sm2281 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I wonder how strong - or gentle - a push it would take to get you to fall again? Does she like Pina Coladas? Or getting caught in the rain? Mr. Lucky What I mean by all of that is just letting go of the past and living in the moment. If they have 4 kids together I am positive life can get pretty mundane leaving romance out of the picture most times. Cheating early on and lack of trust are an issue, but if romance is inspired between 2 people who actually love eachother then letting go for the night, having some fun, and having the big talk in the morning might be better. It would leave them both in good spirits, and they might actually be able to talk about it rather than fight and throw venom at eachother. Not trying to decipher her likes and dislikes, just trying to throw it out there as an idea. He can do whatever romantic thing she might like. If that means buttsecks in the s&m club - have at it.
Georgia2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Still not sure what exactly to do. Feels good though to get outside advice from people who aren't anywhere close to the situation so thank you all! Would love to get a woman's take on it though...... Once I figure it out I'll surely post to let you all know where I stand. I am a woman. You need to send your cheating wife packing! You trusted your gut and it was right. Fight for custody of your kids don't just hand them over to her. 1
Georgia2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 The saying is, curiosity killed the cat. It sounds like to me that you picked specificly someone from her past that she had a real connection with to do this. You set her up for failure & as a husband you ought to be ashamed of yourself. It be different if you would have pretended to be some random guy she never met & she wanted to meet up. What you did was create a problem for yourself when at the moment there wasn't one & now want to play the victim. So what should you do? Tell her what an idiot you are & get to the bottom of why your relationship isn't stronger. As of right now you're not trying to make you two a stronger unit for your kids,as a man & the head of your family, you're playing teenage boy games with way too much to lose. He was right to do what he did. His gut told him his wife wanted to cheat he gave her the chance to and she took it! 1
sm2281 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I am a woman - who cheated on my fiance before we were married, confessed and the marriage was fine. I am also a woman who had an affair with my husband almost every 4 or 5 months or time permitting. I am also a woman who has been cheated on. And a woman whose marriage was fine until my husband became extremely addicted to pain medication and a brain injury affected his brain so adversly he became violent.
Mal78 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Ok, been through BS and back. Had a gut feeling my wife was wanting to creep. Created a fake email from a BF of hers from high school (knew this wasn't a good idea). Anyway, after talking to her for a few weeks now (as him), she is ready to take the next step and cheat... What do I do?? Let the marriage go? I do love her but now all of this.... We have 4 kids together... Smh............... Have you thought of turning it around to connect? How upset would she be if you aka "him" set up to meet at a hotel room and it's *you*? Have you carried on these emails not getting the least bit excited as if *you* are having an emotional affair except it happens to be with your own wife. Does your heart not pound as you anticipate each email that arrives? I bet you are just as addicted to this rush as she. Do you think she is more wrong in this situation than you? If you love your wife then don't set her up to fail this test.... use this opportunity to put excitement and passion to your relationship. Use it as an opportunity to find out her fantasies and then play them out for her. What she likes in bed... or suggest what she *might* like in bed and *you* play them out. The only victim in this scenario is the ex bf who's name you are faking. For all you know he is an upstanding faithful husband who if word gets back to his SO from another high school acquaintance then *you* are at blame not your wife. High school gossip travels for years. Is she still friends from anyone in high school? 1
EverySunset Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Hold on. Whoooooa If I missed this or misunderstood I'm sorry. You said she cheated. And you cheated. And that now she's aware of your recent "dabblings". Do you mean you recently cheated again, and she's aware you did?
Wondering33 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Curiosity killed the cat, and being willing to sleep with an ex after only a few weeks killed the marriage. So if you love your partner & know their weakness, it's ok to use that against them & say it's their fault? If your spouse was a ex drunk or gambler would you send a email inviting them to a booze filled party at a Casino? It's wrong to purposely trick someone you supposedly love & want to work things out with? He was looking for a problem & now he's got one. It's just as big of a betrayal of trust as the cheating. So you caught a maybe beytral by being completely dishonest & manipulatetive? Makes perfect sense if you want to save a marriage. 1
jm2013 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 So if you love your partner & know their weakness, it's ok to use that against them & say it's their fault? If your spouse was a ex drunk or gambler would you send a email inviting them to a booze filled party at a Casino? It's wrong to purposely trick someone you supposedly love & want to work things out with? He was looking for a problem & now he's got one. It's just as big of a betrayal of trust as the cheating. So you caught a maybe beytral by being completely dishonest & manipulatetive? Makes perfect sense if you want to save a marriage. There are huge implications to what he found out though. IT's not a matter of IF she'll do it again it is WHEN. There will be another man sending those emails instead of him next time. 1
Chemist Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 So if you love your partner & know their weakness, it's ok to use that against them & say it's their fault? If your spouse was a ex drunk or gambler would you send a email inviting them to a booze filled party at a Casino? It's wrong to purposely trick someone you supposedly love & want to work things out with? He was looking for a problem & now he's got one. It's just as big of a betrayal of trust as the cheating. So you caught a maybe beytral by being completely dishonest & manipulatetive? Makes perfect sense if you want to save a marriage. **** no it's not. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 All you've really said is under the right circumstances, like being drunk and in another state, you will cheat. Actually I said, I dunno.. My point was that it's easy to say what you'd do until you are being tempted. Women do not throw themselves at me, and I don't pursue them. I like to think I'd reject a hot young thing who was throwing herself at me though. Some go looking for cheating, and some just soak up flattery when it presents itself. Not sure which his girl is doing at this point.
Wondering33 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 There are huge implications to what he found out though. IT's not a matter of IF she'll do it again it is WHEN. There will be another man sending those emails instead of him next time. As an married adult with children, he should be putting his energy into figuring out what's wrong with his spouse or relationship to why this is happening. Cheating is always a symptom of a bigger problem, with in either the person or relationship, until you figure that out, nothing will ever be fixed or will you have all the information youll need to decide to stay or go. Why confuse your self further? It just isn't logical to me. 2
Wondering33 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 **** no it's not. To me, it is. Being distrustful, is being distrustful. I don't care if it's another person, financial & or a habit you're hiding. Any lying, dishonesty, manipulation, in a marriage is all just as bad. The reason "cheating" is so unforgivable to people (in my experience) is because the cheated on puts themselves up against the other person, which makes their insecurities come out. Ive been cheated on & I never felt insecure about it bc I looked at it like what's the bigger problem, I never put it in my head that the other person held any power.
NateGrey Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 So if you love your partner & know their weakness, it's ok to use that against them & say it's their fault? If your spouse was a ex drunk or gambler would you send a email inviting them to a booze filled party at a Casino? It's wrong to purposely trick someone you supposedly love & want to work things out with? He was looking for a problem & now he's got one. It's just as big of a betrayal of trust as the cheating. So you caught a maybe beytral by being completely dishonest & manipulatetive? Makes perfect sense if you want to save a marriage. The problem is she isn't a drunk or a gambler. If her "weakness" is sex with other men then yes, do anything you can to expose it. I guess the thing is..maybe he was trying to see if the marriage was worth saving, and his wife failed the test to see that. You compare this to booze and gambling, those are addictions. Is she addicted to cheating? Look, I'm not saying the way he went about this is necessarily good, but you are focusing on the wrong thing here. How he found out his wife was willing to cheat again is irrelevant here. If he had to use deception and deceit to find out such a thing I feel he has the right, because we are not just talking about her mental health, but his as well. Why live a lie? There is a problem in the relationship if she will sleep with someone else that quickly, and if she is not going to come forward about it he has to do what he has to do to find out. I think it's better that he did this as opposed to him not doing it and then she just begins cheating for real with someone else and he never finds out. 1
sidney2718 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Still not sure what exactly to do. Feels good though to get outside advice from people who aren't anywhere close to the situation so thank you all! Would love to get a woman's take on it though...... Once I figure it out I'll surely post to let you all know where I stand. I'm a male, but that's not the point here. You have gotten yourself into a major mess. At some point you are going to slip and let her know why you want a divorce. That's when she'll tell you that she knew it was you all along.
Selfish Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Hold on. Whoooooa If I missed this or misunderstood I'm sorry. You said she cheated. And you cheated. And that now she's aware of your recent "dabblings". Do you mean you recently cheated again, and she's aware you did? I too can't believe how many people are completely overlooking this. RECENT "DABBLings" I think this needs to be clarified. but the whole marriage sounds pretty toxic to me!
No Limit Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Sorry but I don't understand all the drama regarding privacy when OPs wife would share a lot more than just a few mails with strangers.
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Ok there is the whole sexual thing but for many BSs it is the lying and deceit that upsets them too, they never expected their partner to deceive them. EAs can be as damaging as PAs for some who see sex as a bodily function, but for their spouse to lie to them is unforgivable. Their marriage is built on trust and a lying spouse can never be trusted. This spouse is lying to his wife, he has set up a honey-trap for her and has dangled a juicy worm in front of her for months and is now crowing that she has taken the bait. I think it is underhand and he set her up to fail, especially with his recent exploits I guess a revenge affair on her part was always going to be on the cards, given any opportunity. HE gave her that opportunity. His recent "dabblings" are now immaterial, as SHE is to blame for the break up of the marriage... Hmm!
Author soconfused72 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Was away for a day and my thread "blew up", thank you everyone for your advice (both positive and negative). Like I said in the beginning I knew it was a bad decision. As I was creating the email I was literally telling myself "don't do this, you are going to regret it" But, that's neither here nor there now, I did what I did and now have to sleep in the bed I made for myself... We've been together since 95'. We married in (June) 2001. On Valentines day 2002 I found out she had been having an affair with a close friend of mine. Needless to say I was completely shocked. I decided to forgive, which I felt I did. In hindsight now, maybe I didn't... On my last post I mentioned "recent dabblings", in 2012 I had an affair with a co-worker that went on for about a year. Both my wife and her husband found out. Even though what my wife did 11 years earlier, she was crushed by this. Like I forgave her she decided she wanted to keep our marriage and forgave me, which now I feel she nor I really has forgiven the other at all. It seems like a vicious cycle. So because of my guilty conscience and the lack of recent intimacy, friendship, partnership, what have you I became suspicious. She really doesn't talk to other people from High School but because of her year books I knew what name to use and did what I did. Don't JUDGE me! WE all are human here and we ALL have faults.... Like I said in the beginning I knew it was a bad idea... I do love her and I really do want to keep the marriage. Not for just the sake of our kids, because one day the kids will be gone and it will be just us. But, because of the knucklehead decision I made I am second guessing myself. Again, thank you all for your points of advice, it has opened my eyes a little wider to the situation. Once I decide what my next move us I will surely keep you all posted.............
Silveron Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 This reminds me of the The Pina Colada Song lol
Silveron Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 But on a more serious note, you need to think about your children!! They are the true victims in this and every time you argue, talk about the affair or mean to each other in front of them you take a small piece of happiness and security from them. You CHANGE your children's personalities and outlook on life by what you do now! You set them on a wrong course on how to treat others by exposing them to this drama. Don't take away your childrens' childhoods by doing these sort of things. You two need marriage counseling, the only way to pull this weed out by the roots so it doesn't continue to grow and cause more harm to you, your wife and most importantly your children.
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