The "I'm in my 30s and I'm not sure about the future" topic

[Teknoe]

Hey Loveshack,

Wanted to create a place where I (or hopefully we) can rant, discuss and share one another's burdens. Feel free to post too even if you're not 30, but this is moreso geared toward people specifically in their 30s.

 

So here are some of my hang-ups. First of all I am 31. I got my first full time job at age 28, so I'm a bit of a late bloomer. Truth is though, from 24-27 I was scared to move on to the next phase of my life. After graduation I decided to take it easy and work part time. During that time I became a diehard Christian. I met a lot of friends and went to church (events) 2, even 3x a week. I even flew to Africa for a 2 week mission trip, and I even, for a short season, led a young adult Bible group. I really got into the church scene hardcore.

 

It was also my social circle.

 

And I loved it. For a time, at least. During my 25-27 period, my brother constantly picked on me for not having a full time job.

 

Eventually, I got my act together and landed a professional full time job in the field that I majored in and spent so many years in college studying for.

 

This is my 3rd year working full time, and I do enjoy it, but it's funny when people say "X isn't going to fulfill you or make your life great."

 

After I started working full time, I had to devote most of my energy there. Now instead of sleeping 8-9 hours a night (when I was working part time), I'm getting 5-6 hours a night (though I admit part of it is just my lazy and bad habit of being on the internet a good 30-60 minutes after I'm ready to hit the sack... I need to stop this) and life in general is more stress-inducing because full time work.

 

I also, for the moment anyhow, fell out of the church scene. Slowly, but surely. Also came with my propensity to just want to veg out after a long day or work week. Also, since I hit 30 (or thereabouts), I've just become a lot more private. I stopped writing FB updates for example, and slowly but surely my acquaintances faded away more and more.

 

Before I know it, I'm 31, and my life is basically work and veg out at home. At first I thought it was a phase I am going through, but now it's been more than just a "handful of months." This has been going on for the past year and some months. I stopped going to church, and my social circle is currently super tiny. What the hell happened? I've just become a major homebody. Not that I was ever SUPER out going, but I definitely used to be more adventurous. Now a quiet night in is more appealing to me than most things.

 

I'm also at the age where a lot of people I know have gotten married and already have started families. I am still single, and I honestly feel "behind" my peers. Maybe part of the reason why I'm shutting out others is due to my insecurity that at 31, I'm not where I want to be in life, or that I'm behind my peers in terms of they own a house, or they are married, or they have kids.

 

I guess my issue is, I am still, in many ways, still stuck in that 24-year-old mindset where I haven't "evolved" like I should. That, combined with the 60-year-old mindset of just liking quiet nights in has created quite the crazy combination.

 

My brother at 33 just got married and will likely have a kid next year. He sometimes gives me a hard time about "stepping up my game." I also have other family members who are now hitting their mid 20s, and I'm kind of worried that soon they will pass me too. In terms of getting married, having a family, buying their own house, etc.

 

Heck, one is 27 and she just got married and is about to buy her own house with her husband.

 

When you're 25, it's so easy to say "Ah, I got time to figure it out."

 

When you're 31, and kinda stagnant a bit, it can be a tough time. Yes, I'm glad I got my career thing squared down, but it's like I traded one issue for another... when I had no career job, I had friends, a social life and a spiritual life. Then when I got a career job, I now have few true friends, not much of a social life and my spiritual life definitely has seen better days.

 

Sometimes I wonder, seriously and honestly, if I am headed down that path of being 40, still single and just looked over. Will family members go "Oh Tek... that's just Tek?"

 

Sigh. Hey, if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. I'm not sure if I'll be ready to apply it. But I'm definitely listening.

 

I have felt "OK" about my lifestyle for a while now. But tonight, for whatever reason, something about it ain't quite sitting right with me. My brother gave me some tough love about "getting more out of life" and I guess that's just been rattling around in my mind. I do have passions, but I'm a very simple guy, and right now, I enjoy working and then crashing at home.

 

Thanks for reading.

Can anyone relate?

Or does anyone have some wisdom to drop? Maybe someone who's been down this road before? I'd love to hear from you.

[Radu]

Hey Loveshack,

Wanted to create a place where I (or hopefully we) can rant, discuss and share one another's burdens. Feel free to post too even if you're not 30, but this is moreso geared toward people specifically in their 30s.

 

So here are some of my hang-ups. First of all I am 31. I got my first full time job at age 28, so I'm a bit of a late bloomer. Truth is though, from 24-27 I was scared to move on to the next phase of my life. After graduation I decided to take it easy and work part time. During that time I became a diehard Christian. I met a lot of friends and went to church (events) 2, even 3x a week. I even flew to Africa for a 2 week mission trip, and I even, for a short season, led a young adult Bible group. I really got into the church scene hardcore.

32 here.

I dropped out of college at 23 in my final yr [5yr degree] with 5-6 exams left.

Part it was that i didn't know what would happen, part it was that i didn't see any future in my field.

I woke up at 28 or so, with a lousy job, lousy relationships, and a go-nowhere life.

I tried to start a business, eventually i went to college and even went back to my original college to finish.

This is my final yr before i get my engineering degree, and i'm half-way done on my law degree [it's a 4yr degree here and you can do it without a previous BS].

Not married, not dating ... haven't for close to 4yrs now.

My life is pretty much what you described yours to be and i prefer to veg in the house in the few hs and ocasional day i have free.

 

It was also my social circle.

 

And I loved it. For a time, at least. During my 25-27 period, my brother constantly picked on me for not having a full time job.

 

Eventually, I got my act together and landed a professional full time job in the field that I majored in and spent so many years in college studying for.

 

This is my 3rd year working full time, and I do enjoy it, but it's funny when people say "X isn't going to fulfill you or make your life great."

 

After I started working full time, I had to devote most of my energy there. Now instead of sleeping 8-9 hours a night (when I was working part time), I'm getting 5-6 hours a night (though I admit part of it is just my lazy and bad habit of being on the internet a good 30-60 minutes after I'm ready to hit the sack... I need to stop this) and life in general is more stress-inducing because full time work.

 

I also, for the moment anyhow, fell out of the church scene. Slowly, but surely. Also came with my propensity to just want to veg out after a long day or work week. Also, since I hit 30 (or thereabouts), I've just become a lot more private. I stopped writing FB updates for example, and slowly but surely my acquaintances faded away more and more.

 

Before I know it, I'm 31, and my life is basically work and veg out at home. At first I thought it was a phase I am going through, but now it's been more than just a "handful of months." This has been going on for the past year and some months. I stopped going to church, and my social circle is currently super tiny. What the hell happened? I've just become a major homebody. Not that I was ever SUPER out going, but I definitely used to be more adventurous. Now a quiet night in is more appealing to me than most things.

It's admirable that you got your life together, but for who did you do that ?

For yourself, or for your brother ?

It should be for yourself, since you do need to support yourself.

 

You should not do things to make other ppl happy [outside of this].

They will not have to live with the decisions and if you bring it up to them that they influenced it, they will derogate all responsability on you.

It's a catch 22, either way you are screwed.

 

I'm also at the age where a lot of people I know have gotten married and already have started families. I am still single, and I honestly feel "behind" my peers. Maybe part of the reason why I'm shutting out others is due to my insecurity that at 31, I'm not where I want to be in life, or that I'm behind my peers in terms of they own a house, or they are married, or they have kids.

You are also 31, not married, not chained by both debt and fat nagging wife.

There are ppl out there who envy your situation.

 

I guess my issue is, I am still, in many ways, still stuck in that 24-year-old mindset where I haven't "evolved" like I should. That, combined with the 60-year-old mindset of just liking quiet nights in has created quite the crazy combination.

Who are you evolving for ?

You should be evolving for you.

As for the rest ... you are describing an introvert.

Some ppl are strongly introverted.

 

They don't need constant human contact to relax, they relax better alone.

 

My brother at 33 just got married and will likely have a kid next year. He sometimes gives me a hard time about "stepping up my game." I also have other family members who are now hitting their mid 20s, and I'm kind of worried that soon they will pass me too. In terms of getting married, having a family, buying their own house, etc.

Your brother sounds like the buyer who knows he's getting screwed so he desperately tries to convince his friends/family what an awesome deal it is.

More ppl to share the misery, and to validate his choice.

 

Heck, one is 27 and she just got married and is about to buy her own house with her husband.

She ... key word here.

Women tend to have a smaller window of opportunity for kids.

Men have a bigger one.

 

Her husband is probably older than her.

 

When you're 25, it's so easy to say "Ah, I got time to figure it out."

 

When you're 31, and kinda stagnant a bit, it can be a tough time. Yes, I'm glad I got my career thing squared down, but it's like I traded one issue for another... when I had no career job, I had friends, a social life and a spiritual life. Then when I got a career job, I now have few true friends, not much of a social life and my spiritual life definitely has seen better days.

 

Sometimes I wonder, seriously and honestly, if I am headed down that path of being 40, still single and just looked over. Will family members go "Oh Tek... that's just Tek?"

Cut down on your hs, and find a gf or some more friends.

Pick up a hobby.

And be happy you don't live in a gilded cage named Mortgage, Debt, Bills and She needs to have this thingamajig.

 

Sigh. Hey, if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. I'm not sure if I'll be ready to apply it. But I'm definitely listening.

 

I have felt "OK" about my lifestyle for a while now. But tonight, for whatever reason, something about it ain't quite sitting right with me. My brother gave me some tough love about "getting more out of life" and I guess that's just been rattling around in my mind. I do have passions, but I'm a very simple guy, and right now, I enjoy working and then crashing at home.

 

Thanks for reading.

Can anyone relate?

Or does anyone have some wisdom to drop? Maybe someone who's been down this road before? I'd love to hear from you.

Yeah, get a hobby and tell your brother to go f*** himself with a rusty bayonet.

[Els]

Hey Teknoe,

 

I hope you don't take this as 'nagging', but almost a year ago, you said that you had definitive plans for moving out of your parents' place 'soon'. You were looking for apartments to rent and roommates - what happened to that? IMO that really needs to be your first step. You will not believe the mindset change you will have once you start living independently from your parents. It's night and day.

 

Secondly, I think most people who work full-time don't have much time for anything except the basics on weekdays. Get home from work, work out a bit, get dinner ready, eat, spend a bit of time with partner/family, unwind, sleep. VERY few people I know have exciting social lives on weekdays while having a full-time job. So the question is, what do you do on weekends?

 

That being said life is a journey, not a sprint. Milestones are really put there by society and are not always necessary to follow. Some people don't even want kids, or to own a house. Do whatever makes YOU happy, don't follow some arbitrary set of rules.

[ponchsox]

I'm 38 and feel the same way! I'm scared to death that I'm going to be single the rest of my life. All the nice, beautiful young women without issues are taken. I'm not settling for a jaded divorcee with kids or crazy women. I'd rather just masturbate and enjoy my life alone.

[Teknoe]

Radu, heh. Yeah, I think my bro sees my more leisurely lifestyle, and he's pissed that I'm not on the same path as he is. He and his wife have been trying to get me a girlfriend... I guess they really want to see me take the "normal path" in life.

 

And it's not that I don't want to... it's just no one has captured my fancy where the feeling is mutual. I don't want to settle.

 

He means well though.

 

 

Hey Teknoe,

 

I hope you don't take this as 'nagging', but almost a year ago, you said that you had definitive plans for moving out of your parents' place 'soon'. You were looking for apartments to rent and roommates - what happened to that? IMO that really needs to be your first step. You will not believe the mindset change you will have once you start living independently from your parents. It's night and day.

 

Secondly, I think most people who work full-time don't have much time for anything except the basics on weekdays. Get home from work, work out a bit, get dinner ready, eat, spend a bit of time with partner/family, unwind, sleep. VERY few people I know have exciting social lives on weekdays while having a full-time job. So the question is, what do you do on weekends?

 

That being said life is a journey, not a sprint. Milestones are really put there by society and are not always necessary to follow. Some people don't even want kids, or to own a house. Do whatever makes YOU happy, don't follow some arbitrary set of rules.

 

Els,

Good point.

 

To answer your question, I am still staying at home for the moment being.

 

The wait lists -- the cheapest apartments where it would be about $1000 a month split with a friend for a tiny 2 bedroom apartment (where I live it's EXPENSIVE) -- have not gotten back to me yet. Which means no one has dropped out, and I'm not about to spend $1500 a month. So, no calls, I remain at home.

 

My bi-weekly salary I rake in just about 1,000. I'm trying to save up to buy and own a condo. I know the experience of living with a roommate would be helpful, but if I go that route, honestly, I'm just throwing money down the drain. You might say experience is worth it, but I rather save up to own.

 

It's not an ideal position, of course, but it is what it is. I've made peace with it. It might be another reason why I've become a lot more private/introverted. It is embarrassing to say that you live at home when you're 31. When you're 26 it's embarrassing but at least somewhat understandable and common. At 31 there is a major "loser" stigma attached to it.

 

I suppose moving out would be me "going to the next level," but again, speaking of sprint vs. marathon and society vs. doing what's best for you... I dunno. The argument can be made both ways for saving $$ vs. living on your own (or with a roomie).

 

With work as crazy as it is, this is not something I'll be able to address until summer when I have time off. Maybe I'll revisit this then.

 

And finally, on the weekends I tend to stay home, grade papers, do prep for the following week, watch a movie, watch some sports, play through my gaming collection 1 game at a time, and work on my hobbyist website (no revenue from this, strictly for fun). I only leave the house to run errands or buy food to eat. Once in a while, a friend and I will meet up for coffee or a restaurant to catch up, but lately that's been pretty dry.

 

I do hang out with my bro and his wife quite a bit. They have sort of become my social circle... but not really. It's not like I call them up to share things or vice versa. My brother just comes over a lot to eat home cooking, and then the 3 of us end up playing a board game or watching a movie. They don't really stretch my social skills in the sense where we're walking together on some sort of life journey.

[Million.to.1]

You've got to move out. All your social and GF problems stem from the fact you live with your parents.

I moved out of home really young and moved back in with my folks for 2 years in my early 30's. My social life took a dive in every way.

 

Trust me, paying rent is a way better option. You shoukld be paying your parents some rent/board anyway if you are 30 and working full time.

 

Have you ever not lived at home?

 

Have you not thought about your parents and that maybe they want their space back after their family has grown up?

[Teknoe]

You've got to move out. All your social and GF problems stem from the fact you live with your parents.

I moved out of home really young and moved back in with my folks for 2 years in my early 30's. My social life took a dive in every way.

 

Trust me, paying rent is a way better option. You shoukld be paying your parents some rent/board anyway if you are 30 and working full time.

 

Have you ever not lived at home?

 

Have you not thought about your parents and that maybe they want their space back after their family has grown up?

 

1. I pay a small fee per month. It's something my parents are happy with.

 

2. I have lived outside of home before. 4 guys in a house. I was there for about a year before people's situations changed, forcing me to move back home. I've been home ever since that.

 

3. My parents like having me home. They think it's a good idea too to be putting the money back into the family rather than to a landlord. They know my financial situation and are supportive and understanding.

 

If I made even 45K a year, I would be living on my own.

 

I make drastically less than that, especially after taxes.

 

I am thinking of applying elsewhere next summer though, and that job would give me 20K more a year. And it would allow me a lot more flexibility.

[Els]

Els,

Good point.

 

To answer your question, I am still staying at home for the moment being.

 

The wait lists -- the cheapest apartments where it would be about $1000 a month split with a friend for a tiny 2 bedroom apartment (where I live it's EXPENSIVE) -- have not gotten back to me yet. Which means no one has dropped out, and I'm not about to spend $1500 a month. So, no calls, I remain at home.

 

My bi-weekly salary I rake in just about 1,000. I'm trying to save up to buy and own a condo. I know the experience of living with a roommate would be helpful, but if I go that route, honestly, I'm just throwing money down the drain. You might say experience is worth it, but I rather save up to own.

 

What do your colleagues do, then? If nobody can get accommodation for <$1500 a month anywhere in that vicinity then where do they live?

 

If you do choose to go directly to owning, be very careful with that. If you've never experienced living independently before with all the things that come with it (assessing the value of properties and areas, negotiating with real estate agents, dealing with insurance, basic maintenance, arranging to pay bills, etc), buying a home right off the bat would be like going from a sedentary lifestyle to running a marathon immediately.

 

Have you progressed to paying some of the household bills and cooking/cleaning/laundry etc for yourself? Re: the journey/sprint, I did not necessarily mean it quite in that manner. I just meant that you should not compare yourself with other people. However I think it is necessary to compare yourself to who you were yesterday, or last month, or last year. It should be a journey forwards.

 

And finally, on the weekends I tend to stay home, grade papers, do prep for the following week, watch a movie, watch some sports, play through my gaming collection 1 game at a time, and work on my hobbyist website (no revenue from this, strictly for fun). I only leave the house to run errands or buy food to eat. Once in a while, a friend and I will meet up for coffee or a restaurant to catch up, but lately that's been pretty dry.

 

I do hang out with my bro and his wife quite a bit. They have sort of become my social circle... but not really. It's not like I call them up to share things or vice versa. My brother just comes over a lot to eat home cooking, and then the 3 of us end up playing a board game or watching a movie. They don't really stretch my social skills in the sense where we're walking together on some sort of life journey.

 

Could you make an effort to meet people other than your brother and his wife on weekends?

[Teknoe]

BTW Million,

why did you move back home for 2 years in your early 30s? why did your social life take a dive? do you think it was simply because you lived with your folks at 31 or whatever, or was it a residual effect where in general your whole "game" was down and thus, your social life took a dive?

[Teknoe]

What do your colleagues do, then? If nobody can get accommodation for <$1500 a month anywhere in that vicinity then where do they live?

 

They're mostly married and their husbands are the bread winners.

 

One is not married but lives in a ghetto part of town.

 

Another one lives at home, and she is 28.

 

Have you progressed to paying some of the household bills and cooking/cleaning/laundry etc for yourself? Re: the journey/sprint, I did not necessarily mean it quite in that manner. I just meant that you should not compare yourself with other people. However I think it is necessary to compare yourself to who you were yesterday, or last month, or last year. It should be a journey forwards.

 

Gotcha. I do my own laundry and I pay my personal bills plus a small monthly fee to my parents. I have not progressed to cooking full time for myself yet though. I buy food and make some basic stuff, but my mom makes dinner for me and my dad. That's something I'd like to change going forward. I'd like to cook for them at least.

 

Could you make an effort to meet people other than your brother and his wife on weekends?

 

Yes. I could. And I kind of have. Recently went on a small handful of dates.

 

But perhaps right now I should look into developing more friendships. I'm not sure I'm at a stage where I'm healthy to date yet, anyway. Perhaps I should move out first before worrying about trying to get a girlfriend. I would like to have a social circle again, but honestly, the thought of it scares me a bit. At 31, it's hard to make new friends, and I have fairly niche interests. But I can try meet up groups. I've never done one. I did do speed dating once, but nothing came out of that.

 

Well Els, and Million, I have to say you two are making me think. I just emailed my cousin who is 26 and living at home, if he would consider looking for a place along with me and my childhood best friend. Together, the 3 of us could find a place and experience living on our own again... together. My cousin has met my best friend before, and I think the 3 of us could get along greatly. Sending him an email now.

 

Hey, it's a start in the right direction, right?

Create some dialogue, taking some initiative.

[Els]

 

Well Els, and Million, I have to say you two are making me think. I just emailed my cousin who is 26 and living at home, if he would consider looking for a place along with me and my childhood best friend. Together, the 3 of us could find a place and experience living on our own again... together. My cousin has met my best friend before, and I think the 3 of us could get along greatly. Sending him an email now.

 

Hey, it's a start in the right direction, right?

Create some dialogue, taking some initiative.

 

Good job! Hope things work out.

[Million.to.1]

BTW Million,

why did you move back home for 2 years in your early 30s? why did your social life take a dive? do you think it was simply because you lived with your folks at 31 or whatever, or was it a residual effect where in general your whole "game" was down and thus, your social life took a dive?

 

I moved back in with my folks after moving back home from another country that I was living in. It was after a small health scare which made me reevaluate some priorities.

 

Social life took a dive because...

 

They lived a bit further away from town/my friends.

I didn't really have friends over because it wasn't my place.

Bringing a boyfriend or a date back was out of the question, (not because i wasn't allowed but cause it would be weird)

I got complacent and just didn't "feel" like making the effort. When you are living with people your age, you just tend to do more stuff because it's going on around you...

basically, I just couldn't be bothered half the time. It was uninspiring being around older people who are slowing down their lives. I slipped into a slower paced life.

[Radu]

Radu, heh. Yeah, I think my bro sees my more leisurely lifestyle, and he's pissed that I'm not on the same path as he is. He and his wife have been trying to get me a girlfriend... I guess they really want to see me take the "normal path" in life.

 

And it's not that I don't want to... it's just no one has captured my fancy where the feeling is mutual. I don't want to settle.

 

He means well though.

Are you sure it's him and not her ?

 

Some women see themselves as relationship experts and become buttinski's with other ppl's lives.

 

Els,

Good point.

 

To answer your question, I am still staying at home for the moment being.

 

The wait lists -- the cheapest apartments where it would be about $1000 a month split with a friend for a tiny 2 bedroom apartment (where I live it's EXPENSIVE) -- have not gotten back to me yet. Which means no one has dropped out, and I'm not about to spend $1500 a month. So, no calls, I remain at home.

 

My bi-weekly salary I rake in just about 1,000. I'm trying to save up to buy and own a condo. I know the experience of living with a roommate would be helpful, but if I go that route, honestly, I'm just throwing money down the drain. You might say experience is worth it, but I rather save up to own.

I don't know how much a condo is and how much you would have to pay / month, but 2k / month doesn't sound like much for doing that in the US.

It almost sounds like you don't have a safety net in case you are SOL and lose your job.

Plan this well.

 

It's not an ideal position, of course, but it is what it is. I've made peace with it. It might be another reason why I've become a lot more private/introverted. It is embarrassing to say that you live at home when you're 31. When you're 26 it's embarrassing but at least somewhat understandable and common. At 31 there is a major "loser" stigma attached to it.

You have to avoid this 'embarassment' and this seclusion.

Get a hobby ... ideally one that can complement and boost your career.

 

I suppose moving out would be me "going to the next level," but again, speaking of sprint vs. marathon and society vs. doing what's best for you... I dunno. The argument can be made both ways for saving $$ vs. living on your own (or with a roomie).

 

With work as crazy as it is, this is not something I'll be able to address until summer when I have time off. Maybe I'll revisit this then.

 

And finally, on the weekends I tend to stay home, grade papers, do prep for the following week, watch a movie, watch some sports, play through my gaming collection 1 game at a time, and work on my hobbyist website (no revenue from this, strictly for fun). I only leave the house to run errands or buy food to eat. Once in a while, a friend and I will meet up for coffee or a restaurant to catch up, but lately that's been pretty dry.

 

I do hang out with my bro and his wife quite a bit. They have sort of become my social circle... but not really. It's not like I call them up to share things or vice versa. My brother just comes over a lot to eat home cooking, and then the 3 of us end up playing a board game or watching a movie. They don't really stretch my social skills in the sense where we're walking together on some sort of life journey.

Do something else, find a new hobby ... because they will continue down this path.

[Teknoe]

Update:

 

My cousin who dropped out of college and is jobless living at home at 26 responded to my email proposal of getting a place with me and my childhood best friend. He had this to say:

 

Hey Tek,

That does sound like a good idea. But right now I'm house sitting. Someone has to keep an eye on grandma at the retirement home. My parents can't do it because they work. So I do it. If she feels better, then maybe.

 

-----

 

Well, today his grandma passed away. Rest In Peace. I texted and called him to offer up my condolences. I also let him know I'm here if he ever wants to talk.

 

While it's sad that his grandma, whom he was close to, has passed away, I think this may provide him with the kick in the butt he needs to start his real life. I hope he gets his act together and uses this as inspiration to make his grandma proud.

 

And selfishly, I'm hoping he'll get back to me soon and say "OK, I'm ready. Let's find a place together."

[Darren2013]

You are your own person. I just hope you are not planning to marry only because all your friends are doing it. They are their own person. Each of us has to find our own path that makes us happy.

 

I really don't think about the future that much anymore as far as where I will be at age 50 or 60. I don't worry about being a lonely old guy mostly because right now I'm dealing with a cancer diagnosis that has a good chance of cutting my lifespan short. So my priorities have changed on some things. There's a good chance I am headed for a very early retirement. I don't worry anymore because there's a greater likelihood I'm going to go before my parents do. My worry has shifted more to who will take care of my folks when they get old if I'm not around by that time.

 

So unless/until some update comes out for a cure for my condition I have suspended concerns about the future.

Edited December 6, 2014 by Darren2013

[Els]

Update:

 

My cousin who dropped out of college and is jobless living at home at 26 responded to my email proposal of getting a place with me and my childhood best friend. He had this to say:

 

Hey Tek,

That does sound like a good idea. But right now I'm house sitting. Someone has to keep an eye on grandma at the retirement home. My parents can't do it because they work. So I do it. If she feels better, then maybe.

 

-----

 

Well, today his grandma passed away. Rest In Peace. I texted and called him to offer up my condolences. I also let him know I'm here if he ever wants to talk.

 

While it's sad that his grandma, whom he was close to, has passed away, I think this may provide him with the kick in the butt he needs to start his real life. I hope he gets his act together and uses this as inspiration to make his grandma proud.

 

And selfishly, I'm hoping he'll get back to me soon and say "OK, I'm ready. Let's find a place together."

 

Uh, Tek, I hate to rag on you because I think it's a good thing you're showing initiative, but... if your cousin is jobless how will he be able to afford to share rent with you any time in the near future?

[Teknoe]

Uh, Tek, I hate to rag on you because I think it's a good thing you're showing initiative, but... if your cousin is jobless how will he be able to afford to share rent with you any time in the near future?

 

It is a natural concern. I visited him today to talk briefly in person, and yes, we addressed the elephant in the room i.e. him not having a job.

 

There are two ways:

 

1. He gets a day job at Target or some other place. Obviously, it won't cover rent most likely (though I did manage to find a 3 bedroom apartment for just $2100... pretty damn cheap for CA standards). His dad would spot him the rest.

 

2. His dad pays everything

 

Granted, 2 isn't ideal, but he did drop out of college. The money the dad has been spending on college can theoretically be allocated to rent money. Again, not ideal, but he is 26 and maybe living away from his parents will help him mature and develop somehow.

 

Again, not ideal... he quit college earlier this year after struggling in it for 7 years. Changed majors and took God knows what classes... but he never came close to graduating and now he's "taking a year off." A year off is probably talk for dropping out.

 

I do think him and the 3 of us living together, even if it's only for 6 months, would help each of us grow in our own unique way. Anyway, I'm just offering/suggesting. It's his choice to make.

[Els]

There are two ways:

 

1. He gets a day job at Target or some other place. Obviously, it won't cover rent most likely (though I did manage to find a 3 bedroom apartment for just $2100... pretty damn cheap for CA standards). His dad would spot him the rest.

 

2. His dad pays everything

 

Both these options depend on his dad being willing to fork out the money and continue to do so (which I don't think his dad should given the circumstances, but anyway...). What will you do if he ends up unable to pay the rent? He's your cousin, which will really complicate matters. Will you kick him out, or pay the whole thing yourself?

 

Is there a good reason you are against living with fellow professionals that you could find via 'roommates wanted' ads? I get that it can be risky as you can get crap roommates, but you can visit and vet them before making a decision, and at any rate it is much less risky than rooming in with an unemployed guy with no savings who is also your relative, IMO.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Just find people looking for a roommate on Craigslist!! I think you really need to move out of your parents' right away, there is not inherently something wrong with living with your parents in your 30's but you seem pretty stuck and getting unstuck will help you launch your life!!

[Million.to.1]

You want to join an already established flat. With other single professionals your age.

[TigerLilly78]

At 37 here my advice is kinda simple life really isn't a race and there is no grand destination we all have to arrive at by a cirtin time frame. Enjoy the journey as much as you can thats what really matters in the end. Ive seen and done things traveled and so on that my much more "settled" (on paper) brothers are jealous of.

 

Sure they have houses and wives and kids but ive lived my life the way ive wanted to and you know what looking back im happy for it..I know they mean well but don't let anyone dictate to you "how your life" has to go..do your own thing if for now you want to work and veg then do it when the time comes and you want are ready for more that will change..