Should I be suspicious?

[Telfan]

Okay, so I met this great girl about ten months ago. She told me a little while after we started dating that she was still very close to the man she used to date. This is kind of weird, but I like her, so I tolerate it.

 

Then one day she starts talking about filming sex. She asks me if I have any pictures or video like that that I've kept. I tell her, truthfully, no, and ask her the same thing. It turns out that she still has pictures of her and her ex in bed together. She asks me if I want her to delete them, and I tell her no, because a relationship isn't worthwhile if you have to tell the other person what to do. I want to know if SHE wants to keep them.

 

So I tell her no, and she's very obviously happy, big smile on her face, and she says okay. And I wait to see if she decides to delete them. She doesn't, and a few days later I'm having trouble hiding how it's upsetting me. She asks me what's wrong, and I tell her, and so she deletes the pictures on her laptop.

 

Now, we live in different cities and only see each other three or four days a week. We almost always Skype when I'm in the city I work in. One night we've just started a Skype session, when another call comes through and she says that a friend is calling, she'll call me back, and hangs up. Now, every other time this has happened, she hasn't said "a friend," she has said a specific name, "my friend *name.*" So I know immediately who this is. When she calls back, I ask her again who it was, and again she just says "a friend."

 

So I call her on her BS, and she admits that it was her ex, and that she didn't want to tell me. So she basically hung up on me to go talk to her ex, and then she tried to hide it.

 

It's also come out that in her conversations, she never told her ex that she had a new boyfriend. This only happened after seven months and only after I strongly suggested that she should.

 

She's also told me that they broke up because she loved him more then he loved her, and she felt that she wasn't his number one priority, and when she made demands he left her. She's admitted that they never would have kept in touch if she hadn't put in such an effort to stay "friends"...he wanted to go the normal route and just not really be in touch at all.

 

She's from a different country, and she goes back to visit twice a year, and every time she does she meets this guy, alone, and they'll do stuff like go for a walk on the beach or go out for a couple drinks. Take selfie pics together and everything. If someone described the times they have together to me, and I was a third party, I wouldn't be able to think that that wasn't a date.

 

It wasn't until some issues with how old her laptop is and how old the sex pictures are made me realize that she has a backup hard drive in her home country that I realized she hadn't deleted all of her pictures of them in bed together. She has a backup copy, and when she visited her country, after I knew about them, she didn't delete them.

 

The last thing is, the last time she visited her home country, she came back with a box of condoms that were missing two. She said that she didn't know where the missing ones had gone. Like, not even a bad story or lie, just nothing. She didn't know, that's what she said.

 

So I'm asking you all now. Is it wrong to think that she still has feelings for her ex? Because that's what I can't help but feel. I feel like I'm just something to keep her occupied, or a backup, until and unless her ex decides he wants her back. Given everything that's gone on, is that a stupid thing to think?

[Zahara]

Is it wrong to think that she still has feelings for her ex?

 

She still has feelings for her ex.

 

Because that's what I can't help but feel.

 

Err...it's very obvious. It's slapping you in the face obvious.

 

I feel like I'm just something to keep her occupied, or a backup, until and unless her ex decides he wants her back.

 

Yes, you are.

 

Given everything that's gone on, is that a stupid thing to think?

 

The only stupid thing is ignoring what's very evident.

[Telfan]

Thanks for the reply. What I was really looking for were third party opinions on whether she is acting suspiciously or not. Her friends are going to tell her that she's not, and mine are going to tell me that she is, that's just how things work. I was looking for people not involved, to ask them.

 

So thanks again for replying. You've at least confirmed what a reasonable person sees when this stuff goes on.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the reply. What I was really looking for were third party opinions on whether she is acting suspiciously or not. Her friends are going to tell her that she's not, and mine are going to tell me that she is, that's just how things work. I was looking for people not involved, to ask them.

 

So thanks again for replying. You've at least confirmed what a reasonable person sees when this stuff goes on.

 

Suspiciously? She told you she deleted the pictures, but she lied. She got off Skype to talk to a "friend" and it turns out it was her ex after you confront her. She's still having sex with her ex. Unless you like being second fiddle, her behavior is pretty straightforward.

[Telfan]

According to her, she bought the condoms a couple of years ago when she still lived there and she thinks her cousin may have used them when he was visiting.

 

So I don't know for sure that she had sex with him. Her story is plausible, I guess, it's just added on with everything else...

[Zahara]

According to her, she bought the condoms a couple of years ago when she still lived there and she thinks her cousin may have used them when he was visiting.

 

So I don't know for sure that she had sex with him. Her story is plausible, I guess, it's just added on with everything else...

 

I'm sure everything she says is true...just because she says so. Don't be so naive. She's already lied to you.

 

They see each other when she goes there, having romantic dates, walks on the beach, drinks together -- chances are they have sex. Especially so when she is still emotionally invested in him.

[Telfan]

Thanks. It's good to hear that I'm not completely insane. To listen to her, I'm just overly jealous and paranoid.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner keeping old sex-pics of an ex. A handful of old 'relationship' pics is fine, and nice to look back on in years to come. But actual sexual pictures, just screams inappropriate to me. What on earth is the point in keeping them? To look back on and masturbate? For the fond memories? Nah. It says a lot about her that she doesn't want to get rid of them herself. And I can't be the only one thinking that there's some kinda reason she brought it up with you, when she didn't have to. She wants you to know she has those pics, think about it. What could her motive be? To make you feel jealous? To piss you off? If I had any old pics like that it would be because I'd forgotten where they were to delete them, or forgot they existed. I wouldn't be hanging onto them purposefully.

 

Also I do think it's suspicious that she meets up with him alone for long walks on the beach, date-type activities. Especially when they split because she was so into him. Most regular girls with some self respect would have cut the guy out of their life mostly and be focused on the new partner, not going outta their way to stay in touch with the ex, meet up with them. I think most people would find it inappropriate for their partner to be meeting up with their ex for walks along the beach, drinks, taking photos together.

 

And finally, the hanging up on you to speak to her ex and being evasive about it, the whole thing screams that she's either hung up on him and waiting for him to want her back, or she's cheating on you when she gets the chance. None of this sounds right to me, and you don't sound like the crazy-jealous type (based on the fact you didn't initially mind her still being friendly with the ex).

 

I don't know what others will think, but say the consensus is that it is all fishy, what are you going to do about it?

[Telfan]

I don't know. I really love her a lot. The main reason I did this was to get third party opinions. Every time I've brought it up she's just said that I'm being jealous and paranoid.

 

But there are other ways she acts, as well.

 

So she had this guy who was flirting with her at work. And one week he takes the week off to go take some exams. So on the Thursday of the week, she goes and looks up this guy's number and sends him a text wishing him good luck on the text and commiserating about how long the exams were.

 

I told her that he was just going to see this as her encouraging him. She laughed at me. The week he came back to work he asked her out on the weekend.

 

So despite being me right she doesn't think it's a big deal. In fact, when I asked her if she would want to go out with him, she said that if she didn't know I wouldn't like it, she would. Just to be friends. Despite the fact that he would obviously be looking at it as a date.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She sounds like she might be the kinda girl that courts male attention while in a relationship. Either you can handle that trait in a girl you're with, or you can't. I can't imagine I'd think my boyfriend was all that serious about me if he was chasing up his ex to spend time with her and reminisce over sex photos of his ex, the stuff about the guy at work is a little bit more of a grey area in my opinion because she could just be being friendly, and if she knows that she won't take it any further she maybe doesn't see it as a problem being friends if she can draw those boundaries. But it honestly sounds from it all together that perhaps she enjoys winding you up and making you jealous with this stuff, and it works.

[Diezel]

Okay, so I met this great girl about ten months ago. She told me a little while after we started dating that she was still very close to the man she used to date.

 

Oh yeah, real GREAT girl there. Not sure many women would say: He's a GREAT guy but he is close to his ex girl-friend. It's contradictory.

 

This is kind of weird, but I like her, so I tolerate it.

 

So you enjoy being a doormat because of the sex, is what you are saying?

 

Come on man. Girl with a close ex should be an automatic DQ.

And I don't mean Dairy Queen.

[Telfan]

She sounds like she might be the kinda girl that courts male attention while in a relationship. Either you can handle that trait in a girl you're with, or you can't. I can't imagine I'd think my boyfriend was all that serious about me if he was chasing up his ex to spend time with her and reminisce over sex photos of his ex, the stuff about the guy at work is a little bit more of a grey area in my opinion because she could just be being friendly, and if she knows that she won't take it any further she maybe doesn't see it as a problem being friends if she can draw those boundaries. But it honestly sounds from it all together that perhaps she enjoys winding you up and making you jealous with this stuff, and it works.

 

I think she's just grown up this way. She is an engineer, and went to engineering school, and got her masters in it. She's always been in a group that had a lot more males then females, and got a lot of attention because of it. I think maybe she likes it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think she's just grown up this way. She is an engineer, and went to engineering school, and got her masters in it. She's always been in a group that had a lot more males then females, and got a lot of attention because of it. I think maybe she likes it.

 

Try not to make excuses for her. I am a bit of a tomboy inside, grew up with brothers, I have always been into more male-orientated music, interests, often worked in really male-dominated environments (you don't get much more male-centred than being the only female pizza delivery driver in an entire store for 2.5 years straight), generally gel better with guys than women initially even though I have some extremely close and cherished female best friends. When I'm single I'm fairly promiscuous too I suppose, go on lots of dates and no problems having casual sex. But when I have a boyfriend, I never court male attention, I don't have anything to do with exes, I am transparent in my friendships with guys (partner is always invited along and encouraged to bond with my male close friends). I act with integrity and make sure my partner never has reason to doubt my faithfulness or to think I try and get attention from guys.

 

She's this way because she enjoys it and she gets something out of it, the engineering background and whatever is a red herring.

[Frank2thepoint]

Okay, so I met this great girl about ten months ago. She told me a little while after we started dating that she was still very close to the man she used to date. This is kind of weird, but I like her, so I tolerate it.

 

The second sentence of your post says exactly where you f*cked up. Everything after this sentence is you voluntarily placing yourself in a situation where you will be lied to and taken for granted.

 

 

I don't know. I really love her a lot. The main reason I did this was to get third party opinions. Every time I've brought it up she's just said that I'm being jealous and paranoid.

 

You keep loving her. She'll keep lying and manipulating you.