I can't take it anymore!!! (No one likes reading long posts, this is one of them)

[gd1039]

Im lying in bed dead tired but I can't sleep because my heart is beating faster and faster, it's ts harder and harder to breath, I get nervous just thinking about her.

 

 

I've been out with this girl from work twice, and talked with her plenty at work and on the phone in recent months. She was away at school, so thats why there has been a delay in this whole thing.

 

Basically, I'm too chicken s*** to make a move on her to actually show I'm interested because I actually like her and other than the fact she will talk to and hang out with me, I have no certain idea she is interested as well. Everyone is afraid of rejection, but over the past year I have gotten a ton better with not really caring about rejection and rather just taking the chance. I just can't do it with this girl. There have been dates I've gone on where I was attracted to the girl, and interested in getting to know her, but after talking to her a couple times (or less) I realized she was not my type (or I wasn't hers).

 

This time is far different, I've gotten to know this girl a little more and more each time we talk, and I still want to know a lot more. That's the problem, I know her more than some girl I've only talked to a couple times and I know I am interested in her, so it makes taking the risk of rejection sooo much more difficult.

 

I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I should have done when we were out the other day. Believe me I had plenty of oportunities but I was to afraid to do anything.

 

I've got reasons to believe she is just as unsure about me as I am about her, but I've also got reasons to believe she just wants a good friend (this one is a little more skeptical than the first).

 

I know the only way to solve this is to actually do something, and usually 1/4 of the amount of anxiety that has engulfed me is all it takes to make me do something and get my answer, but it's not working this time.

 

Would it be the end of the world if I got turned down? Of course not. However, I have not had a girlfriend in quite a while, and despite a number of dates and meeting different girls, I haven't found anyone that interests me like she does. There is no one that I know that I can talk to about this because 1. I don't like talking about myself to people 2. No one I would actually tell could give me any decent advice. and 3. It's embarrassing that there is a girl I really like and I can't bring myself to try and hold her hand, put my arm around her, hug her, or anything. I've got no problem doing this and flirting with other girls I know that I am only miniscuelly (sp?) "interested" in, it's only with this girl.

 

I don't even feel like I act like my complete self when I am around her, because I'm so nervous.

 

Alright, thats my rant. Hopfeully someone can manage to read my rambling and give me some advice/encouragement.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Next time you go out with her (which you have already done twice, so you should not have trouble doing it again), just do something that kind of suggests it is a date. See if she gets the idea. Go for a long walk on the beach (or whatever substitutes in your area, if you don't have a beach). Take her out to eat, but do it at a nice little Italian restaurant with a candle on the table, and you pick up the check. Most importantly, don't rush things. Be her friend for a while, talk about life, go out with her a lot more, and see if you get a feeling from her that there is more there (you can usually do this without even asking). Often friends become the best lovers, and I have always believed that if a lover you are in a relationship with is not also your good friend, there is something really wrong. Most of very-long-term happily married couples I have known (who were not getting divorced or seriously contemplating doing so) have told me that the most important thing about their relationship, is the underlying friendship. I'm sure it will work out how it should. But remember, before you settle into "just a friend" mode and the thought of being more than that with you becomes awkward, you should be sending her at least some signals that you want to take the relationship further. Good luck.

[Sukotto]

Yeah be subtle and try and judge the situtation. The best way is the hair stroking test! If you stroke her hair and she doesn't give you a "What the **** did you just do?" look or pulls away then your in with a shot. Do it again to be sure and then give her a kiss.

 

Just keep thinking of positive things, best way to avoid getting shy. Confidence is what its all about.

[gd1039]

How's coffee monday afternoon sound, because thats what we're doing.

 

Something that hinted a little more at a date would have been better, but shes working a lot this week, and I'm back in school, so there wasn't much time available to us both. I'll still have the oportunity to pay for her though, which I have done the other times we have gone out even if she offered to get her part, so that might help show things a little more.

 

WithOrWithouYou - I don't completely agree on the friends into lovers thing (even though this is loosely what that is) but I do 110% agree that in a relationship you have to be eachothers best friend for it to work good. I don't think enough people realize that.

 

Sukotto - I'm terrible at the overly romantic thing (I feel too akward) so I know I'm not going to be able to do the hair thing, but I'm going to start smaller and do something tomorrow, give her a hug when I see her, hold her hand as we walk from my car to the place, anything.

 

And positive things, positive things are what make me feel worse! When I think of positive things, I realize I do like her, and I realize we have a lot in common, then the "worrying" starts. I wonder if she thinks we have as much in common as I think we do and if she likes me or wants a friend or blah blah blah.

 

I did realize something tonight though that may help. I was waiting to give her a call tonight and of course nervous as usual. I was going to try and think of a way for me to change my thinking, so I don't wonder about the situation and just focus on being myself and letting it play out or whatever. Well, it didn't last long before I decided to stop thinking and just call. I was a little nervous right off the bat, but we started talking and laughing, and it was the same thing that happens everytime I talk with her, fun conversation.

 

So, maybe for tomorrow I need to clear my head and not think about anything to do with this, just know what I want to do and do it. It worked with the phone tonight, and its worked for me in the past, so maybe this is it.

 

Ill give another update tomorrow.

[Sukotto]

Hmm, coffee?

 

Thats a usual first date for me, to assess if the girl is a complete psychopath or to see if we actually "click". I always make sure it lasts around 30 minutes and I always make sure I have plans afterwards for two reasons.

1. to escape if she's a complete fruit loop

2. if its going well then its actually short enough to avoid any awkward silences and she gets a good impression

 

 

Just dont think of the bad things! You've got your head set on this girl but if you dont get her remember that there are hundres, probably thousands that would say yes. Its just finding them thats the problem, I've probably spoken to a hundred girls this month. Out of them i'd say about 50% had a partner, out of whats left about 20% I just didn't click with and another 20% weren't looking for anyone. I got 7 emails / phone numbers so far, now whats the worse that i've had happen to me while talking to all these girls?

 

One just said "i'm not interested" and turned away, people aren't rude by nature and most girls will be happy to have a conversation with you. It takes confidence and time but bad things generally dont happen.

 

From what you've said I think she does like you, but you need to be confident. Just keep thinking in your head "she likes me", good luck!

[Lights]

Originally posted by Sukotto

Its just finding them thats the problem, I've probably spoken to a hundred girls this month. Out of them i'd say about 50% had a partner, out of whats left about 20% I just didn't click with and another 20% weren't looking for anyone.

 

You talked to 100 girls this month? I'm impressed. How'd you arrange that? I'm having a hard time encountering or even seeing from a distance ten women in the age range I'd look to pick up in a month's time.

[gd1039]

Originally posted by Lights

I'm having a hard time encountering or even seeing from a distance ten women in the age range I'd look to pick up...

 

lol, this made me laugh.

 

Sukotto - I do realize there are thousands of other girls out there that are all possibilities. I have gone on a number of dates over the past year and met or known even more girls and I haven't found someone I clicked with until now.

 

I don't want to give off the impression that I am some shut-in who has never seen a girl in his life, meets one (I'm not sure how because he never leave the house) and fall for her instantly. I understand that every girl you meet isn't going to be right for you (or you for her) but eventually you find someone who is. Sure, there have been girls I have gone on a date or two with or even just known and I liked, but it was just a mild interest.

 

She's not just some pretty face that I am interested in, she is different than any girl I've met. Being in college, as different as everyone is, a lot of people seem the same, not her. I mean look, I can't even keep any of my posts short,

 

EDIT---

Ohh yea, and about the coffee thing being a first date. The first time we went out (months ago) we actually went for coffee. The reason I suggested it again is only because either of us is only free for a couple hours in the afternoon tomorrow and it seemed like the easiest match. But, I too do the coffee thing first to weed out the weirdos.

[Sukotto]

Lights,

 

I just talk to girls wherever I meet them. Coffee shops, book stores, mall and the good old classic bar. Just go where your more likely to bump into the sort of girl your after. I just go to the coffee shops / book shops around the universities since thats where I'm more likely to find students.

[gd1039]

I'm an idiot.

 

3 hours, 3 stinking hours we are out and I do the same thing I've done all along...nothing. Well, I did touch her hand once or twice as we were talking, but that I'm almost embarrassed to even mention doing that. Once again, aside from me paying for her not much to suggest it was anything. I do feel more confident she likes me, but I'm still a chump. I've got to get 100% over this the next time I see her, which probably won't be until this weekend.

 

I 've really got nothing to say, I'm immensly disapointed in myself.

 

I guess a good question to ask at this point, what would you do if you were in my shoes? (Not that anyone would want to be there in the first place.)

[gd1039]

Alright, I couldn't take it anymore when I made my first post. Now its out of control.

 

The focus of this whole thing has shifted from me being afraid to actually show her I like her to feeling like s*** because I haven't done anything yet. It was bad enough that I didn't do something 3 days ago when I saw her but at least I had a chance for something today. Now because I'm a fool I have to torture myself with all of this until Friday.

 

What makes it even worse is that I'm going to be racking my brains about what an idiot I am and whether or not she likes me and I'll probably find out she just wants to be friends.

 

I really need some help here.

 

EDIT. (My god I can't stop can I? )

Ok I know this is usually the type of thing that backfires, but I'll throw it out there. What if I call her up tonight and just spill the beans? I mean how worse can it be then if I wait until the next time I actually see her or go out with her, to see if I actually have the guts to do something (still with the possibility of being turned down). Say I call her and say something like "So listen, I don't know if you've noticed but I like you, and I've been too nervous to actually show it."

 

Either she will say something that agrees with me, or she will be suprised and think we were only friends. Even if I get turned down like this, would it be any worse than dragging it on any longer to still have the same chance of getting turned down (in person too)?

 

Try and give me a response ASAP, because I'd like to do this this evening before I go to work, but if I had to I could wait one more day. I really just want to figure this all out.

[Sukotto]

Sounds like you have really low self confidence or your just not use to being around woman. Best suggestion is to find some females purely as friends and hang about with them so you know how to act. I guess I've always found it easy since as far as I can remember my female friends outnumber my male friends two to one. Though sometimes I can be bit too friendly

 

I'd go for just tell her how you feel, but please do what I do when I'm in nervous. Write down in advance what you plan to talk about, just bullet points so that if all thoughts do fly out your head that you wont have one of those awkward silences. Leave the telling her how you feel until your getting ready to hang up.

[gd1039]

FINALLY!!!!

 

I just got off the phone with her, and it went VERY well. It started out bad, she was inside a building and couldn't hear me because her signal was fading so I had to repeat myself about 3 times before she actually heard me. Talk about tough.

 

She said I shouldn't be nervous and that shes glad I said something because she likes me too, but is too shy herself to say anything.

 

I feel very very relieved now.

 

I want to thank everyone here for the help/support too.

 

And, to answer some of your comments sukotto - 90% of my friends/acquaintances are girls, and I have no problem flirting with them, but I agree its low self esteem. Thanks again for your help.

[Sukotto]

Well done man!

 

Low self esteem is easy to fix, it involves just recognising that negative thoughts are bad and a quick resolution to stop them. You should be able to google for some free help guides. I suffered from the same thing in regards to girls, I always thought that they wouldn't want me etc.