Kindness

[jm2013]

And how does he feel about YOUR affair?

 

You did cheat on him first, did you not?

 

This sounds all too common for many BS's to go off on their own tangent years down the road. I thought about this for a little while. It's apparent her husband probably carried unsettled resentment about the initial affair which probably eased his guilt into his own.

[katielee]

What is holding you together? Kids? House? Finances? If you stripped all of those away would you still be there? If you could walk out of the marriage with nothing that would negatively affect your decision would you still be there?

 

yes! Because things have been going great, we love each other, happy memories...! this thing though with his job rankles me. It's our final sticking point we can't get around.

Kids grown, we can each support ourselves.

[katielee]

This sounds all too common for many BS's to go off on their own tangent years down the road. I thought about this for a little while. It's apparent her husband probably carried unsettled resentment about the initial affair which probably eased his guilt into his own.

 

he was in deep pain from my affair. Yes I did it first. He didn't know how to handle his pain so he had affairs. And justified them because I did it. And had to one up me as well. But we're beyond that.

[notbroken]

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse - any excuse - to have a problem with your husband. It's his job. He's not posting to Ashley Madison. He's advertising his work.

 

 

What if he left the toilet seat up? Left his underwear on the floor? Would that be enough reason to leave him?

 

 

You stated you had plenty of other reasons to split. Don't go looking for more. You'll find them if you want. If that is the case, save time and trouble and just do it.

[jm2013]

I agree with the other posters. That would be like Bill Clinton resigning as President because of his own affair. Since he was POTUS it would forever be in the face of his AP and family. But his job required him to always be in the spotlight.

[beach]

Can you adjust your expectations? Empathy is one of those character traits that you either have it or you don't.

 

If he doesn't, and you think you're a better person for having it - where does that leave the relationship?

 

 

He may think he's better than you because he doesn't "feel" THAT much and can go forward to earn money for the family.

 

A different perspective. Can you find enough empathy to appreciate his different perspective?

 

 

 

If the M is strong you shouldn't feel threatened by anyone/anything...

[katielee]

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse - any excuse - to have a problem with your husband. It's his job. He's not posting to Ashley Madison. He's advertising his work.

 

 

What if he left the toilet seat up? Left his underwear on the floor? Would that be enough reason to leave him?

 

 

.

 

 

All the annoying things you listed are very small. believe me, I know the small things from the big things. And with this I'm just like, "hmmm, sensitivity chip missing."

 

I don't know why I would want to start any problems with him. I like it when everything is going good. BUT, I will no longer keep my mouth shut in this marriage and have resentment. That didn't work before. I can totally have a calm conversation with him about it. We can disagree. But too many disgreements about this and I will choose to leave. I would have left my job and this ccommunity for him. Hard for me to fathom why someone wouldn't do that for me.

[katielee]

Can you adjust your expectations? Empathy is one of those character traits that you either have it or you don't.

 

If he doesn't, and you think you're a better person for having it - where does that leave the relationship?

 

 

He may think he's better than you because he doesn't "feel" THAT much and can go forward to earn money for the family.

 

A different perspective. Can you find enough empathy to appreciate his different perspective?

 

 

 

If the M is strong you shouldn't feel threatened by anyone/anything...

 

this is maybe where I should go with it. Be thankful i am empathetic and just realize its not in him to be this way.

He shows his love by providing for me. I get that. That is his perspective. But it's not mine. I don't need that.

The marriage is gaining but we're not at strong yet so that I don't have those threatened feelings. I think I'm doing pretty good considering both women are still in the business community here and I'm fairly trusting of him. I know he appreciates that gift. But I don't think it needs to be up in anyone's face - like a commercial or a billboard.

[Michelle ma Belle]

he was in deep pain from my affair. Yes I did it first. He didn't know how to handle his pain so he had affairs. And justified them because I did it. And had to one up me as well. But we're beyond that.

 

It's abundantly clear you're not. Stop trying to convince us or yourself otherwise.

[jm2013]

All the annoying things you listed are very small. believe me, I know the small things from the big things. And with this I'm just like, "hmmm, sensitivity chip missing."

 

I don't know why I would want to start any problems with him. I like it when everything is going good. BUT, I will no longer keep my mouth shut in this marriage and have resentment. That didn't work before. I can totally have a calm conversation with him about it. We can disagree. But too many disgreements about this and I will choose to leave. I would have left my job and this ccommunity for him. Hard for me to fathom why someone wouldn't do that for me.

 

Where would your family be at financially if he just up and left? Walking away from a stable income with nowhere else to go would be scary for many people. What about retirement? Pension? Age? How hard would it be to get another job? Would another employer hire your husband if he is older? Would they rather fill the gaps of that same position with younger employees? Would your husband be scared to walk away from his job and financial security and think you could walk too and he would be left with nothing?

[beach]

this is maybe where I should go with it. Be thankful i am empathetic and just realize its not in him to be this way.

He shows his love by providing for me. I get that. That is his perspective. But it's not mine. I don't need that.

The marriage is gaining but we're not at strong yet so that I don't have those threatened feelings. I think I'm doing pretty good considering both women are still in the business community here and I'm fairly trusting of him. I know he appreciates that gift. But I don't think it needs to be up in anyone's face - like a commercial or a billboard.

 

I think you may be worried that his OW seeing his face on a billboard will trigger them to contact him when they see it.

 

Do you two have a plan for when that happens? Because it will, most likely...

[beach]

So you're really mad at him that he won't move for you?

[katielee]

I think you may be worried that his OW seeing his face on a billboard will trigger them to contact him when they see it.

 

Do you two have a plan for when that happens? Because it will, most likely...

 

yep. but it happened before and he didnt; tell me, I had to find out on the cell phone bill. Almost left him over that.

so, I'm not sure he'll tell me. He's supposed to tell me if he sees them. apparently, even though one works 100 yards from him, he hasn't seen her in 2 years.

[katielee]

So you're really mad at him that he won't move for you?

 

resigned to it most of the time. Furious about it some of the time.

[katielee]

Where would your family be at financially if he just up and left? Walking away from a stable income with nowhere else to go would be scary for many people. What about retirement? Pension? Age? How hard would it be to get another job? Would another employer hire your husband if he is older? Would they rather fill the gaps of that same position with younger employees? Would your husband be scared to walk away from his job and financial security and think you could walk too and he would be left with nothing?

 

 

fine. I can work anywhere and he could work for less than what he makes but still find a job anywhere. I have the pension and as long as we live and work in this state I'll receive it. He doesnt' have a pension. I would bet an employer would like his expertise but he wouldn't earn as much. To your last question - yes. i've proven I'm not a sure thing. So has he.

[katielee]

this is the one sticking point that is not behind us - I've already explained that.

[katielee]

. i've proven I'm not a sure thing. So has he.

 

so, why should he move for someone who is not a sure thing? And why should I stay if I don't like it here for someone who is not a sure thing?

[beach]

so, why should he move for someone who is not a sure thing? And why should I stay if I don't like it here for someone who is not a sure thing?

 

You can move. If it makes you happy to move you should move - with or without him.

 

 

IF he finds you to be his top priority he will find many ways to be with you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but you're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

You flip flop like crazy between having LOTS of reasons to leave him that go beyond this billboard issue to telling us that all has been forgiven and things are going "great" and how you "trust" him THEN jump back to the "sticking point" and how you might just leave the city with or without him. Which is it?

 

Am I the only one that is confused and exhausted by all of this?

 

Bottom line is this, you either forgive each other or you don't. There is no room for half measures when it comes to saving a marriage after infidelity. Putting conditions on your forgiveness is futile so you might as well stop wasting your time and energy and get out now.

 

You sound angry and still very bitter which isn't going to help save your marriage.

 

Then again, I'm still not convinced that's even what you really want anyway.

[katielee]

I'm sorry but you're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

You flip flop like crazy between having LOTS of reasons to leave him that go beyond this billboard issue to telling us that all has been forgiven and things are going "great" and how you "trust" him THEN jump back to the "sticking point" and how you might just leave the city with or without him. Which is it?

 

Am I the only one that is confused and exhausted by all of this?

 

Bottom line is this, you either forgive each other or you don't. There is no room for half measures when it comes to saving a marriage after infidelity. Putting conditions on your forgiveness is futile so you might as well stop wasting your time and energy and get out now.

 

You sound angry and still very bitter which isn't going to help save your marriage.

 

Then again, I'm still not convinced that's even what you really want anyway.

 

if you're exhausted and confused perhaps you should leave this thread? And where was forgiveness mentioned? Because that hasn't happened yet. Moving forward and getting better - yes. Having every issue worked out - nope.

There are no conditions on forgiveness - I'm simply looking for a livable situation for both of us.

 

He's a great husband in many ways but I'm not going to be married to someone who doesn't make me his priority. And I'm trying to determine if I am.

[Selfish]

As you guys are clearly not on the same page and this isn't going away. Maybe it is time to let him know you are moving and he is free to come with you and start fresh somewhere new.

 

I honestly don't think the tv ad and billboard are a sign of a complete lack of empathy. You can't live your whole life hiding away after something like this. If it was part of his job... But if it is really the whole part and parcel of it I think you should consider moving. He isn't going to change his mind as long as you are still there. I think you need to accept you cannot wait for him to "get it" and do what you want. He probably is waiting for the same from you.

[BetrayedH]

At this point, I really have no doubt that moving is a dealbreaker issue for you for a variety of reasons. And I think you should tell him as much.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I just have to accept that his job comes before anything else, including me.

 

If you're basing that assessment on this one instance of job-related exposure, I don't get it. Maybe there's more to the story than you're telling us.

 

At this point, I'd say it says more that you do see it than that he doesn't. Almost seems like you're looking for justification to feel the way you do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nightmare01]

You know, I'm a WW. After my affair and while hubby and I were in recovery I made sure I went up a different church service and grocery store than my AP's spouse. That's all I could give her- me, out of her way. They've since moved far away.

I now see my husband, also a wayward twice over, not really worried about this. His work has filmed a commercial that will run in the spring. They also are putting up a billboard with his picture on it. My first thought? Does he not care about the BS's seeing this when least expected and being horribly triggered? I wouldnt ever do this. So I get a little less money or do crappier at my job because I refuse to do these things. So what. Do kindness and thinking about others mean anything?

I haven't asked him about this. It's already obvious this has not occurred to him and it's not my job to remind him. I just know I'm married yo a guy who doesn't give a s h i t.

Nice.

Would this not occur to anyone else?

 

A BH here.

Thank you for even considering this. Yes, seeing OM's face would be a huge trigger for me - and I believe it would be a trigger for my WW.

 

WW's OM was an engineer during their affair, but with the downturn and layoffs he has changed professions, he's a Realtor now. I find that a bit disturbing since he is a serial cheater, and showing houses will probably give him an opportunity to cheat again. Fortunately it won't be with my WW, but still... I dunno... some people should come with warning labels.

 

Again, your POV is very considerate and nice. As far as your husband goes, well he seems to have his head up his ass.

[Molly Hooper]

A BH here.

Thank you for even considering this. Yes, seeing OM's face would be a huge trigger for me - and I believe it would be a trigger for my WW.

 

I can definitely see this - However, this is for his job... his livelihood, which if I'm not mistaken, is to contribute to a life he is building (or rebuilding, rather) with his wife. It isn't like he is taking a personal ad out or doing it for any personal reason.

 

OP - Does the success of this ad and the commercial mean very little to you two? What is the purpose of these ads? If you do not believe they will drive revenue, then I understand, but wouldn't you want him to do well in his career?

 

I feel like it's like asking my husband to turn down a role in a TV show because somewhere out there, a BS and OW may see it. While it definitely makes you seem empathetic towards the BS, I don't understand why you are so caught up in that - that is between those two and their relationship now. Your relationship is with your husband. I seem to be missing an obvious link here.

 

You sound more concerned with the BS's wellbeing than that of your husband's and yours. You need to focus on you two and move forward. I wouldn't ask him to take down the billboard or not do the commercial. I would make sure and have a heart-to-heart with him about the plan when the OW contacts him... because if she sees it, I am sure she will be inclined to say something.