Lleo Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 For some being sexy is not part of life. Like it or not, for whatever reason, from birth defects or something wrong with the face, proportions, some will never be the object of sexual desire. My case is a bit more frustrating. See me on the street, you think normal guy. 5'9" usually between 150 - 180lbs, no obvious irregularities, a good face. I fit in and get by just fine on outward appearence. Socially I am quite awkward; an only, unwanted child, survived and neglected until 18. Pulled out of school at 12 from constantly getting beat up from inability to fit in. By age 12 I also weighted 240lbs from a comfort food diet of soda, juice, pop tarts, microwave dinners, etc. Out of school and home alone, no family friends or days out going through puberty, by 16 I realized the weight had to go. I took it off within eight months and never gained it back. However, you can lose the weight, not the fat cells, skin and stretch marks. By 18 when I was free of my psycho parents, I had jo direction, no socialization, and a trainwreck physique that will never improve. I've worked out plenty, been in good shape, tans, you name it. It does not tk away. I have managed several breif relationships and made it with a decent amount of women. The sex is always awkward. Certain positions aren't possible. Being touched doesn't work well for me either. I have a hard time fitting in clothes that adequetly hide certain parts of my body. I don't get to sit around with my shirt off or in a bathing suit. I don't get to lay around nude with a woman. I don't get to dress up sexy and show off curves. Not wanting to deal with explaining this and the looks and rejection keeps me from trying anymore. It's been years and I think about wanting to be with a woman constantly and having to see someone out with similar features or something just puts too much conscious thought into the act of meeting someone which I believe ought to be casual. It is miserable and feels like a curse. Sure many have it worse, someone always has it worse even if you are the worst someone has it worse in a different way. Having to see people get along together, see them in porn, and this includes socializing, it just reminds me everyday how this life is a prison and torture made for endless suffering with possibly no reward in the end except the bliss of having the suffering stop. I never got to play dr or have any adolescent sexual fun. The women I have been with have all been lying demanding cheaters. I am viciously smart, educated in many fields which makes socializing even more difficult. I do not drink or use drugs. I feel I am cursed to live however long in isolation with everything I want in front of me and just out of reach.
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 Go to therapy and sort out the issues from your childhood as I guess they are still impacting you today.
Author Lleo Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 Well therapy costs money and I am as educated as any therapist, tho The benefit of talking thing out is there
organizedchaos Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Well therapy costs money and I am as educated as any therapist, tho The benefit of talking thing out is there So you have a degree is psychology as well?
Author Lleo Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 Not degree, equivilant education and some experience
Author Lleo Posted November 30, 2014 Author Posted November 30, 2014 I'm a life-long student of science, human condition, health, sociology, logic among many other fields.
Candice Luna Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I had to give my 2 cents because this hits very close to home, although I'm a woman. I too suffered from neglect in childhood to a very high degree. Now in my late 30s, all my relationships suffer and I have many body-image issues, among other things. Another thing I have in common with you is that although I can look normal in many situations, I'm convinced a couple of physical problems that I have and that nobody around me have makes me an undesirable person. I've been seeing a therapist. It does cost money, but for me there is no other solution. I tried to heal by myself, but as my therapist explained to me, even though I have high intelligence and have what it takes to understand what's going on inside my head, I will probably never get out of the "loop" inside my head if I go at it alone. Even therapists need to see another therapist when they need help. Now I see it makes sense, years ago I didn't believe it was necessary (like you don't believe now). You and me have a personality problem. Well, I suppose that's what you have, because the neglect messed up your ability to relate to others. I just wanted you to know that what you have, other people have too. It is very difficult situation but there is hope. It may take years for you to decide to believe you can heal but it will happen someday, I hope. It took a very long time for me, but I'm glad I did late but before I'm dead Good luck. PS: Very important, when you're ready to see a therapist, don't be afraid to try a couple of different ones before you decide which one to continue with. 1
eye of the storm Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Lleo, you may be as educated as your therapist...but we usually can only see out of our own eyes. A good therapist will help you see things more clearly. And can give you different ways of looking at a situation and dealing with it. When I went to therapy, I went for one reason and one reason only...I was going to fix myself to get my H back. (stomp feet for effect). Well, my therapist saw things I didn't/couldn't. She worked with me to get me to see that my goal was wrong. I shouldn't fix myself for him, I needed to fix me for me. Fix why sex is hard for you. Touching is an integral part of sex. And if you have issues there, that might be a good place to start. Also, you are so uncomfortable in your own skin, I would imagine that you unconsciously telegraph that to your partners, making this even more uncomfortable for both of you. I like to joke that I don't worry about my body because by the time we get our clothes off, they don't care I am not shaped like a model, they are just glad I'm naked. Sex is supposed to be fun. And if you go into it dreading taking off your shirt, you are already pulling back from the fun. Go see someone. On a side note...it might be helpful to stop thinking you are smarter than they are. And I don't say this meanly because I dearly love a person that is freakishly brilliant, and he honestly is smarter than most people but even he gets knocked off his high horse sometimes and its funny. He has now learned that just because his IQ may be higher, they may have some life experience or some training he just hasn't had yet. And by being willing to learn from those "lesser" than him, he can become more amazing than he already is. (we are still working on humbleness)
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Not degree, equivilant education and some experience Piffle. My husband has multiple degrees and a doctorate and was in therapy for his traumas. I have multiple degrees and "equivalent education" and needed therapy for my traumas. Even the most educated and intelligent people need help - even when/if we know the processes. You are making excuses. 3
organizedchaos Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I'm a life-long student of science, human condition, health, sociology, logic among many other fields. So? And yet you still struggle with basic human interactions. 2
dichotomy Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) I may take heat for this but....have you met with a plastic surgeon to discuss your body issues? You mention skin issues from weight loss, but you hint at other significant issues. If there are lasting issues from weight loss, or other medically based issues remaining on your body - a consult with a plastic surgeon might be worth while. I am glad you work out - beyond weight loss its great for depression and other issues. Also realize the world is a big place, and there are women who have issues as well with their body and fitting in. I am aware there are dating sites for people with certain medical or body issues. There is someone for everyone. I suggest you find a female therapist - maybe one with an additional specialty in sex therapy - to work with you. Simply talking to a kind sensitive female therapist about your self esteem and body/sex issues can do wonders - I know this personally. Edited November 30, 2014 by dichotomy 2
Ebelskiver Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Thinking you are too smart for professional help is a huge red flag. I too have multiple degrees, I diagnose mental illness in others. But nothing beats the ability of a therapist to look at something through a different pair of eyes. Once you start thinking you know it all, you've truly lost the battle. In addition to therapy I believe a caring sex worker could do wonders. Someone you could build a relationship with. Someone who would work with you to overcome some of your issues. I see nothing wrong with this as long as the worker is self-employed and doing it as her decision. I've had a number of partners who have seen sex workers in the past and I've never thought less of them. Hell, if they had reliable, straight male escorts I'd probably visit them. You have recognized there is a problem....congratulations! Now take the advice being offered and do something about it. Otherwise you'll lose the right to bitch.
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