Dating a doc w Sporadic Schedule- How to Be supportive vs notice red flags?

November 30, 2014

I just started dating this guy ( 4 dates, he's paid for all). He seems extremely sweet, a little on the nerdy side (which I like), funny/we laugh a lot together, smart, and respectful.

The thing is he is a resident at the local hospital which means crazy hours and time that's not his own (on call, long shifts, etc) I started to experience bit of what this really means on our last date which only lasted about 1 hour 45 mins on a Friday night because he had to be up at 4am the next day and finish at 11pm (2 days in a row).

I was of course understanding and didn't complain at all when he had to leave. We ordered out food and I gave him his leftovers that were in a container in a plastic bag so it wouldn't spill everywhere which he was thankful for. I gave him a kiss goodbye at the door and he seemed a little surprised (good way) and kept saying thank you and seemed really apologetic that he had to leave. He asked when he could see me next ( knows I have a hectic week coming up) but said he will come to my performance next Fri ( even though he has another 4am wake up the following day).

On our first date he admitted he hasn't dated much recently and seemed a little anxious asking if he was doing OK, what do people normally do on 2nd dates, etc.

Physically we've only had some heavy making out and cuddling. He's a great kisser and he told me I am too. He's very respectful and when I move his hand from places he stops and doesn't try again.

We both have crazy weeks coming up and then he leaves to go to home out of state 2 weeks for xmas. He is good about responding to texts as well as initiating. I know this will be a different dating experience and I have to be very confident and non-needy with him bc patients do come first.

On his weekends at work (4am wake up -- 11pm finish) should I text him to let him know I'm thinking about him or just leave him be? We left it with him saying he would text me and he'd come to my performance/see me then. He told me this is where it "gets difficult" bc of his schedule and seemed genuinely sorry and a bit upset about it. (although he loves what he does)

How do I best show him that I'm supportive/understanding to his schedule (realizing dates will be short or he may be called away)? Also how do I differentiate any tiredness/small availability between true doctor duties vs. losing interest?

November 30, 2014

Just be yourself and have your own life outside of his schedule. If he is stuck at work a lot of the time, he will really appreciate spending his free time with you and will be interested to hear what you have been up to.

As to how to gauge his interest, that's easy! If he is keen, he will find time to see you. I worked 100+ hours in my residency days and if I liked someone I would still find the time to see them.

I would send him nice, fairly light hearted texts to brighten up his working day and make him smile!

November 30, 2014

I wouldn't even go there to be honest. It's very difficult to tell whether or not he's losing interest or just mad busy, as it's not like a regular job where you can go into work on an hour's sleep and just ride it out, he really does need to take care of himself and get enough sleep to make sure he's in the right frame of mind for a life or death decision the next day!

Tried dating a Junior Doctor once... we managed to meet for dinner once, and then coffee ten days later, and then there wasn't another spare minute we could meet after that for the following two or three weeks so we realised it wasn't a goer and gave up. I also had an extremely busy 70 hour week schedule, we lived in different cities and he didn't drive so that obviously complicated things, maybe it'd be easier if you live geographically closer, and you can do things like meet after work for a half hour drink without too much planning.

One problem I could foresee is that if you have a comparatively empty schedule (say, just a regular job) and he's crazy busy, you're always going to be bowing to his schedule, either you're going to look too available and like you're willing to drop everything to see him, or you won't and you'll miss out on the few possible opportunities to actually see each other. It was a similar deal when I got with my current partner, he basically had to work around my schedule and it made me like him even more that he was willing to put the effort in to see me but I could imagine some people would find it a turn off and start feeling like they had a lap dog following them around. However, I made my interest clear even when I had to be the one calling the scheduling shots by making sure he knew I was into him, by texting and calling him, making sure I saw him when I was free and prioritising him up there with the other commitments in my life, and doing sweet things for him. So even though I was really busy he still got the message I was crazy about him and the only reason I wasn't with him was because I was at work!

I personally wouldn't bother. Usually I'd say 'if he likes you he will make time for you' but with a career like a Doctor that's a bit of a mitigating factor, I'd prefer to have a guy who was available to see me because I realised with the Doctor I almost dated that it's extremely difficult to build anything with someone when you're snatching one or two meetings every fortnight, ya know?

All I'd say is take it slow, try not to expect much, and most importantly keep dating other guys to stop yourself from fixating on this guy, and to ensure that you still have your own life and social life and are in demand enough that the Doctor still has to work to see you. That would be my best advice.

Edited November 30, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse

November 30, 2014

There isn't a surefire way, but your best guess is by the effort that he puts in when he's off work or has a free stretch.

I really do empathize with anyone dating a resident doc in the US, apparently they have the craziest hours of all docs in the developed world. I've been with a junior doc for several years now, and while they have much better hours here, it's still pretty cramped a lot of the time, so I can only imagine how things are for you and the guy you're dating.

Based on what I read of your interactions, he does sound like he's invested and putting in as much effort as he can within the constraints of his job. It's your prerogative to decide if that's enough for you - it's okay to say no.

November 30, 2014

Thanks for the advice everyone. I ended up sending a quick text yesterday evening that I hoped his day went well so far/he can power through the rest. I did not receive a response ( was expecting it to be a delayed response- not at all). Plus his reception must have been spotty bc it took awhile for the text to actually go through.

However I did notice he signed into the dating site we met on later that evening and didn't text me back. Is this something to be concerned about? I've also been signing in and am stilling messaging people on the site.

Since our time together will prob be more sporadic with unpredictable date length than most relationships... considering this when would be good to have a "what are we" "relationship talk?" I think its WAY too early for labels as we are still getting to know each other. I'm also still getting a feel for how dating a resident might be.

November 30, 2014

Thanks for the advice everyone. I ended up sending a quick text yesterday evening that I hoped his day went well so far/he can power through the rest. I did not receive a response ( was expecting it to be a delayed response- not at all). Plus his reception must have been spotty bc it took awhile for the text to actually go through.

However I did notice he signed into the dating site we met on later that evening and didn't text me back. Is this something to be concerned about? I've also been signing in and am stilling messaging people on the site.

Since our time together will prob be more sporadic with unpredictable date length than most relationships... considering this when would be good to have a "what are we" "relationship talk?" I think its WAY too early for labels as we are still getting to know each other. I'm also still getting a feel for how dating a resident might be.

The fact he signed into the dating site isn't a red flag, that's a healthy thing to be doing in the initial stages of dating. However, the fact he didn't respond to you might be... if he had time to sign into a dating site, he had time to reply to your text. If he was truly into you I think he'd have replied to your text, even briefly. It's too soon to make that call, but just keep it in mind.

I wouldn't even be thinking about having a 'what are we?' talk yet, you've only been on four dates. Give it another couple of weeks and see how much effort he makes to spend time with you. I've had many dating relationships that fizzled after 2-4 dates with no apparent reason. It's the nature of the beast. I think with this guy you should try and hold back a little more than you would with guys who are in touch frequently, because otherwise he's not gonna have any chance at all to be the aggressor if you're texting him first all the time. And you're not gonna have chance to see how much effort he makes if you end up making it easy for him to make none. Good luck!

November 30, 2014

The fact he signed into the dating site isn't a red flag, that's a healthy thing to be doing in the initial stages of dating. However, the fact he didn't respond to you might be... if he had time to sign into a dating site, he had time to reply to your text. If he was truly into you I think he'd have replied to your text, even briefly. It's too soon to make that call, but just keep it in mind.

I wouldn't even be thinking about having a 'what are we?' talk yet, you've only been on four dates. Give it another couple of weeks and see how much effort he makes to spend time with you. I've had many dating relationships that fizzled after 2-4 dates with no apparent reason. It's the nature of the beast. I think with this guy you should try and hold back a little more than you would with guys who are in touch frequently, because otherwise he's not gonna have any chance at all to be the aggressor if you're texting him first all the time. And you're not gonna have chance to see how much effort he makes if you end up making it easy for him to make none. Good luck!

In the past I've been "accused" of holding back too much, not being upfront with my feelings or texts. Such as "thinking too much" about should or shouldn't I text. With this guy now, I usually just text when I feel like it and don't think too much. (that being said I don't bombard, and we seem to alternate days of initiating contact). I think also why I do this with him is because he sends quite eager texts to me such as "does that mean I don't get to see you this weekend?!?" when I told him I was sick last week. Which makes it seem like there's no "let's not text and play it cool games" coming from him at least.

I only texted bc I know that must be a rough day even though I"m sure he's used to it/loves what he does. I also wanted it to be a "sign" of sorts to him that hey, i'm ok with your schedule and support it. I know I'd like to receive a short text that didn't involve any questions during a long day. I think sometimes I'm "too nice" and that seems to turn guys off? I sure hope not... He's know's i'm crazy busy this week and booked Tues- Saturday. He even said "that's so many days!!" when He asked "when can I see you next?"

I'm just trying to balance my interest, show him his hectic schedule is fine with me (for now at least), and I'm busy with my own activities this week (which he does know, and he said he'd come to my event on Friday). I don't plan to text again until I hear back. Hope I didn't ruin anything or starting to turn him off?

Edited November 30, 2014 by ThisisIt606

November 30, 2014

Oh no, from what you've said it sounds like he is actually quite into you so far. I'd say just try to stop overanalysing it. He clearly likes you and doesn't think you're 'too nice' if he's consistently trying to arrange when he gets to see you again, and it's definitely good that you're too booked up to see him once in a while to keep things even. Just proceed as normal but I still recommend dating other guys to make sure that you don't end up fixating on this, when it could go nowhere. I personally always kept multi-dating until I had a 'so, where do you see this going? Do you want to start a relationship?' from someone I was into.

The best relationships are the ones where it all feels 'right' and the balance of interaction between you both just flows, I have always found.

December 2, 2014

He did end up text back at midnight a few days later saying “thanks! Whew, sleepy. Hope you’re doing well!”

At first I thought this was a brush off… but I guess there’s not much need for convo that late and after he’s been working so long. But that’s when things started to get weird.

I responded the next day around noon saying hopefully he could rest today. I also let him know I had an extra ticket to my event (that he previously said he would attend) and that I could email it to him. I asked for him email.

He responded about 5 hours later (pretty weird for him) saying cool! Thanks!! And gave his email. He also asked “how’s it going today?”

I told him I’d send the ticket when I got home. Told him where he’d be sitting and it would be with my 2 friends from home. I briefly told him a highlight of my day (interview/went well) and asked how his was. No response…

Is he fading? Idk why he’s pulling back/not answering.

In my email about the ticket It was pretty straight forward not gushy or anything.

Hey name,

Here's the ticket! My mother couldn't come so that's why her name is on it. Just print this out and you'll be all set.

The performance is at ______

( provided public transport directions)

Thanks for coming and I'll see you after I perform/at intermission!

(my name)

^ Do you think he feels too pressured to come? He basically volunteered himself to come. I first asked do you have any plans on xyz nights? And he said “I’ll come!” before I had the chance to actually ask. He said he’d try to make it if he wasn’t working, So I just said OK and left it at that.

The next time I saw him he said he’d see me at my event . and I said oh you’re coming?? (didn’t know he actually decided too) and he said yes and that I’ll be soo nervous. So our last inperson convo he informed me he was coming.

Do you think he got freaked out that he will be sitting with my 2 friends from home/feel that I’m rushing things?

He knows I live in this town so it only makes sense I’ll have friends coming to my event. Also, I told him it was an extra ticket (aka free) and explained why I had it. I thought it would be nice to at least offer to him so he wouldn’t have to pay.

My last text I asked how his day was and he did not respond. Should I text again? Or just leave it and then see if he shows up or not? Should I give him an "out" he doesn't feel obligated to come such as "I hope you can make it but if you're working or too bust I understand :)" <-- my worry with that is I don't want him to think i'm uninviting him. I'd love for him to come/want him too. But i hope he doesn't feel pressured.

December 2, 2014

You sound super anxious to an outside observer- if you don't mind me saying so!

I can be the exact same way (I hate the dating period in a new relationship- I like knowing where I stand and I always wish there was a way you could fast forward and just get to the relationship bit- but there are no shortcuts!) so I empathise

You need to chill!

There are a number of possible reasons for the slow response- he may be busy saving lives, he might be tired, he may have a different communication style from you, he may not be as interested/invested as you are....

You need to be patient (difficult I know!) and just wait. You've made your move and now it's his turn. He'll let you know what will happen next. He'll either show up, respond or become silent.

These are all valid responses and what he does next will give you some indication of his level of interest.

In the meantime, keep busy, date other guys, have fun and distract yourself! You will become more attractive to him and others if you are your own person with your own interests.

You'll also drive yourself crazy if you do end up with this guy and you aren't able to handle his busy schedule/inability to respond to you immediately. This is his way of life and if there is any possibility of a relationship developing, you need to develop strategies to keep yourself happy while he is busy.

Easier said than done, I know!

Good luck

December 2, 2014

Thanks, yes I am anxious I know and it’s something I’ve tried to work on. He does know I’m busy this week after work commitments Tues-Thursday and booked evenings fri and sat. He even exclaimed that was “so many days!” and asked when he could see me next (which is when he told me he was coming to my event on Friday).

I’ve noticed he’s been active on the dating site we met on and on Facebook (he told me to friend him on our 3rd date). Dating advice I’ve been reading online all basically talks about don’t pursue him, not make him so important etc. While I agree I guess I have a hard time between that and just being plain nice. Like the texts I sent after our last date that it was good to see him/good luck with his early morning. Or during his overnight shift when I said I hoped he had a good day/ enough caffine to power through the rest.

In hind sight maybe this was a bit too “over bearing”? and I should just be quiet and not text… but I’m definitely not texting him again unless I hear from him. He is kinda dorky (in a way that I liked) and seemed very anxious on our last date when he came over (spilling things, hesitant to mop it up or not, etc). which makes his pulling back all the more confusing to me.

December 2, 2014

Maybe he's a little freaked out at sitting with your friends, especially if he's the shy and awkward type, he maybe wanted to go and sit on his own, but now it's turned into a full-on night out with two or three people he's never even met before. Also it makes things a bit awkward if you're not really defined as anything together yet... he'll wonder what your friends will think he is to you, maybe it'll throw up some questions he's not ready for.

Either way, it's all done now, just sit back and relax. If he comes, he comes, if he doesn't well... he doesn't. You should really rein yourself in a bit, even if he DOES come Friday it doesn't mean anything about how he feels about you.

Given his very busy schedule I'd make a concerted effort to pull back if I were you. You'll find out very quickly if he's interested in taking it further or not, whereas if you're getting in touch with him off your own back a lot of the time he won't really have space to show you whether he's actually willing to put any effort in to see you or not.

You need to keep dating other people or you will stress yourself out madly over this guy and seriously, while I don't advocate 'games', being relaxed and chilled at the start of a relationship is the best way forward, it stops things from rushing, lets them develop naturally, and if they don't work out neither part is devastated. Does that make sense?

December 2, 2014

I just started dating this guy ( 4 dates, he's paid for all.)

I'm sorry but what does this have to do with anything?

December 2, 2014

I'm sorry but what does this have to do with anything?

It indicates romantic vs. friendly interest.

December 2, 2014

I'm sorry but what does this have to do with anything?

Maybe he's a little freaked out at sitting with your friends, especially if he's the shy and awkward type, he maybe wanted to go and sit on his own, but now it's turned into a full-on night out with two or three people he's never even met before. Also it makes things a bit awkward if you're not really defined as anything together yet... he'll wonder what your friends will think he is to you, maybe it'll throw up some questions he's not ready for.

Either way, it's all done now, just sit back and relax. If he comes, he comes, if he doesn't well... he doesn't. You should really rein yourself in a bit, even if he DOES come Friday it doesn't mean anything about how he feels about you.

Given his very busy schedule I'd make a concerted effort to pull back if I were you. You'll find out very quickly if he's interested in taking it further or not, whereas if you're getting in touch with him off your own back a lot of the time he won't really have space to show you whether he's actually willing to put any effort in to see you or not.

You need to keep dating other people or you will stress yourself out madly over this guy and seriously, while I don't advocate 'games', being relaxed and chilled at the start of a relationship is the best way forward, it stops things from rushing, lets them develop naturally, and if they don't work out neither part is devastated. Does that make sense?

Yes, that does make sense. He ended up texting back to my question “how was your day?” from yesterday. Today he said “whew busy busy, doing well though how are u?” his texting demeanor has changed A LOT like 180. Does this seem like a brush off or truly busy with his Dr. duties?

I’m sure he is busy but I’m wracking my brain as to what happened…..if he’s going to get that freaked out over a free ticket at an event which you sit in silence in the dark with my 2 friends then idk... I feel like he’s being a bit dramatic. Turning the tables I would be a little anxious about sitting with his two friends but also excited/ it wouldn’t deter me from going unless I REALLY didn’t like the guy/ saw no possibility of further dating. ( which is weird bc when I saw him last in person he said “when can I see you again? We’ll I’ll see you Friday (ie my performance).

I haven’t responded yet to his “whew busy busy, doing well though how are u?” But I’m thinking of just mimicking the response with “ aw yeah, busy day for me too!” since he offered no details, I’m assuming I shouldn’t either? I do have news but he doesn’t seem to be as receptive.

December 2, 2014

Yes, that does make sense. He ended up texting back to my question “how was your day?” from yesterday. Today he said “whew busy busy, doing well though how are u?” his texting demeanor has changed A LOT like 180. Does this seem like a brush off or truly busy with his Dr. duties?

I’m sure he is busy but I’m wracking my brain as to what happened…..if he’s going to get that freaked out over a free ticket at an event which you sit in silence in the dark with my 2 friends then idk... I feel like he’s being a bit dramatic. Turning the tables I would be a little anxious about sitting with his two friends but also excited/ it wouldn’t deter me from going unless I REALLY didn’t like the guy/ saw no possibility of further dating. ( which is weird bc when I saw him last in person he said “when can I see you again? We’ll I’ll see you Friday (ie my performance).

I haven’t responded yet to his “whew busy busy, doing well though how are u?” But I’m thinking of just mimicking the response with “ aw yeah, busy day for me too!” since he offered no details, I’m assuming I shouldn’t either? I do have news but he doesn’t seem to be as receptive.

I really couldn't say whether or not he's brushing you off, when I don't know what his earlier pattern of communication was like. However, you have to remember to slow the anxiety down and look at the greater, wider pattern of communication over some time before jumping to conclusions based on one text, or one day. Nine times out of ten though, my gut instinct has been correct when I've felt like a guy has done a 180 on me. It doesn't mean that anything has 'changed', you don't need to wrack your brains wondering. Sometimes it's just something very little. If he isn't interested any more it could be any number of a squillion things when you don't know him yet. He could have realised he's not in a position to date, as a busy new doctor. He could be hung up on his ex. He could be secretly gay and trying to force himself to see women to please his family. He could have realised there's not the chemistry or spark he thought there was with you at the start. He could be a commitmentphobe who's starting to stress in case you ask him where it's going. He could be so busy with work he doesn't keep his phone near him. Or... he could just be not that into you.

Back off a little and let's see if he puts any effort in to gain your interest again. If he does, then you know he's interested (for now). If he doesn't then you have your answer and will be able to move on because you'll know he isn't in a position to be dating you.

December 2, 2014

I think sending random texts is a waste of everyone's time, especially a doctor. He doesn't need to have one more thing to do. You have to realize that most guys assume if you're with them, you love them, and they don't necessarily need the constant saying so as long as your time together is fun. Not everyone can marry a doctor because you and your kids are literally never going to be number one as far as who gets access and time. By nature, it's the job, just as it is with other high pressure jobs such as policemen, military. So you have to be able to function autonomously and you have to be prepared to raise your kids pretty much alone and do everything because he's on call or gone very long hours. I wouldn't like it. I don't mind someone gone a lot, but I want to know that when they are home, that they're not going to get interrupted. I'd have to know I had that time with them just as I wouldn't want to be on call 24/7 myself. I am on-call part-time now, but it's very part-time. I have been on call 8 hours for 4 years on the past. It was okay for me because I'm alone and I have work I can do while waiting for the call. But being gone such long hours and being exhausted and not ever being assured of even getting enough sleep is not really a good lifestyle. But if you're very independent and not at all needy and not high maintenance, he will bring in a good income.

December 3, 2014

OP, just glancing at your last few posts, I don't think this guy is the right one for you. The initial stages of an R are the honeymoon ones, and you're experiencing so much anxiety and unhappiness. Can you imagine doing this for years?

I also agree with preraph in that I don't see the point of texting constantly when you're going to be seeing each other IRL in a couple days' time anyway. But that's just me - you do you.

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