Stoutage Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Alright, hello room. I am new to this site and just wanted to share a suspected issue in my marriage. I have been married now for over 7 years. It has definitely had its ups and downs but over the last year or so I have started questioning the faithfulness of my wife in my marriage. What is crazy is that I would have never thought that my wife would be the type to have an affair but this is my story. My wife is a photographer. She is seriously good. She is here in my home state but started to travel to see if she could get some better business outside of where we live. She grew up all over the U.S. and has friends all over. Well, she went back to one of the states she grew up in to try and start up some business there. To save money she would shake up at friends house. This here trips were cheaper. Well she started to team up with a friend of hers from back in the day who is a guy. That part is totally fine with me. She started crashing at his place. At first I was okay with it... But she seemingly started to get really involved in his personal life. He has an ex and kids. At first I thought... Well... Alright he is a good friend and my wife has always been really close with her friends soo okay. This has been going on for at least a couple of years. Now I know that this guy is her business partner but I aware that they will text each other late at night when she is home with me. Apparently I am blocked from viewing both his facebook and Instagram page. I have had the idea of looking into my wife's phone. She constantly is changing her security code on it. I have overheard them Skype each other when she is home in her office. Sometimes the conversations seem like they are more than just business partners. So I have confronted my spouse about my suspicions. At least twice and she tells me that he is a close friend. She says that he is like an older brother to her and nothing more. She also said that she feels sorry that I feel that I cannot trust her. She tells me to relax and that there is nothing going on. So I feel comforted at the moment... But she still changes the security code on her phone constantly... She still texts suspiciously. Meaning I have noticed that certain people from this state... If she is texting them and I come by close she seemingly abruptly stops. I want to believe my wife that nothing is happening... But sometimes I still feel a bit uneasy. What is the groups thoughts?
FusionCutter Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Alright, hello room. I am new to this site and just wanted to share a suspected issue in my marriage. I have been married now for over 7 years. It has definitely had its ups and downs but over the last year or so I have started questioning the faithfulness of my wife in my marriage. What is crazy is that I would have never thought that my wife would be the type to have an affair but this is my story. My wife is a photographer. She is seriously good. She is here in my home state but started to travel to see if she could get some better business outside of where we live. She grew up all over the U.S. and has friends all over. Well, she went back to one of the states she grew up in to try and start up some business there. To save money she would shake up at friends house. This here trips were cheaper. Well she started to team up with a friend of hers from back in the day who is a guy. That part is totally fine with me. She started crashing at his place. At first I was okay with it... But she seemingly started to get really involved in his personal life. He has an ex and kids. At first I thought... Well... Alright he is a good friend and my wife has always been really close with her friends soo okay. This has been going on for at least a couple of years. Now I know that this guy is her business partner but I aware that they will text each other late at night when she is home with me. Apparently I am blocked from viewing both his facebook and Instagram page. I have had the idea of looking into my wife's phone. She constantly is changing her security code on it. I have overheard them Skype each other when she is home in her office. Sometimes the conversations seem like they are more than just business partners. So I have confronted my spouse about my suspicions. At least twice and she tells me that he is a close friend. She says that he is like an older brother to her and nothing more. She also said that she feels sorry that I feel that I cannot trust her. She tells me to relax and that there is nothing going on. So I feel comforted at the moment... But she still changes the security code on her phone constantly... She still texts suspiciously. Meaning I have noticed that certain people from this state... If she is texting them and I come by close she seemingly abruptly stops. I want to believe my wife that nothing is happening... But sometimes I still feel a bit uneasy. What is the groups thoughts? If she can't show you the text messages she has with him, something is really wrong. 4
BeholdtheMan Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 She started crashing at his place. At first I was okay with it... But she seemingly started to get really involved in his personal life. I aware that they will text each other late at night when she is home with me. Apparently I am blocked from viewing both his facebook and Instagram page. I have had the idea of looking into my wife's phone. She constantly is changing her security code on it. I have overheard them Skype each other when she is home in her office. Sometimes the conversations seem like they are more than just business partners. She also said that she feels sorry that I feel that I cannot trust her. She tells me to relax and that there is nothing going on. So I feel comforted at the moment... This sounds really really bad. Cheaters frequently guilt trip their spouses. There's a slight chance your wife isn't a cheating...but her behaviour indicates otherwise 2
Author Stoutage Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Sooo I do realize this sounds bad. What should be my next move? Do I try and gather evidence before confronting her again? I have considered hiring a PI when she goes out of town next? Again, I hope nothing is happening but I don't want to feel weird about stuff anymore. I would love to just pick up her phone while she sleeps.. I have tried on occasion. I have figured out her code during the day by watching her type it in. But whenever I seemingly get a chance to try and sneak off with it to look into it.. She has changed it. She is always with her phone all day. Only chance I got is when she's asleep.
Try Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Well she started to team up with a friend of hers from back in the day who is a guy. That part is totally fine with me. She started crashing at his place. At first I was okay with it... But she seemingly started to get really involved in his personal life. He has an ex and kids. At first I thought... Well... Alright he is a good friend and my wife has always been really close with her friends soo okay. Many married couples have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), but even those that do, most would not be OK with their spouse sleeping over at a single guy's house. Apparently I am blocked from viewing both his facebook and Instagram page. One of the most basic boundaries of couples that allow for OSF is that the friend must be a friend of the the marriage. If he were a friend of the marriage, not only should he not be blocking you from his Facebook and Instagram pages, but he should have friended you a long time ago. Blocking you is an overt act that makes it clear that he is an enemy of your marriage. Why is your wife OK with this? Why are you OK with this? 1
Try Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) Sooo I do realize this sounds bad. What should be my next move? Do I try and gather evidence before confronting her again? I have considered hiring a PI when she goes out of town next? Again, I hope nothing is happening but I don't want to feel weird about stuff anymore. I would love to just pick up her phone while she sleeps.. I have tried on occasion. I have figured out her code during the day by watching her type it in. But whenever I seemingly get a chance to try and sneak off with it to look into it.. She has changed it. She is always with her phone all day. Only chance I got is when she's asleep. PIs are rarely able to take photos of the cheating spouse in the act of having intercourse. The most that they can usually get are photos of them having dinner, holding hands, and then them spending the night together where one of them does not leave until the next morning. In states where infidelity impacts the terms of the divorce, this is usually enough proof. In your case photos of this from a PI will prove nothing more than what you already know is going on, so why spend the money. First tell your wife that her relationship with the other man (OM) has crossed the boundaries of what is normal and acceptable in marriage. That sleeping over at the home of a single guy's house is not OK with you. That her remaining friends with a guy that is so hostile to you that he has blocked you on Facebook is not OK with you. That her texting the OM as often as she does while changing her passwords to make sure that you do not see it is not OK with you. That her relationship with the OM has reached a point of at least an emotional affair (EA) and that having an EA is cheating. Tell her that you do not need to prove anything to her to end the marriage if she does not start acting within the normal boundaries of marriage. You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a chance of saving it. It may be too late as she may pick the OM, but your odds only get worse with time. Tell her that she must decide between the other man and you, that she can no longer have both. Demand that she permanently cut off all contact with the OM, and that she agree to full mutual transparency which includes all passwords without complaint. Tell her that other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in a healthy marriage, and you want her to give you the phone right now and then tell you the pass code so that you can see what texts they both have been sending. If she does not agree to this, do not argue with her, just tell her that you will be filing for divorce so that you can find a wife the knows what it means to resepct the normal boundaries of marriage. She may think that you are bluffing, so you must be willing to file immediately. If she lets you divorce her over this other man, then your marriage was going to be over anyways, but at least now you know where you stand. Again, do not argue with her as she tells you that you are jealous and controlling. Tell her that this is just the way that it must be if she wants to stay in the marriage. Edited December 1, 2014 by Try
DbleBetrayal Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 It sounds totally sus to me. Changing passwords on phone constantly, blocking you on social media, sleeping overs in a different state.... I'd be concerned. 1
JS84 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Gather concrete evidence before confronting. Do not confront, question, accuse, etc until you have tangible proof. You can start with a VAR in the car and a keylogger on her computer for starters. And maybe a VAR near where she skypes just as long as it's well hidden. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 STOP confronting her. Confronting only serves to notify them that you're onto something. Then they'll really start deleting everything, taking the affair further underground, and you'll NEVER know WTF has really happened. Quietly investigate and find out as much as YOU need to know. You don't need to convince her that she's cheating; you only need to convince yourself. 1
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I agree with the others, do NOT bring it up again until you have the smoking gun in your hand. Go into CIA agent mode and start digging deeper. Hack her computers and get into emails, Facebook etc. get into her phone. Stash voice activated recorders in her car and any other places she may have private conversations. I do think a PI would be warranted in this instance since there is such a separation geographically between you two. As noted above, a PI may not be able to photograph the actual downstroke but I have a sneaking suspicion that she is leading a whole double life here. There may be something of a polyandrous lifestyle taking place here where she basically has two husbands and two families and two homes. A PI will uncover that. As this has basically been a lifestyle of yours for years, what you are looking for here is to learn the facts of what her life away from home has been and if finding out that she has been involved with this other guy is a deal-breaker for you to dissolve the marriage or not. As there has been no real boundaries in place and she has been allowed to essentially lead two separate lives and this has been going on for so long, she has no real incentive to stop. The choice will likely not be whether to end her affair and save the marriage or not, but rather will you continue to to be one of her stopovers or will you dissolve the marriage and move on yourself.
Man Mountain Makino Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 She says that he is like an older brother to her and nothing more. She also said that she feels sorry that I feel that I cannot trust her. She tells me to relax and that there is nothing going on. So I feel comforted at the moment... But she still changes the security code on her phone constantly... She still texts suspiciously. Meaning I have noticed that certain people from this state... If she is texting them and I come by close she seemingly abruptly stops. I want to believe my wife that nothing is happening... But sometimes I still feel a bit uneasy. What is the groups thoughts? It doesn't matter now, but the time to object to her arrangement was when the issue was first raised. A married woman living with a single/divorced man when she is away on business for extended trips just isn't a good idea. Time to do your homework - try to get access to emails, texts, call logs, etc. The thing is, he's a man in her life now so there will bound to be many communications between the two that are legitimate - stuff related to bills and other things that sharing a place entails. Honestly, a genuinely good guy would have raised the issue that the arrangement may be troublesome to a spouse. He didn't - he's evidently cool with it. So that tells me that he either isn't a good guy, isn't very thoughtful, or just snacking on your bride when she comes around. No more confrontations. Act dumb. But gather as much evidence as you can. Once you're convinced (if you are convinced), have a heart to heart and tell her the next time she is packed and ready to go that she may as well stay there, you're not interested in her returning.
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Quietly investigate and find out as much as YOU need to know. You don't need to convince her that she's cheating; you only need to convince yourself. THIS ^^^^^^^ You are not investigating to gather material to argue with her about. She knows full well what she is intentionally doing. You are learning the facts and truth about her lifestyle to determine if you want to be an unwitting participant in it any more. The chances of her ending her lifestyle and returning to a happy, healthy traditional relationship is basically 'nil. Your options will be whether to move on with your own life and leave her behind or be her 'other' part time husband.
painfullyobvious Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Gauge her reaction to this question; "Honey how about I come with your next photo shoot and stay with your friend. Seeing this situation would help me feel better and hanging out with you two will help ease tensions". If she provides excuses she has something to hide. You're her husband and should be welcome to accompany most situations. This is fishy and sunds familar to my exes "friend" as well.
jackslife Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Be prepared for the worse, she is having an affair, you just need to find the evidence to prove to yourself. Because she is out of town a lot she effectively has two lives, two marriages, two lover/husbands. Now the affair has been going on for a while, in an odd way she probably feels she has the right to it, it is part of her life. In the same way that you go to the office, chat sports with the guys, have a coffee, get a sandwich from Subway etc. She grabs a plane, checks in with No. 2 etc. It may not be right but it is part of her routine. This is why a PI will find evidence so easily. There will be no sneaking around with this chap, they will hold hands, kiss in public, effectively live as a couple until she comes home. Hell you could grab a flight yourself, track down this guys house and watch it yourself. She'll be out of town so she won't be hiding or sneaking around. Sorry, I don't want to rub salt in the wound, but start planning what to do once you have proof. You won't be wasting your time.
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I'd say she is most likely having an affair. If she is sleeping over another man's house I would be willing to wager a lot this has happened. You're going through the investigative phase and you'll probably be sick to your stomach. Do yourself a favor and just grab her phone out of her hands and lock yourself in the office with it until you rip all of the data off it. Do this before she starts deleting things. It sounds like you've stirred the nest enough to have her start covering her tracks knowing you are questioning it and are on to something. My wife did the same exact things. She had always said she was texting her best friend or sister all the while she was texting him all day.
jackslife Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 You could put a VAR or a camera hidden in the office to record everything. There is so much spy tech out there that you could quite easily get to the truth.
Chi townD Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I agree with everyone else. Save your money and not hire a PI, they'll only tell you things you already know. UNLESS, she might be open to being affectionate with this guy in public knowing you're nowhere close to where she's at. However, she stays in places where she knows people, someone that might know her might see her kissing some other dude and they know she's married to someone else. So, she might be careful of that possibility as well. I agree, you need to place a VAR hidden near where she skypes this guy. You can also place one in her car. Go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro and use it to securely fasten a VAR under her car seat. Most cheaters communicate while driving when they think they're alone and they are a little bit more open to what they say to the other person. You can put a keylogger on the home computer and see what sites she visiting and what IM conversations she's having. Then, if she has an iPhone, then she probably used the home computer to charge the phone. Therefore, there's a strong chance that the phone and the computer sync'd up. If this is the case, then there's a hidden folder on that computer that holds all the texts conversations on that phone in this hidden folder. You need to download an iPhone file extractor from the internet and you'll be able to find that file and see what's in it.
Try Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 You don't need to convince her that she's cheating; you only need to convince yourself. If you get nothing more from this thread, remember this. Stop trying to convince a cheater that they are cheating. They already know. Trying to convince them is thus nothing more than playing a game that you cannot win, where no matter what proof you offer a cheater of their affair, they will say that it is not enough.
italianjob Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Sleeping at an Opposite Sex single Friend's house is not OK in any marriage that I know, even in those with a loose OSF policy (except maybe "open" marriages). How could it sound "normal" to you? Potential but not sure, you say? I think you're being very naive... She sleeps at his house many nights, she texts him constantly making sure their messages are kept a secret to you (and a very well guarded one, at that), He's blocking you on social media... Blocking?!?! He doesn't HAVE to befriend you at all costs but blocking means he thinks you're a threat to him! Why would that be? This would be more than enough for me to either just walk away or ask her to make a clear choice between her husband and her "friend". If you feel you need proof, I think you'll find plenty with just a little bit of snooping as suggested by previous posters...
Bryanp Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 If she blocks you from seeing her messages with him then I think it tells you all you need to know. By the way, if the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would be so accepting of these actions as you have been. I am sorry but I think that you have been in denial for a long time but thankfully are beginning to wake up. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Gauge her reaction to this question; "Honey how about I come with your next photo shoot and stay with your friend. Seeing this situation would help me feel better and hanging out with you two will help ease tensions". If she provides excuses she has something to hide. You're her husband and should be welcome to accompany most situations. This is fishy and sunds familar to my exes "friend" as well. I disagree with this. Doing this will give them forewarning to tidy up the place and get their stories straight and go underground. However Once you have the smoking gun and want to see it with your own eyes, don't ask to attend, just show up unannounced and unexpected and see the shock and awe with your own eyes. 3
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 While you are doing all this investigating, give her no more clues that you are onto her, act completely normally. Make it seem that you accepted her word and that you are now convinced that it is all above board. Do not let her see you being upset or anxious either. And do not overdo the good husband bit, do not over-compensate, ie no flowers or chocolates or doing the dishes, or excessive "helping" or too much enthusiasm, unless that is your usual style. Any change in you and she will smell a rat and go underground, as you have already voiced some concern. Do nothing that may alert her, carry on with your usual routines. It may be innocent, but blocking on FB is a deliberate act, so why would someone who had nothing to hide, and I presume you two haven't had a falling out, do that??? 1
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I do agree with what the others are saying but this is a case where I do think a PI would be warranted since she has a whole other life in a different geographic location. I suspect this goes beyond simply getting it on with a coworker in the broom closet. There is a chance she may be leading a double life here and a PI would be able to uncover the depths of what is taking place here. There is a chance she is taking the OM's kids to school and taking family trips with them and sleeping in his bedroom with her clothes in the closet, underwear in the drawers, shoes under his bed and toothbrush and deodorant in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Most states are no-fault and the fact someone had sex with a coworker may not have any bearing in court. Someone leading a whole double life however and living as a member of a whole other family may be looked at differently by the court. Some courts have looked at this as a form of fraud and can impact things like child support and spousal support and the division of assets etc. This is a case to leave no stone unturned and not to pull the ejection handle once the, "last-night-was-wonderful" email is found. This is a case to take to the limit because the depth of her involvement with this family may be relevant in court. 2
Chi townD Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I would still hold off on the PI. I don't think that they'll be able to tell you anything you don't already know. They'll be able to tell you that she went to his house and stayed the entire night. Well, you already know this. What you DON'T know is if she's sleeping in his bed! The PI's won't be able to tell you that. The only thing that they can do is capture her if she openly displays affection with this guy. Then, you got her. However, if you can catch her via Skype or recording or video from home, you'll be saving hundreds of dollars. I would say, try the suggestions that you've been given here and if those don't pan out, THEN hire a PI. If you find out that she is cheating and you didn't use a PI, then NEVER REVEAL YOUR RESOURCES! EVER!!!!! If you catch her cheating, then her main concern is to figure out how you caught her. If you reveal your resource, then you lose it. You can never use it again because she'll protect against it. 1
jm2013 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I think you should just find your answer on her phone. You'll probably have your confirmation from there. At that point it doesn't matter if they screwed once, twice or a thousand times. You'll just have to figure out if that's something you're willing to work through and try to live happily ever after with your wife or slam the door shut and move on. But cmon man, the writing is all over the wall. If I was staying at my "good friend's house" who happens to be an attractive woman you can put two and two together. Shower door might get left open or the robe a little loose. There's way too much temptation in my opinion. Also, I see that as extremely disrespectful even if she wasn't cheating to be staying at another man's house regardless of how close the friendship was. Men think about sex a thousand times a day and I'm sure your wife ran through his head many times already. Sorry man.
Recommended Posts