Augman Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Hello all, I've been having some bad thoughts running through my mind, and I'm not entirely sure why. I practically found the woman of my dreams. we're working on 3 months in a committed relationship after being friends and dating briefly before-hand. I met her 5 months ago or so. We are both very into monogamy, and there is no one else I even look at. She would do nearly anything for me, and its a relief having someone so in love with me in my life. Having said that.. I was a virgin before her. (we started having regular sex about a month into the committed relationship) and I wanted my first time to have the most meaning possible (without waiting for marriage, although that would have been nice, I wasn't willing to go to those extremes... But, she had sex once before me. It was a friend of hers for years that finally talked her into it, she had to sneak around her parents to make it happen at the time. She said it didn't feel right and was looking for something that would feel right. Our first time was honestly perfect and full of love, and I figured us now having regular sex would ease my weird insecurities about her losing her virginity before me. It has helped, but its still there. She is a great woman that helps me with these insecurities. She tells me all the time that I am the only one ever for her, and that when we make love it means the world to her. She even told me even though it wasn't her first time having sex with me, it was her first time making love. Her reasoning for finally letting him talk her into having sex was that she felt like she was just going to die alone anyways, so why die a virgin? No one before me has actually loved her, and she has been hurt in many ways in the past. She tells me she has never felt comfortable being naked in front of anyone but me. She has a hard time opening up to me, but she has kept to herself completely her whole life, and says she has opened up to me much more than anyone else in her life. To be fair, we've had plenty of firsts and lots of fun in our relationship. I was her first BJ, and plenty of other fun firsts together... So why does my brain keep thinking bad thoughts...? I constantly think things like: What kind of woman is she to go have casual sex, when it's suppose to mean so much more? or, what if it didn't mean as much to her as it did to me? I wasn't the one to show her how it feels, so it meant less. Before you all blow up at me for not being 100% convinced of her love, understand that insecurities are irrational sometimes, and I just need a little support, even though, yes, I get TONS of support from my lovely GF... oh and I apologize for the long post...thanks so much in advance guys.. and don't be too harsh on me. oh, side note... before everyone starts asking how young we are, I'm 19 in college, shes 17 in high school. (I know... we're young)
pies Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I think you are being unfair to her. From what you are saying, it's possible she doesn't feel right/feels guilty about the way she lost her V, you know? I know someone who wasn't happy the way she did, and to be fair the last thing you need is the person you love internally judging you for it. And what if she had actually enjoyed it? How does it make her unworthy? What is wrong with casual sex? Sex opposed to lovemaking. It doesn't mean that putting your penis into her vagina means less, it means that she loves you, kisses you with meaning and sleeps next to you afterwards and that should be worth more than anything. You were the person to show her how LOVE feels. How can you even compare? You need to open up those eyes, dear, you really do... 1
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I'm glad your 1st time was everything you wanted but I have two harsh realities for you: 1. You probably won't marry her. 2. After age 20 you will be hard pressed to find a virgin. She didn't lose her virginity in a slutty way, even if she was a bit young for my tastes. She's not running around banging every guy in school & she values monogamy. Focus on the fact that she picked you & that you are her BF. The past is the past & you can't change that. 2
Molly Hooper Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I wouldn't say losing your virginity to a friend of several years is casual sex - at least at that age. Her experiences are what have made this young woman into who she is today - which is someone you claim to be completely in love with. How dare you question her as a person simply because she didn't follow the exact same path as you. And frankly, it sounds like she basically did. She wasn't slutty, she didn't try to jump in bed with you immediately... stop judging her. Now that you're in college, how do you perceive social and romantic interactions between men and women? Are you finding many women (and men) behaving in the same way that you are expecting as far as having sex? I hate to use the age card, but as you get older, you may find that not as many people share the same sentiments regarding sex as you do. That doesn't mean you're wrong; it simply means that people look at sex differently - and it sounds like the person you are with values sex in the way you do. Don't focus on her past experience - focus on who she is now and how she wants to move forward with you. It's important that you share the same values, not that you had an identical experience leading up to your relationship. 2
preraph Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Well, this is all your problem and not at all her problem. It's completely irrational like you said and unreasonable, so maybe time to go to a psychologist and find out why you think women shouldn't be sexual.
Author Augman Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 I think you are being unfair to her. From what you are saying, it's possible she doesn't feel right/feels guilty about the way she lost her V, you know? I know someone who wasn't happy the way she did, and to be fair the last thing you need is the person you love internally judging you for it. And what if she had actually enjoyed it? How does it make her unworthy? What is wrong with casual sex? Sex opposed to lovemaking. It doesn't mean that putting your penis into her vagina means less, it means that she loves you, kisses you with meaning and sleeps next to you afterwards and that should be worth more than anything. You were the person to show her how LOVE feels. How can you even compare? You need to open up those eyes, dear, you really do... Thank you, my GF said herself that I was the one to make her feel true love for the first time. She also told me that the night she told me about her first time she stayed up the night crying, thinking she would lose me over it. Obviously what you're saying in your first paragraph is right... why on earth would I want to hurt her or make her feel even more guilty about something she already hates herself for. I will admit that the thought of her liking it is a real hard one to swallow though. In addition, though, My GF and I have very open communication in our relationship. She has made it clear that she wants to know the second I get these thoughts so she understands what I'm thinking and can possibly help. She said even if its at 3am and I have to call to wake her up, she needs to know. I obviously haven't gone to that extreme, but I generally do tell her what I think, hence our talks on the subject of her losing her V... I feel bad enough as it is, and I wish the bad thoughts would just go away, but I figured the more I talk about it and accept everything, the easier it will get. I have a hopeful future with this woman, I can't go ruining it with something stupid. My insecurities have to be conquered. I'm glad your 1st time was everything you wanted but I have two harsh realities for you: 1. You probably won't marry her. 2. After age 20 you will be hard pressed to find a virgin. She didn't lose her virginity in a slutty way, even if she was a bit young for my tastes. She's not running around banging every guy in school & she values monogamy. Focus on the fact that she picked you & that you are her BF. The past is the past & you can't change that. Your #2 point is very realized by me... my college makes that very obvious. Your #1 point could use a little explanation, though. Normally I'd agree, but unless she changes drastically in upcoming years (Which I've heard often can happen in women) I see myself with her for quite a while. (looking at our relationship with rose-colored glasses off, mind you) I wouldn't say losing your virginity to a friend of several years is casual sex - at least at that age. Her experiences are what have made this young woman into who she is today - which is someone you claim to be completely in love with. How dare you question her as a person simply because she didn't follow the exact same path as you. And frankly, it sounds like she basically did. She wasn't slutty, she didn't try to jump in bed with you immediately... stop judging her. Now that you're in college, how do you perceive social and romantic interactions between men and women? Are you finding many women (and men) behaving in the same way that you are expecting as far as having sex? I hate to use the age card, but as you get older, you may find that not as many people share the same sentiments regarding sex as you do. That doesn't mean you're wrong; it simply means that people look at sex differently - and it sounds like the person you are with values sex in the way you do. Don't focus on her past experience - focus on who she is now and how she wants to move forward with you. It's important that you share the same values, not that you had an identical experience leading up to your relationship. Thank you, and I see exactly what you are saying, In fact my GF told me if anything she learned the difference between sex and making love with her past experience, which was very comforting. Having said that, I realize that most people around me don't share my views on sex at all. I see people at my college hooking up with people in any way possible and with as many different people as possible every day. It's a game to them all, and generally I've disagreed with it. I try not to judge, but its not how I view sex. To me it should mean much more. This fact alone is why I've searched for someone with the same views as me on sex. (as you said, I would realize at one point or another that people view it differently, and you are fine for using the age card... I like perspective. My GF views sex as i do, and she said her past experience was a moment of weakness after being asked by her friend for many years and her being hurt so many times just made her give up for a moment... I get it, I really do. I see that I've found someone with such similar views on the topic of sex as me, and I should hold on to that as I look to the future. I came here for some re-assurance and to be told I need a reality check (I know I do). So, thank you. Well, this is all your problem and not at all her problem. It's completely irrational like you said and unreasonable, so maybe time to go to a psychologist and find out why you think women shouldn't be sexual. Ok, firstly, I FULLY realize that this is my issue, not hers. This is not new information. Second, I actually HAVE considered a psychologist for this. Third, I apologize for thinking sex should have more meaning than today's generation believes... I can be a smart @ss, too. No I don't believe woman shouldn't be sexual. I believe it should have meaning. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't initially looking for a virgin, since I was one, too. But, thank you everyone for your input, some of it was exactly what I needed, and I know this is irrational, hence the title... I just needed a kick in the butt and some reassurance to keep my head straight.
Recommended Posts