JuliaAnna Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Hello everyone, My name is Julia and I am new here. I've read the forum for a long time but never actually made an account, so even though you don't know me I feel like I know many of you. Today I found the courage to ask advice for my own problem. I've been married for 7 years now and this year we had a baby (6 months old). There were a lot of challenges and problems along the way, which I think are normal when a baby arrives. One of the problems is that I don't feel like having sex anymore. We've tried, but it feel uncomfortable for me and I began to dread it. Well, about a week ago I noticed that my husband has been staying up late on his computer for a few days in a row, which is not like him, mostly since both of us are tired from dealing with the baby. In one of the nights it happened that I went downstairs to check on him and he was in the washroom, so I look at his computer and he was on a website. I didn't get a chance to look more at it but the next day I remembered the name, Charming Vagabonds or something... So I went and made an account myself, and it is what I dreaded the most. It's some sort of website where people go to "flirt" with other people. I feel cheated... I haven't confronted him about it because I am not sure where I stand. Is online flirting considered cheating? Should I say anything? thank you in advance for your suggestions, Julia
Ducktape Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 In my opinion, yes it is cheating. It is emotional cheating. It is something I would never tolerate.
CarrieT Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Yes, he is emotional cheating. But you two have a much bigger problem and that is the loss of intimacy in that you both can't talk about your issues. You don't feel like having sex; that happens often after having a baby. But how long do you expect him to live in a sexless relationship? Everyone has needs and if those needs are not being met, any person - not just a man - will start to figure out how to fulfill their needs.
Ducktape Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 But how long do you expect him to live in a sexless relationship? Everyone has needs and if those needs are not being met, any person - not just a man - will start to figure out how to fulfill their needs. Errrr... Or communicate your needs with the person you love? Having no sex in your relationship isn't an excuse to cheat.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I do think that the evolution to this point, which you describe, is central to how you came to find yourself here. With that said, I think there is a whole lot (of attainable ground) between your (merely) not wanting to have sex anymore, and being/seeming completely apart from your relationship. For the same reason that it is never sensible for a male to initiate intercourse with a woman with exactly zero lead-up/build-up to it, I suggest there is a whole lot between where you are, and what you could be doing to at least seem to be in your relationship. Of course your disinterest in sex right now falls well within the bounds of probable-normalcy, this soon after you've had a baby... but you have to keep the lines of communication open, so as to prevent the drifting apart which you are potentially already in the throes of doing. Is it merely the sexual act that you have no interest in at present, or is it any form of intimacy? If it is exclusively the sexual act, then you have to do what you can, and make it known to your husband what you can do with regard to sharing intimacy. Right now you motivate yourself by understanding that the direct, shared communication between you and your husband is the 2nd-most important thing under your shared roof at present. Then at least bring yourself to a point where you know, for future reference, that you did your half in maintaining that.
Author JuliaAnna Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 I contacted him on that site with my fake account. He doesn't know it's me. So far he just asked me things about myself. I asked him what he is looking for on the site and he said he is just having some fun and he doesn't intend to date anyone there. HE explained to me that the site is not for dating, but just flirting. I don't even know what that means. He invited me to a private encounter of some sorts, so I have a "date" with my own husband on a stupid website. I want to go and see what he has been like with other women on that site. I am probably doing myself more harm than good, but at least I will know what is going on. To answer some of the advice above, I don't want to "communicate" with him just yet. I am afraid that I will be too angry to listen to his point of view. It's not my fault I am not interested in sex. My hormones will level up eventually and I will be my normal self, but until then, it is what it is... I don't know if any of you have kids, but the first 6 months of their lives you don't know up from down and left from right. I found my purse in the fridge one day and I wanted to feed the cats with formula... It's not hard, it's beyond imagination hard. I thought that we will both do what we have to do to survive the tough period and then recover later on. And yes, that might mean no sex, no shower ever day, no cooked food every day and stuff like that. "Charming vagabonds" was not on the list of coping techniques...
flightplan Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I contacted him on that site with my fake account. He doesn't know it's me. So far he just asked me things about myself. I asked him what he is looking for on the site and he said he is just having some fun and he doesn't intend to date anyone there. HE explained to me that the site is not for dating, but just flirting. I don't even know what that means. He invited me to a private encounter of some sorts, so I have a "date" with my own husband on a stupid website. I want to go and see what he has been like with other women on that site. I am probably doing myself more harm than good, but at least I will know what is going on. To answer some of the advice above, I don't want to "communicate" with him just yet. I am afraid that I will be too angry to listen to his point of view. It's not my fault I am not interested in sex. My hormones will level up eventually and I will be my normal self, but until then, it is what it is... I don't know if any of you have kids, but the first 6 months of their lives you don't know up from down and left from right. I found my purse in the fridge one day and I wanted to feed the cats with formula... It's not hard, it's beyond imagination hard. I thought that we will both do what we have to do to survive the tough period and then recover later on. And yes, that might mean no sex, no shower ever day, no cooked food every day and stuff like that. "Charming vagabonds" was not on the list of coping techniques... This sounds like a great movie plot... but seriously, I think you're digging a hole. If you have to go incognito to communicate with your husband, than something is seriously out of kilt and it does no good to feed that beast. I can understand what you're doing, but you're going about it in a very immature way. Imagine his reaction if he ever found out what you did. Drop the account, put on your big girl pants and do what you know you should be doing. C'mon, you know deep down you shouldn't be doing this. You're just as guilty has him. Stop this and reach out to him and discuss it like two adults.
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