Mal78 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I read a quote meme the other day, "Cheating isn't always kissing and touching. If your partner has to hide or delete text messages you are already there" I believe that we all need privacy otherwise I believe relationships should have full transparency. Investigate and like a chronic cheater once told me, "if you are *looking* for it you *will* find it. No matter what *it* is"
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 She is in a different location. A skilled PI can uncover much of her life when she is with the OM. Yes, his own investigation will likely determine they've had sex. However a more in depth and more professional investigation will probably reveal a whole lot more that may be relevant in court. Your wife tearing off a piece in the storeroom at the office is typically not relevant in court. Leading a whole double life might be. What I am saying is this may be worth going the extra mile. This case goes beyond simply some gal having a little boom-boom in the broom room at work.
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 She is in a different location. A skilled PI can uncover much of her life when she is with the OM. Yes, his own investigation will likely determine they've had sex. However a more in depth and more professional investigation will probably reveal a whole lot more that may be relevant in court. Your wife tearing off a piece in the storeroom at the office is typically not relevant in court. Leading a whole double life might be. What I am saying is this may be worth going the extra mile. This case goes beyond simply some gal having a little boom-boom in the broom room at work. I do agree with some of this. BUT his chances of living in a no fault divorce state are high. I don't really know of many states who haven't gone to that model yet. I guess he should analyze WHAT is worth it to him. If he can prove an affair by her phone or other means that costs like $30 or less to know it has happened but not know to what extent maybe that could be an option. Perhaps it wouldn't even matter to him and he would walk anyway and reconciliation wouldn't be on his radar. That would save him a few k that he could dump on a divorce attorney.
Mal78 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I read a quote meme the other day, "Cheating isn't always kissing and touching. If your partner has to hide or delete text messages you are already there" I believe that we all need privacy otherwise I believe relationships should have full transparency. Investigate and like a chronic cheater once told me, "if you are *looking* for it you *will* find it. No matter what *it* is"
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I do agree with some of this. BUT his chances of living in a no fault divorce state are high. I don't really know of many states who haven't gone to that model yet. I guess he should analyze WHAT is worth it to him. If he can prove an affair by her phone or other means that costs like $30 or less to know it has happened but not know to what extent maybe that could be an option. Perhaps it wouldn't even matter to him and he would walk anyway and reconciliation wouldn't be on his radar. That would save him a few k that he could dump on a divorce attorney. As I stated earlier, depending on what's taking place this may be viewed as more than simply banging a coworker. It may or may not impact how the court views it. Some of these types of cases have been viewed as fraud depending on the specifics. This would be a discussion for him to have with his attorney. My advice is to keep his investigations on the down low and not show his hand. I would encourage at minimum of keeping the PI Route in mind.
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I think you should just find your answer on her phone. You'll probably have your confirmation from there. At that point it doesn't matter if they screwed once, twice or a thousand times. You'll just have to figure out if that's something you're willing to work through and try to live happily ever after with your wife or slam the door shut and move on. But cmon man, the writing is all over the wall. If I was staying at my "good friend's house" who happens to be an attractive woman you can put two and two together. Shower door might get left open or the robe a little loose. There's way too much temptation in my opinion. Also, I see that as extremely disrespectful even if she wasn't cheating to be staying at another man's house regardless of how close the friendship was. Men think about sex a thousand times a day and I'm sure your wife ran through his head many times already. Sorry man. Not sure if I agree with this completely, OK men think about sex 1000x a day, yes but does it always mean sex happens, and that sex is always the result of all this thinking? If that is true, I am going to start being more wary at the supermarket, at the doctors, walking down the street and going to work... I may meet a man...
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Not sure if I agree with this completely, OK men think about sex 1000x a day, yes but does it always mean sex happens, and that sex is always the result of all this thinking? If that is true, I am going to start being more wary at the supermarket, at the doctors, walking down the street and going to work... I may meet a man... I'm sure you'd be pretty amused at how many times the men you encounter in your day have probably thought sexual things about you. The guy checking you out at the super market could be starring at your cleavage while you're cutting the check. It doesn't mean sex is always going to happen no. But if you're alone with your "best friend" whom you're attracted to and happen to be staying at his place don't you think it would be a little easier to execute on?
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Not sure if I agree with this completely, OK men think about sex 1000x a day, yes but does it always mean sex happens, and that sex is always the result of all this thinking? If that is true, I am going to start being more wary at the supermarket, at the doctors, walking down the street and going to work... I may meet a man... You have to look at this from the OM's perspective as well - how much is he going to open his house to a worker who isn't screwing him? This falls under the "cash, ass or grass" catagory. If a female friend of mine happened to be passing through town for a day or two, I wouldn't think twice about offering the guest bedroom and wouldn't expect a thing for it. That's just what friends do. But if I am reading this correctly, this has been going on regularly for a couple years. So what's in it for the OM. The OP hasn't said a word about paying him rent to live at his house while on assignment so that means there is likely some other form of "payment" taking place. I'd let a coworker stay at my house for a night without question. But on an ongoing basis for years means there is more to it than letting someone sleep on the couch. No man is going to have some gal living off of him without "cash, ass or grass." 3
NateGrey Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) For me it basically comes down to this: your wife needs to show you these texts or your marriage is over. There is no other option. No, don't go investigating, just ask her to give you her phone,if she can't do it right then and there..well, that is all you need to know. Make it seem like you are prepared to eat crow if you turn out to be wrong about your suspicions, etc. I would think any spouse would want to give their partner peace of mind. So just ask for the phone and see what happens. If she won't show you it..you know this guy is more then a "brother" to her. Edited December 1, 2014 by NateGrey
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I would have never thought that my wife would be the type to have an affair This was your first mistake. It was all of our's first mistake. Like everyone else said, there is a LOT of smoke here. And you hang around this site long enough, you learn that there is always fire. In fact, I've never come across ANY thread on ANY of these sites that started off like yours, and didn't end up with some spouse entering a world of hurt. I do disagree though, with the people who say don't confront. I say you should be totally honest with your wife about how you feel, what you are concerned about, and give her every chance to come clean by making it a completely safe environment for her to do so. Let her know that even the worst case scenario is something you'd be willing to work through. Give her that one chance to come clean. She probably won't take it, but you will have offered it, and that will be something she cannot take away from you later on with some bull**** about how she only screwed around because you don't communicate your feelings. So I'd say have this conversation once, in earnest, and then play it cool, and find out for yourself if she is lying. The rest of us already know. 1
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 This was your first mistake. It was all of our's first mistake. Like everyone else said, there is a LOT of smoke here. And you hang around this site long enough, you learn that there is always fire. In fact, I've never come across ANY thread on ANY of these sites that started off like yours, and didn't end up with some spouse entering a world of hurt. I do disagree though, with the people who say don't confront. I say you should be totally honest with your wife about how you feel, what you are concerned about, and give her every chance to come clean by making it a completely safe environment for her to do so. Let her know that even the worst case scenario is something you'd be willing to work through. Give her that one chance to come clean. She probably won't take it, but you will have offered it, and that will be something she cannot take away from you later on with some bull**** about how she only screwed around because you don't communicate your feelings. So I'd say have this conversation once, in earnest, and then play it cool, and find out for yourself if she is lying. The rest of us already know. Give her the chance to come clean only after you have the proof and know the actual truth. Otherwise all she will do is lie, rugsweep and downplay everything. Asking someone to come clean without already knowing the facts is just setting yourself up to be deceived and manipulated. 2
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Let her know that even the worst case scenario is something you'd be willing to work through. . NEVER let anyone think that you will stay no matter what they do. It's people thinking their spouse will be willing to work through it is a contributing factor to them stepping out in the first place.
italianjob Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Give her the chance to come clean only after you have the proof and know the actual truth. Otherwise all she will do is lie, rugsweep and downplay everything. Asking someone to come clean without already knowing the facts is just setting yourself up to be deceived and manipulated. and warning them you are suspicious, so they can proceed to take things more underground...
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 OP, Whew! What a situation. I agree with the recommendations mentioned previously, but especially the VAR in the locations where she Skypes with him. IMO, this is the most cost effective way to get what you are looking for. If cost is no object then by all means hire a PI. Sure he won't catch them in the act, but he very well could catch them holding hands, walking arm in arm, kissing, hugging, you get the idea. When you say he blocked you on Facebook and Intagram does that mean he does not show up at all when you search his name? Blocking means he is invisible to you. That takes specific action. Is she friends with him on FB? There is no legitimate reason he would block you unless there was something he didn't want you to see or be able to contact him. You don't just decide to block your 'friend's' husband on FB. I will repeat what others have stated, DO NOT CONFRONT HER! At least not until you have the information you need to convince yourself. If you confront her with some flimsy evidence, the affair can be easily taken so far underground you would never find any evidence of anything no matter what you tried to do. Trust me. 2
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) OP, Whew! What a situation. I agree with the recommendations mentioned previously, but especially the VAR in the locations where she Skypes with him. IMO, this is the most cost effective way to get what you are looking for. If cost is no object then by all means hire a PI. Sure he won't catch them in the act, but he very well could catch them holding hands, walking arm in arm, kissing, hugging, you get the idea. When you say he blocked you on Facebook and Intagram does that mean he does not show up at all when you search his name? Blocking means he is invisible to you. That takes specific action. Is she friends with him on FB? There is no legitimate reason he would block you unless there was something he didn't want you to see or be able to contact him. You don't just decide to block your 'friend's' husband on FB. I will repeat what others have stated, DO NOT CONFRONT HER! At least not until you have the information you need to convince yourself. If you confront her with some flimsy evidence, the affair can be easily taken so far underground you would never find any evidence of anything no matter what you tried to do. Trust me. Whoa, I didn't even realize he said HE blocked him. My wife's AP did this to me as well. It has to be a jealously thing with the other person that happens cause the feelings they have for the WS. I'm sure that other guy gets jealous seeing pictures of THEM together and living life while he wishes he were the BS. I'm like 100% now that your wife is having an affair with him. It sounds like it has been going on for awhile now. Don't be surprised if they love each other and have been having sex for those two years. I'd start with those recommendations. Get and plant the VARS. You could even install a stealth app on the phone. Also, if it's an iPhone go retrieve the backup from the cloud if there is one. This houses all of the data. Edited December 1, 2014 by jm2013
lolablue17 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) It doesn't sound good. Here's what you should do... Wait until the next time she's texting and then in the middle ask her to stop immediately and come urgently to you. (so she wouldn't have the time to delete anything). Tell her that you both must have a serious crucial talk about your marriage. Be as dramatic as you wish. Tell her that you are so disappointed with her reaction when you confronted her last time. Tell her that she gave you the most disappointing, low, and incriminating response she could give. Does she want trust? Trust should be earned by her and right now it seems she's doing everything she can to lose your trust. What she should have done, is to assure you that nothing happens with actions, not with words. If she loves you she should care about your feelings and when your loved one is insecure, you don't slip it as if it's nothing. It's not nothing because these are your feelings!! it should be meaningful a lot to her. But apparently it isn't. apparently you're not so important to her. Because that's what you've learned from her reaction. Now! If she says she cares about you and you're very wrong, ask her to tell you her phone code now without her touching it and delete anything. Remind her that you never asked for it, because you always trusted her, but now there is a major crack in this trust. She can resolve ALL problems and prevent a huge crises if she just let you have a look inside her phone now. If she start changing the subject and do anything but giving you her phone, it means that she has a lot to hide, it means that she care for everything but you. She will tell you that it's confidetial stuff and she can't break her word to the OM. But you will insist that it means she cares about the OM more then she care about her marriage falling apart. Tell her that if there is some bad stuff in the phone, you both can work it through and you can resolve and fix your marriage. What you can not accept is that she will continue searching for excuses why not giving you the phone now. Tell her that you're 100% sure that if there wasn't anything incriminating in the phone, She would smile, calling you 'silly baby' and let you look at her phone. Never threat. but make it clear that if she touched her phone before you, than you and her are in a different game. that she's ruing her marriage with her behavior and decisions. (sorry for my poor english) Edited December 1, 2014 by lolablue17
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 It doesn't sound good. Here's what you should do... Wait until the next time she's texting and then in the middle ask her to stop immediately and come urgently to you. (so she wouldn't have the time to delete anything). Tell her that you both must have a serious crucial talk about your marriage. Be as dramatic as you wish. Tell her that you are so disappointed with her reaction when you confronted her last time. Tell her that she gave you the most disappointing, low, and incriminating response she could give. Does she want trust? Trust should be earned by her and right now it seems she's doing everything she can to lose your trust. What she should have done, is to assure you that nothing happens with actions, not with words. If she loves you she should care about your feelings and when your loved one is insecure, you don't slip it as if it's nothing. It's not nothing because these are your feelings!! it should be meaningful a lot to her. But apparently it isn't. apparently you're not so important to her. Because that's what you've learned from her reaction. Now! If she says she cares about you and you're very wrong, ask her to tell you her phone code now without her touching it and delete anything. Remind her that you never asked for it, because you always trusted her, but now there is a major crack in this trust. She can resolve ALL problems and prevent a huge crises if she just let you have a look inside her phone now. If she start changing the subject and do anything but giving you her phone, it means that she has a lot to hide, it means that she care for everything but you. She will tell you that it's confidetial stuff and she can't break her word to the OM. But you will insist that it means she cares about the OM more then she care about her marriage falling apart. Tell her that if there is some bad stuff in the phone, you both can work it through and you can resolve and fix your marriage. What you can not accept is that she will continue searching for excuses why not giving you the phone now. Tell her that you're 100% sure that if there wasn't anything incriminating in the phone, She would smile, calling you 'silly baby' and let you look at her phone. Never threat. but make it clear that if she touched her phone before you, than you and her are in a different game. that she's ruing her marriage with her behavior and decisions. (sorry for my poor english) I thought of this for a second or two, but then I thought back to the 95% of conversations I have with my MW and those conversations come across as harmless banter between friends. IMO. there is an overwhelmingly great chance he would find nothing. What he could do is demand transparency, BUT that is where it is taken underground to a point where he can't find anything. They can create fake FB accounts within 5 minutes with new fake emails, and swoosh goes any hope of him finding anything because she now looks to be transparent.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 NEVER let anyone think that you will stay no matter what they do. It's people thinking their spouse will be willing to work through it is a contributing factor to them stepping out in the first place. See this is where I feel differently than most. I do this all the time with my kids.( which is precisely what behavior cheaters are exhibiting) What is important to me is to get the truth. So when my kids screw up, I tell them this is their chance to fess up, and we'll talk about it. I didn't say stay, I said work through it. If I asked them to fess up, and told them whoever fesses up first will be the first one to get their asses whipped, you know what will happen. I don't believe for one minute that a cheater feels like their spouse will stay with them through an affair. THIS is why they go to such lengths to hide it in the first place. My advice to the OP is to be an adult. Ask like an adult, and give your partner the opportunity to answer like one. They will likely blow this opportunity, but that is on them.
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 He needs to find some evidence before he goes about grabbing phones and speaking about leaving and alerting them both to what he is doing here. If this is an affair, a long standing affair, then what will there be on the phone? Probably very little incriminating as they are not stupid. Some get lucky because their WS is a bit thick/naive and he/she leaves a huge email/text trail, but as both make a living from photography and have a business together, then I guess thick/naive is not what they are.
Man Mountain Makino Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 NEVER let anyone think that you will stay no matter what they do. It's people thinking their spouse will be willing to work through it is a contributing factor to them stepping out in the first place. Indeed. For me it's simple: if I said that it would just be untrue.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 She also said that she feels sorry that I feel that I cannot trust her. But she still changes the security code on her phone constantly... If she's so trustworthy......why the need for secrecy ??? My wife and I use same password for both phones and use each other's devices interchangeably... Mr. Lucky
Artie Lang Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 if you don't already see what's going you need a mallet to the head, bruh. whether she's cheating or not, you questioning her behavior/actions is enough to keep a close eye on what's going on. if you want definitive proof then PI is the best route to take. you might want to think about putting a VAR in her car. personally, i think she's been cheating on you for some time now... you seem to be in denial.
NateGrey Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I would be interested to see what happened, you definitely need to confront her or do something. I would not bother wasting money investigating. Just flat out ask, if she won't give you the phone there is a problem. If she is truly innocent then all she suffers is a small invasion of privacy, but since you are her husband I think she should probably be able to deal with that, and if it turns out you are wrong then yes you can take appropriate steps to make it up to her. Sadly I do not think you are wrong. You can really solve this with one simple conversation, you just ask for the phone.
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 I would be interested to see what happened, you definitely need to confront her or do something. I would not bother wasting money investigating. Just flat out ask, if she won't give you the phone there is a problem. If she is truly innocent then all she suffers is a small invasion of privacy, but since you are her husband I think she should probably be able to deal with that, and if it turns out you are wrong then yes you can take appropriate steps to make it up to her. Sadly I do not think you are wrong. You can really solve this with one simple conversation, you just ask for the phone. I would guess the phone is now squeaky clean, so what does he do then?
drifter777 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 She is gas-lighting you. Private detective.
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