singme2sleep Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I've been seeing this guy for two months and so far things have been great. We have had chemistry from the moment we met and have been spending a lot of time together. This past Friday we went out, then he came back to my house and spent the night. In the morning I cooked us breakfast and we just hung out for awhile. Then he said he had to get going because he had some errands to run. I didnt want him to leave yet so I kept hugging and kissing him. Told him when he leaves I'll miss him etc. Eventually I walked him to the door and he kissed me goodbye. For pretty much the whole rest of the day I difht hear from him, which was abnormal. Finally that night he texted me and said he didn't like how I acted. Said it makes him not want to come back, which shocked me because I truly didn't think I acted inappropriately or did anything wrong. It's not like I grabbed his ankles and screamed "don't leave me!" We continued to text back and forth. He tells me he loves that I'm so affectionate but sometimes it's too much. I started to feel like he was breaking things off so I said "ok what now?" and he only replied "idk" I left him alone yesterday, didn't call or text, hoping he'd say something but it's Monday night and he's still not talking to me. What should I do? Was I dumped? Or is the "it's over" speech inevitable? Not sure what to think and I'm upset because I care a lot about him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.... If he wanted to say something, wouldn't he have said it by now?
KatZee Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) I don't think you've been dumped at this point, but you've definitely got his warning bells going, and he's running the other way. I get that you're really into him, but you have to mirror actions. You can't smother him with affection, especially this early on. It's been two months and your actions are saying, "I can't live without you!" When he said he had errands to do, you should have said, "OK babe, have a great day, we'll talk later on." And then gave him a kiss and a push out the door. You don't want to come off needy/clingy right off the bat (or at all). You also want him to make these moves towards you, not just you always hugging and kissing him trying to make him stay. One of my ex's was like this. It was just TOO MUCH and it really was a turn off. He just never stopped with it, and while it was like "Oh, OK I'm flattered." After a while it got to the point where I didn't even want him to come near me because of how clingy he was. Let him come around to you, and if he doesn't? Well, bullet dodged. Because this would be a guy who doesn't know how to communicate all that well. And if he wanted to say something, he doesn't necessarily had to have said it by now. Some guys try to get their point across by stonewalling, or ghosting completely. Both moves are of course, unacceptable. Edited December 2, 2014 by KatZee 4
BC1980 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 Is this the first time you've slept with him? If so, I'm thinking he got scared that after you had sex, you become very clingy (at least, he perceived you that way, which is all that matters). It's always good to remember that guys view sex differently than women. We see it as a bigger commitment than them. To most men, sex doesn't equate a commitment like it would to a woman. So he's probably questioning how much of a commitment he wants and is worried that the relationship is not on equal footing. For me, two months is way too soon to have sex or establish commitment. Did you ever talk to him about you two being exclusive? Anything like that?
Author singme2sleep Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 KatZee- I get what you mean, I do. I guess my problem is once I reallh like someone my heart wants to jump right into the comfortable-we-are-in-a-relationship-now part. I know I have to reign myself in but it's hard. He actually did text me the other night and said that we do need to talk if we're going to continue this...those were his exact words. Then he said maybe tomorrow (this was Monday, so meaning Tuesday) but I never heard from him yesterday. Do you think he's testing me? I'm still confused. I feel like he is ready to bail and I'm worried that he might have been out with another girl last night. It doesn't seem like he's into this anymore.
Author singme2sleep Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Is this the first time you've slept with him? If so, I'm thinking he got scared that after you had sex, you become very clingy (at least, he perceived you that way, which is all that matters). It's always good to remember that guys view sex differently than women. We see it as a bigger commitment than them. To most men, sex doesn't equate a commitment like it would to a woman. So he's probably questioning how much of a commitment he wants and is worried that the relationship is not on equal footing. For me, two months is way too soon to have sex or establish commitment. Did you ever talk to him about you two being exclusive? Anything like that? We didn't sleep together right away, it was like after the 6th date and I guess to most people thats not very long. I didn't plan it, we just got carried away. But I don't regret it. Yes, we did once talk about being exclusive and he said "baby steps" though he also told me if people ask if we're together I can tell them whatever I want. It's a grey area but I don't think it matters now because I feel him pulling back :-(
lil hoodlum Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 First, ignoring someone for a week is very rude, disrespectful, and hurtful. He sounds immature. Second, you didn't do anything wrong. You were expressing yourself. He doesn't like that, forget him and find someone who likes that and appreciates that. Seriously though, don't be so hard on yourself. You are just being you. Some guys just don't appreciate things when they have a good woman in their lives. I mean what would he have preferred, you sitting on the couch non-chantly playing with your phone or something and muttering "see you later, whatever?" 3
lil hoodlum Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 KatZee- I get what you mean, I do. I guess my problem is once I reallh like someone my heart wants to jump right into the comfortable-we-are-in-a-relationship-now part. I know I have to reign myself in but it's hard. He actually did text me the other night and said that we do need to talk if we're going to continue this...those were his exact words. Then he said maybe tomorrow (this was Monday, so meaning Tuesday) but I never heard from him yesterday. Do you think he's testing me? I'm still confused. I feel like he is ready to bail and I'm worried that he might have been out with another girl last night. It doesn't seem like he's into this anymore. Do this guy and favor, when he does message you, ignore him and see how much he likes to be treated this way. 1
Zahara Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) I didnt want him to leave yet so I kept hugging and kissing him. Finally that night he texted me and said he didn't like how I acted. Said it makes him not want to come back Oil and water. Granted you came off a little clingy and I cringed when I read your reaction (only because I've done this with a guy that reacted the same way yours did) when he said he had to leave, but if that caused him to run miles after two months of dating -- it would be in your best interest to pull back and really think about whether you want to keep pursuing this, if he comes back. And I think it's awfully rude that he's ignoring you. I've been with a guy like him. Although he didn't run and he communicated it to me, I had to walk on eggshells. Don't hug too much. Don't kiss too much. Don't get too emotional. Don't talk about the relationship. Ugh. Most times with someone that feels the way you do, things just fall in place naturally. If it bothered him, there is no reason he cannot communicate it with you rather than shut you out. That in itself is a red flag. It either spooked him because he sees how serious you are and he's worried that he doesn't know where he stands or he's just emotionally avoidant. Let him pull back. Chances are he'll be back when he's ready. In that sense, do you really want to watch your every step because you're afraid he's going to disappear because you kissed or hugged him just a little too much? Edited December 3, 2014 by Zahara 1
SycamoreCircle Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I agree with some of the above posts. It sounds as though the two of you are not a match. Nothing you or he does, this early in the game, should warrant this kind of behavior. Also, "idk" in the context of your conversation is an immature reaction. It suggests, to me, someone who is unwilling or unable to address their feelings. He did bring his discomfort up to you. That's good. I know what's done is done but my feelings are you slept with this guy way too early. Do you really want to continue in a relationship where you have to be second guessing your feelings?
lil hoodlum Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Oil and water. Granted you came off a little clingy and I cringed when I read your reaction (only because I've done this with a guy that reacted the same way yours did) when he said he had to leave, but if that caused him to run miles after two months of dating -- it would be in your best interest to pull back and really think about whether you want to keep pursuing this, if he comes back. And I think it's awfully rude that he's ignoring you. I've been with a guy like him. Although he didn't run and he communicated it to me, I had to walk on eggshells. Don't hug too much. Don't kiss too much. Don't get too emotional. Don't talk about the relationship. Ugh. Most times with someone that feels the way you do, things just fall in place naturally. If it bothered him, there is no reason he cannot communicate it with you rather than shut you out. That in itself is a red flag. It either spooked him because he sees how serious you are and he's worried that he doesn't know where he stands or he's just emotionally avoidant. Let him pull back. Chances are he'll be back when he's ready. In that sense, do you really want to watch your every step because you're afraid he's going to disappear because you kissed or hugged him just a little too much? Very good points. Maybe the two of you aren't compatible in that way. Some people enjoy passionate good byes with lots of hugs and kisses, I do. I also agree with Zahara, his response is very off putting.
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