asking.

[lemonsugar]

I made it to the 4 week mark of NC. But we broke up over 2 mos. ago. I did somethings I regret now, I pushed too much after I got mixed signals from her on reconciliation. Anyway, I feel like I'm making some progress now, but I want you to evaluate how I handled it.

 

So after 14 mos. my ex broke up with me back in September. And it was extremely rough for me at first. I had never been through a break up before since Ive never been in a relationship before (Im 27). And I never really got the closure I wanted from it. I feel it comes down to 'losing that feeling' and obstacles like being accepted by family / doubt abou continuing to live in her country.

 

Anyway, I thought was just supposed to do NC at first, but i texted her some practical things and she responded as well, so we kept up MC for about 3 weeks. I was pretty level-headed in what I said after the first fews days (though the breakup call ended with both of us crying). We even had a date with lots of physical contact and caressing.

 

After that we had even more contact, and she totally warmed over. For at least a few days. There were still some rhings about the breakup I wanted to address, and we were avoiding it. We agreed to meet in a coffee shop after work a few days later to talk about things.

 

Before I met her again though, she went a bit colder on SMS again, and then I got bad news about my brother attempting suicide. I couldnt handle it and told her about it. I was really wanting her attention and told her i felt like she was ignoring me. She said 'none of this should happen. Lets talk about it tomorrow'

 

The next day we met Turns out she started having feeling for a guy she was seeing. I asked all the questions, told her how I was ready to start gradschool out here, etc. We both teared/choked-up a lot. I tried to bargain with her and she showed openness to reconciliation after I told her my plans, we left with a hug and goodbye.

 

Unfortunately, I couldnt leave it at that. We went LC and i started pushing her almost the next day about how she felt about my plans and asking her to think teice before she takes things further with the new guy. She gave a noncomittal answer, i pressed her more and got a 'no' but she said something that set me off which was, 'you seem more stable these past few days'.

 

Given everything that had happened with my brother just days earlier, I blew up at her. Called her new guy a rebound and reminded her how I had been solid for her when she was down throughout her graduation and job search.

 

She blocked me. A few drunk dials (no answer), a couple emails, and a dew texts later, she accepted my appology. but told me she didnt want to hear from me anymore.

 

After i appologized, I sent her a 'final confession' email appologizing for some thing things I did that bothered her during our relationship along with a detailed plan of what I would do to secure a living in her country.

 

She responded warmly, thanking me for helping her during her rough times and having a pleasant, warm, and happy year together. She told me that the things I did were never a major issue and that she did something bad because we had become so close. But she told me that it was time to move on.

 

I responded to her email thanking her, and telling her it would help me move on. I also texted her and called her too. She didn't respond.

 

The last contact I made with her was 10/23 to tell her my brother was out of the hospital.

 

Anyway, there it is in all the weepy detail.

 

Dumpers/Dumpees, what's your call?

 

Iits hard you didnt go text book more like she went NC on you at the end. However your brother trying to commit suicide would make 99% of people turn to a recent ex for support. I think self reflection works well in these situations. Maybe leaving her a lone sooner may have been better for your recovery. Hopefully you are on the mend and the only way is forward. Just keep up no contact

[Zard0z]

What Im asking is how bad it looks compared to other people's reactions.

 

Tho I do care about her perception of me Im not worried about it too much considering she forgave me for my short burst of angry texts and the nice things she said about me even in that final email.

 

Now, that those mean she's even close to reconciliation. But i'd rather we walk away hilding eachother in high regard.

[me85]

IMO, she's pretty insensitive in regards to the news about your brother. Sorry to hear about that, btw. You've done what most of us have done at one point or another. Congrats on going NC for an entire month! That's awesome! We all wanted to be able to walk away holding our exes in high regard but no matter how hard we try to do that they're past the point of caring how it goes down. They stopped caring about us before they left us.

 

She's gone. Let her go. Keep doing you.

[Zard0z]

IMO, she's pretty insensitive in regards to the news about your brother. Sorry to hear about that, btw. You've done what most of us have done at one point or another. Congrats on going NC for an entire month! That's awesome! We all wanted to be able to walk away holding our exes in high regard but no matter how hard we try to do that they're past the point of caring how it goes down. They stopped caring about us before they left us.

 

She's gone. Let her go. Keep doing you.

 

She actually can be pretty cold and insensitive.

 

I told her about my dad coming out with all these affairs he had and all the money he had wasted on his affairs. Ibtold her about this befire she came back from a trip to her hometown. I was miserable, but didnt say anything and she said nothing to comfort me until I made it explicit. She admitted she was ignoring it, and then started to listen to me. That's all I wanted :/

 

The next week was our anniversary, and she wrote about how she wanted to he a better person for me. Well I guess she got tired of trying cuz she broke up with me two mos. later.

 

Other things bothered me too, like her not trying to have any kind of positive interaction with her younger brother (and only sibling). She would waver between feeling guilty and knowing it was wrong to saying she didn't care. She never really made any steps to fix it and expected him to do all the work. She talked about looking down on him since childhood (first born male stole the spotlight). Whenever she opened up about why she disliked him so much, she'd contradict herself and then start to get annoyed. He seemed like a slob but, nothing that should cause her to completely shutndown on him.

 

Oh yeah one of her reasons for breaking up with me was that she couldn't get over my height. She was always a lit more sensitive about how tall she was than I was for being shorter than average. BS reason but pretty dang insensitive.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Zard0z

[me85]

She actually can be pretty cold and insensitive.

 

I told her about my dad coming out with all these affairs he had and all the money he had wasted on his affairs. Ibtold her about this befire she came back from a trip to her hometown. I was miserable, but didnt say anything and she said nothing to comfort me until I made it explicit. She admitted she was ignoring it, and then started to listen to me. That's all I wanted :/

 

The next week was our anniversary, and she wrote about how she wanted to he a better person for me. Well I guess she got tired of trying cuz she broke up with me two mos. later.

 

Other things bothered me too, like her not trying to have any kind of positive interaction with her brother.

 

Oh yeah one of her reasons for breaking up with me was that she couldn't get over my height. She was always a lit more sensitive about how tall she was than I was for being shorter than average. BS reason but pretty dang insensitive.

 

 

Sounds like she did you a favor man. I'm really sorry you went through that but it's the past now. It doesn't exists. Don't let your memory hold you hostage to the past. It's hard to redirect your thoughts but you can if you really try.

 

 

What are you doing to take your mind off of her at this point?

[Zard0z]

Im dating someone else, prepping for grad school, working out, etc.

 

I dont need her back, but I want to use the prospect of reconciliation to motivate me and then gradually let go of thst prospect as NC continues.

 

Id also feel like such a badass if she actually came back to me on her own tho. I know how dang solid I was for her. Her friends always told me theyd never seen her so happy. She'd have to recognize what she was doing tho and show signs of working on it.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Zard0z

[Zard0z]

Ahh, also takin a trip to Vietnam for tho holidays, so im psyched about that! She wont even know, hahaha!

[Jsbodhi]

Good for you! I loved vietnam.

Good job on the NC, I'm on day 1 no contact, just broke up yesterday. I called him a ton the first day begging, but not begging too much.

Does the NC get easier?

[Zard0z]

Good for you! I loved vietnam.

Good job on the NC, I'm on day 1 no contact, just broke up yesterday. I called him a ton the first day begging, but not begging too much.

Does the NC get easier?

 

Can I ask how you begged? Like I think I only technically begged on the first breakup call. I asked her to give it a week, which she accepted and broke the next day. Everything else was rather indirect and more questioning of why everything happened the way it did.

[Zard0z]

It was just 14 mos. But both of us became stronger, wiser, more successful and ambitious people during it.

 

Its been over. She dumped me 3 mos. ago. I took it so, so bad. But even still, I'm gowing. It hurts, it still hurts. But through the pain and self-doubt I'm finding worthwhile reflection.

 

I sent her an e-mail telling her how I'm working to move on, and realize that the relationship probably ended at a good time. I wanted to leave open the path to friendship. So I sent it. She didnt respond. Shes in a relationship now and so am I.

 

And I see the potential for growth in my new relationship as well. She seems more loving and grounded than my -ex. It cant be the same, and I dont expect that. This is an entirely new relationship with a whole new dynamic. **I will have to play the more assertive role here** and thats just one more way I hope to grow through this.

 

Yes theres still pain, and some kind of longing for my ex that i hope continues to fade. But I have to believe I'm growing. I have to believe that even if I never hear from her again, I will be a stronger person than when she left me.