alexwood Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 if it seems things are going great an dyou get dumped out of nowhere.. how do you just walk away? how do you not try to figure out whats wrong or fight for it?
Ducktape Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Because at first you don't need to understand why and how to NC. You just do it. You fake it until you make it. You realize through NC, why you need NC. As for trying to figure out why it ended, you'll never really know. The real reason is hardly ever divulged. Answers will only bring more questions, always. As for fighting for it, you fight for it during the relationship, not when it's over. The only thing you can do is accept that the other party wants what the relationship is over. Only he/she holds the possibility of it reconciliation, if at that point it is still what you want. So the only thing you can do right now for the relationship that is no more, is to not do anything at all. 5
lonewalker Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 The truth is. Break up coping has stages. Some people jump right into the last few stage which is NC. Others will fight and do everything they can before they give up. My suggestion is... do what you feel like and have no regrets. Coz NC is good for healing but I somehow belongs to the ones who fight and did everything I could . Becoz i didnt want regrets. At least for now I can tell myself, I have done my best and I should have no regrets. Makes it easier for me to go NC rather than to go NC immediately and then later have tons of things that makes you keep thinking of what ifs and the latter I feel often breaks NC then those who have did everything they could till they are exhausted. It makes NC much easier. At least for me. 4
Invictus01 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Have you ever tried to do that? Did it get you anywhere? I have. And the answer is negative. It is tough, but the girl will lose any respect for you if you stick around. Think about it. Say it was the other way around and you broke up with her. Do you want her to stick around and bug the crap out of you? Of course not. You will think she is crazy and doesn't respect your decision. After that, what are her chances of getting you back? Probably non existent. 3
Haydn Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 You start NC, you fail a few times. (Sometimes more) Then one day you stick to it. That includes all social media blocking as well. It is difficult and it is not to get them back. That`s a game. If they wanted you back, they would be kicking down your door. Good luck. 1
I'mNotYourGirl Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Because i refuse to talk to somebody who hurt me. When he broke up with me i was calm and he was yelling and freaking out like he was the dumpee not me!! He told me many hurtful things that i didn't deserve to hear. I was very good for him and i can honestly say that i treated him better than his own family, who didn't care about him at all!! So, after all his ugly behaviour i'm not going to have with him chat like:"how are you? hey what's up" No contact until dumper will genuinely apologize. 1
lemonsugar Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 because its over they dont want you in thir lives so you make it happen you just disappear. Its better than the lets be friends stuff clean break is nicer and easier to heal. Im like day 30 something into NC and im happy most of the time
writergal Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 No Contact is the last stage of a break-up. There is no black and white break-up method that works for everyone. Do no contact when it feels right for you. If you do the dumping, no contact is no problem. If you get dumped, that's when no contact is a struggle because of course you want to try to understand what went wrong in the relationship; what the dumper's motives really are. But in the end, having that info doesn't change the fact that they dumped you. So, no contact is the way to give yourself emotional closure because the dumper never provides the emotional closure, even if they give you a cockamamie reason, it's just to placate you. The reason no contact works, is that it allows you to place the dumper into a mental space where you can forget about that person while you continue to heal. Block them from your social media and immerse yourself back into your life. And eventually, you'll be ready to date again and then begin the arduous process all over again of trying to find someone whom you're compatible with. Fun, isn't dating? 1
EgoJoe Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 No contact forces healing and perspective. If there are factors in your former relationship that were incredibly painful NC will put space in between that event and your present. Reliving that trauma via emotional bonds that are associated with it can delay your healing. If reconciliation is possible going NC and vanishing immediately will create interest and cause people to second guess their decision though your healing will already be accelerated. The above can be realized as possible but healing is what is most important. 3
egohurt Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I understand the no contact but I think some people dont go straight to it. i bet theres some people on here that try to fight to keep the relationship going then go no contact when they realize its not gonna happen just my opinion no way everyone goes straight no contact especially if you really care baout that person
The Poster Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I struggle with this all the time. I haven't contacted her since we broke up. I'm strong enough not to. But on the other hand, there's a big part of me that wants to fight somehow. Not begging or pleading, but somehow. I still believe in us. I still feel that potential and that strong connection and bond. We only dated a few months, but I feel like she gave up on something that could have been great. Ultimately, the only thing I can really do is work on myself and weather the painful storm, and if it's meant to be, I do believe God will make it so. I've always believed in fate. 2
erklat Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I understand the no contact but I think some people dont go straight to it. i bet theres some people on here that try to fight to keep the relationship going then go no contact when they realize its not gonna happen just my opinion no way everyone goes straight no contact especially if you really care baout that person You don't the first time. Every next time it is piece of cake. Breakup pain will change you if it was genuine. You will never again naively fall in love. You will learn to implement nc on the first sign of red flags. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Very few dumpees go No Contact right away. There's the normal immediate aftermath of trying to get the dumper to reconsider or trying to figure out why. While it's not the best look, it's understandable. But where dumpees screw up is continuing to try to do this. The ones who "fight for their love" like they are in a romantic comedy are the ones that emotionally get the living piss kicked out of them and are the ones that end up making a big fool of themselves. Continously begging after someone who dumped you doesn't show fight or strength -- it shows clingyness and a lack of self-worth, neither of which helps your "fight." I guess what I'm saying is that when it happens, don't feel bad about the immediate reaction or emoting. But don't continue it and let it linger. State your case however you feel (hopefully don't be too emotional, but whatever) and when it doesn't work, it's time to back off and heal with No Contact. Don't be that guy or girl that can't take a hint. 2
joebrowndown Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 if you were ina serious relationship with a girl i dont see how you just "walk away" without fighting
Simon Phoenix Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 if you were ina serious relationship with a girl i dont see how you just "walk away" without fighting Because most dumpees' version of fighting is the equivalent to a drunk buffoon swinging wildly at a bar -- sloppy, ineffective, and makes you look like a fool. If you want to "fight", fight like an army general would -- by fortifying your defense and making yourself strong first before even considering an invasion. 9
Invictus01 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Because most dumpees' version of fighting is the equivalent to a drunk buffoon swinging wildly at a bar -- sloppy, ineffective, and makes you look like a fool. If you want to "fight", fight like an army general would -- by fortifying your defense and making yourself strong first before even considering an invasion. I actually lol'd at that. I have done the drunk buffoon version of it. With the girl who decided to be friends with me a couple of weeks ago... I am ghost to her from day one, as much as it is killing me inside. I am a complete mess. But I am a ghost to her.
blackcat777 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I found LS maybe three weeks into my breakup, but I had instinctively gone NC. I mean, what can you possibly say to someone who dumps you out of nowhere, with no explanation, no warning? When someone doesn't even want to try, what CAN you say to that? Nothing. The longer you do it, the stronger you get. It doesn't feel like this in the beginning--it feels worse than death and hell--but, *trust me,* the power of NC snowballs over time. Next time you feel an urge to contact, tell yourself, "I am stronger than this." "I don't need to do this." That self-control and self-respect (from not willingly throwing your heart into the garborator) becomes empowerment. It's a battle to get your head and heart back into sync after being dumped. Continue to reason (head) with yourself when you feel (heart) the urge to contact. With time, the voice of reason grows. I still feel pangs of pain. But I know he played me. I know there's no good that will come of contacting him. Finally, there is the inevitable, the changeless--he left, and he didn't look back. I also close my shades at night, something I never did before. Just in case he's in town, I don't ever want him be able to drive by and creep on me. My life is my business. Blocking his phone number shut out the pain of the silence. The more DECISIONS (head) you can make and stick to, the faster you'll heal and the stronger you will feel. 1
Invictus01 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 i stil think most people would fight But... fight what? What can be possibly said or done when your girlie or dude is walking away from you? What can you do to stop them? Nothing. If the person you are with isn't afraid to lose you... you got nothing.
joebrowndown Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 But... fight what? What can be possibly said or done when your girlie or dude is walking away from you? What can you do to stop them? Nothing. If the person you are with isn't afraid to lose you... you got nothing. its instinct. you try to fight for what was yours
KatZee Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 if it seems things are going great an dyou get dumped out of nowhere.. how do you just walk away? how do you not try to figure out whats wrong or fight for it? It's something you learn how to do after you makes the mistake of chasing, "fighting for," being friends with, or demanding answers from a person who is now your ex and who doesn't want to be with you. It makes you look pathetic. Ex of almost three YEARS dumped me and he never heard from me again. 2
BC1980 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 i stil think most people would fight A lot of people do try to fight, even if that just means staying in contact. But it's futile.
organizedchaos Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 i stil think most people would fight That's not in question here. People do fight. They just don't win. So your point is what? 1
Ganz7 Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 When she dumped me saying she was staying at a friends apartment I did my best to get things going. I offered her out to watch a film, had a couple of tickets for an off-road segway event. Each one she had an excuse: birthday party she was going to. I spread the texts out over a few days so as not to appear clingy. Then I texted one of her friends about what had happened and would her friend like to share a coffee and a chat. Her friend did not get in touch with me but told my ex that I had been in contact. Almost immediately I got a phone call(!) from my ex saying if I did meet up with her friend to let me know that she had lied to her friend by saying she was still working at my brother in laws garage as a admin staff. She also said she had fallen out a bit with her friend and was not communicating much. She then asked me how I was - like it was the real reason she phoned(!?). I also texted her quite a few times asking how she was and stuff about how I was doing and every time she replied. But here's the thing.. she would never be the first one to text. Her texts were very formal too. A month ago I found out she was already seeing someone (read my post). Since then I have made NC and she has not been in touch at all. We also bumped into each other and I saw her new bf. No txt or nothing from her. Silly things I have done during the NC phase: I added her brother friend on my fb page (I regret this now as it brings back memories of her parents place and country). I viewed an apartment that was in the same block as where she is living now! I couldn't believe I did this. If she saw me then it would have looked bad. It would be like stalking which would add fuel to her reasons for dumping me. NC for 4 weeks now. I keep reminding myself that she walked away from me, my family and friends who had been kind to her and supported her over the years. I still have feelings but if she ever came back I know I would never be able to trust her again. So it's over. It's great to be able to read all the support here. This forum is really helping me get through this.
flightplan Posted December 2, 2014 Posted December 2, 2014 i stil think most people would fight Fight for what? By pointing out to them the lousy decision they made by dumping you? Calling into question their ability to know whats best for them? Second guessing their decision because, as your name implies, your ego was hurt? Fighting by not respecting their decision to move on? I fought, but I wish I never had. I wish I would've hung the damn phone up on her. But I did... and it only made me look foolish. My breakup was about a year ago, so I'm over it for the most part, back to myself again... so I can say this with some perspective. If you have to fight for something that's soooo good to begin with, then someone is living in a bubble and better pull their head out of their ass. Fighting for a relationship is your ego's attempt to hold something together so you don't feel the pain and rejection of being dumped. It has nothing to do with the relationship itself. When you put some distance between yourself and the relationship, you'll realize the absurdity of fighting for someone who doesn't want you in their life. 1
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