Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Stayed with him after two affairs without acting out myself. Without acting out yourself? Are you serious? Didn't YOU f*ck around first? Or does that not count as "acting out""? Hasn't he stayed with you after YOUR affair? Or does that not count either? Geez. I suspect you have been waiting for this "grand gesture" from your hubby for a LONG time, even before you had your affair. And perhaps the affair was your way of "acting out" in a desperate attempt to get his attention. The problem now is that it backfired. It didnt work or at least not the way you were hoping. And you're STILL waiting for him.... 1
Molly Hooper Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 we graduated, according to our therapist. Wh-what? Get a new therapist. Seriously. 4
Molly Hooper Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Without acting out yourself? Are you serious? Didn't YOU f*ck around first? Or does that not count as "acting out""? No - she legitimately struggles taking responsibility with this. She will if it involves him as well ("we) - otherwise it is all about him and his mistakes. 1
Molly Hooper Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Stayed with him after two affairs without acting out myself. Your willpower is amazing. 1
Author katielee Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 what should be clear, and is apparently not to people who don't have much reading comprehension here , is that I didn't do any acting out AFTEr his affairs. duh! AND, he wouldn't stay if I had another. But I have stayed when he had two. I've taken responsibility for mine. How do you not see that? I've never blamed him. But he certainly isn't gonna get more than one freebee from me. And really?? you call having two affairs while married "staying with you?" I call it being single behind your spouses' back.
No Limit Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) I guess it would have been kind not to participate in an affair in the first place. Everything else is sugar coating the truth, trying to avoid it by any means. Well, too bad, it has happened. You make choices, you should be able to live with them. edit; read some more of the thread. You are married to an egoist, and on top of that you hurt that ego of his with your affair. There won't be peace anytime soon with him. Edited December 3, 2014 by No Limit
Lurkeraspect Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Katie, You could move across the world and it wouldn't fix your marriage. Your issue isn't geography, rather trust. You don't trust him, and he doesn't trust you. Until you fix that (graduation or not) your marriage will always be broken. My advice is get back into counseling or divorce.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 what should be clear, and is apparently not to people who don't have much reading comprehension here , is that I didn't do any acting out AFTEr his affairs. duh! AND, he wouldn't stay if I had another. But I have stayed when he had two. I've taken responsibility for mine. How do you not see that? I've never blamed him. But he certainly isn't gonna get more than one freebee from me. And really?? you call having two affairs while married "staying with you?" I call it being single behind your spouses' back. Oh sweetie, we can all read fine but thank you nonetheless. And I would describe having ANY affair while MARRIED, regardless of how many, as "being single behind your spouses back". I suppose if your husband stopped at just one affair it would have been better? Fairer? I think YOU should go back and re-read some of your own posts and better yet, with a therapist. There is a ton of stuff going on here that is both conflicting and disturbing not to mention a whole lot of "ME! ME! ME!". You need to stop acting like you're the only victim in all of this. 1
xxoo Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 what should be clear, and is apparently not to people who don't have much reading comprehension here , is that I didn't do any acting out AFTEr his affairs. duh! AND, he wouldn't stay if I had another. But I have stayed when he had two. I've taken responsibility for mine. How do you not see that? I've never blamed him. But he certainly isn't gonna get more than one freebee from me. And really?? you call having two affairs while married "staying with you?" I call it being single behind your spouses' back. There is no way to move past this if you are still holding onto 2 vs. 1. Tit-for-tat. You both cheated during a messed up time in your marriage. How many times is really insignificant at this point. You both cheated back then. Can you move beyond that detail? It is truly insignificant in the level of damage you BOTH leveled on each other. We're talking close range shotgun vs. machine gun. Are you really arguing about who pulled the trigger more often? You don't move on because you are still stuck on these minute detail of tit-for-tat. Is he trustworthy now? If not, why the heck are you with him? If so, why are you still hammering on that detail?
Molly Hooper Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 what should be clear, and is apparently not to people who don't have much reading comprehension here , is that I didn't do any acting out AFTER his affairs. duh! AND, he wouldn't stay if I had another. But I have stayed when he had two. You're so strong. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Katie, It really is okay for a remorseful FWS to decide to divorce their spouse due to their BS infidelities. Even if those affair/s happened after your own affair. You are entitled to the same "get out of marriage" card due to the affair/s as any other BS. You are entitled to the same expectations of communication, teamwork, common goals, removing of triggers, commitment, better relationship, prioritizing of the relationship as any other BS. It is okay to know that you worked/cleaned up your side of the street and to not accept that your FWS has not done the same and leave the relationship. For me, if I believe (and I do), that a BS does not cause an affair, then I would have to accept (and I do), that infidelity does not cause infidelity. The harshest acceptable response to infidelity is divorce. It even has its own number on REASONS FOR DIVORCE. Heck, in this case Katie was within her legal rights to get an immediate divorce due to her husbands infidelities. By that time, he legally could not.
BetrayedH Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 is what I'm asking for out of line though? No, it isn't.
Selfish Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 You can't change him. Affairs aside you can't make him be someone he isn't. And that is why you have been told what you should do. Start a new life on your own. You want him to move. He wants you to stay. You resent him now because he hasn't done a "grand gesture". Perhaps he feels your grand gesture would be forgiving him and staying. If he does choose to move he will resent you for making him give up his career and home... when you cheated first. I think you are going to have to give up your ideas for a grand gesture and moving and the quitting of the job or move yourself and let go of your marriage. Some things obviously can't be compromised. 1
NateGrey Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) I honestly think you should divorce him. I think you really want to stay married, but also want to stay angry at the same time. I completely understand that, but in the end you will just be unhappy and bitter. I think the worst thing you can let your WS do to you is turn you into someone you are not. I have experienced infidelity, as have friends of mine. I was not one for revenge, I just cut all ties, but a friend of mine was going to go for some big epic revenge. He did not because at the end he stopped himself and asked "what is she turning me into?". If you truly want to stay married fine, but don't let that decision twist you into someone you are not. Edited December 5, 2014 by NateGrey 2
Molly Hooper Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I honestly think you should divorce him. I think you really want to stay married, but also want to stay angry at the same time. I completely understand that, but in the end you will just be unhappy and bitter. I think the worst thing you can let your WS do to you is turn you into someone you are not. I have experienced infidelity, as have friends of mine. I was not one for revenge, I just cut all ties, but a friend of mine was going to go for some big epic revenge. He did not because at the end he stopped himself and asked "what is she turning me into?". If you truly want to stay married fine, but don't let that decision twist you into someone you are not. This is really excellent advice. If you think back to when you first married, I'm sure it's leaps and bounds from where you are. And that's okay - for a relationship to evolve - but what's happening in yours is that you've become a very unhappy person. This is your one life to live. You shouldn't live like this. You shouldn't stay in the marriage if you feel like you're being mistreated or ignored, if you feel like you aren't necessarily a priority, if you are becoming unhappy/angry/bitter, and if you're always worried about these infidelities. You could be so much happier.
Author katielee Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 I'm not totally unhappy. No one who knows me would call me bitter. I enjoy life . 95% of the time things are great. This is the final sticking point though. I want to have peace with my choice , whatever it is.
MuddyFootprints Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 95% sounds like a pretty damn good thing you've got going there. Is your husband's satisfaction the same? We all know that 100%, 100% of the time is an unrealistic expectation. Would 97? 98? 99? make the difference in your overall happiness? Doesn't it feel like hunting for pennies at this point?
Author katielee Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 95% IS pretty damn good. I'll probably never get to 100% because of the past - I'm ok with that. But certain things could be done in the present so I could a little closer. And there are days when it's 25% and days when it's 99% = I suppose much like anyone else. But people have things out of their control that bring them down - death of a loved one, cancer, drug addiction of a child. Those are out of our control. By my choice to stay married or divorce is in my control. I just don't know which would leave me happier. I'm unsure if I would take mistrust to a new relationship.
xxoo Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 95% IS pretty damn good. I'll probably never get to 100% because of the past - I'm ok with that. But certain things could be done in the present so I could a little closer. And there are days when it's 25% and days when it's 99% = I suppose much like anyone else. . Was it similar before the affair? Was there ever a period of your relationship when there were no 25% days? Because I've been married 20 years, with kids, and no, I've never had 25% days in my marriage. Maybe 60% is the lowest it ever goes. This is what sticks out to me when people rationalize staying in a marriage that sometimes makes them miserable by saying "the good outweighs the bad". Marriage doesn't need to include actual misery, at any percentage. Spouses should not hurt each other. 1
Author katielee Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Was it similar before the affair? Was there ever a period of your relationship when there were no 25% days? Because I've been married 20 years, with kids, and no, I've never had 25% days in my marriage. Maybe 60% is the lowest it ever goes. This is what sticks out to me when people rationalize staying in a marriage that sometimes makes them miserable by saying "the good outweighs the bad". Marriage doesn't need to include actual misery, at any percentage. Spouses should not hurt each other. when there have been affairs there are many 25% days... even 1%. i think there are SO MANY marriages where the good outweighs the bad. That's most of the advice I receive from therapists, books, etc. Don't expect the fairy tale. Expect it to be real and messy.
xxoo Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) when there have been affairs there are many 25% days... even 1%. i think there are SO MANY marriages where the good outweighs the bad. That's most of the advice I receive from therapists, books, etc. Don't expect the fairy tale. Expect it to be real and messy. I don't expect, or live, a fairy tale. Life is messy and full of challenges: work, parenting, health, etc. What I expect is a supportive partner through all that stuff, consistently. I have that, and I am that. If you can't count on your partner, what kind of marriage do you have? If the "bad" is anything major (distrust, addiction, abuse, etc), all the "good" in the world doesn't make it acceptable in a marriage. If it is for a period of time and can be worked out, I could see that. But accepting 25% times as normal throughout a marriage is holding the bar far too low, imo. Edited December 5, 2014 by xxoo
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