pregnant after dating a month

[indecisive 12]

I am 33. She is 33. I have been out of my last long term (4+ yrs) relationship for a few months. I started dating this new girl (who I will call Megan) about a month ago.

 

She had come clean early that she was married in her early 20s but it failed when she found out that she will have a very hard time getting pregnant.

 

Long story short... We were stupid. Not only did we move too fast but were not careful. I found out on thanksgiving eve that she is pregnant. I have been a wreck since.

 

Everything she has said has had me believing she really wants to keep it. She really wants kids and (unless she is lying) is going to have a hard time conceiving.

 

I was honest with her quickly. We have known each other a month. We cant reasonably expect for us to develop a healthy relationship with this gun to our head. It is too forced now. Not only that but I want to be married before kids. I want a healthy, stable environment for my kid to be raised in. I told her clearly I don't want to go forward with it. She was upset and we went back and forth on it a lot this weekend. I basically said I will support her in ending it.. But otherwise I dont know what to do.

 

She texted me today and said she will end it. She is obviously upset. And while I should be happy because I am getting what I wanted, I feel overwhelming guilt knowing how upset she is.

 

Logically I know I should just go with it and fully support her in every way. But my conscience is telling me to tell her its ok to keep it. I cant afford what the state will try to get for child support but I will contribute what I can. And I will take the kid on weekends.

 

Someone please tell me if you know how other situations have worked? More importantly.. I am insane for even considering listening to my guilty conscience right? I have to assume that either way my relationship with this girl is through.

[kaylan]

sounds like a convenient mistake by you and her. She had a marriage fail because she would have a tough time getting pregnant, and then BAM....she gets preggerz by you.

 

Sounds fishy to me bro. Only because Ive seen situations similar to this where it turns out that the woman secretly wanted to get pregnant. And I wouldnt put it past some girl you barely know to do that...especially as she's getting older and closer to an age where kids will be even harder to have.

 

Anyways, Im a pro-choice kinda guy. And while logically its not best to start a relationship this way...this might logically be one of her best chances at having a kid if she really does have trouble with that normally.

 

I do agree, that abortion or no abortion, I cant see a relationship working out.

[Nickierose19]

Don't pressure her. Let her make the decision on her own. How would you feel if you were in her situation and you were being pressured in the same way you're doing to her?

[Molly Hooper]

While I understand the reality of the situation (and that you've only been together a month), why are you assuming your relationship is through? Just because of what you said? Or is it that this situation has brought to light where you see this relationship going?

 

The best thing to do is express your feelings about the situation clearly - which it sounds like you did. So that is taken care of - but you then need to be supportive of her no matter what she decides - and you also need to express that to her. This whole "I will support her in ending it.. But otherwise I dont know what to do" business is not acceptable. You helped in creating this situation you are in - if she decides to keep the child, that is a child YOU helped to give life.

It's okay to have an opinion - but you need to respect her ultimate choice and support it.

 

So yes, I would tell her that it's okay to keep it. You can reiterate that you feel it is best to terminate, but that if she ultimately decides to keep it, you will do everything you can to support her.

[FitChick]

She might have already been pregnant when you met her and the guy took off or she may not even know who of several men is the father. If she decides to keep it tell her you will demand she take a paternity test before she gets a penny.

 

Tell her you will drive her to and from the abortion because you want to support her emotionally. In reality you want to make sure she goes through with it. If you really like her and want to continue dating, promise her a romantic weekend away after she recovers. More incentive for her.

Edited December 2, 2014 by FitChick

[CC12]

She texted me today and said she will end it. She is obviously upset. And while I should be happy because I am getting what I wanted, I feel overwhelming guilt knowing how upset she is.

 

If the only reason she's ending it is because she felt pressure from you, then you should feel guilt. You have no right to pressure anyone to make that kind of decision. I think you've been completely selfish about this.

 

You should tell her that you're bowing out of the decision-making process and that she should feel free to continue however she wants.

[Toodaloo]

I am going to speak from the position of a person who will have trouble (BIG trouble) getting pregnant, who has no children and who would love to have children...

 

There are far worse things to worry about than pregnancy. After knowing you a month I sure as hell would still have slapped a cover on it. I am not so cavalier with the consequences of my actions.

 

That said if I did become pregnant and if it were a viable pregnancy (again in my case unlikely) I would see it as a gift. There is no hope in hell that I would be getting rid of that baby. With you or with out you I wouldn't care.

 

Her body, her emotions. Support her in what she chooses to do. Its all you can do.

[Dallers]

I am anti abortion but either way its not an option especially in her situation.

 

As for you my friend you are stupid and must face the consequences to understand. 33 you should know by now that you use protection. Ultra thin condoms make very little difference, 18 years of your life consumed by a child you do not want on the other hand?

 

There is no easy choice or way out of this and it is her decision which you will have to be man enough to stand by but I would expect it to be the one you do not want to hear.

[Emilia]

Of course you are right OP. You don't know each other from a bar of soap, it could be a disasterous for a kid to be brought up by parents that can barely tolerate each other.

 

It isn't just her choice, a child has two parents and common sense dictates that after a month it's the sensible thing not to keep the baby. You have as much say in this as she does and she would be irresponsible keeping a child whose father is more or less a stranger.

[bathtub-row]

I know guys like to think this is their decision but it actually is not. It's her body, her decision. If you're that dead set against having children out of wedlock, then either stop having sex, or stop having unprotected sex. This is the consequence of your actions so you should be adult about this and accept it. As far as she's concerned, if she's allowing you to influence her decision, then so be it. Personally, no one would be able to do that with me. While I believe that women should have the right to choose, I personally would never get over having an abortion. That's why I wouldn't let anyone influence me.

 

This girl is probably an emotional wreck and doesn't know which way to turn. If I were you, I'd make sure that she believes this is the right decision before she goes through with it. I also think it's a good idea to have a paternity test done if she does have the baby. You really don't know her and it's possible that it's not your child.

[KatZee]

Yikes. I too read this and went: "she's 33 and will struggle getting pregnant...oh she's pregnant...woops!...oh PLEASE!"

 

You've made your intentions clear. You don't want the kid. I wouldn't either, this is ridiculous!

 

That being said, if she IS being honest about having trouble having kids she may be very sad to be forced to terminate.

 

Would you be against relinquishing all parental rights? She keeps baby, you go about life as usual.

[michellew]

You should feel guilty. You sound like a complete a**! If you wanted a stable life and marriage before having kids, you should have thought about that before having unprotected sex.

 

"I'll take the kid on weekends and contribute what I can"??? If I were her, I'd have the baby and raise it without you.

Edited December 2, 2014 by michellew

[newmoon]

the story sounds a bit fishy to me as well; perhaps this is just a case of a woman who was either already pregnant when you met her and now needs a baby daddy, or the thing with her ex was a lie and she wanted a kid all along. given the short duration of time together let her make the decision without pressure, and definitely get a paternity test if she keeps the baby and maintains that it's yours.

[Michelle ma Belle]

And THIS is why you must ALWAYS take birth control into YOUR OWN HANDS!!!

 

Sorry OP but as much as I can feel your pain on some level, I have very little sympathy for people who aren't safe about sex ESPECIALLY when you KNOW you don't want kids right now. And that goes for HER as much as you.

 

You've done the deed now you have to deal with the consequences of those actions.

 

As for feeling guilty, whether she goes through with the abortion or not, you'll always have residual guilt. There is no escaping it.

[littleblackheart]

Ultimately it doesn't really matter what you told each other before she fell pregnant at this point. You didn't use protection when you should have done, now she's pregnant - that's the bottom line.

 

 

I know a guy who, like you, had his timeline all upset because of his irresponsibility; if it helps, he's now a fantastic father to his little boy, and they've kept a fairly amicable working relationship with the mother. Whatever path you decide to take, I would encourage you to be as considerate and respectful as possible with each other - you'll likely both go through difficult times as it is so perhaps refrain from assigning blame or guilt on her or on yourself, and deal with the situation as a responsible adult.

[DivorcedDad123]

This sounds all so familiar,except I was 22 OP. Ex-w had been married twice,but couldn't get pregnant,until 5 months into us dating. If she decides to have the child, remember one thing. It's NOT THE CHILDS fault. This kid will need a daddy as much as a mommy. Don't let this kid be the one who doesn't know who daddy is.Has to go to school and explain to other kids that she/he doesn't have dad. Feels left out because dad isn't there at practice or ballgames.

I married when we found out,but you don't have to do that. Just be there for the child. As much as you can! You'll find that you've been missing out when you hold your own kid,play with him or her,take naps together,etc.,,

I see little kids all the time who wish they had a dad to come watch them play baseball or football. I hear from their moms how these kids feel incomplete without a dad to do things with them. Don't be that guy!

That said,get a paternity test,speak to an attorney,learn what the parental rights are in your state and your legal obligations.

[Jules Dash]

Hey, I had two by the time I was 19 years old and single. Was it tough? Hell yes! Child support is can be a killer.Do I regret seeing two men walking around looking just like me these days? No.

 

Either way, you'll survive. It is a serious situation but don't blow it up in your head too much. Sit back, take a deep breath and talk things out maturely with your girlfriend. Don't get things off on the wrong foot if she decides to keep it. It could turn into 18 years of pain if you do that.

[organizedchaos]

You've only known her a month. Make sure the kid is really yours. dont just take her word for it.