blackcat777 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) I'm 3 months post BU now, still 100% NC since the breakup, and haven't heard a peep from the ex. Something shifted in my thoughts about two weeks ago, and I wanted to block the ex EVERYWHERE. The silence was killing me, and I deserve nothing less than a face to face conversation, if we are ever to speak again. I wanted to take back all my power. I blocked his phone number... made a valiant effort to set his emails up to automatically bounce with an NDR. (Not that he called or emailed.) In setting up my email stuff, I went and deleted the folder of emails he sent me that I had previously just moved out of sight. Before, when I looked at all the emails he sent me... same with the love letters he wrote... the jewelry he made me... I cried and cried and cried. I kept asking myself, why? How? How could someone so in love just turn and walk without warning, without looking back? It drove me nuts. I didn't intend to see the emails when I set up my blocks, but I saw the list of subject headers when setting up my filters. This time, however, my first reaction was, "Ha, what a crock." You know, the emails entitled, "I love you with all of my heart," "the power of love overcomes all," "you are the one." What. a. crock! It's the simplest explanation. He never did love me. It was all a charade. He used me for a place to stay. Sex and phenomenal home cooking were a definite bonus (and I'm a totally cool person to be around ). Ex lived between divorced parents, had yet to move out on his own, never felt safe at either house, slept away from home whenever possible, kept his whole life in his car. I hadn't considered he would SAY or DO *ANYTHING* to have a nice place to stay until he was ready to leave for school. I thought I was being smart about everything. I was so wary at the beginning of the relationship, being older (and more importantly, there was a life experience gap)... so my plan of action was to judge him by his actions. HE always talked about living together (I cautioned him to slow down, said we'll talk about it if we're together when he was done with school). I pulled the brakes early on when I felt myself really falling for him, and he wanted to push ahead. He hinted a few times at marriage. I took this all with a grain (a kilo?) of salt, but he came on so strong and so hard that I began to think, well, he's at least serious about really giving this a shot, and I eventually did the emotional equivalent of lying down naked in the middle of a busy highway. HE always called. HE always showed up. He always planned things, bought tickets, went above and beyond to make little crafty things to show me he always thought of me. He sent millions of emails. He was totally dramatic about declaring his love during sex. So, anyway, because I judged him by his actions, I just... never... thought... that he would use me, or that he only intended to use me the entire time. And he is BRILLIANT, scary brilliant. No matter what I did in the situation, there was really no way I could have known this was coming; I know now that he would have done it to anyone. He is so smooth, dangerously charismatic. Computer genius. I have seen him lie to others. His relationship with both parents is bad. His mom treats him horribly. I overheard a phone call one day where he completely kissed her ass, hung up the phone, rolled his eyes, and said to me, "That's what I have to say to get her to pay for my school." I saw this propensity in him to lie, but I always witnessed it within the context of having to deal with people who would abuse him in some way otherwise. I noted that his brain made connections like emotional manipulation -> personal gain... but I was way too ripped on oxytocin to think he'd do it to me. He was also extremely eloquent and adept at getting companies to either send him tons of free stuff, or to send him money for his fake complaints. He had a penchant for scamming. His packing for college a few days before he left meant leaving behind everything I bought for him, made him, or reminded him of us. He didn't leave me for someone else. I don't even think he left me, necessarily, for something like GIGS. I think he planned to pull the trigger from the beginning, and DID or SAID whatever he had to ensure I was COMPLETELY hooked so it wouldn't threaten his safe place to crash. I don't think he ever loved me. He loved to say, "Mine" (as in I was his). "I love the way you give yourself to me completely." "Soulmate." He didn't just run with the passion of the moment. This was calculated. He KNEW he had me. He KNEW it. He encouraged it. I know he planned to do it three days before leaving for school because of the weird way he packed (and he started acting weird during sex after that). Despite that, once he was moved in, he invited me down to see him, and PARADED ME AROUND TO ALL HIS FRIENDS LIKE A FREKAING SHOW PONY. "Oh, this is my girlfriend! Look at her cool tattoos!" He wore the clothing I bought him. He accepted endless physical affection from me during our alone time. And, I'm saying it because it upsets me the most about that day, he went down on me. He did that knowing full well he already planned to break up with me. I feel really violated because that is such an extremely personal, trust-associated thing. Oh, and he begged me to stay longer when I had to go. ^^THAT was the last day I ever saw him or heard from him, save the breakup four days later. Manipulation is definitely the only emotional currency he understands. It's the only thing that makes perfect sense. It explains why he's not coming back. I also always sensed he was a chameleon. How much of my ex was really truly him and how much was him mirroring me, I will always question. I don't like cigars, personally, but I'd never pass judgment on others for doing what they want to do. I knew he smoked them. I'd see them in his car (I never called him out). He always swore up and down he never smoked them. Same with drinking. He "hated" it, but got ****faced with friends. I never cared (as long as no one endangered their lives), but he always felt the need to present this "clean" exterior to me. Pretty sure there was a night his best friend was jacked on coke and he lied to me about it. I have no proof. I'm also not stupid. I always wondered what else my ex did when we weren't together... primarily due to his lack of transparency that came from his own fear of being judged. He likes to appear a certain way to certain people and shifts it to fit the mood. I was talking with a coworker tonight who told me when he was young, he was a huge player, and when he needed a place to stay, he did and said WHATEVER he thought would make a woman feel a certain way to ensure he'd have a place to stay when life was rough. He called it "the whole song and dance." Yep. I was used. I'm doing better than I was, and I know I couldn't have handled the situation any better than I did, but I still have these moments of feeling so incredibly ashamed and humiliated. I don't even want to speak to anyone about it. I feel so stupid that it happened, that I fell for it. I was never played, not once in my whole life... until now. *Possible TMI alert* He was also intrigued by sexual domination. There are sane advocates of BDSM that preach safety first, communication, responsible practice; I was never into anything extreme but always thought a little bit of light tie-up or blindfolding could be hot. We always discussed what we did before and after. Everything was consensual. But in the light of how he took from me and then walked in cold blood, it puts another spin on, "I love the way you give yourself to me completely." He said that ALL the time. It squicks me out and makes me wonder what was really going through his head. Like WTF. For me, it was some of the most fulfilling sex of my life. But part of that "fantasy" was that I had someone who was strong (experienced through the sense of overpowering me) and capable of protecting me... someone who loved me so deeply... What else was I supposed to think when we were an hour into it, he was holding me close, staring into my eyes, telling me were soulmates and all kinds of other cheesy garbage like, "become one with me"... This guy seriously went ALL OUT and the joke was on me. Whew. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read that and hopefully it didn't freak anyone out. Edited November 30, 2014 by blackcat777 2
Chin Up Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now. Just blew a major gasket in a thread of my own. I'm finally seeing the entire relationship was a house of cards and it just came crashing down. I was so hooked on his words, I never looked at his actions, or lack thereof. It's like he's a slot machine. I kept putting in and putting in, waiting for some kind of pay out. A couple coins would tinkle out and I'd think, woohoo! In the end, it was always just a couple coins and there was no jackpot to be won. I totally over invested in that guy. Not sure how your realizations are making you feel. Good I hope. I'm mad..wicked mad. I could probably bite through a crowbar right now, but I also feel liberated and empowered because I could now care less if I ever hear from him again. Honestly, I hope I don't...and that feels good. I know what you mean about feeling played. I too had never experienced a "player" and I hope I never do again. It's a game I'm not all that familiar with and it wasn't very fun. Man, he sure did have me fooled. 3
andilyn1 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I can so relate to both of you. I won't go into all the details, but I was used, I was played majorly. I feel so stupid, and so ashamed now. I love the analogy Chin Up used of the slot machine. That completely sums up how I felt with my ex too. I don't know how these people can live with themselves. How can you use someone, play with their emotions and feelings, and not feel guilty?
Author blackcat777 Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 I think it's important to be compassionate with yourself if it happens to you, and not to beat yourself up. The coins were pouring out of my slot machine... I just never stopped to examine them closely enough to realize they read, "no cash value." It's good to learn from whatever warning signs that you can. My ex was so cunning and he laid it on so thick, there was never anything he did (or neglected to do) to ME that would have tipped me off. I should have definitely paid attention to his lack of transparency in other matters, however trivial or unrelated to me. He lied to his friends constantly. Our relationship seemed so perfect. All those happy times... they were happy because I was in a good place and put my own good energy into it. I guess he got lucky because I never nagged, always gave him his space, never grilled him or spied on him. I will never know what he was thinking, those nights we spent together camping, huddled up in the same sleeping bag, while he told me he loved me and I was so happy. I know I can't and won't let it ruin me in the sense that I'll never open up or trust someone. I also know he'll be VERY hard pressed to find someone who will be as good to him. At least I am free to find someone who will be as good to me. The saddest part was that this was the first relationship I seriously contemplated growing into the future. I thought I finally found someone who was so right for me. That was the hardest part about accepting it was all a lie. 2
Chin Up Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I also know he'll be VERY hard pressed to find someone who will be as good to him. At least I am free to find someone who will be as good to me. The saddest part was that this was the first relationship I seriously contemplated growing into the future. I thought I finally found someone who was so right for me. That was the hardest part about accepting it was all a lie. My current thoughts, too. This morning I was so angry when the reality of it all sank in. Seeing him now for who he really is, how the relationship REALLY was vs. how I THOUGHT it was. I was furious at it all but also found it so ridiculous that I would burst out laughing about it. Tonight however, I'm hurtin'. After the initial feelings wore off, I'm now left hopeless and resigned. I'm sad. Not for him, but for myself. So many hopes and dreams. So much effort. I gave him the best of me and all I had to offer. What's got me sad is that I don't think he even realizes how good he had it. He was so blase about the b/u. The way he said "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore" ..it was so flippant..like "be right back, going to the washroom" kind of thing. I haven't heard a peep from mine either. Well, I shot off a few texts in the beginning and he would politely reply. I sent another a few days ago after 2 weeks nc and that was met by the sound of crickets. Ironically, I think "haha, good luck finding such an amazing gal, like myself (naturally ), that will put up with all your BS for more than a couple months, ya bum!" and then I end up asking myself why *I* did. Going to be chewing on that fat for a while. I think it's important to be compassionate with yourself if it happens to you, and not to beat yourself up. Trying! lol. 1
Invictus01 Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I set my NC breaking time frame at about 6 months. I think by then I'll just to give a f@ck at all and if she decides to play games... game on... 1
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 His relationship with both parents is bad. His mom treats him horribly. I overheard a phone call one day where he completely kissed her ass, hung up the phone, rolled his eyes, and said to me, "That's what I have to say to get her to pay for my school." He is a narcissist and quite a manipulator. He is screwed up, NOTHING you did caused this and he took advantage of you, your love and care. Good riddance, don't look back.
Recommended Posts