CurlyTraveller Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Hey guys, Long story short I moved countries to be with my now ex, who then broke up with me two months later and started seeing one of our mutual friends a week after that. The stress of the breakup combined with a job I didn't like eventually led me to leave everything behind and return home. I posted about this briefly in another thread, but thought it would be good to include some context. Anyway, after about 6 weeks of NC I had something of an epiphany. I saw the relationship clearly for the 1st time ever. I saw how unhappy I was, how I had lost track of myself in the relationship, and understood very clearly just how toxic things had become in those last few months. I realised that the relationship as it was, was unsalvageable, and that the breakup really needed to happen for both our sakes Furthermore, I came to see her moving on so quickly as a blessing in disguise. I realise now that because I was so invested in the relationship (due to moving countries, living together etc), that I never would have truly accepted we were over until she started seeing someone else. So by her doing what she did, although it made me feel hurt and betrayed, she actually sped up my grieving process and eventual recovery. Coming to these realisations was like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I forgave her instantly. I forgave her for not trying harder to make things work, and I forgave her for moving on so fast without consideration for my feelings. I even forgave my friend for his role in the break up. This all happened rather suddenly about a week and a half ago. And it brought with it a feeling of euphoria and invincibility that stayed with me right up until yesterday. I am now living back in the same country (same city in fact) that I moved to with my ex. A few weeks after I returned home I got offered a fantastic job working at an international school. So feeling like I hadn't given the place a decent chance the first time around thought "**** it!" and came back. I've been here now exactly a week. A day or so before I arrived I received an email from my ex. She had heard rumours that I was returning and wanted confirmation. I replied, perfectly innocently and without any ulterior motive, that yes the rumours were true, I hoped she was well, and that it might be good to get together for a coffee once I had settled in. I didn't really expect a reply, and lo and behold I didn't get one. In the interim I had been working through some exercises from UnBreaking Hearts ? Mend Your Heart And Love Again, which had REALLY helped me put things in perspective and start to move on, but then came yesterdays worksheet "defining your ideal partner". As I worked through the questions I came to the sinking realisation that at least 75% of what I was writing applied DIRECTLY to my ex. Well that was a kick in the guts. It made me feel like absolute ****. It's like I've gone right back to the grieving stage, remembering all the good stuff from the relationship and wondering if I'll ever find someone else like her. The stupid thing is I KNOW I will, and I KNOW that we weren't right for each other. But it still hurts. I can honestly say that I don't want her back, but I miss her being a part of my life, and the idea that maybe she doesn't want me in her life AT ALL hurts me more than I think it should. I even sent her a little text message today in the hopes of re-establishing some form of communication. Stupid I know. I guess my question is: did I do something wrong here guys (besides the text message obviously)? Is this normal what I'm going though? I feel like I've done everything that I was supposed to do. I kept no contact, I focused on myself, I dated other girls. Until just a few days ago I felt on top of the world. How can it be that I've slipped backwards so suddenly? Edited December 2, 2014 by CurlyTraveller
lindsay91313 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Of course it's normal! You're grieving the loss of someone who was a major part of your life. I think you are doing the right thing by giving the city another chance because it seems like you enjoy being there. I known it's rough, but you really shouldn't be sending your ex text messages. You are only knocking yourself back and it's just going to start rolling those what-if tapes in your head; just remind yourself to not go there. It sounds to me like you are certainly on the road to getting back to what you should be focusing on. Stay strong and remember that everything you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal in the moving on process.
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