Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I met a guy at a concert a little over one week ago. I felt fire works in terms of physical chemistry and sexual chemistry - and he said he felt the same and has backed it up with his actions ( we met again last night.....) I have learnt that sometimes, the fireworks you feel upon first glance are just physical, and you come to realise that that is all there was to it. Just physical. Just sexual chemistry and no deeper connection... We are taking things very slowly given my relationship history of rushing into multiple day per week visits.... Case in point; I WANTED to find a guy who was crazy about me so I dated me ex as he seemed to fall pretty hard for me; he fit the bill look wise and we had chemistry so yeah, I dated him. Once the physical chemistry wore off, I realised that I didn't really like him enough as a person in order to commit to him; I didn't want to be with him... Another time, I felt instant fireworks with a guy.. as in, the sort of chemistry where u want to rip each others clothes off immediately, upon first glance.... And I mistakenly thought it was more than just physical sparks! When there was no true connection that extended beyond the physical..... I have also had sexual chemistry with men who weren't that into my personality (but thought I seemed really cool initially...) How soon do two people know whether or not they have anything deeper than just the initial "spark"?????? I want to practice fully getting to know a guy, before ASSUMING something may be there beyond the sexual spark.... (yes practice as we all know that I am not just going to have a happy ending with this guy I feel intense chemistry for any time soon, most people never do and have to settle for comfort rather than passion) 1
MuddyFootprints Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Once you have three kids and a mortgage. Then, boy, do those sparks fly! 3
Molly Hooper Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I wouldn't over think it. If you spend every moment analyzing if it is real... waiting it out... you may actually sabotage something that WAS real. Just enjoy it. If the feelings are real, they will pan out. If it's a superficial, sexual thing, they will fizzle and you'll know pretty quickly. I literally met a man in a bar and delayed the flight I was about to get on by five days just because of an hour long conversation with him. Five days. Many would say that is the dumbest thing ever, but he has been the love of my life ever since. However, if I over thought it, I would have just gotten on the damn plane like an adult and moved on with my life. None of that means this guy is the one or anything - but there is no science to it. Some people claim to know right away... some people date for ten years before even getting engaged. There's no exact amount of time because every one and every couple is different. I would say to just enjoy it. You'll get to know him better and better each time you two spend time together and eventually you will know one way or another how you feel.
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 You know if you can have multiple dates - say, over a month or two - with NO SEX! This is the point where you get to actually know someone and see if there is still stuff you want to talk about or just be with each other without the physical. One week? If you "felt that chemistry" and succumbed to the physicist urges, no way to know. And - is just what I said in your other thread, Leigh. Get to know someone bridge having sex if you want a solid, established relationship. 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 You know if you can have multiple dates - say, over a month or two - with NO SEX! This is the point where you get to actually know someone and see if there is still stuff you want to talk about or just be with each other without the physical. One week? If you "felt that chemistry" and succumbed to the physicist urges, no way to know. And - is just what I said in your other thread, Leigh. Get to know someone bridge having sex if you want a solid, established relationship. I already ...yeah and I regret it.. because I wanted to get to know him first before getting physical. Should I just politely tell him that I wish to end our little getting to know one another thing ? I've clearly ruined any good chance of discovering if there is anything solid and lasting.
liove Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 i would say you have a problem with the emotional intelligence and the attachement and on a larger scale i dont think you are ready for a relationship. You should do some work with yourself first. personal development stuff... But if you can find guys with whom you feel sexual chemistry, rejoice! everything else will be built with time i almost never feel sexual chemistry with guys at the beginnig. The chemistry usually develops in time after knowing the guy better (i know i might be frigid or old school)....i think i have a problem as well but we conect very fast (i usually date high cultivated men only) and i would need some high sexual chemistry sometimes...so lucky you!
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Good chemistry is easy for me to find as I'm fairly attractive and friendly. I've just yet to find it with a guy who is into me for more than just sex. The guys who are really into me for more than just my body, are guys I feel zero chemistry towards......
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I hate to say "I Told You So," but isn't this a broken record type of message? You KNOW it would not be hard to go back into your old threads where you ask the same advice, are given the same advice (don't have sex so early! "But I'm not that type of girl!")??? Same Leigh post. Just a different date on the thread. Stop giving it up so easy!!!!! You will never know if a guy is really interested if you give them sex so soon. 7
sillyanswer Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 How soon do two people know whether or not they have anything deeper than just the initial "spark"?????? Well... how soon does it take you? You're the one who matters in this, not everyone else. For some people it takes a month, some 3 months, some 6 months... etc.
phineas Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) Good chemistry is easy for me to find as I'm fairly attractive and friendly. I've just yet to find it with a guy who is into me for more than just sex. The guys who are really into me for more than just my body, are guys I feel zero chemistry towards...... Sex already? Apparently you are REALLY friendly. Let's forget about you for a second. Let's think about the the trail of men you have left behind. Guess what, women aren't the only one's who can be heart broken over the pump & dump. How many guys have you left in the dust after giving them false hopes that they have bagged a hottie? by the way, you act like it's impossible to get to know someone because you had sex with them. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Edited November 30, 2014 by phineas
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 I hate to say "I Told You So," but isn't this a broken record type of message? You KNOW it would not be hard to go back into your old threads where you ask the same advice, are given the same advice (don't have sex so early! "But I'm not that type of girl!")??? Same Leigh post. Just a different date on the thread. Stop giving it up so easy!!!!! You will never know if a guy is really interested if you give them sex so soon. We had insane sexual chemistry. .. the first time we met we didn't do anything besides kissing.... a week later though and we had built it up a lot...the sex stuff...due to the strong sexual urges we got when we first met. We mostly talked about non sex related topics of course, but we also did talk about how badly we were wanting one as my other sexually. Well we are 3.5 hours apart and so due to the long distance we will be forced to just chat ok the phone for over a week at a time initially. Plus he has kids every second week and that rules out seeing him every week. So we do have plenty of time to talk sans sex. He said that he doesn't need sex. I am the one who asks or initiates he wasn't. He said me visiting was about getting to know him and not sex but he didn't turn it down when offered to him. We just don't know each other yet although so far we enjoy talking about things. I think I'll continue just talking via phone and see how we get along.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 The thing about sex is.... I have slept with men early and then they have ended up wanting to date me for years. I don't advocate early sex but at the same time, if you do give it up too early like I have the tendency to do , it won't drive away the men who are legitimately into you for more factors than just sex.
anne1707 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 The thing about sex is.... I have slept with men early and then they have ended up wanting to date me for years. I don't advocate early sex but at the same time, if you do give it up too early like I have the tendency to do , it won't drive away the men who are legitimately into you for more factors than just sex. Which takes us straight back to your OP where you complain of initial strong physical attraction hiding the lack of depth in the relationship outside of sex. You are contradicting yourself Leigh. 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Which takes us straight back to your OP where you complain of initial strong physical attraction hiding the lack of depth in the relationship outside of sex. You are contradicting yourself Leigh. That's why I regret early sex. I wish I had waited until me and this guy had figured out whether or not we had a connection that extend outside the bedroom. However I don't feel that early sex stops true feelings from developing. I would have preferred to wait for sex..until we knew kif we were falling in love ( or not ) It's hard when you have a great sexual chemistry with someone.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Two guys I slept with after the second and third dates ended up having genuine feelings for me. The rest.... two guys I started seeing , I fooled around early sans sex. .. and there ended up being no real depth to our feelings...... One guy we didn't have sex at all and I ruined things with him and also due to face book ering our only form of communication for months whilst he traveled. The other guys I've had were clear fwb....two of them.. we all had feelings for each other but just not strong enough. I really enjoyed these fwb as we did like each other a lot as people and also had good sexual chemistry. We were friends outside the bedroom who happened to have a good sexual connection. This stage in life I'm looking for right person and intense sexual chemistry is an essential trait I want in a partner. While I wait what will likely be a very long time for that elusive sexual passion and with a man who shares mutually deep feelings for me... I'd like to still enjoy fooling around sans sex on the odd occasion with a fwb.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 In retrospect feelings can take time to rear their head. Sexual Chemistry is instant. With my fwb from last year. .. we were developing feelings that we both agreed later on could have very well developed in good time. I actually don't know if I believe in anymore than just pure lust at first site.... Although my friend swears her and her partner fell in love after a week ?!?!? How do you even know a person until months down the track ???? I would say after a month I will start to have an idea as to whether or not me or a guy have potential to develop real feelings. .... I do believe couples can fall in love after three or so months.
Divasu Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 How about this... What's the longest amount of time you've dated someone before having sex? I'd say if your average is in the one week range, you may want to figure out why that is, exactly... 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 How about this... What's the longest amount of time you've dated someone before having sex? I'd say if your average is in the one week range, you may want to figure out why that is, exactly... It's because once I have sexual chemistry with a person who I feel comfortable with i just want to enjoy it. I hate rules on one hand they're bull crap because any deep seated emotions one feels towards another person will come to light irrespective of when and if sex occurs..... I have to have great sexual chemistry plus I need to feel really comfortable around a man AND i have to feel like there may be potential for feelings to develop. Real feelings. I have tried casual sex with no feelings involved whatsoever and i didn't derive pleasure from it and I hated it and felt disgusted after. Bottom line: I love sex with men I have great chemistry with and some degree of romantic feelings towards. My down fall is that..... it takes months to get a feel of a person..and to see if you two even enjoy conversing together and spending time together outside of the bedroom. I NEED to, next time around, do non sex related activities with my next love interest .......... Due to lack of will power when it comes to me and the men I have sexual chemistry with I will have to ensure we go out and that we simply don't go someplace where sexual stuff can occur. ... This guy is long distance and I was working nearby so i stayed with him the night. I travel for work..... he was content simply watching a dvd and getting to know me. I'm the one who decided to take things further as he was happy to just hang out albeit with a lot of kissing. We are both good kisses and our kissing styles sync incredibly .... Hmmmm.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Anyways, I'm just going to let the fling with this guy run its course. .. You never know what could happen. Although it's unlikely that I have found intense sexual chemistry with a guy who's also crazy about me and has true feel towards me. That ****s rare. After next time we spend together I should have more of an idea as to whether true feelings could develop. We are long distance and we want to take things slow since we have both rushed into relationships in the past. This is all totally new for me..... the slow pace is ideal for someone like me. Although my limit is... that you know if you're falling legitimately in love with someone after the first few dates.... I believe you can fall in love early within months. I think true love happens rapidly slow burn love is just friendship with chemistry with no true or remarkable level of passion or romantic feelings. .... The difference with my next potential romances is that I want to take things slowly... not seeing them often and that sort of thing. Plus I do know that a mere month isn't enough to be sure that you have feelings that are deeper than sex since I thought I had that with a guy last year when it turns out he didn't like me enough to date seriously. And yet as I said. ..Some couples legitimately fall in love within 3 months.
Divasu Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Anyways, I'm just going to let the fling with this guy run its course. .. You never know what could happen. Although it's unlikely that I have found intense sexual chemistry with a guy who's also crazy about me and has true feel towards me. That ****s rare. After next time we spend together I should have more of an idea as to whether true feelings could develop. We are long distance and we want to take things slow since we have both rushed into relationships in the past. This is all totally new for me..... the slow pace is ideal for someone like me. Although my limit is... that you know if you're falling legitimately in love with someone after the first few dates.... I believe you can fall in love early within months. I think true love happens rapidly slow burn love is just friendship with chemistry with no true or remarkable level of passion or romantic feelings. .... The difference with my next potential romances is that I want to take things slowly... not seeing them often and that sort of thing. Plus I do know that a mere month isn't enough to be sure that you have feelings that are deeper than sex since I thought I had that with a guy last year when it turns out he didn't like me enough to date seriously. And yet as I said. ..Some couples legitimately fall in love within 3 months. Yes, I think slow in your case, is the way to go. But, keep in mind, falling in love is quite different than loving someone. Try not to get the two confused and keep that in the forefront of your mind.
newmoon Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 i don't think you're the first, or only, human being on earth to ever experience "intense sexual chemistry" with someone and yet, many of us are able to hold off sleeping with that person we feel intense chemistry with for many dates. maybe even months. just don't give it up so easily. you're also not the only attractive, gorgeous female around, so if you do have more going for yourself than just looks you should start off by showing that side of yourself. stick to dates where you won't end up naked. what is so hard about not putting out? is it that challenging for people?? 1
ascendotum Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 The thing about sex is.... I have slept with men early and then they have ended up wanting to date me for years. I don't advocate early sex but at the same time, if you do give it up too early like I have the tendency to do , it won't drive away the men who are legitimately into you for more factors than just sex. That's right. Your style does not seem to be doing you harm so far or filling you with regrets. Its not like you are just clocking up PnD's, and you have left a few guys with some heartache in your wake. I think now that you are looking for something more serious/long term, you might need to dial back the eagerness to jump into bed with them, so you can get a better read on their intentions. At the same time you want the 'OMG amazing sexual chemistry'. lol That muddies the waters. With the latest guy, don't assume its too late to still build a good deep connection just because you have had sex, by any means. It really depends on the guy and what point in life he is at, and as you said in your other posts...how into girl the guy is. You might have to lower your standards from your fwbs though to find the guy that wants you for a LTR, though it does not seem like you have a 'type' when it comes to guys.
Molly Hooper Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 To me, it doesn't seem like the problem is having sex when you do - I don't believe in the having sex on the third, fifth, tenth date rule. I believe in doing it when it feels right - living by a rule book that someone else wrote is forcing you into doing something unnatural isn't going to help you find the best person for you. And it sounds like the best mate for you isn't someone who counts the dates until sex to decide how much they respect someone. It does, however, sound like the problem is that you can't differentiate between physical/sexual chemistry and emotional/intellectual chemistry. And because of this, yes, it may be in your best benefit to hold off on sex until you feel more of an emotional connection with the person. It's unfortunately one of those questions that doesn't have an answer. No one can tell you how much time... when you know - you'll know. If you don't know... then it's probably not there. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Hey guys... Yeah I have put this guy yet again into the " intense sexual chemistry ONLY" basket. This happened a couple of times to me... I don't think it is just me that mistakenly feels there could be a genuine connection; I do believe in this instance, the guy did feel the wow factor too ( his actions in the first week showed it, just the way he texted me and the things he said). He has proven through his actions that he doesn't care about me at this stage. He asked how I was yesterday, I told him " oh, well I found out my friends dad was killed and my ex is still trying to harass me.. so I am just getting over all of this and hoping to feel better early in the week " He went silent. So I texted again saying " ok, sorry if that was a bit intense for you, we only just met after all and I get if that made you feel uneasy". He then responded with " yeah it did made me feel uneasy". So there you go - he doesn't care or have any emotional connection with me, and it was purely sex driven. I do think he genuinely thought there could have been more to it than just the intense sexual attraction though. Oh well NEXT! ...................................................... Initially I wasn't sure where I stood - the day after, I texted him and told him that although we live far apart, I was still excited to catch up with him and see him when possible. He said " I agree !!!" We haven't officially called things off but I can tell that he doesn't care for me or have much of an emotional connection for me. The whole point of this lesson is: I need to wait until I feel comfortable to have sex. I pretty much just do it because it is "there" and for something to do. Before hand I had a very strong conviction of wanting to wait until him and I had gotten to know one another better.
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 1, 2014 Author Posted December 1, 2014 Yes, I think slow in your case, is the way to go. But, keep in mind, falling in love is quite different than loving someone. Try not to get the two confused and keep that in the forefront of your mind. I know people who fall in love and then end up loving one another (loving one another takes time!) I need to do both. I tend to have instant chemistry with men easily enough, I am a natural flirt and I look a bit "different" yet still attractive (ethnic mother) and I do find men I have chemistry with easily enough albeit not every week. I am at that age where I still get plenty of attention and options, and hence, opportunities to find the fireworks AND a lasting partner. So I have absolutely no doubt I will find the love of my life. Who I have the instant spark and wow factor with and who I also have emotional and intellectual chemistry with! This guy just wasn't it.
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