Eighty_nine Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) I need to vent... I was seeing a girl, we'll call her A, back in August. She got mad at me about something and instead of talking to me about it, just went MIA. I was pretty bummed because I really liked her but obviously had to move on. So early October I meet a guy, I'll call him B. At first I wasn't sure but by our 3rd date, I really liked him. After date 3 with B, A contacts me again after two full months. She apologizes for what happened before and said she'd like to "fix" things. I didn't know if she meant as friends, or what. Didn't hear from her for 5 days so I hung out with B again. So then "A" and I resume dating and I stop seeing B; we'd only been out 3 times so it wasn't serious. I never officially ended things with him, just became unavailable for dates. Sometime during this time I'm looking at B's Facebook and discover that A and B have dated. It was several years ago, but still pretty bizarre. So on a date with A, I tell her that before she came back around I had dated this guy a few times and tell her I think she did too... she confirmed they used to date. We had a good laugh. But, her demeanor toward me changed as the night went on. Even though she had been out of my life for TWO MONTHS, I got the feeling she was irritated I was dating other people. Long story short... we end up in a big fight at the end of the night. She was pretty cold and rejecting toward me. we communicated via email after that, just a little... I suggested being just friends (only bc I didn't want to lose her from my life) she agreed, however didn't contact me at all & asked that I not respond to her last email. (???) So I continue dating B. By now, I really like him and am somewhat attached to him. But I feel like I miss A and so I make one more attempt to contact her, writing an email... I sort of stayed neutral, just giving the impression that I'd like her in my life whether as a friend or more. I assumed she'd ignore my email and then I could move on. This was Thursday, and I didn't hear anything from her. Til last night (Sunday) when I was out to eat with B. A starts calling me- she calls 3 times in a row. After dinner I called her back and she immediately asks me "Are you still dating B?" I said, well yeah... You know I wanted to date you, but it didn't work out and I genuinely like B. She seems almost angry about it... as if I shouldn't be dating anyone else even though she basically confirmed she only wanted to be friends with me, AND didn't contact me for 3 full weeks after that. So she goes on to tell me that she thinks I don't know how to be alone and that I don't know myself because of that, and that she doesn't want to date anyone who doesn't know herself. She tells me that once I'm single for a whole month (apparently this is when I'm supposed to find myself?), she would like to go on another date with me. She told me again that she still likes me. She also says "you didn't try to contact me for weeks" even though she TOLD me not to reply to her email! The call ended with no real clarity... but I guess she and I are going to be friends until whenever I've been single for at least a month. Again - ?? So now I'm so confused and feel torn about my feelings toward B, because I like A, and have liked her for quite awhile. I want a chance at a relationship with her, I do. But she clearly has some issues and is a total game player, whereas B is open about his interest in me and treats me very well. The other thing is, though, I have some trust issues with B and I'm not sure why. Some instinct tells me not to trust him, but I feel like that may just be because of my relationship history and not actually because of him. He's never been anything but good to me. I know if I stop seeing B I could be making a huge mistake. But I feel like I'm not 100% in it with him now because I'm thinking of her. I never should've emailed her, but had she ignored me I could've moved on and really allowed myself to get closer to B. I feel all mixed up. Edited December 1, 2014 by lissvarna
Ebelskiver Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Ack! Run far far away from A! She is playing games. And while games can be exciting and can stir up strong feelings, in the end they are hollow emotions based on drama with no real foundation. Give B a real chance and tell A you appreciate her opinion but you gave her every opportunity and you don't have to earn her affection.
Mrin Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Well obviously A is bad news. You should stay away. She's a game player but you have some culpability in this as well. I'm not sure if it is just want what you can't have-itis or if you deep down enjoy the drama dance with her. You need to confront that because try as you might to convince yourself you contacted her just to be friends - you didn't. You wanted something else. And now you got it or got something. This is really unfair to B. You realize that. Honestly you need to cut A completely and forever out of your life. Never ever never. Then maybe you can date B. But as long as A is out there... Lingering just over the horizon... You'll never be able to date B for real or anyone else for that matter. Believe me. I've been in your exact same spot.
Author Eighty_nine Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Well obviously A is bad news. You should stay away. She's a game player but you have some culpability in this as well. I'm not sure if it is just want what you can't have-itis or if you deep down enjoy the drama dance with her. You need to confront that because try as you might to convince yourself you contacted her just to be friends - you didn't. You wanted something else. And now you got it or got something. This is really unfair to B. You realize that. Honestly you need to cut A completely and forever out of your life. Never ever never. Then maybe you can date B. But as long as A is out there... Lingering just over the horizon... You'll never be able to date B for real or anyone else for that matter. Believe me. I've been in your exact same spot. I know I didn't contact her to just be friends.. I'm not in denial about it. But I definitely didn't actually think through what I'd do if she responded/put the idea of "someday" dating back on the table. I only thought about how I'd feel if I got no response, and once I had accepted that... I decided to email her. I wish I knew if I am just addicted to any type of "drama" and that's why I keep playing this game with her. I keep finding myself wanting to contact her today... and I might. It's like I want her to be rejecting again so I can move on. Other alternative is to totally cut her off, block further contact and move on. My fear is that I STILL won't really open up to B because I'll be wondering about her, and 'what if' I'd tried harder or kept her in my life. So I worry I won't be able to be with him no matter what I do and it seems like such a waste of what is really a good, budding relationship. Ugh.
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