My girlfriend of 5+ years broke up with me and is with someone new

December 1, 2014

I'll try to be as brief as possible, though it's a complicated situation.

My girlfriend (22) and I (24) met when I was in college and she was in her senior year of high school, and we were together ever since (5 years back in July). We went through a lot together (though not all bad), including her parents being recently divorced and her going away to college for a semester, though we came out stronger because of the LDR.

Anyway, back in June we were planning on moving in together for the first time (though we were practically living at each others' places every night anyway) and in July we committed to a place, and we both seemed very excited. During that time we were also looking at rings and marriage was definitely in our future. Then it July after our anniversary it happened.. she said that her feelings had changed and that she needed some space, and loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore.

For a few weeks we still somewhat acted like a couple.. talking every day, doing things together. We even went away together for a weekend and met her family and family friends for a little getaway (it had already been planned). The night before we left she invited me over and we ended up having sex - again acting like a couple even though she was still "confused." The trip went well and we even went to a concert after that as "just friends." At that time she had started seeing what else was out there, but during the concert she would lean over and kiss me periodically, and we had a great time. But then she started to grow distant, and said that even though she had feelings for me she felt that it was better this way.

For a few weeks after I had tried to convince her that we were meant to be together (love letters, flowers, etc.) and even though she responded mostly positive to it, she still felt like she couldn't be with me (and I realize that this may have pushed her away). She cited her reasons as being that I wasn't independent enough (I'm an only child and as such my parents are at times over-involved, though I assured her that us getting our own place and doing our own thing would erase any of that doubt she had), that she wanted to make sure I was the one for her, and that she had lost that spark. At the same time though I believe that a lot of her problems with our relationship stemmed from her and I being unhappy with our jobs at the time and she translated that as us being unfit for each other.

Then in September she started seeing this new guy.. he's 29, has been divorced once, and lives in a house with 2 others. He has a lot of friends (which she likes because he's social and it's probably exciting since she doesn't really have any girl friends - though he's basically the type that's just all about the good times.. club events, etc.) and she probably equates his situation to him being very independent, which is what she was looking for. But in reality he's not that great of a guy.. her family has met him and doesn't like him, others have told her that he's shady, and he's lied to her and there are things about him she doesn't like, yet she still stays with him.

After my initial slip-ups we did some no contact, though that was on/off because we had a mutual cat together. I was going to just let her keep him at her house, but her mom and her weren't getting along because she was seeing this guy and trying to sell the house. She decided to seek out other places to live and ended up just recently moving in with an ex-friend (I say this because they used to be good friends until she realized that the friend was manipulative and only hung out when it was "convenient"). Well she still realizes this and has admitted to her family that she isn't sure about the situation, but she really just wanted a place to live and be excited about (I know, immature and stupid right?) Anyway, after considering several options (including her wanting to bring the cat to her new bf's permanently), I told her that I would take him, and in mid-November she eventually agreed.

In the 3 months we've been broken up a good amount of our contact has been involving the cat and her checking in on him. One night shortly after I took him permanently, I brought him to the vet/pet store and she just happened to be there looking at the animals for adoption with her family (not to adopt, just as an activity we all used to do), so I stopped and let them see the cat. We said our goodbyes and as soon as she got in the car her sister said that she broke down crying and said "I really messed up my life." She also contacted me on Halloween just to see what my plans were and at times mentioned she "missed the things we used to do together" or "that she misses us being best friends."

Now obviously I realize that a lot of these emotions center around her losing the cat (which I still can't believe she gave up), but at the same time when I've asked her how things are she says "they're okay" and she's admitted things to both me and her family, including that she's unsure about him and what she's doing, and that she knows things would have been easier with me. The last time we saw each other in person we ended up talking a lot longer than expected and we had some good laughs, caught up on each others' lives, and it was overall a good experience even when it did get a little emotional. We talked about the holidays and she voluntarily admitted that she would miss all of our traditions and that it wouldn't be the same without anyone this year. I then asked what she meant, since she had a boyfriend and she said "The guy that I'm seeing doesn't celebrate the holidays, he only hangs out with his friends" and rolled her eyes (he's an orphan and even though he could have gone to her family's for Thanksgiving he chose to go to his friends' instead). That was 2 weeks before Thanksgiving (NC after) and on Thanksgiving she and the rest of her family texted me first (and we had some real back-and-forth conversation). With Christmas coming up I'm hoping that she remembers all the good times we had and that he doesn't take the time to make it special for her, because despite all she's done, I still see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with. We left it that we would try being friends when she's ready I guess, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm waiting around for her.

In the meantime I've been improving myself (working out, focusing on work, going out with friends, going on a few dates) and trying to appear to move on, but ultimately I want her back because I really do believe we had an amazing connection and she's "the one" as cliché/misguided as it may be.

So what are the chances that this is a rebound relationship and that it may end sooner than later? Is there anything I should do, such as small playful texts about past holidays, to maybe try to change her mind about me before Christmas (even though I realize that it may take longer)? Is it possible that she will soon start to really miss me and maybe want to try again? Any other general advice is also appreciated - thanks!

Edited December 1, 2014 by Windman17
Editing title

December 1, 2014

I'm 99% that the other guy was in the picture before you broke up. I've experienced this myself:

1. Girlfriend breaks up out of the blue. Since everything seemed so great awhile ago and she only mentions minor problems, you're convinced that you'll be able to work things out.

2. After the initial breakup, you try to be funny and nice, and it seems like you're having a good time. Surely you'll be back together soon!

3. Then BAM! She's gone! The "break" or whatever you want to call it, gave her the opportunity to date the new guy while keeping you as a safety net!

4. When she realised that she wanted to spend more time the new guy, hanging around with you became tiresome. But of course she made her new relationship secret för a couple of months. Otherwise people would think that she was a complete whore. Which she most likely is.

It hurts like hell. And it will keep getting worse. I'd say that your "chances" are slim. Even if it doesn't work out with the new guy, she'll probably won't come back for you. She'll do the same thing again and jump straight to another guy. Going back to you would be like admitting to everyone that she made a mistake, and trust me, that won't happen for a while.

You'll probably hear from her again, years from now. But you'll probably have started a family with another woman then.

When I first got these forums, everyone told me to move on. I was in denial. I was convinced that my situation was different. But it wasn't. It played out in the exact same way that the members here predicted.

So my best advice is... Cut her off. No contact. It's your cat now, so don't answer any of her stupid questions. Pretend like she is dead. DEAD. You had a great time together, but she's probably gone forever.

It's not easy, I know. It's been over a year and I'm still aching every day. It drives me nuts how she could betray me the way she did. But it's slowly getting better.

December 1, 2014

Actually I know for a fact that he was not in the picture before we broke up. She met him online afterward, though she tends to be the type that doesn't necessarily like to be alone and therefore can't allow herself to heal like she should. I just think she became scared of the uncertain future.

Thanks anyway for the reply.

December 1, 2014

My GF of 4 years just did something very similar to me. She never said she wasn't in love with me but she did say she had no idea what she wanted right now, but enjoyed being on her own and not having to answer to anyone. I decided to give her space and the freedom she desired, but only a few days later was dating someone else.

2 years before that she left me and started dating someone else because she believed the grass was greener on the other side. I grieved and ended up moving on, it only took about 2 1/2 months until she came back saying that she realized the grass is greenest wherever you water it. WE lasted two more years, until this recent episode of her needing to be independent and explore the world. She's only 22 though. It's been a month, and she seems to be happier by the day.

From what I've read on the sites, everyone recommends the "No contact". I tried to be friends with my ex right after the break up, even went out to movies and had good conversations but all that did was reinforce that she wasn't ready for anything more. Now that she's officially with her new person, she has absolutely no interest in communicating with me. So, I would recommend no contact, and give her space to miss you. After a few weeks, if she does want to contact you, see where it goes from there. But you definitely want to let her explore life without you, and if she comes back then it is meant to be. If not, just work on healing and starting over.

December 1, 2014

My GF of 4 years just did something very similar to me. She never said she wasn't in love with me but she did say she had no idea what she wanted right now, but enjoyed being on her own and not having to answer to anyone. I decided to give her space and the freedom she desired, but only a few days later was dating someone else.

2 years before that she left me and started dating someone else because she believed the grass was greener on the other side. I grieved and ended up moving on, it only took about 2 1/2 months until she came back saying that she realized the grass is greenest wherever you water it. WE lasted two more years, until this recent episode of her needing to be independent and explore the world. She's only 22 though. It's been a month, and she seems to be happier by the day.

From what I've read on the sites, everyone recommends the "No contact". I tried to be friends with my ex right after the break up, even went out to movies and had good conversations but all that did was reinforce that she wasn't ready for anything more. Now that she's officially with her new person, she has absolutely no interest in communicating with me. So, I would recommend no contact, and give her space to miss you. After a few weeks, if she does want to contact you, see where it goes from there. But you definitely want to let her explore life without you, and if she comes back then it is meant to be. If not, just work on healing and starting over.

Thanks for the advice Soccercrazed487. I'm not sure if maybe her becoming scared of commitment even though she said she was ready had anything to do with it, but I know that she tends to get strssed easily and runs away from her problems (which is still ongoing with the new guy).

This coming weekend would have been the weekend I was going to propose to her unforunately.. I think she still has feelings even though she's with this other guy, but do you think maybe she's too "proud" to admit she might've made a mistake?

What would ya'll think if I wrote her a letter just reminding her of all the good times (especially around the holidays), letting her know that I was ready to do whatever it took to be with her (proposal and all) but now I've moved on and have accepted that she has too.. Wish her the best of luck with her new life.. And maybe say something like if in the future you change your mind toward me and would like to try again, and if we're both available, then I might be willing to give us another shot?

Thanks for the advice everyone

December 1, 2014

I think you have to do whatever is going to help you get through this. I did the same thing, let her know that I respected her decision and understood why she had to do it. I told her I will always love her and maybe in the future things will be different. However, once you do that, I think you have to definitely start your no contact. She needs to truly feel what it's like to live without you. I don't know if I'd go into the good times y'all had, just because its almost like asking for another chance. I made it clear that I honestly didn't want another chance right now, because she wasn't ready and I couldn't be with someone that didn't know what they wanted. I never asked to have her back, or tried to remind her of what she lost. They know what their giving up and have accepted that their okay with that. Tell her you respect her and will always care for her. Then go your separate way. It might take months, or she might not come back, but I think the best chance you have is to let her experience what life is like without you. Once she gets over the "new/exciting" phase of being with someone else, it'll get dull, and she'll start wondering whether she made the right decision. She'll start wondering what you're doing and who you're with. At this point, if she truly wants to try again, she will contact you. Just keep your letter short, and to the point. End communication with her on a good note, so that you can be okay with the no contact.

My ex has now gone through 2 people in less than 1 month, and believe me when I see a rough patch I want to get involved and try to convince her things would be better with me. But now that the "love blinders" are off, I'm starting to question why I would want to be with someone that could throw me to the side so quickly. I know it's their way of handling the breakup, but after 4 years, it shouldn't be that easy. It's only been 30 days, and I am at the point where I don't know if I'd take her back.

So say what you need to say, start your no contact, heal yourself so that when and if she does come back you're in the right mind frame to make the best decision for you. The way I see it, I'm healing and bettering myself..If months from now she comes back, great we'll go from there. If not, I'm a better, happier person even without her in my life. It's a win/win.

December 2, 2014

Thanks, that makes sense. I need to accept that this is her way of coping and hoping she finds something else, and that only she can change her own mind and feelings. I know she wasn't cheating on me but she probably did start to lose feelings for me over time. It sucks to think she's the one who got away.

One part of me does want to write the letter just so that it finally sinks in that I won't be around, and will maybe make her question how she could have traded it all in so easily for something that she doesn't even know if she wants.. Especially giving up the cat that she was supposedly in love with. Maybe she'll even remember all the things I did do for her and how we did connect, which I know she isn't getting from this guy. I feel like if I've already lost her and she doesn't really think of me, what do I have to lose ya know.

Yet at the same time once I have healed a little more I might be interested in just being friends, because part of me would just be happy to have her in my life in some form. She really has no friends (besides his) and we were the best of friends, so it could be possible. And maybe she'll miss me more through this method.

I realize that she may never come back to me and in that case I guess it wasn't meant to be like I had thought.

Any thoughts from anyone?

December 2, 2014

Writing a letter to her isn't going to convince her that you're not around. It's going to convince her that you're still thinking about her.

You sound like the boyfriend every girl dreams of, or SHOULD dream of. You've done EVERYTHING right. Now back off. Let go. This is her problem. I agree with one of the previous posters. There was someone else in the picture way before you knew about it. This girl is going to have to mature before she realizes that you're a catch. And that might take another 15 years, seriously.

There's no point waiting on this one. At her level of maturity, she'd rather date Mike Tyson than admit she was wrong.

Stay NC. Focus on you. Be strong.

December 2, 2014

Nah, sorry dude. But, I'm with Kevin on this one. She knew this dude long before she broke it off with you. She may not have met up with him, but there was probably an online romance. Your first post had red flags ALL OVER IT. I'll point them out to you and maybe they'll make some sense.

1. You got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. The ILYBINILWY speech is STRAIGHT out of the cheaters handbook.

2. She needs "space". She's in a committed relationship; therefore, there's no need for "space". She wanted "space" from you to explore this other love interest without any interference from you.

3. She said she was "confused". Confused about what exactly? When a girl says she's "confused", she's usually confused about her feelings for you and for feelings she has for someone else.

4. She wanted to make sure "you are the one I should be with". Basically, that's an admission if you think about it. How is she going to know if YOU are the one unless she compares you to someone else or others?! Also, it's a tactic to keep you on the hook while she plays the field.

That's TOO MANY red flags for her not to have been cheating on you. Now, it may not have been this 29 year old guy. It could have been someone that happened right after she broke it off with you. Someone you don't even know about. She probably discovered that his motivation with her was to "hit it and quit it". But, she moved onto this 29 year old douche rocket.

Regardless, here's what you need to do. Go NO CONTACT with her. Go dark. She made the decision to have you out of her life. ALSO, she made the decision to have the cat out of her life. That cat is now yours. You don't have to update her on the cat. She gave up that right. Plus, with you having the cat is an excuse to keep the line of communication with you open. An excuse to inject herself into your life.

You need to go dark on her. She needs to know what it feels like to have you out of her life completely. And don't feel bad about it, this was her choice, not yours. You're just giving her exactly what she was asking for.

December 2, 2014

Writing a letter to her isn't going to convince her that you're not around. It's going to convince her that you're still thinking about her.

You sound like the boyfriend every girl dreams of, or SHOULD dream of. You've done EVERYTHING right. Now back off. Let go. This is her problem. I agree with one of the previous posters. There was someone else in the picture way before you knew about it. This girl is going to have to mature before she realizes that you're a catch. And that might take another 15 years, seriously.

There's no point waiting on this one. At her level of maturity, she'd rather date Mike Tyson than admit she was wrong.

Stay NC. Focus on you. Be strong.

I guess you're right about the letter, I just thought it might be a reminder of me to have her take a step back and think about things since she seems so focused in on the new guy. I think part of it is that she wants to prove everyone wrong about him (her family, others who know him/of him) and honestly maybe she needs to get her heart broken to realize this.

And thanks she's admitted that I was an amazing guy inside and out after our breakup, and that I was so good to her and her family. I guess it doesn't matter how much love you show toward a person if they're thinking there could be someone more exciting or attractive. At least I can say that I gave it my all and that she majorly downgraded from me.

But I'm telling you, I know for a fact she was not cheating on me physically or emotionally with any other guy while we were still together. I think she started to question her happiness, that's all. Once we officially broke up is when she started to try and meet people online (including this guy), but in hindsight I'm not too surprised because before me she was always the type to move right on to another guy because of her coping insecurities and not wanting to be alone. I just thought that she had grown up when she was with me, but I guess I was fooled.

So I guess I should just ignore her until Christmas then right (because I know she'll try to reach out to me again first)?

December 2, 2014

Dude, you have to start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because chances are, she's not.

Sorry, it's the hard truth of the matter. Whatever reason she left, she chose to leave. Therefore, you need to get on with your life. You're not being fair to yourself by holding onto false hope.

December 2, 2014

It's over. No contact.

December 2, 2014

Happens to all of us here dude. Life is not fair. Trust me I know your pain.

You will have alot of dark days ahead of you. It is your choice how you handle it.

This is the time to make your self a better person. I know it is cliche, but it is all you can do.

And even if she does come back she will do it again. Hell mine did. And I went thought the same heartbreak twice with the same person.

December 3, 2014

Hate to break it you, but it's like the previous posters stated, it's over. You're like the Boston Red Sox in Game 7 back in 1986. The title was blown by Buckner in Game 6, and even though you technically have a shot, everyone knows the outcome is going to be ugly. Redeem yourself like the '04 Red Sox, and go out a winner. Translated: I've been there brother. Hell, I wasted 10 years---YES, 10 years---wanting some kind of closure, and, simultaneously, wondering how she was. She contacted me through instant messenger almost 7 years after she broke up with me, and I shut her down quickly (I guess that I was practicing NC subconsciously), but still thought about her. All her attempt at communicating did was open Pandoras Box. I saw her relatives on FB, so I looked at one of their profiles, and lo and behold, I saw something that I didn't want to see, which sent me into a deep depression just a month ago. And that's why everyone is telling you to leave her ass alone. Because you're going to see, or hear, something you didn't want to see or hear that will possibly rock your inner core. I've been looking around the site for a few weeks, reading postings, and they have helped me to stop thinking about her. You know why? Because the folks on this site are straight shooters. They don't pour syrup on **** and call it pancakes. I struggle at times with her memory, but I keep it moving, and so should you. Stay strong bro, and don't suffer needlessly like I and others have.

Edited December 3, 2014 by JollyDays

December 4, 2014

I think your problem along with a lot of posters (Including myself), is you don't want it to be over. You want what you cant have.

Think it is as this. Would you continue to show up to a job you were fired from...NO!

What you can do is beef up your resume, (ie, go to the gym, get better clothes ect), so you can land a new "job".

No one can predict the future, but how do you know that that new "job" wont be better than your previous "job". It will be different that will be for sure, but it may be just worth it.

Its hard giving advise myself (I am still hurting, and yes i do miss my ex), but i know i cant have her. However i am using this time to better myself, so I think you should to.

Again with the cliche, but you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel

Heartbreaks happens all the time, just look at this site, have comfort you are not alone in this journey

Edited December 4, 2014 by EuTuBrute

December 5, 2014

I think your problem along with a lot of posters (Including myself), is you don't want it to be over. You want what you cant have.

Think it is as this. Would you continue to show up to a job you were fired from...NO!

What you can do is beef up your resume, (ie, go to the gym, get better clothes ect), so you can land a new "job".

No one can predict the future, but how do you know that that new "job" wont be better than your previous "job". It will be different that will be for sure, but it may be just worth it.

Its hard giving advise myself (I am still hurting, and yes i do miss my ex), but i know i cant have her. However i am using this time to better myself, so I think you should to.

Again with the cliche, but you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel

Heartbreaks happens all the time, just look at this site, have comfort you are not alone in this journey

Man, your job analogy is spot-on...lol. It's like Et Tu stated---it's not easy. I would never tell you that. Some of us struggle for a few weeks, and some of us struggle for years. But you have to forge ahead. To use another sports analogy, you were released, and now you're a free agent. It's time to offer your services to another "team", so make the best of it.

December 5, 2014

What you should do is forget about this fickle child that used to be your girlfriend.

She's done-zo and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can begin to have a mature relationship with someone else.

She's afraid of committment but she's already with another guy who happens to be divorced? Yeah. Move on buddy.

December 5, 2014

I guess I'm in a similar situation but on the other side of things. I broke up with my boyfriend, then kissed someone else, and now regret it. I don't know what I want either, I'm confused and all that... I guess the best thing you could do is give you and her some space. Enjoy yourself and leave her figure out what she wants. I think when she truly knows you're gone, that's when the momentum of what's happened will kick in and her true feelings will start to show ie. whether she's happy with this situation or whether she wants you back. Whatever has happened has happened for a reason, I truly believe that and the best thing that you could do right now is take care of yourself, focus on your life and it will all work out in the end.

December 8, 2014

Thanks everybody. I realize that things don't look promising but I think she's just lying to herself honestly, which is kind of sad. And I agree that she's been immature about some things. I'm working on me and I don't suffer over her like I used to - I just miss what we had at times. I have a new place to live lined up and friends that have really helped me take my mind off of her and offer up advice.

The funny thing is that she's been contacting me lately and viewing my facebook on a daily basis - not sure if she's just curious or because she genuinely cares how I'm doing. And she's been hanging out with him less from what I've been told.

She just texted me saying she found some more of our cat's things that I can have so we're meeting up briefly tomorrow. Part of me wants to just take the things and keep it civil, allowing for the chance that maybe we'll be friends (or it'll make her miss me more) by not really engaging her. The other part of me wants to really press her on the true reasons she broke up with me, and say something along the lines of if you really want us to be friends I'm going to tell you straight out how I feel about the way things went down so you don't do that to someone else, and remind her that she gave up a lot (the cat, someone sho really treated her AND her family right) just to make sure she wasn't missing out on something. And then another part of me just wants to say if you want something real again you know how to reach me and maybe we'll be able to try again once you've figured out what you want - but I'm not waiting around (hoping that the loss even as a friend will really kick in)

I'm even contemplating telling her "oh by the way, we would've been engaged this past weekend on a trip that I had all planned out months in advance" just to let her know what she is missing.

Any thoughts?

Edited December 8, 2014 by Windman17
Adding in

December 8, 2014

No! No! No!....don't tell her that! Chances are she won't even care! You should have text her to mail the cat crap to you. You need to start NC. You know way too much about her and what she's doing. That's not NC.

December 9, 2014

Thanks everybody. I realize that things don't look promising but I think she's just lying to herself honestly, which is kind of sad. And I agree that she's been immature about some things. I'm working on me and I don't suffer over her like I used to - I just miss what we had at times. I have a new place to live lined up and friends that have really helped me take my mind off of her and offer up advice.

The funny thing is that she's been contacting me lately and viewing my facebook on a daily basis - not sure if she's just curious or because she genuinely cares how I'm doing. And she's been hanging out with him less from what I've been told.

She just texted me saying she found some more of our cat's things that I can have so we're meeting up briefly tomorrow. Part of me wants to just take the things and keep it civil, allowing for the chance that maybe we'll be friends (or it'll make her miss me more) by not really engaging her. The other part of me wants to really press her on the true reasons she broke up with me, and say something along the lines of if you really want us to be friends I'm going to tell you straight out how I feel about the way things went down so you don't do that to someone else, and remind her that she gave up a lot (the cat, someone sho really treated her AND her family right) just to make sure she wasn't missing out on something. And then another part of me just wants to say if you want something real again you know how to reach me and maybe we'll be able to try again once you've figured out what you want - but I'm not waiting around (hoping that the loss even as a friend will really kick in)

I'm even contemplating telling her "oh by the way, we would've been engaged this past weekend on a trip that I had all planned out months in advance" just to let her know what she is missing.

Any thoughts?

Don't take it personal, but please don't tell her about any planned trip. Makes you sound desperate as hell. Take that damn hard earned money of yours and invest in yourself, or another lady. Someone who'll truly care about you. She seems like a true manipulator. She's the fisher, the love you once had is the bait, and you're the fish being strung along. I hate thinking of how she's going to destroy you further, but if you like it I love it.

Sign In

My girlfriend of 5+ years broke up with me and is with someone new

Recommended Posts

Windman17

Kevin_D

Windman17

Soccercrazed487

Windman17

Soccercrazed487

Windman17

SycamoreCircle

Chi townD

Windman17

Chi townD

Satu

EuTuBrute

JollyDays

EuTuBrute

JollyDays

Diezel

lmac

Windman17

Chi townD

JollyDays

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...