Septemberblue Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) I've been seeing a man for a little over 3 months now and he told me that he would be in grad school for the next year and a half. Because I liked him so much and we hit it off so well in the beginning I was willing to continue dating him, even though I knew we would not spend a lot of time together. I've made a lot of mistake a long the way in this "relationship". I had sex with him on our second date and we continuously has sex every time we saw each other since. We never had a real conversation on if we were a casual relationship other than a brief one where I said, "is this just sexual relationship to you?" and he said, "I don't know". I didn't make him elaborate even though I should have. I think I was afraid of the answer. I kept having sex without a verbal commitment even though I knew I was falling for him. Now 3 months later and I am feeling myself fall in love with him and I don't know what to do. 2 weeks ago I got a call from him (which was already strange since he's not a caller, he's more of a texter) and he made it a point to tell me about some legal trouble he got in when he was younger in his teens. He was saying that his legal trouble we coming back to haunt him in his job search. I thought it was a stranger conversation since he's never really told me about really personal stuff before. And he was really adamant about me knowing, he even called me at work (he's never CALLED me at work). I told him that he could come over and talk about it since I could tell he was really worked up about it. later that night he texted me saying that he got himself drunk and that he couldn't drive to my house and If I could come over to his place. Because I cared for him, and he was so upset, I told him I would go. As I was getting ready to leave he kept texting me. He was saying that he was so thankful that I would drop everything to see him and, "Thank you for being a friend at the very least". When I got there he was REALLY drunk. I tried to comfort him as much as I could but it was no use. I finally told him that we should just go to sleep (we've spent the night together before). When we finally got in the bed he started touching me. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex with each other. During the sex he asked me, "do you like me?" I was shocked since he's never TALKED to me during sex and that it was such a strange question because OF COURSE I like him. I told him "yes" and as asked him if he liked me (I didn't know what to expect at this point). He says to me, "yeah and I'm being so stupid." I didn't know what that meant so I said "why?" He says, "because I keep ****ing you". At that point I didn't know what to say or do so I decided to wait until another time to talk. After that he started to get a little "rough" with me and he started hurting me. I screamed for him to get off of me and when he did he got really quite (he does that when he doesn't know what to do and is trying to think quickly) he asked, "do you still like me now?" in a scared little boy voice. I knew he didn't mean anything on purpose so I to him "yes". When it was over I started to get a little upset (how could he not know I liked him?) so I say, "do you like me, like really like me? Because sometimes if feels like you don't." He started to get defensive and says, "of course I like you. Why would you say that?" I didn't want to argue with a drunk guy so I left it alone. Since all of that, he really opened up to me about his life. He tells me about is family, his job and what he's doing to get rid him his old police record. He's even asked me to write him a personal reference for court. He's started calling me pet names (Darling, boo, baby, babe). a few days ago I was set to come over to his place and hang out with him and he was like, "you can come over but I won't have much time." Next week is finals and he has a lot of homework to get done. Keep in mind that we don't see each other a lot and we hardly see each other on the weekend because he uses that time for schoolwork. I admit that I totally over reacted and said told him that I didn't want to go anymore. He's not the type to pick up on a woman's anger so he just said, "okay, thanks." That pissed me off even more. I texted him back a few hours later (still pissed off) and said, "do you only see use as a causal relationship?" He texted back 10 minutes later with "I guess so. I like you as a person but I'm extremely busy right now. I thought you were looking at it the same way." At that point I'm hysterical and I told him that all I want to do now is give him back his stuff. He kept saying that he was sorry and says, " I understand if you don't want have sex any more but does this mean we can't talk? I still want us to be friends," I told him this that we can talk anytime he wanted to but I can't have sex with someone that didn't feel anything for me. I asked him if I could give him back the few items I have of his during his lunch break at work (we work in the same building) and he was very adamant about him coming by to get them. I asked him twice and he said wanted to come by my house to pick up a book (that he didn't want) and a USB stick drive (that cost $10). I could have carried them back to him in my purse, no need to waste gas over this. Still he was insistent. The next day I felt bad about about putting him on the spot like that so I decided (right or wrong) to apologizes. He was insistent that I didn't have to say sorry and that it was so big deal at that we we're both stressed out. He told me we would get together soon (most likely after finals and we can talk then). What I'm asking is, do you think I should just back out now? I feel like he didn't say he was never going to feel anything for me, only that he was too busy right now, am I grasping at anything? Any opinion about anything I just said is appreciated. Thanks for reading! (That's so cute!) Edited November 30, 2014 by Septemberblue typo
Author Septemberblue Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Anybody? Anybody at all?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I would walk away now. He's been clear he doesn't want anything serious from you and isn't going to commit. If that's what you want, this guy isn't the one. Be careful that he's not just buttering you up for a reference letter, too. Why can't he get one from a closer friend?
doeblin Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 He's using you. First he used you for sex, and now he wants to use you to write a reference for him. Do you think it's a coincidence he started to be more "sweet", calling you darling and all, when he wanted something from you? And he hurt you. He is imbalanced. He doesn't seem capable of a healthy relationship. I suggest you cut all ties. He's bad news. Ps.: Many people feel the need to write down the whole story. It helps them to see what happened more clearly. However, writing a TLDR summary at the end would make it easier for us, and crystallizing your story could help you see what's really important. 1
Author Septemberblue Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 That's the thing though. I already know he's not going to commit to me right now. I know he can't think about me like that right now and that's okay. I just don't want to feel used. I'm not even sure what I want for him. I spent all day thinking about it and I don't think he's the kind of guy that would commit after 3 months. I think what I want from him is for him to want to see me without always wanting to have sex. I want to be able to sit and have dinner with him or watch a movie with him and go home with nothing but a kiss goodnight.
Author Septemberblue Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) He's using you. First he used you for sex, and now he wants to use you to write a reference for him. Do you think it's a coincidence he started to be more "sweet", calling you darling and all, when he wanted something from you? And he hurt you. He is imbalanced. He doesn't seem capable of a healthy relationship. I suggest you cut all ties. He's bad news. Ps.: Many people feel the need to write down the whole story. It helps them to see what happened more clearly. However, writing a TLDR summary at the end would make it easier for us, and crystallizing your story could help you see what's really important. I not sure you're right about the letter. He has other people writing letters as well. He told me he would going to ask everybody he knew. When I was with him last week he showed me the letter that his mother wrote him. When I was telling him that I would bring him his stuff and that he can get the letter as well he acted like he didn't even want the letter and was more focused on us staying in touch. He called me darling and sweet girl way before he asked about the letter. Before I even knew about his legal troubles actually. And I know my post was really long and I didn't thing about writing out a summary. I'll do that next time. Edited November 30, 2014 by Septemberblue
doeblin Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 That's the thing though. I already know he's not going to commit to me right now. I know he can't think about me like that right now and that's okay. I just don't want to feel used. I'm not even sure what I want for him. I spent all day thinking about it and I don't think he's the kind of guy that would commit after 3 months. I think what I want from him is for him to want to see me without always wanting to have sex. I want to be able to sit and have dinner with him or watch a movie with him and go home with nothing but a kiss goodnight. But why? He sounds like a jerk. You say: "I don't want a relationship with this guy. I know he is not suited for that. I just want to do things that normal people do in normal relationships." Can you spot the inconsistency in the paraphrase above? You will stop feeling used, when you kick him out of your life. He's been using you all along. He is that kind of person. Frankly, he sounds slightly sociopathic. Edit: I've read your last post. Still, it didn't change my mind. He just doesn't sound like a good guy.
Author Septemberblue Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 But why? He sounds like a jerk. You say: "I don't want a relationship with this guy. I know he is not suited for that. I just want to do things that normal people do in normal relationships." Can you spot the inconsistency in the paraphrase above? You will stop feeling used, when you kick him out of your life. He's been using you all along. He is that kind of person. Frankly, he sounds slightly sociopathic. Edit: I've read your last post. Still, it didn't change my mind. He just doesn't sound like a good guy. No I get what you're saying. I meant to say I don't want a relationship right now. He has too much going on right now to commit to me with his full time job and computer science grad work. He was even working on late home work while I was going crazy on the phone with him about giving him back his stuff. I'm saying that I want be able to be in his presence without having sex with him. I know that's not up to him, that's all on me. I just need to get the balls to have that conversation with him. I think that by letting him know how I feel about him was a good start in the right direction. He's not sociopathic...he's actually a really nice and kind man...when things are normal. lol
doeblin Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 He's not sociopathic...he's actually a really nice and kind man...when things are normal. lol You're right. I probably shouldn't have used a psychological term, since I don't know him and I'm not a mental health professional. However, sociopaths can be incredibly charming. Keep your distance, and see how he reacts. Let him chase you for a while. I suspect he will either drop you or demonstrate even crazier behavior. He will show his true colors. I'd stay away from him. Anyway, I said my piece. I'll let others chime in.
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