Red123 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I am over a year out from my final Dday with my H and I haven't seen any clues of contact with him and the xMOW. My friend has recently discovered her H was having an A with a woman he met at a bar. This A was very short lived, about a month. Upon discovery he sent the woman a text saying he was out and asked for NC from her. They texted back and fourth that day, my friend seeing it all, then he hasn't heard from her again. This was around 2 weeks ago. My friend has told others that believe that the texts were orchestrated by her H and the OW to throw her off and I disagree. She didn't agree to reconcile and offered him to leave and be with the OW and he stated he didn't want her. I can only look at this from my own experience which is after he finally confessed to everything, he wrote a NC letter on his own, I read it, but he sent it the next day and has shown me each time she tried to contact him afterward. We have heard nothing from her since April when he threatened to tell her H if she didn't leave him alone. I can't see why someone would orchestrate these kinds of conversations when they could just go be with the other person. I like my friend gave H the option of leaving too. Our kids aren't really young and we both make around the same amount of money, I even offered to leave the house as I have friends with rooms to rent. My friend is in a similar situation as me, so from my experience I can't see why he would do that. Just curious what do you guys think? Do people really do that? Even when they don't have to? Thanks LS
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) Hi Red, I think it is tricky. If a spouse is deceptive enough to have an affair I wouldn't discount a thing. The only way for your friend to be definitive is to plant the VAR or install some sort of stealth app for the phone. If he's still frequenting the bars or going out with the guys after getting caught with this being so fresh would raise red flags all over the place. Edited December 1, 2014 by jm2013
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 My MW and I have pre-written NC letters and response that serve as code. If those three words are in the letter, then it means go to a pre-determined underground channel of communication if her spouse decides to re-write the letter. Meaning if it is sent as pre-written, I know. If it is not as pre-written but includes those three words, I know as well.
Author Red123 Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Hey JM, came back from my break lol. I hear what you are saying and to my knowledge he isn't even trying to go out, as I'm pretty sure that would be a deal breaker for her. I guess in my mind if you want someone else why not just go. I would rather be alone than with someone who wants someone else. Realist I'm sorry but I really can't understand why you would do that. I have read some of your threads and your situation seems really different than most of the As I have encountered. To each their own but that seems like a lot of hiding and work just to stay married. Why not just be with MOW? That's just a thought you don't have to answer, I'm sure you have in threads I just may not have seen. As far as my friend goes this month long A with a OW he met at a bar is probably not as calculated as your A is. My Hs A wasn't either, under 4 months. At that stage you probably weren't in as deep as you are now. 1
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Hey JM, came back from my break lol. I hear what you are saying and to my knowledge he isn't even trying to go out, as I'm pretty sure that would be a deal breaker for her. I guess in my mind if you want someone else why not just go. I would rather be alone than with someone who wants someone else. Realist I'm sorry but I really can't understand why you would do that. I have read some of your threads and your situation seems really different than most of the As I have encountered. To each their own but that seems like a lot of hiding and work just to stay married. Why not just be with MOW? That's just a thought you don't have to answer, I'm sure you have in threads I just may not have seen. As far as my friend goes this month long A with a OW he met at a bar is probably not as calculated as your A is. My Hs A wasn't either, under 4 months. At that stage you probably weren't in as deep as you are now. Yeah, I guess that's what I don't get either. If my wife wasn't fulfilling my needs and drove me to look elsewhere for my own satisfaction I don't think there would be a point to be married. I'm sure there are many reasons why people hide them. Finances, kids etc. Many divorces typically toss both parties into financial turmoil. 1
gettingstronger Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Of course anything is possible but this just sounds like your friend is still in shock and worried about getting hurt all over again so she is paranoid- Just an aside- I had a friend also going through what I am going through and at first I thought we could help each other- however, I discovered she is going about reconciliation totally different than I am- it seems she pretty much hates her husband, will never trust him again, really beats on him mentally over what happened, etc.... I can not blame her or her feelings as we all handle this differently, but I did have to wean myself off of her because she was toxic for me and my reconciliation- not saying your friend is, just saying be very careful
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 My MW and I have pre-written NC letters and response that serve as code. If those three words are in the letter, then it means go to a pre-determined underground channel of communication if her spouse decides to re-write the letter. Meaning if it is sent as pre-written, I know. If it is not as pre-written but includes those three words, I know as well. I am not surprised at all, by that, Realist3, and that seems eminently sensible, if the object is to continue the affair after any NC restrictions are put into place.
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 BTW. Good to see you back! LS is a hard place to get away from 2
badkarma2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 BTW. Good to see you back! LS is a hard place to get away from Sometimes with all the pain and misery i see inflicted here...Its a difficult place to stay....... 1
Author Red123 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Of course anything is possible but this just sounds like your friend is still in shock and worried about getting hurt all over again so she is paranoid- Just an aside- I had a friend also going through what I am going through and at first I thought we could help each other- however, I discovered she is going about reconciliation totally different than I am- it seems she pretty much hates her husband, will never trust him again, really beats on him mentally over what happened, etc.... I can not blame her or her feelings as we all handle this differently, but I did have to wean myself off of her because she was toxic for me and my reconciliation- not saying your friend is, just saying be very careful So far she's just wanting support. I don't really give advice to her just opinion, I am no expert but I have known her for over 20 years so I do know her pretty well and can point out when she is not looking out for her own best interest. I don't know anyone else IRL that has been through this so I haven't encountered anything like that yet.
Author Red123 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 I am not surprised at all, by that, Realist3, and that seems eminently sensible, if the object is to continue the affair after any NC restrictions are put into place. This is what I struggle to understand the most. If the A is discovered and the WS wants to R and NC is the stipulation why would you stay if you can't do it? Or if you want the other person and not your spouse? I just don't get the point, why not be with the one you want and let the other go?
Author Red123 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Sometimes with all the pain and misery i see inflicted here...Its a difficult place to stay....... I agree. I take breaks sometimes because I get too involved in some of the threads, then I trigger, then I remember that I don't actually know these people and their situations are not mine, then break time comes lol. For sanity and so my H doesn't pay for what others are doing:)
bathtub-row Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 If the affair only went on for a month, then it's unlikely that they came up with some code. As someone else said, anything is possible but it's not likely. 1
Author Red123 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 If the affair only went on for a month, then it's unlikely that they came up with some code. As someone else said, anything is possible but it's not likely. That's what I'm thinking too, but I would never think to create codes to talk to someone, so that's why I'm asking the masses. I'm of the thought that this was a fling and that it's likely over. Fingers crossed that it is if she takes him back, it's looking like she is.
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I am not surprised at all, by that, Realist3, and that seems eminently sensible, if the object is to continue the affair after any NC restrictions are put into place. It goes a little further than that. We are both grammar police with each other. Two of the words are commonly used and commonly misspelled. The misspelling of those words is the key.
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 This is what I struggle to understand the most. If the A is discovered and the WS wants to R and NC is the stipulation why would you stay if you can't do it? Or if you want the other person and not your spouse? I just don't get the point, why not be with the one you want and let the other go? Cheaters cheat for all different reasons, some get very attached to the OW/OM, or they get hooked on the excitement and subterfuge, or they are just cake eaters, etc. Some only want R because of the children, or do not want friends, family, neighbours to see them as the baddie, or they want the house, the status, or financial security, etc. etc. it maybe nothing actually to do with the BS. So whilst they want R, and in order to conform and play the game they promise NC, in reality they are still hooked on cheating, or they just cannot give up the AP.
Author Red123 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Cheaters cheat for all different reasons, some get very attached to the OW/OM, or they get hooked on the excitement and subterfuge, or they are just cake eaters, etc. Some only want R because of the children, or do not want friends, family, neighbours to see them as the baddie, or they want the house, the status, or financial security, etc. etc. it maybe nothing actually to do with the BS. So whilst they want R, and in order to conform and play the game they promise NC, in reality they are still hooked on cheating, or they just cannot give up the AP. Sad way to live IMO. For everyone involved.
Striver Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 It goes a little further than that. We are both grammar police with each other. Two of the words are commonly used and commonly misspelled. The misspelling of those words is the key. With anything this involved, the APs are clearly more excited by all of the sneaking around than they ever would be by an actual relationship. The other partners are needed to have someone to sneak around on. 4
gettingstronger Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 My best guess is most people are not as morally bankrupt as that-most do not have an elaborate plan to continue to deceive and if they do, they don't use it- most would use it as an opportunity to live authentically be it with the spouse or the AP- I can not imagine too many would feel good continuing to deceive and lie-people for the most part are good, not immature ego trippers looking to continually hurt their spouse-the bright light of being found out usually shakes them out of that one way or another- 1
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 With anything this involved, the APs are clearly more excited by all of the sneaking around than they ever would be by an actual relationship. The other partners are needed to have someone to sneak around on. That is EXACTLY why exposure of the affair and packing their suitcase and giving them carte blanche to be with their AP often produces the opposite effect. It's just NOT as much fun when you do not have a spouse (often a stand in for the parent you perceived did you wrong) to rebel secretly against. 2
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