Broken up after 4.5 years, life has completely changed, No clue what im doing

[OneConfuzedGuy]

Ok I do not know where to even begin. I decided to post this because I am feeling more lost then I have ever felt or could imagine. I know I am not the only one going through it but I feel the pain constantly in my head and on my mind.

 

Me and her were together 4.5 years, 4 years living together. I am 27 she is 26. That's right, 4 years living together. It was a unique relationship because we traveled 6 months in Australia during the first year after college and then came back to the states and continued living together. We went through a lot together and went from working our part time jobs we had since high school, to finding stable full time jobs with our degrees. She also worked at a restaurant downtown in addition to her full time job. There was definitely a lot of time spent together, but also very much time where we didn't always see each other(which was a good thing). However, the part that comes into question, and is the part where I feel most guilty about, was not letting go of past issues, which caused arguments and fights. We had a big issue 6 months before breaking up where she got really upset that I continued bringing up the past issues. Long story short, I thought we had sorted out everything and I apologized and figured that it didn't matter anymore and we could just move on.

 

Well, I believe I might have pushed her away and during those 6 months we started to get more distant. During those 6 months she began to hang out a lot more after work with her restaurant friends, which was fine by me. Except I never got an invite and every time I mentioned hanging out or meeting these people there was always an excuse. Then a month before we broke up we just signed a year lease for a new place together and I thought things were getting better. Then as soon as we move in to the new place she begins to hang out even more with her friends from the restaurant and the distance began to feel stronger. We were also fighting more about little things and just were not getting along. Then a couple nights after her not coming home until very late in the evening without calling or texting to let me know(she always would) I began to get a bad feeling. We broke up a few days later. She said that she felt as if she didn't want to come home and when did we stop becoming best friends and just roommates.

 

This was the girl I thought I was going to marry. We had talked about it and was certain it was going to happen. Especially since signing the new lease. Since then I moved out and she is paying the bills because she has two jobs. I am devastated. I had to move back in with my parents, meanwhile she keeps the very nice new place we just moved into. I had to move out 1 MONTH after moving in.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up. The first month I felt nothing, like if it was just a vacation from her and no worries everything's cool. I thought you know, this isn't so bad I guess we weren't good for each other. The first month consisted of us communicating only through e-mail to sort out bills and accounts and such. But after 1 month, that's when it hit me, and hit me hard. I reached out to her to maybe get some coffee and talk about things and she said she would look at her schedule and get back to me. After hearing nothing at all is when I began to spiral down.

 

It has been 2 months of straight up pain and torture. I have tried calling her 2 more times during this span, once didn't leave a message and the 2nd time just left a basic message like hey I would like to talk get back with me. Still nothing. During these 2 months I can't describe to you the pain I am feeling. Being 27 back at the parents house( I am grateful I have parents to let me back in and support me) but after living on my own for so long it is devastating. Meanwhile, she has her own nice place and probably doesn't feel half of what I'm feeling. I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of it but obviously it is not working. I am seeing a therapist and trying to hang out with friends when I can but I have no energy and I am feeling hopeless and have such negative thoughts about my future.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense as I type this at 4 in the morning because I cant sleep and my negative thoughts are getting to me. Sorry if this is too long but I really don't know what to do anymore. I am back living at home with no positive future of relationships or girls in sight. I feel like I am a wreck. I just want to feel better, normal, happy, positive. Hell laugh or smile once in a while. This is tearing me up more then I want to admit. I am just 3 months in but really just feels like 2 months considering the first month I was in complete shock and denial.

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!

[LostInLosingLove]

After 2 years of being broken up from an 8 year relationship living with my 'ex-fiance': I'm still not completely over her/it.

 

What I can say with certainty about my experience is that once I finally decided to let it go and move on, things became easier. I still hurt and I still love but not with as much intensity nor with as much passion.

 

Except on those days...

 

Things feel down now, as they should. It's all traumatic. Though, you still have everything you have without her. Remember that under all that mess, you're still a man.

 

Be the man.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

What I can say with certainty about my experience is that once I finally decided to let it go and move on, things became easier....Remember that under all that mess, you're still a man.

 

Be the man.

 

I'm reminded of that "Band of Brothers" episode, early on in the mini-series, where a cowardly private is counseled by his hard-chargin' lieutenant, something along the lines of, "You're scared because you still have the hope that you'll make it out alive. Fear is what's keeping you from doing what you have to do to survive, and hope is what's keeping the fear alive"...something like that. I think the old Japanese text "The Way of the Samurai" says the same thing right at the beginning, too -- how hope gets in the way of doing what must be done.

 

I try to remember such things when my emotions start acting up. That, and taking deep breaths in the "Buddhist meditation way," being mindful of just the breath, of its passing back and forth by my nostrils, gently (non-judgmentally) guiding my attention back to only that when the mind naturally wanders to anything else....

 

I try to be a man -- but remember to have sympathy for myself. As a former infantryman, I'm shocked that by being sympathetic to myself instead of beating myself up for being weak, I actually get better faster...at least until the next emotional roller-coaster! And yet, each time my emotions act up they are not as bad as before...I now think that intelligent self-soothing is what helps us be real men, not, as I had thought, "just" "being tough" about things....

Edited December 1, 2014 by TiredConfusedHurtSad
Addenda.

[d0nnivain]

As much as it hurts, especially this time of year, you have to accept that it's over. All the fights in the last several months are indicators that this was not as good as you thought. Yes, you will grieve for a while but eventually this will pass.

 

 

For now, concentrate on getting through the holidays. Save some money & work on getting a new place in the Spring. When you are back to being independent & out of your parents' house things will start to look up again.

[OneConfuzedGuy]

Thanks for the responses. I guess I am feeling very lonely and hopeless right now. My after college life was living with her and that is all I have known. Sure I have friends and such I hang out with but it is completely different. I do not know where to even start to meet other girls/date other girls even though I know deep down I am not ready for that. I still feel like it would help momentarily knowing I have potential girls to hang out with/date. I have had a lot of negative thinking lately and that things are always going to be bad and I will never feel happy again. It is tough because I want things to change and be different NOW, but I know that's not how it works. It is like most days I feel a slow and agonizing pain all day and I do not know how to get rid of it. Sure exercise and hanging out with friends help but at the end of the day it all feels the same and I definitely feel lost and adrift in my thoughts and emotions. I just want to feel normal again.....

[DenverDude]

Oh man, do I feel for you. I feel your pain, I know how empty and lost you must feel like right now. It's never easy when you are living with the one you love, and then things fall apart. I've been in your exact scenerio - and boy does it suck! It's like the old cliche 'the floor falls from your feet'. You feel imbalanced and not yourself. It's like those last 4 years you were living with her, you adapted into this new being, and now that she is no longer in your life, you are left feeling foggy.

 

One thing that I have learned is that you cannot keep on reliving the past. I know it's easier said that done, but when you start having thoughts of her, you need to trick your mind into thinking different things. Distraction of the mind. It really works.

 

To be brutally honest, she has moved on, and was probably already talking to other guys - or very likely seeing other guys - when you two were still an item.

 

You can either sit around and mope and wallow about the old days, or you can take the different approach and tell yourself that there is no reason for you to be depressed, crying, and sad while chances are she is smiling, laughing, and having fun.

 

I say you pick youself up, give yourself a little time to adjust, and then get back out there! Go have some fun. Go hang out with those friends of yours. You are still young! It will take your mind off of things. It really will. And you might even might someone special during these times. Who knows!

 

But like I said earlier. I know how you feel. Don't be ashamed that you are back are you parents. Don't be kicking yourself thinking that you pushed her away. Just know, that you are feeling this way because you have a heart. You have a HUGE heart. That is something that you will never lose, and one day, someone will be very happy to have your heart again.

 

Take care man, and if you want to talk, I and everyone else is here for you. We are all walking down that same road as you.

[DenverDude]

I forgot to add in my prior message to you that I also once lived with a girl for 4 years. I even moved cross country, away from my family, to continue being with her. 3 months into our cross country move, she abruptly decided to break up with me citing "I don't feel like myself anymore" as her excuse... So after 4 years of living with each other, and 3 months of being in a brand new city with her, I was kicked to the curb feeling the lowest that I have felt in my life (at the time).... I got my own place, started meeting new people, and eventually met my now current ex girlfriend lol..

 

All I am saying is that even when you are feeling like nothing will ever go your way, it always works out in the end. Trust me. You are gonna be ok. I wish I could push a button and make things better now, but like they say.. Sometimes things need to be broken in order for adjustments to be made. Right now, you need to work on adjusting to the new you. You will be fine!

[flightplan]

I had the exact same reaction to my breakup. The first month wasn't so bad because I held out hope it was temporary and I could smooth talk my way back in her good graces. Reality set in soon after when that wasn't the case.

 

Listen, just accept the fact that it's gonna suck. There are going to be hard days ahead. I won't blow sugar where the sun don't shine, so be prepared for some dark days... it will hit you hard.

 

Buttt... having said that, it does get better. And do yourself a favor... stay away from women for now. Don't think that you need to get back on the horse, because in all reality, there's no need for it now. It will only stunt your recovery and keep you from maturing your self esteem.

 

The best thing you can do right now, is focus on yourself. Use the pain to take a really hard inventory of yourself. Your needs and wants and most important, your boundaries.

 

A year from now, you'll still think about her. It might even sting a tad, but not as much as it does now. But I promise you, a year from now, if you use your pain and time wisely, you won't be the man you are today... you'll be healthier, more emotionally mature, and most of all, happier. One day at a time my friend... good luck.

[OneConfuzedGuy]

Thanks for the replies. I am trying my best, I still feel so empty. It is so frustrating feeling like this. Especially when I thought my future was with her. I guess things are never guaranteed in life.

 

I have been trying to distract myself but it is always on my mind. Now I seem to notice everyone at work or around is either married or has someone(not all but most of them and I never noticed these things before).

 

I feel like I have a double edged sword. The pain and sadness with missing her and accepting the fact that I'll probably never hear from her or see her again. That is so much pain in itself. The 2nd part is the fact that I don't know if I will ever find someone again. I know that sounds weird but I am really laid back and my only 2 relationships just kinda happened (1 in high school, and this past one last year of college). Now that I am not in school anymore I don't know how I will find another connection like this one. Especially since we spent 6 months in another country. The pain continues....

 

Thanks for the advice it is helping, to know people are going through the same thing. I will continue to read and take any advice tips I can get.

[bachdude]

I really feel for you. Your pain comes right through in your posts. It sounds incredibly difficult. I wish I had something to offer you to help the pain.

 

I guess if I would say anything it is to just allow yourself to continue to really grieve the loss of your relationship. Don't try to fight it, or tell yourself not to feel devastated. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel so bad or try to convince yourself it isn't that bad because there are other fish in the sea, etc. Even if you pretend to others you are feeling OK, don't pretend to yourself. Ball your eyes out, scream into a pillow if you feel anger, just go for it. And get some support of good friends if you haven't already. It makes a huge difference. Don't go it alone.

 

A lot of us here have been through similar experiences and I can say this - things will eventually turn around. They will!

 

Take care of yourself!

[Lostrabbit]

I too can relate to exactly how you feel- I lived with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and knew from the moment I met him I loved him. We shared lots of experiences including trekking Ang adventures where we had to be a real team and thrived from it. Then he left me for someone else, he moved out that day and doesn't want to speak to me. I completely understand those feelings of loss and wanting to let go but feeling like they have taken a piece of you with them. It's crushing and I don't know how to do it either when he meant so much to me, the old adage of he was my best friend too.

Although it sucks you moving back in with parents that only has to be temporary, what I can tell you is trying to live in the house you shared is excruciating while they are seemingly moving on and living life with no responsibility. I have some very big decisions to make as the lease here runs out in 3months, I have to make the choice of staying sound in a place I have called home for the past few years and is seeped in memories of him at every turn (he has lived here all his life and has family and knows everyone) or I have to decide to move on and I have no idea where i want to be, apart from a very dark cave at the moment where their is no Christmas or new year merriment. Some will say- look at it as an opportunity but it's so overwhelming to think of starting a new life and giving up my old one when I still have no idea what I want that to be, I'd pictured my future here with him. So as much as I want time to fast forward I'm scared of that too.

Like me I get that you promo ally feel incredibly helpless and lost but life wil find a way I suppose.