Kindness

[xxoo]

no not yet. would you? I mean I trust that he isnt having an affair, but when someone says they had an affair because they didn't know if you were committed or wanted to be with them and you now occasionally have meltdowns and question the relationship because of what they did- do you know how that makes me feel? Like he'll start dating again.

 

No, I wouldn't trust him.

 

But it's not about bulletin boards, the OW, or even moving. It's about your H and his refusal to get real and honest with you. He's guarded, and that keeps you from feeling secure.

[katielee]

No, I wouldn't trust him.

 

But it's not about bulletin boards, the OW, or even moving. It's about your H and his refusal to get real and honest with you. He's guarded, and that keeps you from feeling secure.

 

and I can't make him do that. And I have no idea what he'd say.

[road]

He's a very good husband - he's perfect. Now. But I feel like I'm being tricked into staying here if things are good enough. Last night I waited until his game was over to talk to him about this. So I brought it up and of course he never gave ANY thought to other people seeing these boards. I asked if he would feel badly driving down the street or seeing my AP on TV. He said he would. But then he said "I never should have told you this." as I thought he would. And I said, "so keeping things from me is the way to go?" And he said well sometimes these things don't materialize. I said you're missing the point. This is hard for me. This marriage isn't strong enough so that I occasionally feel threatened by these women. He said nothing. Went back to watching another basketball game. IT just floors me because he said he would kill my AP if he saw him so I don't understand why he doesn't even consider the other BS's.

 

Then we got into the whys before bed (he brought it up) and he said he had affairs because he didn't know if I was committed to him or wanted to be married, which I think is a cop out. he did this 2 years after my affair. I asked, "so you thought having two affairs would make things better?" He answered he never even thought about that. My theory - He was in emotional pain and didn't know how to handle it, with a side of revenge thrown in. But he constantly says crap like this that implies everything is my fault and if i hadn't started it - like he has no control over his actions. I said, "well, when your husband has two affairs you pretty much know he doesn't want to be married to you. But I have NO RIGHT to go out and have affairs."

 

He hasn't dug deep enough to find out his whys, I've expressed a need many times to move and he has made his choice. You are right.

 

 

 

You got the why.

 

 

You will not accept the why.

 

 

So I will spell it out: Y o u B r o k e T h e V o w T o B e E x c l u s i v e

 

 

W h e n Y o u B a n g e d T h e O M.

 

 

 

 

Now I will say this two wrongs do not make a right. Though all your BH did was to sink to your level when he became a WH.

[xxoo]

what ? I'm talking about having empathy for his Ow's spouses. He was one of them once.

 

Think about it. He obviously didn't have empathy for the spouse of your OM if he threatened their children and ran them out of town.

 

That was a FAR worse offense as far as lacking empathy or kindness. The bulletin board thing pales in comparison. So why would you have more trouble accepting the latter?

 

Also, when the other family moved, it may have been out of fear and self-preservation rather than empathy. The empathy component may be something only important to you.

Edited December 3, 2014 by xxoo

[katielee]

Think about it. He obviously didn't have empathy for the spouse of your OM if he threatened their children and ran them out of town.

 

That was a FAR worse offense as far as lacking empathy or kindness. The bulletin board thing pales in comparison. So why would you have more trouble accepting the latter?

 

Also, when the other family moved, it may have been out of fear and self-preservation rather than empathy. The empathy component may be something only important to you.

 

true. yes. oh Im sure they moved because they were scared. not empathetic to us.

so you are saying I need to accept that I'm married to a truly unempathetic man.

[road]

Running away or "moving" as you call it won't solve anything apart from putting miles between you and them.

 

You've got to deal with the deeper issues in your marriage otherwise you'll both be vulnerable to making more bad decisions no matter where you move.

 

 

 

Your lack of knowledge shows. The purpose to move far away is that it makes it harder for NC to be broken.

 

 

The second part of moving is that it removes triggers. WS and BS quite often can not leave the affair in the past and heal because they are always having to see triggers.

[xxoo]

true. yes. oh Im sure they moved because they were scared. not empathetic to us.

so you are saying I need to accept that I'm married to a truly unempathetic man.

 

People are multilayered. I don't know if he lacks all empathy.

 

But examine why you are suddenly bothered by his lack of kindness, when you were motivated to stay with him after he threatened children.

[road]

what ? I'm talking about having empathy for his Ow's spouses. He was one of them once.

 

 

 

Simple he was taught that people do not care about BS's.

 

 

No one did anything to help him.

 

 

So your BH decided he was going to be selfish and he became a WH that did not care about doing damage to others. He only wanted his ego and other things stroked by OW. This is how your BH/WH medicated himself. He wanted some O and W vitamins.

[katielee]

People are multilayered. I don't know if he lacks all empathy.

 

But examine why you are suddenly bothered by his lack of kindness, when you were motivated to stay with him after he threatened children.

 

you know, I just recently figured this out. my husband was a guy who was homicidal regarding the OM. I suspect he did this because they left in the middle of the night kind of thing...

 

this is all kind of piling up, what kind of person he is. and I have a feeling he hides a LOT from me about his true feelings.

[katielee]

Simple he was taught that people do not care about BS's.

 

 

No one did anything to help him.

 

 

So your BH decided he was going to be selfish and he became a WH that did not care about doing damage to others. He only wanted his ego and other things stroked by OW. This is how your BH/WH medicated himself. He wanted some O and W vitamins.

 

yep same as me. However, I changed, went out of my way to avoid my AP's spouse and would never dream of doing what my husband did to get the other family to leave.

[Michelle ma Belle]

ok but what are they?

 

I have no idea. That's for you and your husband to figure out. That's what marriage counselling is supposed to help you do if you can't figure it out on your own. But I don't think anyone here is buying the billboard story at face value.

 

You tell us you were "dismissed" from MC. What does does that mean? Did the therapist feel that you and your marriage were fixed? Did you run out of money to pay for therapy? Did your husband physically assault the therapist? Did your husband refuse to continue with therapy?

 

Being dismissed could mean a great many things none of which makes very good sense given the state of your marriage or your emotional well being. Don't you agree?

 

Tell us then, why is moving SO important to you? What do you think moving will solve? Or is this really just a test for your husband?

[katielee]

I have no idea. That's for you and your husband to figure out. That's what marriage counselling is supposed to help you do if you can't figure it out on your own. But I don't think anyone here is buying the billboard story at face value.

 

You tell us you were "dismissed" from MC. What does does that mean? Did the therapist feel that you and your marriage were fixed? Did you run out of money to pay for therapy? Did your husband physically assault the therapist? Did your husband refuse to continue with therapy?

 

Being dismissed could mean a great many things none of which makes very good sense given the state of your marriage or your emotional well being. Don't you agree?

 

Tell us then, why is moving SO important to you? What do you think moving will solve? Or is this really just a test for your husband?

 

we graduated, according to our therapist.

 

moving - I want him to make a grand gesture and I want away from all these triggers.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Your lack of knowledge shows. The purpose to move far away is that it makes it harder for NC to be broken.

 

 

The second part of moving is that it removes triggers. WS and BS quite often can not leave the affair in the past and heal because they are always having to see triggers.

 

And YOU are naive if you think that running away is going to be the answer or encourage NC.

 

On the surface it may SEEM like a "good" option (maybe easy is better) but in the end, if someone is unhappy or tempted or WANTS to make contact with a previous AP or find a new one, they will no matter where they live.

 

Ever heard of the internet?

 

Do you really think distance is going to make everything all better? Do you really think putting miles between them is going to safeguard them from making contact with old flames or from making new ones? Do you really think moving can change someone who perhaps doesn't want to change?

 

I think it is you who is the one lacking here.

 

This would be different if they BOTH were on board with wanting the same thing and BOTH felt that moving would give them a fresh start and help them mend their marriage. So far it seems like only the OP feels this way, not her husband. I'm sure they both have their reasons for wanting what they want.

 

In either case, their wants are not in alignment. And THAT is a problem.

[Michelle ma Belle]

we graduated, according to our therapist.

 

moving - I want him to make a grand gesture and I want away from all these triggers.

 

Translation? A test.

[katielee]

Translation? A test.

 

yep, how committed are you to me? prove it.

[xxoo]

Everything he's done is marking his territory: running the other family out, "claiming" two OW, even the bulletin boards. He was insecure and emasculated after your affair, and now he's peed all over his mountain.

 

That's his grand gesture. For himself.

 

Consider that he would likely feel emasculated all over again if he moved. Like a wuss; like the OM he ran out. Frankly, he'd probably repeat the whole cycle in the new place. Be careful what you wish for.

[xxoo]

yep, how committed are you to me? prove it.

 

There are 4 couples involved. Is anyone else running people out of town or demanding a move to prove love? You two are playing your own dangerous game.

[katielee]

There are 4 couples involved. Is anyone else running people out of town or demanding a move to prove love? You two are playing your own dangerous game.

 

I have no idea.

 

I'd like a grand gesture for me. I have to worry about his poor emasculated ego?

when do I get what i want? or do I have to keep paying and paying for my affair?

I want peace.

[katielee]

and I want to be married to someone who cherishes me and can empathize how hard it is for me here.

 

I mean, what do you suggest i do?

Edited December 3, 2014 by katielee
extra sentence

[xxoo]

I have no idea.

 

I'd like a grand gesture for me. I have to worry about his poor emasculated ego?

when do I get what i want? or do I have to keep paying and paying for my affair?

I want peace.

 

Yes, you need to worry about his ego if you stay with him.

 

Peace may not be possible in this marriage. You may have to accept his limitations.

[Akheron]

and I want to be married to someone who cherishes me and can empathize how hard it is for me here.

 

I mean, what do you suggest i do?

 

 

Divorce him and move on. It's obvious you're not getting what you need and apparently never will.

[katielee]

Divorce him and move on. It's obvious you're not getting what you need and apparently never will.

 

is what I'm asking for out of line though?

[Michelle ma Belle]

yep, how committed are you to me? prove it.

 

How commited are YOU to him?

 

What have you done to "prove" your love to him?

[xxoo]

is what I'm asking for out of line though?

 

What you're asking for is a distraction. You'd still have the underlying problems.

 

If he felt the way you want him to feel, he'd pick up and move. He doesn't. He isn't the person you want him to be, and he never will be that person.

 

I'd suggest you do some reading on inner peace, maybe from the religious perspective of your choice, and focus on creating that peace for yourself. It isn't going to come from this marriage, which has been plagued for years and years. You could possibly find peace in it, but not from it.

[katielee]

How commited are YOU to him?

 

What have you done to "prove" your love to him?

 

Stayed with him after two affairs without acting out myself.