Kindness

[katielee]

You know, I'm a WW. After my affair and while hubby and I were in recovery I made sure I went up a different church service and grocery store than my AP's spouse. That's all I could give her- me, out of her way. They've since moved far away.

I now see my husband, also a wayward twice over, not really worried about this. His work has filmed a commercial that will run in the spring. They also are putting up a billboard with his picture on it. My first thought? Does he not care about the BS's seeing this when least expected and being horribly triggered? I wouldnt ever do this. So I get a little less money or do crappier at my job because I refuse to do these things. So what. Do kindness and thinking about others mean anything?

I haven't asked him about this. It's already obvious this has not occurred to him and it's not my job to remind him. I just know I'm married yo a guy who doesn't give a s h i t.

Nice.

Would this not occur to anyone else?

Edited December 2, 2014 by katielee
Misspellings

[Mr. Lucky]

They also are putting up a billboard with his picture on it. My first thought? Does he not care about the BS's seeing this when least expected and being horribly triggered? I wouldnt ever do this. So I get a little less money or do crappier at my job because I refuse to do these things. So what. Do kindness and thinking about others mean anything?

 

Just so I understand your premise, are you saying your H should avoid publicity that's a normal part of his job so his picture won't upset a past AP's spouse?

I just know I'm married yo a guy who doesn't give a s h i t.

 

Lots of anger in the spaces between those letters...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Selfish]

You know, I'm a WW. After my affair and while hubby and I were in recovery I made sure I went up a different church service and grocery store than my AP's spouse. That's all I could give her- me, out of her way. They've since moved far away.

I now see my husband, also a wayward twice over, not really worried about this. His work has filmed a commercial that will run in the spring. They also are putting up a billboard with his picture on it. My first thought? Does he not care about the BS's seeing this when least expected and being horribly triggered? I wouldnt ever do this. So I get a little less money or do crappier at my job because I refuse to do these things. So what. Do kindness and thinking about others mean anything?

I haven't asked him about this. It's already obvious this has not occurred to him and it's not my job to remind him. I just know I'm married yo a guy who doesn't give a s h i t.

Nice.

Would this not occur to anyone else?

We get it. You think you are better than your husband. Maybe it is time to leave him for someone who you feel is your equal?

[katielee]

i don't think I'm better. I wonder why a person wouldn't care about this. I wonder if he's done the work that I have to change my life so that no one gets hurt? Including me.

[katielee]

Just so I understand your premise, are you saying your H should avoid publicity that's a normal part of his job so his picture won't upset a past AP's spouse?

 

 

Lots of anger in the spaces between those letters...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes!!!! To the first part!

Not sure about anger but disappointment for sure.

[road]

You know, I'm a WW. After my affair and while hubby and I were in recovery I made sure I went up a different church service and grocery store than my AP's spouse. That's all I could give her- me, out of her way. They've since moved far away.

I now see my husband, also a wayward twice over, not really worried about this. His work has filmed a commercial that will run in the spring. They also are putting up a billboard with his picture on it. My first thought? Does he not care about the BS's seeing this when least expected and being horribly triggered? I wouldnt ever do this. So I get a little less money or do crappier at my job because I refuse to do these things. So what. Do kindness and thinking about others mean anything?

I haven't asked him about this. It's already obvious this has not occurred to him and it's not my job to remind him. I just know I'm married yo a guy who doesn't give a s h i t.

Nice.

Would this not occur to anyone else?

 

 

 

You have empathy for the BS. You realize and admit to your self the damage you did to the BS and want the BS to heal.

 

 

Your WH does not have any of this.

 

 

You need to tell your WH/BH what you said in your post.

[dichotomy]

I suspect some WS spouses have difficulty enough being accountable, remorseful, and understanding (empathy) the pain they cause their own BS, let alone the AP's spouse or family and doing whatever they can think of to lessen their pain.

 

Many years ago, When I first asked my WW about her past OM's wives or kids - if she felt any accountability or remorse over their pain - she said that was between her AP (OM) and his wife and family. In other words she had no accountability to their pain - because the OM bore that as that was his vows/spouse/family not hers. She also fed back the lines she got from OM about how their wives or marriage were dead, or their wives were not so good and one was cheating too, etc.. making it easier to cheat with them in the first place and lessen empathy to the AP BS.

 

Hard to say what your husband thinks - what not ask him " I think that billboard is going up in the same town that Tom and Jane live in, I hope Tom does not get upset over this" this way your showing your empathy, and waiting to see what your husband says in response.

Edited December 2, 2014 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

Lots of waywards are lacking in empathy. Hell, I suppose it's a prerequisite.

 

For some, it was a temporary abberation. For others, it's a more permanent condition.

[katielee]

Lots of waywards are lacking in empathy. Hell, I suppose it's a prerequisite.

 

For some, it was a temporary abberation. For others, it's a more permanent condition.

 

this is what I'm worried about. For the record, he shows as much empathy as he can towards me, despite not wanting to move.

[katielee]

Additionally, as I dig deeper, it makes me feel unsafe that both OW will be seeing him too...

[dental]

I don't understand. Is it so that he can't do something that is 'normal' in his line of business because of a choice you made?

[katielee]

dental - it's about a choice HE made. He had two affairs after I had an affair. His OW and their families still live here.

[dental]

O.K. thank you. Now it's clear to me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm so confused...

 

What is it you're seeking from us by posting this thread?

 

Let me see if I understand...You had an affair on your husband. Supposedly repented for your wayward ways and deliberately changed churches and supermarkets in order to avoid your MM. In turn, your husband went out and had two affairs but you're assuming he doesn't have any remorse or is doing anything to stay clear of his affair partners because he's putting up a billboard promoting his commercial in your community?!?

 

If you're speaking of the billboard specifically, IT'S HIS JOB! It's not like he's putting up a gigantic online dating profile for heaven's sake.

 

I don't understand why you're so upset when, by your own admission, haven't even spoken to your husband about this in the first place. Translation? You're assuming much until you hear it from the horses mouth.

 

Do yourself a favor and hash this out with your husband.

[katielee]

I'm so confused...

 

What is it you're seeking from us by posting this thread?

 

Let me see if I understand...You had an affair on your husband. Supposedly repented for your wayward ways and deliberately changed churches and supermarkets in order to avoid your MM. In turn, your husband went out and had two affairs but you're assuming he doesn't have any remorse or is doing anything to stay clear of his affair partners because he's putting up a billboard promoting his commercial in your community?!?

 

If you're speaking of the billboard specifically, IT'S HIS JOB! It's not like he's putting up a gigantic online dating profile for heaven's sake.

 

I don't understand why you're so upset when, by your own admission, haven't even spoken to your husband about this in the first place. Translation? You're assuming much until you hear it from the horses mouth.

 

Do yourself a favor and hash this out with your husband.

 

 

I spoke to him about the commercial when it was made in the fall, telling him I wasn't happy about him being in their living rooms now. He said it was part of his job. See, I would have told my company, "no thanks no commercials or billboards, I'm a private person, demote me if you have to."

 

I guess I just have to accept that his job comes before anything else, including me.

 

What am I seeking in this thread? Figuring if i can stay with a man who's not empathetic to others as much I as I think people should be.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I spoke to him about the commercial when it was made in the fall, telling him I wasn't happy about him being in their living rooms now. He said it was part of his job. See, I would have told my company, "no thanks no commercials or billboards, I'm a private person, demote me if you have to."

 

I guess I just have to accept that his job comes before anything else, including me.

 

What am I seeking in this thread? Figuring if i can stay with a man who's not empathetic to others as much I as I think people should be.

 

Are you serious?

 

You want him to opt for demotion to "prove" he cares more about you than his job? You sound terribly selfish.

 

Weren't you the one who cheated on him first? How can you sit in judgement of him when you've been just as insensitive?

 

Just because he's not handling things the way YOU want things to be handled doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. Is he still seeing these or any other women? Are either of you still in throws of your affairs?

 

Something is very fishy here. I don't think you're being completely honest with us which makes it very hard to sympathize with you.

[katielee]

honest? what else could be going on?

 

sit in judgment? so I should give him a pass for everything because I cheated too? Not gonna happen.

 

His priorities are very different than mine and I have to figure out if I can live with that. My job means next to nothing to me. My family - a lot!

[katielee]

 

Just because he's not handling things the way YOU want things to be handled doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. Is he still seeing these or any other women? Are either of you still in throws of your affairs?

 

.

 

neither of us is in the throws of affairs. so, business as usual I guess. all is forgiven and nothing needs to be done.

[Michelle ma Belle]

honest? what else could be going on?

 

sit in judgment? so I should give him a pass for everything because I cheated too? Not gonna happen.

 

His priorities are very different than mine and I have to figure out if I can live with that. My job means next to nothing to me. My family - a lot!

 

You ARE sitting in judgement, don't fool yourself.

 

I'm sorry but if your family really meant THAT much to you, you would have NEVER cheated and put your family in jeopardy in the first place. We all are in control of our actions and have free will and choice. You and your husband made your choices and unfortunately, they weren't good ones. Your actions have consequences.

 

And who said he gets a free pass? All I'm saying is that you shouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house.

 

I think the deeper issue here is that you don't want to be married to your husband, perhaps even before you started the affair and now you're using this commercial/billboard issue as an excuse to leave him.

 

If you're that unhappy then you should leave. People do it all the time.

[katielee]

OMG really? I have plenty of reason to leave without the billboard.

 

and sometimes we don't realize what is important to us until we are on the precipice of losing it. My job was WAY more important to me before the affairs. Not anymore.

[katielee]

Y

 

And who said he gets a free pass? All I'm saying is that you shouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house.

 

 

exactly what a free pass is.

[Michelle ma Belle]

OMG really? I have plenty of reason to leave without the billboard.

 

and sometimes we don't realize what is important to us until we are on the precipice of losing it. My job was WAY more important to me before the affairs. Not anymore.

 

Then perhaps he isn't at that point yet which gives you all the more reason to end your marriage, right?

 

Are you in any kind of therapy; individually or as a couple?

 

You can't even begin to repair the damage to your marriage without some kind of professional help. If you're not yet enrolled AND you WANT to save your marriage, find a therapist.

 

Regardless, I still emphatically disagree with you regarding the billboard/commercial situation. If the people you cheated with live in your community, you are bound to run into them or your paths will cross at some point. If it isn't his face plastered on some billboard (FOR work) then it will be something else you'll disapprove of. Apart from moving out of your community, there is no escaping this.

[jm2013]

OMG really? I have plenty of reason to leave without the billboard.

 

and sometimes we don't realize what is important to us until we are on the precipice of losing it. My job was WAY more important to me before the affairs. Not anymore.

 

What is holding you together? Kids? House? Finances? If you stripped all of those away would you still be there? If you could walk out of the marriage with nothing that would negatively affect your decision would you still be there?

[katielee]

Then perhaps he isn't at that point yet which gives you all the more reason to end your marriage, right?

 

Are you in any kind of therapy; individually or as a couple?

 

You can't even begin to repair the damage to your marriage without some kind of professional help. If you're not yet enrolled AND you WANT to save your marriage, find a therapist.

 

Regardless, I still emphatically disagree with you regarding the billboard/commercial situation. If the people you cheated with live in your community, you are bound to run into them or your paths will cross at some point. If it isn't his face plastered on some billboard (FOR work) then it will be something else you'll disapprove of. Apart from moving out of your community, there is no escaping this.

 

we were dismissed from MC 6 months ago. We are both still in IC. I would like him to be more empathetic. He is not. I would like to move so we don't see either of his OW, he would not. So you see the impasse.

 

If I see the OW I caught him on top of 2 years ago I will leave this community, with him or without. It's too much for me. And he thinks I should be ok with this... as you can tell, it still gets me furious. My reality and perception is that he's choosing his job over me.

Edited December 2, 2014 by katielee
added a sentence

[Michelle ma Belle]

we were dismissed from MC 6 months ago. We are both still in IC. I would like him to be more empathetic. He is not. I would like to move so we don't see either of his OW, he would not. So you see the impasse.

 

If I see the OW I caught him on top of 2 years ago I will leave this community, with him or without. It's too much for me. And he thinks I should be ok with this... as you can tell, it still gets me furious. My reality and perception is that he's choosing his job over me.

 

And how does he feel about YOUR affair?

 

You did cheat on him first, did you not?