sowler Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, This is my first post here but I have been reading the forums for years because your advice is so stellar. My situation goes like this: I created an online dating account on POF in October. In mid-October, I communicated with a guy and we went on a date. I then left town for two weeks because of a conference and he was expressing how excited he was to see me again. I came back and we went on a date on November 6th. From then on, he's called and texted me daily and made an effort to see me twice a week. While all of this was happening, I deleted my POF account. Nevertheless, I have trust issues and so occasionally I would check to see if he was online but he wasn't online at all. Last weekend, we had sex (this was date 7 maybe). It kind of happened and to be honest its very out of character for me since I've been in two long term relationships and only had sex with those partners after 3-4 months. A few days later, we talked and I mentioned that I know we aren't exclusive but I want to know if he is being physical with anyone else or will plan to do so as it has an effect on my health. He said that was smart but said that he wasn't ready for emotional exclusivity which is not what I wanted anyway. The next day, I searched for his profile and saw that he'd been online. I then noticed that he's been going on line multiple times a day. This frequency really bothers me because I feel like he got what he wanted and is now looking to jump ship. At the same time, since then, I went to an event with him where there were a few of his co-workers. We've hung out twice and there has been no sex or even making out. And today he contacted me and we talked about this event in the news that we both were interested in. So, I'm not sure what to say or what to do. I went on a date with another guy but I feel like its not like I'm actively looking for someone else but he seems to be. So, what should I do? Do I ask him if he sees me as a convenient hook up? Do I withhold getting physical with him? Do I stop seeing him? My friends are all over the place with some advising me to just let it be and be normal and others advising me to put him on the back burner. A I'm so confused and I feel sick to my stomach because I don't have it in me to be a FWB (nothing wrong with it; it is just not what I want). Advice would help so much!!!! P.S. I apologize for all typos, including the awful title :/ I was typing on my phone. Edited November 30, 2014 by sowler Typos
TheyCallMeOx Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) While all of this was happening, I deleted my POF account. Nevertheless, I have trust issues and so occasionally I would check to see if he was online but he wasn't online at all. Last weekend, we had sex (this was date 7 maybe). It kind of happened and to be honest its very out of character for me since I've been in two long term relationships and only had sex with those partners after 3-4 months. A few days later, we talked and I mentioned that I know we aren't exclusive but I want to know if he is being physical with anyone else or will plan to do so as it has an effect on my health. He said that was smart but said that he wasn't ready for emotional exclusivity which is not what I wanted anyway. The next day, I searched for his profile and saw that he'd been online. I then noticed that he's been going on line multiple times a day. This frequency really bothers me because I feel like he got what he wanted and is now looking to jump ship. At the same time, since then, I went to an event with him where there were a few of his co-workers. We've hung out twice and there has been no sex or even making out. And today he contacted me and we talked about this event in the news that we both were interested in. So, I'm not sure what to say or what to do. I went on a date with another guy but I feel like its not like I'm actively looking for someone else but he seems to be. So, what should I do? Do I ask him if he sees me as a convenient hook up? Do I withhold getting physical with him? Do I stop seeing him? My friends are all over the place with some advising me to just let it be and be normal and others advising me to put him on the back burner. I'm so confused and I feel sick to my stomach because I don't have it in me to be a FWB (nothing wrong with it; it is just not what I want). Advice would help so much!!!! Right now, I would be more concerned with two things: Your trust issuesYour conflicting desires I've bolded the things that have caught my attention and need to be addressed. He said he wasn't ready for "emotional exclusivity" (I don't know what that means), and you didn't want it, either. However, your actions may say otherwise. If you don't want to be exclusive, then it's only going to be expected that he's going to be pursue other options. So if the dude is online, why should that be a problem? Until you reach exclusivity, it's all fair game. If the dude is sexually active, you don't really need to know whether he's having sex, because he probably is having sex with other women. Even if he said that he wasn't, would you still believe him? After all, you have trust issues. So I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say there may have been an ulterior motive asking that kind of question. What it all comes down to is what you really want from this dude. The problem with people is that you don't always know their intentions until you ask the right questions. But you can't ask the right questions when you don't know what kind of answers you want to know. From my experience, it doesn't take long to know whether a woman is worth dating or not. If I'm fooling around with a woman and I'm saying things like "not right now," "I don't know," "maybe," or you get the feeling like I'm not really giving you a direct answer, then I'm probably just trying to keep the relationship at a sex level for as long as possible until she figures out there's no chance of us becoming more than that. But that's me, and you probably know the dude more than I do. There's no telling how he really feels, but you really have to voice how you feel about things and question his intentions, asking the right questions, or else you're shooting yourself in the foot. You have to be genuine with the way you feel. If you're pretending to feel a certain way just so he won't feel rushed, you're not being authentic. But I'm not you, so I can't decide what's going on inside your mind. You have to decide for yourself where and how you want things to go in the near future and there's a possibility that you may want something that he doesn't. However, the truth is the most valuable we can get; sometimes it hurts, but I'd rather know a woman's intentions even if it hurts me, rather than be lead on feeling like I'm an idiot for not seeing it coming. In the end, it may be nothing serious; it could be a total misunderstanding. However, you're going to have to be honest with how you feel, be open-minded, and actively gauge the dude so you can get the information that you need from him to make future decisions. But that trust issue...yeah, need to work on that. Trust issues are not healthy for relationships; more importantly, it's not healthy for your well-being. Regardless of what happens between you and him, you need to fix that before something bad happens that you could've prevented. Because nothing hurts worse than losing someone over something we know we should've fixed, but weren't aware enough to know why. I wouldn't say you need to stop pursuing him, or stop having sex with the dude, but you need to be active with what you want. If he just wants to have sex and not answer serious questions about his intentions with you, then he probably is looking for a FWB. Gather questions, continue doing what you're doing, but be cautious of what might happen. Edited November 30, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx answered more questions
Author sowler Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Theycallmeox: Thank you so much for your well thought out response. You were right to point out my conflicting feelings and my terrible trust issues. I certainly need to work on that. I guess that I don't mind if he is dating other people as long as his intentions toward me is not to play being interested in me just so he can have a regular hook-up partner and I'm not sure how to articulate that without seeming needy or insecure. But does asking really matter or should I be living in the moment and taking whatever comes my way. I think what I definitely need to do is not check and see whether he is online because it is NOT my business. Anyway,thabk you, you gave me lots to think about!
TheyCallMeOx Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Theycallmeox: Thank you so much for your well thought out response. You were right to point out my conflicting feelings and my terrible trust issues. I certainly need to work on that. I guess that I don't mind if he is dating other people as long as his intentions toward me is not to play being interested in me just so he can have a regular hook-up partner and I'm not sure how to articulate that without seeming needy or insecure. But does asking really matter or should I be living in the moment and taking whatever comes my way. I think what I definitely need to do is not check and see whether he is online because it is NOT my business. Anyway,thabk you, you gave me lots to think about! I'm responding to the bolded portion. The problem is you can't. There's no way to articulate something like that without seeming needy or insecure. With trust issues, there are no answers that will 100% make you convinced. The last woman I played around with, I kept telling her I was always honest, didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to just have sex. Two months later, I realized I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and I was just in the relationship because I wanted sex. People can say anything they want to, but only you can convince yourself of what is true.
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