newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 a few months ago i moved to my ex's city. he and i had broken up 1.5 years prior due to his inability to deal with the distance. i didn't tell him i was moving here because we had not had a single phone conversation since the breakup, and i wanted to start off fresh. my ex did find out that i now live here (shared professional circles), and after sending a bunch of happy/surprised/probing emails, he asked me to dinner. because i was seeing someone else and not sure if i even wanted to be bothered with the ex, i took about a month to respond. eventually, i said yes but that it is a generally busy time. he seemed very excited and asked me to let him know when i had an opening in my schedule. about a week and a half later, i let him know that i should have some time coming up. it has now been a few days, and he hasn't responded to that email. i still have feelings for this ex, but obviously not a lot of trust or any real hope of reconciliation. friendship would be okay if we could manage it sincerely. i am very resistant to the idea of contacting him again -- he dumped me after all. still, i am trying to figure out what has happened here and what i should do, if anything. thanks!
Author newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 any thoughts here? because this involves an ex whom i loved dearly and who left me gutted, i am sensitive and don't always see things clearly. i would appreciate outside perspectives.
StalwartMind Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I'm just a bit confused about your feelings, but most certainly always curious as to understand someone else and why they feel and think the way they do. I understand you have feelings, he is your ex etc. and I'm sure you have some good memories of him. It's only natural to feeling something especially if you are the one being dumped. What I don't quite get is, what do you actually truly want from all this. The only thing you mention, is that a friendship would be "okay". This makes me wonder, is that really good enough to go through headaches, waiting games, etc. just for something that would be considered "okay". It seems like wasted effort and possibly a lot of emotional disturbance if you want to go through with this. Don't misunderstand me, it might be exactly what you need and it may be perfect for someone to just have something "okay" with one's ex. Personally I would much rather spend time and effort on and with someone whom I could have an amazing time with. Just to be clear I'm not trying to tell you to drop any attempt with re-establishing a friendship with your previous partner, but to me it just seems like a potential disappointment. That coupled with a lack of trust would just turn me off a great bit. Maybe you need to ask yourself a few questions such as, where could i see this go and what exactly is my highest and lowest expectation from all of this. Weigh your options and opinions and see what scale your gut feeling pulls you most towards. I strongly encourage every person on this planet to go for something that makes them feel wonderful, it just seems so mediocre to settle for mediocre. I'm sorry if that seems a bit humorous to say, but really, our time on this planet should be spend doing things that make us feel a bit more than "okay". At least in my humble opinion 1
Author newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) thank you for your response. mainly, i want to understand what might be happening. this does seem complicated and confusing and unnecessary. this is why i have not initiated any contact with my ex in all this time. i simply agreed after over a month of considering (and after getting lots of encouragement on this site to do so) to have dinner with him. we do have friends and colleagues in common, so i thought it would make for a richer social life if we were on speaking terms. i think i also thought it would heal some of the breakup history. (again, he dumped me by phone and never called me again after a 2-year relationship). i did love him. but if not for his repeated outreach and invitation to dinner, we would not be in contact at all. i must admit that, like any one who is being ignored, i just wonder if i did something wrong. Edited December 1, 2014 by newlyborn
TigerCub Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 You took a month to reply to him and now he's taking a few days and it's making you wonder if you did anything wrong. That doesn't make too much sense. Maybe he is hesitating for the same reasons you are, or maybe he is busy too. 5
losangelena Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I agree with TigerCub. You took a whole month. He's taking several days. Give it time. You sound ambivalent at best. You don't have to be on going-out terms with your ex, even if you do want a better social life. You can be cordial without any one-on-one contact. I'm betting that even if you do try and get some clarity, this guy is going to make it very hard to come by. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I agree. From his perspective you appear lukewarm at best. He's trying to play it cool. He will get back to you soon. When you see him then you can get a better read on the situation. 1
Author newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) thanks, my friends! i do feel ambivalent. i think i also regret agreeing to have dinner. my ex is a lovely person, but he is also depressive, passive aggressive, awkward. and he dumped me! he actually formulated and followed through on a plan to never see me again in life. i just don't think i have the energy or the confidence for all of this. it is really hard to be the dumpee when the ex reappears... thanks again! Edited December 1, 2014 by newlyborn
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Have dinner with him. Focus the conversation on work & professional topics since you have that in common. If you are not feeling it, you certainly don't have to get back together with him but for the sake of civility in your work environment, be gracious.
Brooke02 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Broke up with you by phone then went NC on you after a 2 yr relationship? You didnt deserve that! That alone would make me not want anything to do with him. What if he does that to you again, i would let this one go or if anything dont take it too serious. 1
Author newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Broke up with you by phone then went NC on you after a 2 yr relationship? You didnt deserve that! That alone would make me not want anything to do with him. What if he does that to you again, i would let this one go or if anything dont take it too serious. well, to be fair, he did send me a few apologetic emails after the breakup and asked to be in contact again. but i declined the offer of friendship and blocked him... when i moved to his city, he used his work email to contact me on my work email. that's why he was able to reach me at all.
Poppygoodwill Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I think the month you took to get back in touch might have (rightly) sent a clear signal that you're not really interested and have grave misgivings about being in touch with him. Thus I wouldn't blame him for not being in touch with you. He might even be sensitive enough to reflect that he put you in a strange position and has thought better of it. Or maybe he has a new gf and doesn't want to muddy the waters. Who knows? Either way, I'd leave it if I were you. why dredge up all that emotion and confusion? What's to be gained from it? If it can't be done easily and without a great deal of discomfort for either of you, it ain't worth it. IMHO 1
Author newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) Either way, I'd leave it if I were you. why dredge up all that emotion and confusion? What's to be gained from it? If it can't be done easily and without a great deal of discomfort for either of you, it ain't worth it. IMHO i agree! i hadn't planned on doing anything. i already let him know that i will have some time available soon. if he does respond, i will keep my word and have dinner. given our history though, there might be too much confusion, anxiety and distrust for it to be worth it... Edited December 1, 2014 by newlyborn
Author newlyborn Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) just wanted to come back with an update: ex has been in touch. you were all right! he was just busy (and probably feeling a way because i had taken so long to get agree to dinner). so after declaring again that he "would love to see me so soon!" it is probably up to me to actually schedule that dinner... Edited December 10, 2014 by newlyborn
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