Joseph z Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Okay so it's kind of a long story but here goes. I got into a relationship with this girl when I was 18 (7 years ago) and we've been living together since. She was my friends little sister, and had a 1 and a half year-old baby when we got together. She had the baby when she was 16 and the dad wasn't apart of his life and didn't pay child support. So I did my best to provide for them and have been letting him call me dad this whole time. I kind of got with her because her family would not let her stay at their house. It was weird, the baby could stay there but she wasn't allowed. I think she may have stolen money or something I don't know for sure, but she was literally sleeping under a bridge. I wasn't very good with girls and she was very pretty so I took it on. So it's been a long hard road this last 7 years. She has anxiety and depression issues and I could never successfully encourage her to work. I think she has a 6th grade education at best. I helped her get her drivers license and we got on food stamps and I've been working making 12 an hour trying to get ahead but to no avail. As for the little boy, jasper, he also has many emotional problems. He is on medicine for ADHD because he cannot function in school. We got him into preschool and he was kicked out. He was kicked out of the boys and girls club. He was expelled from elementary school in the first grade and we have been driving him 30 min away to an alternative school. My family has gone along with this whole thing, although they have let me know that I was making big sacrifices doing this. I really should have went to college because I graduated at the top of my class in high school and would have had scholarships. So that's what I decided to do. I've been taking night classes and working 40 hrs a week too. In the end, I drove her away because I want someone that is going to work as hard as I do in life and be a partner. I just feel so guilty because I know she's going to lose the kid and maybe be homeless. She has moved back to her home state and still doesn't have him in shook after 3 months. She's traded the truck I helped her get to have somewhere to stay. But that's almost up. She calls me asking for money and I send her fifty bucks but that's peanuts. She wants me to call the kid and talk to him but I don't know what to say when he asks me when he is coming home. I know in my mind that I need to move on and find a girl at college but I feel so damn bad and wish I could fix everything for them. Also, the club scene and dating scene seem so strange to me since I skipped it and went straight into family life for the last 7 years. I just wanted to post on here and get some feedback on all this.
Omei Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Doesn't sound like shes willing to help herself much in life and you're basically crutching her. You have put in years of help, more than the average and there hasn't been much progress has there? Its time for you to give this up and seek happiness with a stable woman. You cannot fix them, she has to do it herself and if you stay you wont be helping as she must know by now she can fall on your pity. Edited December 2, 2014 by Omei
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Also, the club scene and dating scene seem so strange to me since I skipped it and went straight into family life for the last 7 years. Never really understood that scene even back when I was a kid...seems like all the things people almost universally claim they hate about high school -- cliques, preening, posing, etc. -- but "concentrated" and "undisguised".... Anyway, yeah you should feel bad about abandoning her -- 'cause you're a human being. But can you really be her caretaker, or are you just tired of it? 'Cause if you honestly can't care for her (and by extension her kid and their issues) then of course you're doing the right thing, when one considers that any relationship is first and foremost about mutual benefit. If it's just a matter of being tired of always being the sole go-to in the relationship, then yeah, well, you're doing the right thing here, too -- considering that any relationship...is about mutual benefit. But in the former case there's nothing you can do, even if you wanted to -- it's a case of trying to eat and drink for her, which is impossible (you can put food and drink before her but you can't eat and drink them for her) -- while in the latter case it's slightly different: you've been feeding her but feel like she's eating you out of food and larder. So in the former case it's just impossible, whereas in the latter case it's highly undesirable. Morality -- which is the basis for your feelings of guilt -- would absolve you in the former and set very high standards in the latter.... Hope that helps. A good rule of thumb, if you really want to be a saint (and if not, then just admit it and be done with this whole situation -- though of course your conscience doesn't seem to let you off that easily, thankfully), is that the harder option is usually the correct one, morally (that's the whole point of morals, after all).
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 You cannot fix them, she has to do it herself and if you stay you wont be helping as she must know by now she can fall on your pity. Of course not. I think he's not asking a "practical" question, though, but a "philosophical" one...he realizes he can't fix them, which is why he kicked 'em out. What's bothering him is his conscience. It's natural for emotionally/psychologically health human beings to empathize with others' plight, especially if professions of true undying love were ever uttered. I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself, though with a weird twist: I'm leaving my five-year live-in relationship even though for the past year it's been only her that's been materially supporting us -- and I still feel bad about leaving her, given her abandonment issues. Mind you, I'll be literally homeless but I feel like that's actually the lesser of two evils....
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I know this is a bad situation but it is not the kid's fault and you are his "dad", and have been for 7 years even though he is not biologically yours. I know you are young, and want a life, but what you do now to your son, will stay with him for ever. You cannot abandon him totally, as that is beyond cruel. You need to contact him and keep your relationship with him going, you are all he has really, he will be devastated. Keep her at arms length, but do not give up on him.
Author Joseph z Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Doesn't sound like shes willing to help herself much in life and you're basically crutching her. You have put in years of help, more than the average and there hasn't been much progress has there? Its time for you to give this up and seek happiness with a stable woman. You cannot fix them, she has to do it herself and if you stay you wont be helping as she must know by now she can fall on your pity. Thank you for your response. I'm doing a lot better now and appreciate your advice, it helped.
Author Joseph z Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I know this is a bad situation but it is not the kid's fault and you are his "dad", and have been for 7 years even though he is not biologically yours. I know you are young, and want a life, but what you do now to your son, will stay with him for ever. You cannot abandon him totally, as that is beyond cruel. You need to contact him and keep your relationship with him going, you are all he has really, he will be devastated. Keep her at arms length, but do not give up on him. You think I should try to stay in contact with him? All he does is ask me when he can come home. What do I say to that? I'm afraid I'm going to prolong his grief by talking to him. He has family there. Just don't know.
Author Joseph z Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Of course not. I think he's not asking a "practical" question, though, but a "philosophical" one...he realizes he can't fix them, which is why he kicked 'em out. What's bothering him is his conscience. It's natural for emotionally/psychologically health human beings to empathize with others' plight, especially if professions of true undying love were ever uttered. I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself, though with a weird twist: I'm leaving my five-year live-in relationship even though for the past year it's been only her that's been materially supporting us -- and I still feel bad about leaving her, given her abandonment issues. Mind you, I'll be literally homeless but I feel like that's actually the lesser of two evils.... Thanks for your advice. Why are you leaving? You're going to be homeless? You can't find work? I think you should focus on finding work and then if you still want to go then go. You have to wait until the boat gets close to the dock before you jump or you will get wet. Maybe once the stress of not being able to support yourdelf is gone you will see things differently.
newlyborn Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 i feel bad for the boy. he has already suffered parental abandonment by his biological father, and the mother is low functioning. despite being young, you raised this boy for what he understands as his whole life. and, surely, he feels that his family has broken apart. there are people in college who volunteer to be mentors and big brothers. don't let your guilt keep you from doing the right thing. your guilt is telling you what you should do. sure, move on from the mom. but don't ignore this child who knows you as his father. call him regularly, Skype with him, make visits, tell him about your experiences in college. encourage him and tell him, like all separated parents, that your separation from his mom was not a separation from him. and mean it.
Recommended Posts