mmiller5373 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 28 year old male here. Went to visit 25-year-old Female friend of mine on Friday. Her boyfriend of 1 year broke up with her about 3 months ago. He left her for another girl. We're pretty sure he was cheating on my friend. Anyways, the friend and I have been good friends for 2 years. There has always been something more between us, but it hasn't been the right time. On Friday, after the two of us drank, we were talking and I kissed her. She kissed back and we made out for 30 minutes. She said she has feelings for me and I told her how I felt. But then she started crying saying this feels weird. She said we should stop. She started talking about her ex as well. At that point, another friend showed up so we never finished the conversation. I reached out to her 2 times today, but never heard back. Which is odd. I feel like she's avoiding me. What to do now?
PogoStick Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 You can respond if she contacts you. Wait a whole week before you attempt to contact her again. If you get back into a normal discussion then ask her out on a real date. Don't try to just sneak your way into her heart.
Thegreatestthing Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Obviously still getting over ex who hurt her badly,she wouldn't be ready for anything yet.give her several weeks.
writergal Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 OP your situation reminds me of a scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally: Since she hasn't texted you back, why not call her, like Harry did with Sally: Seriously, if you two have feelings for each other, then it's worth pursuing. But maybe you need to tread lightly right now while she gets over her ex, otherwise you may end up being her rebound guy.
Gold Pile Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Wait awhile. She'll then assume she has lost you too. Then ask her out on a lunch date as friends. During that date let it be known that either staying friends or "something more" is ok with you. On your next conversation (if she has opted to be friends only)mention that a buddy is trying to fix you up with his cousin or something but that you have reservations. " He has shown me several pics of her, they never show her face close up, she clearly has a great body but it makes me laugh that he won't show a good face pic." Another day let it be known that you're going to an Xmas party and the new lady will be there. Chances are that she will do what she has to to secure you before you meet the new woman. Is this all a tactic/ploy? yes it is. Does it work? yes it does.
preraph Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 She just needs some more time to get over her ex. And you want to be sure you're not just taking advantage of her when she's vulnerable. She said it doesn't feel right and we don't know if she means with you or because she's still in love with her ex. Give her some time and then ask her if it's because it's you or if it wouldn't feel right with anybody except her ex. You do have a right to know. 1
Dallers Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Just wait OP. As hard as it is you are at danger of destroying a perfectly good chance with this girl if you make contact. You have made contact once and then shown your increased interest by contacting her again you are exactly where you want to be with a girl in that state as she now knows you are interested. Sit back and wait for her to contact you and be ready. Do not play the sympathy card, she needs a man remember not a mouse. Reaffirm that you like her and set up a second meet. She will never get over her ex so you either go in for the kill or sit in the friend zone.
newlyborn Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 just give her space. honestly, despite being broken up, she is still bonded with the ex. so no one feels quite right. if you force things now, she will associate you with that awkward, icky feeling of being with one person when you remain emotionally, psychically, and hormonally bonded with another. this has happened to me. making out with someone new too soon actually compounded my sense of loss. it wasn't that i didn't like the new person. the inevitable difference in the physical experience reminded me very viscerally of what was gone. i think you should give it a few months before attempting anything romantic. and i wouldn't overdue the friend thing either. just let her heal. 1
venusishername Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I think it's ok that you contacted her after the other night. She needs time and wants to trust again but it will take patience and creating space on your part. Let her come to you, but I think it would be alright if you don't hear from her in a few weeks to reach out and see how she is doing. However, don't let yourself become her emotional crutch. If you really like her, it's going to take some effort on your part. I'm a woman and I've been extremely vulnerable after a breakup, and all I wanted was a guy to be patient and understanding with me. Don't force yourself on her or chase. She will come to you if you build trust and respect with her.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 Not much I can do at this point except wait.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 So another girlfriend of mine has suggested that I send my friend a Facebook message to let her know that I would hate to see our friendship ruined because of what happened between us over the weekend. To let her know I'm not expecting anything and that the alcohol played a role in what happened. Also to remind her that I'm here if she needs me. Good idea? Or should I just wait for her to contact me? If she even does.
MrMeh Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Just wait. Sending a message on Facebook wouldn't repair anything if it's already that bad. 1
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 So she has unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Twitter. I have no idea what I did or what's going on with her. Maybe I said something that night that scared her or maybe she's just embarrassed about the whole incident.
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 You over step your boundaries as a friend. She was very much vulnerable, and she felt you took advantage of her situation, AND the friendship. She felt the friendship was motivated by your affections for her and now she feels deceived, and confused. She has enough on her plate emotionally, leave her alone. Maybe in time she will contact you again, but right now, she doesn't want you pining for her.....too much to bare.
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 To add, any trust she had in you, is now gone, that's why she has completely shut you out. Sending a message to say that it was partially due to the alcohol is just rubbing salt into her already wounded ego/self esteem. Just back off.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 You over step your boundaries as a friend. She was very much vulnerable, and she felt you took advantage of her situation, AND the friendship. She felt the friendship was motivated by your affections for her and now she feels deceived, and confused. She has enough on her plate emotionally, leave her alone. Maybe in time she will contact you again, but right now, she doesn't want you pining for her.....too much to bare. I guess. There's no way of telling.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 To add, any trust she had in you, is now gone, that's why she has completely shut you out. Sending a message to say that it was partially due to the alcohol is just rubbing salt into her already wounded ego/self esteem. Just back off. Well, this all just completely sucks. I didn't expect this at all.
spiderowl Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I don't think you've done anything wrong. It's a shame she has unfriended you. She's obviously not ready for anything else at the moment and has taken this badly. It's not your fault at all and you had no way of knowing she wasn't ready for another boyfriend. If she's unfriended you, then that's her way of cutting off contact for the moment. All you can do is accept that and not bother her. Keep a respectful distance and leave her be. Giving her the space to decide what she wants to do is the best thing. She might just miss you, once she's had chance to reflect. Any pushing you do at this point would scare her off and be seen as creepy. Sorry it went this way. Don't blame yourself.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 I don't think you've done anything wrong. It's a shame she has unfriended you. She's obviously not ready for anything else at the moment and has taken this badly. It's not your fault at all and you had no way of knowing she wasn't ready for another boyfriend. If she's unfriended you, then that's her way of cutting off contact for the moment. All you can do is accept that and not bother her. Keep a respectful distance and leave her be. Giving her the space to decide what she wants to do is the best thing. She might just miss you, once she's had chance to reflect. Any pushing you do at this point would scare her off and be seen as creepy. Sorry it went this way. Don't blame yourself. Kind of hard not to blame myself when I have no idea what's going on with her. It's just odd because everything was fine. We were kissing and she was telling me how much she liked me. Then all of a sudden, her behavior changed. She went from cute and passionate to sad and angry, and then she pretty much kicked me out. I mean, this all just seems immature. If she has a problem, why not just talk to me about it?
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Well I guess she realizes, you are not what's going to help her heal. Like everyone said, give it some time....she needs to sort out her feelings. Poor thing, she's been through a lot.
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Well I guess she realizes, you are not what's going to help her heal. Like everyone said, give it some time....she needs to sort out her feelings. Poor thing, she's been through a lot. Time and space. Time and space.
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Are some details missing in the story? Because right now it seems pretty confusing and dramatic that she would drop you on social media out of the blue. So really all that happened was the making out, the friend arrived to interrupt, you sent a couple texts the next day, then no response from her? Anything else? And what were your texts like? But if that really is the whole situation, I think you have the right (after waiting a few days to give her space) to be like: "I noticed that you defriended me on Facebook and Twitter and I have to admit I'm confused. I hope I've done nothing to upset you, and that if something's wrong you're able to talk to me about it at some point." She needs to realize that you have no idea what's going on. She might have some false impression of your intentions here. 1
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Are some details missing in the story? Because right now it seems pretty confusing and dramatic that she would drop you on social media out of the blue. So really all that happened was the making out, the friend arrived to interrupt, you sent a couple texts the next day, then no response from her? Anything else? And what were your texts like? We went out drinking with friends. I didn't have my car so she drove me back to her place while we waited for one of my friend's to get off work. While at her house, we talked and I kissed her. We made out like crazy -- she even took off some clothes and I did the same. I don't think I mentioned this before, but she is a virgin. I already knew this so when she brought it up that night, I said, I know that and I don't care, we don't have to do anything. I just want to keep kissing you. I told her I had a crush on her for a long time and she told me she felt the same way about me. We kept kissing. Then my friend texted and said he was on the way. Then she started thinking to herself and said this didn't feel right. That it all just felt wrong and that it's probably best that my friend is coming to get me. She was very stand offish and I was just trying to figure out what happened. She wouldn't tell me. Then she started crying about her ex calling herself stupid and ugly. That's when my friend arrived and she pretty much booted me out. No resolution. I texted her one time 2 days later, no response. Hours after that, I called. No response. Then I sent a Facebook message on Thursday after some girl friends of mine told me to try to clear the air. No response. Then came the unfollow and the defriending. But if that really is the whole situation, I think you have the right (after waiting a few days to give her space) to be like: "I noticed that you defriended me on Facebook and Twitter and I have to admit I'm confused. I hope I've done nothing to upset you, and that if something's wrong you're able to talk to me about it at some point." She needs to realize that you have no idea what's going on. She might have some false impression of your intentions here. I agree. I have no idea what is going on with her.
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 She sounds kind of unstable. I do think it's worth checking in with her at some point in the future, for the sheer purpose of letting her know how confused you are. But definitely allow some time to pass first. You've already reached out three times and got a decidedly negative response. She isn't being considerate or fair to you, but it sounds out of your hands right now. Prodding at this won't help.
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