pursuitofhappiness Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) A little while back, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I really did love her, but I felt that I wasn't having a good time with her and was looking forward to dropping her off to go hang out with my friends the vast majority of the time. We also don't share the same interests at all really (different music taste, different idea of fun, etc.). But we did share our hard work ethics and both had the same idea of a secure future. Since we broke up however, I met another girl that shares so many of the same interests that I simply did not share with my ex. I have a fantastic time with her (and I know I haven't been with this one as long as I was with my ex, but even when things were fresh with my ex, I did't really have as good of a time as I have with this one). I am more passionate about this one. It might be the limerance, but I can't say I remember feeling this way about my ex at any point. We are also truly like best friends when we are around each other. We really understand each other. The sex life is great in comparison to my ex, in that there was literally no sex life with my ex. It never particularly bothered me though, I really liked the fact that my ex was saving it for marriage. The thing is, this one is not nearly as hard a worker and doesn't have any real plans for the future. She wants something to happen with us, but has no idea what she wants to make of her life. My ex, on the other hand has her stuff figured out and is really going places. Now, given that information, I have stumbled into a very interesting situation. I won't go into details, but there was nothing immoral that took place. I do however need to make a decision between the two. I want to make a decision that I can live with for the rest of my life and be truly happy about. Should I get back with my ex who was always secure, no change in feelings, just steady contentness from the start? Or should I advance with the current one that I am very passionate about, but know that the excitement will more than likely wear off as it does with everyone? I do miss my ex and her positive attitude, stability, and dedication and passion. But I know that I will also miss this one and all the good times we share if I let her go. She is also very dedicated and passionate towards me. I never thought that love could be split between 2, but I think I'm starting to see it can. I just want to do the best thing with minimal damage to either girl. Also, we are all 21 and in college. Been with the current one for about 6 months. Edited December 2, 2014 by pursuitofhappiness
Thegreatestthing Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 The old settling vs passion debate returns again. I say go with the one that you feel passionate about she is only 21 she might get more Into her career or whatever later on,most people are still figuring themselves out at that age. It's understandable to want someone with clear common goals like you but is getting that really worth the lack of excitement and passion,you will remember the passionate moments of your life you will not remember any of the drudgery. You said this new one is dedicated to you and that is a very good thing,because sometimes the passionate relationships are fleeting but this looks to be ok. 1
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 @Thegreatestthing Thanks for the reply. I do like this relationship more than the last. The thing about the last is that I liked the security that would come in the future, but it's true, I would want to have good memories of excitement and passion to share with my girlfriend rather than none really. 1
xUnknown Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Do you love either one of them? If you do, trust your heart. I was in a similar situation. I went back to my ex, only to have made the wrong decision and it again. I may have an opportunity to rebuild something with the one I didn't chose (very close family friends for past 18 years, first loves, distance was always a factor but we always came back to each other). So now, I'm just working on myself with the intentions to rebuild her trust. This girl was always my gut decision, but me being selfish, I felt like a failure after my ex and I broke up, so to not feel like a failure, I wanted to fix it and give it another shot with the ex. Its a blessing feelings for this one girl and I are still there. Trust your heart/gut. Its usually right. I would say move on from your ex. Hell, perhaps even move on from this new girl too since she doesn't know what she wants yet. At 6 months, you'd think she would know she wants a future with you. Move forward with your life, as I am. More importantly, be proud about it. You may think you're getting a second chance with the ex, but what if you make the wrong choice, will the other girl give you a second chance??
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 @xUnknown I feel like you could be my future self coming back to tell me this ha I do feel like I have failed people because my parents love my ex as does the rest of my family. I also know that her family really likes me too along with a bunch of people that had been rooting for us. And about this current girl, I guess I made it sound like she didn't know what she wants with me. I just meant her personal future like career, where to live, etc. She tells me she definitely wants a future with me. Also, something that really tears me in two is that I feel pretty much the same strength of feelings for each girl. But, the fact that the feelings I have for the girl that I have been with for half a year are as strong as the strongest feelings I've had for my ex of 3 years should say something. In addition to that, the feelings I have for my ex are more of an appreciation for the person she is in comparison to this current girl that I have a passion for because of who she is. But back on the view of failure, I didn't really look at it like that before. I think that could be the main thing that is drawing me back to my ex. I also do like the security of my ex, but I guess the idea of finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is about finding someone you're passionate about to go through thick and thin with rather than finding someone that you're less passionate about but don't really have any hardships to go through with.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 I also am worried that the limerance just wore off with my ex and that I'll end up in the same situation with the current girl. And another thing is that I was generally more comfortable with my ex. Not that I feel I need to hold back who I am with this current girl, but that my ex was just a more comforting person to me. Those are some hard factors for me to get by in this decision.
Thegreatestthing Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I really understand I myself am deciding between two guys ,my bf is the best I can wear terrible outfit,no make up etc he doesn't care at all,doesn't have any interest in other girls,Compliments me all the time,I feel totally secure in the relationship.security is a very nice thing to have,I wouldn't tell you to underestimate it. only issue is the same as you - a lack of excitement and passion,boredom etc.we haven't been together long so it shouldn't be like that. it's true that the crazy sparks can fade but did you really have them with your ex early on? The other guy I like I've known him ten years and I still have crazy high sparks for him so it doesn't always fade,but I doubt his ability to provide any sort of security ,so I really understand where you're coming from,maybe you just doubt this new girl will provide any source of comfort or security? It would be great if we could date both,but it just not fair on either person. Maybe you should not date either of them,and find someone who provides both those things.
Molly Hooper Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 There is a chance it could be neither, TBH. I think what this new girl has taught you is that you can feel passion for your partner - that your partner can be your best friend (or one of them) and that you can have fun. But it is really important to have direction or even an idea at of where you want to go. The ultimate is finding the balance between the two girls - someone who shares your interests (or is at least interested in learning about them) and can have fun - but can also get serious and think about the future. You aren't limited to either one or the other... But - gun to my head... I'd say go with the new girl. One thing you can consider doing is discussing monthly goals with her. I do this with my BF. It can even be "dumb" things. We write fitness goals, date ideas, writing goals, etc. Maybe you guys choose one or two small goals a month to write down. This may get her used to the idea of thinking about and talking about the future - even if it's the near, near future. It also opens up the door for conversations about goals, desires, dreams, etc. You may end up liking where that leads. Or maybe you'll end up deciding you want someone with more drive - and that's okay too.
xUnknown Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 All great advice here for you OP. But I feel like this is the best advice to follow. Maybe you should not date either of them,and find someone who provides both those things. I left out a very important part of my story... This wasn't the first time I've had to choose between these two women. I had to make that decision 3 years ago. I thought the distance with the girl I've known forever was too great... I didn't think it would work out (when in reality, I was insecure and afraid of it failing and being a failure myself). I broke up with my gf to feel things out with the other girl. Then those thoughts of doubt, negativity and doubt from my friends really set in. I went back to the ex. At the time, I thought I made the right one. But the feelings for the other girl have always been there, on both sides. We talked this Thanksgiving and she said "I feel like <ex> always has this hold on you, you keep coming back". I said, "I disagree, I think its you. Year after year, whenever we see each other, for the past 8 years, we always seem to fall for one another. Even after not speaking for a couple years because I was with <ex>...it always happens. Nobody has that kind of pull on me". We talked about other scenarios too that all point to her... but you get my point. My friend gave me the advice to not "choose" either, and see where you are pulled in time. I wish I followed his advice, because I know things would have been significant better - and - I'm sure that girl and I would be together now. But, I didn't, so now I'm several years behind and left to work even harder - though, I know it'll be worth it. Because I know we both want to be together. Trust your gut. But if you don't have that gut instinct, then don't choose either and tell yourself you need to figure your own self out before you see either of them (or someone new).
Recommended Posts