TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) You know, there's something magical about words...therein lies the peril, that we "mistake the map for the territory," but anyway, there's something magical about words and it's like if there's a word, a name, a label for something many of us feel better (still not "good" but noticeably "better").... So I discover my live-in girlfriend/soon-to-be ex may well have Borderline Personality Disorder -- or, to be more precise with my words, exhibits a lot of the official BPD traits, if I understand those traits correctly...but one thing that's nagging me about it all is this: She doesn't do outbursts usually. Usually it's me with the outbursts and biting remarks after I feel like I've had enough of the latest paranoia (seriously fearing spit in her food if I even mildly argue with waitstaff over something like seating preferences), insecurity (me chatting with an old widow online once about her late husband), self-mutilation (she can't stand pimples and pops them despite knowing that this just messes her face up even worse -- though this is the only self-mutilation she does, self-excoriation in the form of obsessive-compulsive zit-poppin'), addiction (she can't stop piggin' out but blames me since I won't go on a diet with her), etc. So what do y'all make of it? 'Specially you, Downtown, given your knowledge of BPD?? I know angry outbursts is just one of the nine official traits, but reading the posts on this here site it seems like everyone's former Significant Other with BPD had originated angry outbursts whereas in my case it's been me that's almost always done the angry outbursting. I don't think I exhibit any of the other traits myself, but this "bad temper" one I am certainly guilty of and her, very rarely, almost never in all of five years (at least without being prompted by my own outburst). Is it possible to be a BPDer but not do outward angry?? Thanks, y'all. Edited November 30, 2014 by TiredConfusedHurtSad Clarification.
BC1980 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 It doesn't matter in the long run. A lot of people could for the traits for these disorders. I wouldn't spend a wealth of time trying to pin down a diagnosis on someone else. My ex has traits of NPD, but I'm certainly not trained to diagnose someone with a mental illness. Just know that it's dysfunctional, and stay away. BTW, your example of self mutilation sounds more like OCD. One key with personality disorders seems to be a past trauma that has caused a disconnect with emotions. 3
blackcat777 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Just know that it's dysfunctional, and stay away. ^This exactly. I'll never know what exactly is my ex's problem... All I need to know is that A) there is a problem and B) it needs to remain his problem, not mine. Someone said in another thread, in the long run, it's worse to lose someone who is functional and a catch, rather than to lose someone with issues. It doesn't take your pain away, but as time passes, I see this to be very true. 3
jackinthebox1 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Yes, she has BPD, and she has "gigs" and she is going through emotional stress from work right now or shes a lesbian. OR - she doesnt want to be with you anymore...... 2
SoThatHappened Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Someone said in another thread, in the long run, it's worse to lose someone who is functional and a catch, rather than to lose someone with issues. It doesn't take your pain away, but as time passes, I see this to be very true. I'll take credit for saying this, even if it wasn't me. Great posts BC and blackcat777. The point is to extract yourself from someone who displays the traits that fall under BPD/NPD etc. As has been said, it's better to lose someone who exhibits these traits than it is to lose someone who doesn't. At least you have reasons as to why it didn't work out, regardless if he/she is able to be diagnosed. 1
Author TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Okay, thanks everyone, I get the point. I guess I just like being fair to her in my own mind, as it were -- I'd hate for someone else to misrepresent me, even in their own minds, and so I'm trying not to do the same.... Most likely this is just a sneaky way for my ego to keep focusing on her! Probably a bit of both...but whatever. The concrete steps to take is to go away. Interestingly, she's -- doh! There I go again!!
Downtown Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 She doesn't do outbursts usually.... Is it possible to be a BPDer but not do outward angry?Yes, TCHS, it is possible. A small portion of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- turn their anger inward, not outward, when their anger is triggered. That is, instead of "acting out," these BPDers usually "act in." This does not mean, however, that they don't punish their partners. They punish using passive-aggressive behaviors such as snide comments and icy cold withdrawal. Because these BPDers don't rage or throw temper tantrums very often, they are usually called the "quiet borderlines" or "borderline waifs." They are discussed by Kreger at Waif -- Randi Kreger, by Schreiber at WAIFS, and Mahari at Quiet Borderlines. I caution that, if your Ex really does have strong BPD traits, you should have been seeing evidence of her being emotionally unstable because the key trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. I mention this because, in your brief descriptions of your Ex, you've not said that she was unstable. Such instability would have been evident, for example, in a repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. Moreover, the pimple popping you describe is NOT an example of self mutilation. 1
Author TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Thanks again for more resources, Downtown!! The pimple-popping I'd seen specifically cited somewhere online as "self-excoriation" which is akin to self-mutilation.... As for her instability, yeah, she does have mood swings -- thought I'd already mentioned that somewhere; sorry. She seems dead-set on leaving me this time...she's actually moved out once and came back three days later (without begging from me!)...she's already put down a deposit twice on two other occasions but was able to get them back, luckily...then there're several more times when she'd start packing but then relent once I begged and apologized and begged some more...but I'm practically not begging at all this time, like two or three times quickly mentioning that we could work it out but then quickly agreeing with her when she protests that we can't and then I'll just leave it at that and not talk anymore about it.... But I think it's real this time. 1
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