Kindness

[NateGrey]

My first thoughts reading the OP was..this is a joke, right? This is weird to me.

[katielee]

If you're basing that assessment on this one instance of job-related exposure, I don't get it. Maybe there's more to the story than you're telling us.

 

At this point, I'd say it says more that you do see it than that he doesn't. Almost seems like you're looking for justification to feel the way you do...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

more to the story, uh yah. WE live here, I see them, they work in the business community - that's how he me them. I think I deserve a fresh start without having to worry about any of this. I deserve peace in my life. If we are doing well and I'm suddenly out and about and get slapped in the face seeing them, I'm pissed.

[katielee]

I can definitely see this - However, this is for his job... his livelihood, which if I'm not mistaken, is to contribute to a life he is building (or rebuilding, rather) with his wife. It isn't like he is taking a personal ad out or doing it for any personal reason.

 

OP - Does the success of this ad and the commercial mean very little to you two? What is the purpose of these ads? If you do not believe they will drive revenue, then I understand, but wouldn't you want him to do well in his career?

 

I feel like it's like asking my husband to turn down a role in a TV show because somewhere out there, a BS and OW may see it. While it definitely makes you seem empathetic towards the BS, I don't understand why you are so caught up in that - that is between those two and their relationship now. Your relationship is with your husband. I seem to be missing an obvious link here.

 

You sound more concerned with the BS's wellbeing than that of your husband's and yours. You need to focus on you two and move forward. I wouldn't ask him to take down the billboard or not do the commercial. I would make sure and have a heart-to-heart with him about the plan when the OW contacts him... because if she sees it, I am sure she will be inclined to say something.

 

Do i want him to do well in his career - his career has been numero uno since day one. it took too much of his time. I know he was doing it to provide for us but I needed emotional support, not financial support. I don't resent him NOW for doing this in he past. He didn't know better. But I don't need that anymore. He seems to.

 

I'm not concerned about the BS well being more than mine. I am concerned that he isn't getting it and isnt empathetic to me, more than anyone. If you went 20 years without telling someone your needs and they said they would do anything after you about left them but then you told them your needs and they said, "no you really don't need that." how would you feel?

[Molly Hooper]

Do i want him to do well in his career - his career has been numero uno since day one. it took too much of his time. I know he was doing it to provide for us but I needed emotional support, not financial support. I don't resent him NOW for doing this in he past. He didn't know better. But I don't need that anymore. He seems to.

 

I'm not concerned about the BS well being more than mine. I am concerned that he isn't getting it and isnt empathetic to me, more than anyone. If you went 20 years without telling someone your needs and they said they would do anything after you about left them but then you told them your needs and they said, "no you really don't need that." how would you feel?

 

I guess if this is really about you and your feelings (because originally you had made it out to sound like it was your concern about it being a trigger for the others), I am just confused how this billboard thing bothers YOU. If you aren't thinking about the other BS and WS, why don't you specifically want this billboard up? Is this just about resentment towards his job? If so, that's an entirely different conversation than what you led with.

[katielee]

I guess if this is really about you and your feelings (because originally you had made it out to sound like it was your concern about it being a trigger for the others), I am just confused how this billboard thing bothers YOU. If you aren't thinking about the other BS and WS, why don't you specifically want this billboard up? Is this just about resentment towards his job? If so, that's an entirely different conversation than what you led with.

 

 

Molly I think it's what you said, also that I dont want to worry about anything if the OW see him and that I know how he feels about my AP. He drove him out of town. Can he not have some empathy for these men too?

[MidwestUSA]

he was in deep pain from my affair. Yes I did it first. He didn't know how to handle his pain so he had affairs. And justified them because I did it. And had to one up me as well. But we're beyond that.

 

You sound quite angry that he 'one upped' you by having two affairs. One or ten, what does it matter? You both cheated.

[katielee]

You sound quite angry that he 'one upped' you by having two affairs. One or ten, what does it matter? You both cheated.

 

It matters. He saw what it did to me and he did it again.

[Mr. Lucky]

It matters. He saw what it did to me and he did it again.

Katielee, why are you still married? Your mindset is not that of a healthy participant in a recovering marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

Katielee, why are you still married? Your mindset is not that of a healthy participant in a recovering marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

what exactly should my mindset be? Forgive and forget? I'm still married because the good outweighs the bad. I occasionally still get angry. Yes. so does he.

I think we're doing pretty well. Like I said, this is our final sticking point. I've accepted a lot. A LOT. at some point he has to give a little too.

[xxoo]

what exactly should my mindset be? Forgive and forget? I'm still married because the good outweighs the bad. I occasionally still get angry. Yes. so does he.

I think we're doing pretty well. Like I said, this is our final sticking point. I've accepted a lot. A LOT. at some point he has to give a little too.

 

Has he given nothing?

 

He is actively investing in his career where you are, evidenced by the bulletin boards. He isn't moving. This seems to be set in his mind. Maybe what they represent (his investment in the community) is a slap in the face, knowing you want to move.

 

If he won't move, and you won't accept not moving--you have a stalemate exactly as you are: married, there. He's obviously ok with that. Are you?

 

Distilling it down, no, he doesn't prioritize your feelings on the matter. He knows exactly what he has to lose, and he's made his choice.

[katielee]

Has he given nothing?

 

He is actively investing in his career where you are, evidenced by the bulletin boards. He isn't moving. This seems to be set in his mind. Maybe what they represent (his investment in the community) is a slap in the face, knowing you want to move.

 

If he won't move, and you won't accept not moving--you have a stalemate exactly as you are: married, there. He's obviously ok with that. Are you?

 

Distilling it down, no, he doesn't prioritize your feelings on the matter. He knows exactly what he has to lose, and he's made his choice.

 

He's a very good husband - he's perfect. Now. But I feel like I'm being tricked into staying here if things are good enough. Last night I waited until his game was over to talk to him about this. So I brought it up and of course he never gave ANY thought to other people seeing these boards. I asked if he would feel badly driving down the street or seeing my AP on TV. He said he would. But then he said "I never should have told you this." as I thought he would. And I said, "so keeping things from me is the way to go?" And he said well sometimes these things don't materialize. I said you're missing the point. This is hard for me. This marriage isn't strong enough so that I occasionally feel threatened by these women. He said nothing. Went back to watching another basketball game. IT just floors me because he said he would kill my AP if he saw him so I don't understand why he doesn't even consider the other BS's.

 

Then we got into the whys before bed (he brought it up) and he said he had affairs because he didn't know if I was committed to him or wanted to be married, which I think is a cop out. he did this 2 years after my affair. I asked, "so you thought having two affairs would make things better?" He answered he never even thought about that. My theory - He was in emotional pain and didn't know how to handle it, with a side of revenge thrown in. But he constantly says crap like this that implies everything is my fault and if i hadn't started it - like he has no control over his actions. I said, "well, when your husband has two affairs you pretty much know he doesn't want to be married to you. But I have NO RIGHT to go out and have affairs."

 

He hasn't dug deep enough to find out his whys, I've expressed a need many times to move and he has made his choice. You are right.

[Molly Hooper]

He's a very good husband - he's perfect. Now.

No. Don't say this. You have a problem with him. Now. That's what started this whole thing. Saying he is perfect is negating how your originally felt - unless that's your intention.

 

But I feel like I'm being tricked into staying here if things are good enough.

 

So ultimately, even if your marriage is getting better and his business goes well - if both of those things are happening - you still would like to get out of town?

 

 

Last night I waited until his game was over to talk to him about this.

So I brought it up and of course he never gave ANY thought to other people seeing these boards. I asked if he would feel badly driving down the street or seeing my AP on TV. He said he would.

 

This is good.

 

But then he said "I never should have told you this." as I thought he would. And I said, "so keeping things from me is the way to go?" And he said well sometimes these things don't materialize. I said you're missing the point. This is hard for me. This marriage isn't strong enough so that I occasionally feel threatened by these women. He said nothing. Went back to watching another basketball game. IT just floors me because he said he would kill my AP if he saw him so I don't understand why he doesn't even consider the other BS's.

 

Again. Not about the BS's. While that was good point to get across in the beginning - THIS IS ABOUT YOU. Every time you go back to focusing on other BS's, you're driving the focus away from the two of you and your actual ultimate problem with his behavior.

 

 

Then we got into the whys before bed (he brought it up) and he said he had affairs because he didn't know if I was committed to him or wanted to be married, which I think is a cop out.

 

It is. While you cheated beforehand, he chose to remain in the marriage. This is not a free pass to go have an affair with someone else. I'm not sure what a good reason for cheating would be, but "I don't know if you're committed to me or not" is not a reason to cheat. How would that strengthen the commitment?

 

 

He was in emotional pain and didn't know how to handle it, with a side of revenge thrown in. But he constantly says crap like this that implies everything is my fault and if i hadn't started it - like he has no control over his actions. I said, "well, when your husband has two affairs you pretty much know he doesn't want to be married to you. But I have NO RIGHT to go out and have affairs."

 

You guys are doing the "You hit me so I hit you back" playground struggle. NEITHER OF YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. YOU DID screw this up first - you DID cause this. There is NO way to say in absolute that he would have cheated on you if you'd have never had the initial affair. There is also no way to say he wouldn't have. But the fact is that you did have the initial affair. You screwed up.

 

His actions afterward did not help to rebuild you marriage. They helped to further demolish it. Neither of you sound like you are even interested in marriage at this point. It sounds like you're interested in controlling one another, seeking revenge on one another, and reliving each other's mistakes.

 

 

He hasn't dug deep enough to find out his whys, I've expressed a need many times to move and he has made his choice. You are right.

 

I think you both need to move. But I think you both just need to move on from one another. This relationship sounds toxic for BOTH of you.

[katielee]

Trying to reply with caps

 

 

no. Don't say this. You have a problem with him. Now. That's what started this whole thing. Saying he is perfect is negating how your originally felt - unless that's your intention.

 

What i mean is that he doesnt' have many annoying habits, helps around the house, great father, takes care of me, good in bed.

 

So ultimately, even if your marriage is getting better and his business goes well - if both of those things are happening - you still would like to get out of town?

 

Yes, i'm tired of the triggers here. If he came to me and said, i can't bear to see that man i saw you making out with i would say, "let's go honey. I completely understand. Nothing is worth more than your mental health."

 

 

this is good.

 

 

 

Again. Not about the bs's. While that was good point to get across in the beginning - this is about you. Every time you go back to focusing on other bs's, you're driving the focus away from the two of you and your actual ultimate problem with his behavior.

 

 

 

 

It is. While you cheated beforehand, he chose to remain in the marriage. This is not a free pass to go have an affair with someone else. I'm not sure what a good reason for cheating would be, but "i don't know if you're committed to me or not" is not a reason to cheat. How would that strengthen the commitment?

 

 

 

 

You guys are doing the "you hit me so i hit you back" playground struggle. Neither of you have a right to have an affair. You did screw this up first - you did cause this. There is no way to say in absolute that he would have cheated on you if you'd have never had the initial affair. There is also no way to say he wouldn't have. But the fact is that you did have the initial affair. You screwed up.

 

Yep we both screwed up. And good point on we'll never know.

 

His actions afterward did not help to rebuild you marriage. They helped to further demolish it. Neither of you sound like you are even interested in marriage at this point. It sounds like you're interested in controlling one another, seeking revenge on one another, and reliving each other's mistakes.

 

 

We are interested. His actions were 2.5 years ago. The revenge is done (i hope)... And we don't talk about it hardly at all...

 

I think you both need to move. But i think you both just need to move on from one another. This relationship sounds toxic for both of you.

[xxoo]

You mention he's a great father. Do you have kids together? How would the move affect them?

 

Did your affair partner move for his wife?

 

From what I understand, he didn't ask you to move after your affair. Correct? Instead, he lashed outward and drove the other couple out of town. Maybe that is his perspective: attack, not run. Maybe he thinks that is what you should do.

[eye of the storm]

You both chose to have affairs. You chose to react one way, he chooses to react another. Your reaction was understandable, but didn't affect your career or family's finances. His reaction is different but just as understandable. He is going on with his life and doing what he can to improve his career and his family's finances. His is not living like he has a scarlet letter pinned to his chest. He is moving on.

 

I think you need to both work on why all the affairs. And the anger you have towards him. And maybe the anger he has towards you.

 

To me the billboard is not the issue.

[katielee]

You mention he's a great father. Do you have kids together? How would the move affect them?

 

Did your affair partner move for his wife?

 

From what I understand, he didn't ask you to move after your affair. Correct? Instead, he lashed outward and drove the other couple out of town. Maybe that is his perspective: attack, not run. Maybe he thinks that is what you should do.

 

4 kids. all grown. one lives here.

yes.

correct but i would have. attack? drive the OW out of town? one already talked to the police because I told her employer, Mom and brother.

The PI I hired has pics of the 2nd woman and hubby together. But do I really want to be that person?

[katielee]

He is going on with his life and doing what he can to improve his career and his family's finances.

 

I think you need to both work on why all the affairs. And the anger you have towards him. And maybe the anger he has towards you.

 

To me the billboard is not the issue.

 

well I hope he and his job live happily ever after then.

 

what is the issue then?

[xxoo]

4 kids. all grown. one lives here.

yes.

correct but i would have. attack? drive the OW out of town? one already talked to the police because I told her employer, Mom and brother.

The PI I hired has pics of the 2nd woman and hubby together. But do I really want to be that person?

 

Ok, grown kids can make their own choices. Moving kids or teens can be creating a WHOLE new level of stress in the marriage.

 

Are you resentful that your AP moved for his wife, and your H will not move for you? Is that a factor?

 

I don't think you should attack. But I'm pointing out his mindset. Running away could be defeat. He didn't run when he was faced with the OM. He stood his ground, claimed his space.

 

It's an important point that he never asked you to move. In his mind, I mean. That may be a huge part of why it seems like an unreasonable request to him. He never asked you to do that.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Running away or "moving" as you call it won't solve anything apart from putting miles between you and them.

 

You've got to deal with the deeper issues in your marriage otherwise you'll both be vulnerable to making more bad decisions no matter where you move.

[katielee]

Running away or "moving" as you call it won't solve anything apart from putting miles between you and them.

 

You've got to deal with the deeper issues in your marriage otherwise you'll both be vulnerable to making more bad decisions no matter where you move.

 

ok but what are they?

[katielee]

Ok, grown kids can make their own choices. Moving kids or teens can be creating a WHOLE new level of stress in the marriage.

 

Are you resentful that your AP moved for his wife, and your H will not move for you? Is that a factor?

 

I don't think you should attack. But I'm pointing out his mindset. Running away could be defeat. He didn't run when he was faced with the OM. He stood his ground, claimed his space.

 

It's an important point that he never asked you to move. In his mind, I mean. That may be a huge part of why it seems like an unreasonable request to him. He never asked you to do that.

 

kinda resentful. I asked him if I hadn't had an affair and he did, would he then move? He didn't know.

 

they moved right away though. and I'm not gonna do illegal things and threaten children like he did. I just wont do it.

[xxoo]

ok but what are they?

 

You don't trust your husband.

[road]

I know how he feels about my AP. He drove him out of town. Can he not have some empathy for these men too?

 

 

 

The OM was putting his hot dog in the WW's bun.

 

 

And you think the BH is suppose to have empathy for the OM?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how long you have been doing hallucinate drugs?

[katielee]

You don't trust your husband.

 

no not yet. would you? I mean I trust that he isnt having an affair, but when someone says they had an affair because they didn't know if you were committed or wanted to be with them and you now occasionally have meltdowns and question the relationship because of what they did- do you know how that makes me feel? Like he'll start dating again.

[katielee]

The OM was putting his hot dog in the WW's bun.

 

 

And you think the BH is suppose to have empathy for the OM?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how long you have been doing hallucinate drugs?

 

what ? I'm talking about having empathy for his Ow's spouses. He was one of them once.