He left me for his ex..

[lauren13]

My bf and I broke up 3 days ago, after being together for couple of months. I know this isn't a very long time, but things got very intense and progressed quickly after we've met. I was slightly hesitant at the beginning because I knew he recently got out of a long term relationship, but there was something about him that made me fall for him hard (I'm usually the type who prefers to take it slow).

 

Shortly after we became exclusive his ex popped back in the picture asking him back, said she misses him and still loves him. He told me about her when that happened and explained all the reasons why they broke up. They've been together for roughly 4 years, lived together but said last year was bad, because she was constantly unhappy and blamed him for everything. One day she just moved out and left him because they wanted different things in life. She said some pretty hurtful things to him (which I never imagined anyone could ever say to someone they love).

 

I asked him whether he'd want to see her again or what's the deal and he said he was more angry than anything that she just popped back, because of how badly she treated him. And sure I believed him and thought nobody in the right mind would ever go back to someone who hurt them that badly. Months has gone by and we were progressing in our relationship, all was good, didn't have any issues and we had pretty strong feelings for each other. I knew, however, every once in a while she contacted him again saying she wanted him back, but I didn't want to get involved with what he should be doing (i.e. blocking her) - I trusted him, trusted what we had and we talked about her openly (him claiming he didn't want the relationship they had back).

 

Then boom - three days ago he tells me he is going back to her and that it's something he needs to do for himself. I was pretty upset and we had a pretty intense argument because I just couldn't believe someone would throw away something good for someone who has mistreated them and hurt them as much as she did. He said this was one of the hardest decisions he had to make and that he's very hurt, because he hurt me and he cares about me, but it's something he needs to do. I told him I don't think her intentions are honest, because nobody just realizes suddenly they want all the same things in life as you do ...but I guess that's irrelevant.

 

Not even 24hrs later he texted me (probably drunk); left 4 msgs and because I didn't reply left the 5th one saying something that he knew meant a lot to me (something we used to say to each other when we were having a bad day). So I replied saying I needed space and that he has to leave me alone, he was upset but I stopped replying. I am really upset and angry that he told me something he knew meant a lot to me after dumping me.. I don't understand why he'd do something like that to me.. he also asked me if I wanted to get coffee next week and I'm not sure what to do ..I haven't replied or decided yet as I feel hurt right now..part of me is curious what he has to say, but another part of me is saying "don't even go there"..

 

I'm just super confused with the whole situation ...

[lemonsugar]

Ever heard of the phrase eat your cat and have it too. He is playing you his gone back to his ex. Do you want a guy like that. I suggest if you can block his number and dont look back. If you keep talking it will only hurt you more

[lauren13]

My head is saying - obviously, no! I don't want a guy like that!

 

But at the same time I can't help myself and don't understand why he'd leave me (when he was saying I treated him so well) for her who has hurt him so much.. and another part of me is just so angry.

 

I didn't reply more than just telling him to leave me alone. I hope I can block him completely.

[zen2475]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but think you are handling this well. Unfortunately, it's pretty clear he was not over his ex when he started up with you. He didn't allow himself to heal properly, and you ended up being his rebound. He moved on to you quickly because he didn't want to deal with the pain of his break-up, and you ended up getting hurt in the process.

 

As they say, dead dogs don't bark. Anyone who appears to harbor a lot of anger at an ex does so because they still have some pretty substantial feelings for that person. She may have done some crappy thing to him, but people do that in break-ups and he was willing to forgive and try again because he still cares about her.

 

I think you are doing an excellent job of asserting your boundaries and I think you are right to ask for space. He doesn't want to feel bad about hurting you. That's why he's reaching out because he knows he's hurt you and wants to feel less guilty about it.

 

He doesn't get to feel better at your expense. Maybe some time in the future you can meet and talk, but right now I would allow yourself all the time and space you need to sort this out and heal. You are going to have a lot of conflicting emotions, and seeing him will only stir the pot, so to speak.

[Ducktape]

Be happy he told you the truth when he ended things. He saved you a lot of confusion and sleepless nights trying to figure out what happened.

 

It's unfortunate for you, but there's a silver lining. That means he wasn't over her ex, so it's a good thing he went back to her to end unfinished business. You don't want to be stuck with someone having regrets about the past. You'll find someone more available who's ready for a commitment, and has no bagage in the way.

[lauren13]

My head knows all of this is true, I just wish my emotions listened.. haha

 

I usually tend to deal with breakups pretty ok, because it happens for this or that reason - most likely wanting different things. I think this one hurts more because of how compatible we were and wanted the same future - I just wasn't the one he wanted it with.

 

EDIT: It also brought back a lot of bad memories from when my parents split - pretty similar story to theirs and then me being there as a kid and watching it blew up again.

Edited November 29, 2014 by lauren13

[Invictus01]

Yeah, be happy you didn't receive a "you are such a great friend" text after seeing each other and keeping in touch on a daily basis for 6 months... and that was the end... At least you know what happened...

[EmbeddedCortex]

My bf and I broke up 3 days ago, after being together for couple of months. I know this isn't a very long time, but things got very intense and progressed quickly after we've met. I was slightly hesitant at the beginning because I knew he recently got out of a long term relationship, but there was something about him that made me fall for him hard (I'm usually the type who prefers to take it slow).

 

Shortly after we became exclusive his ex popped back in the picture asking him back, said she misses him and still loves him. He told me about her when that happened and explained all the reasons why they broke up. They've been together for roughly 4 years, lived together but said last year was bad, because she was constantly unhappy and blamed him for everything. One day she just moved out and left him because they wanted different things in life. She said some pretty hurtful things to him (which I never imagined anyone could ever say to someone they love).

 

I asked him whether he'd want to see her again or what's the deal and he said he was more angry than anything that she just popped back, because of how badly she treated him. And sure I believed him and thought nobody in the right mind would ever go back to someone who hurt them that badly. Months has gone by and we were progressing in our relationship, all was good, didn't have any issues and we had pretty strong feelings for each other. I knew, however, every once in a while she contacted him again saying she wanted him back, but I didn't want to get involved with what he should be doing (i.e. blocking her) - I trusted him, trusted what we had and we talked about her openly (him claiming he didn't want the relationship they had back).

 

Then boom - three days ago he tells me he is going back to her and that it's something he needs to do for himself. I was pretty upset and we had a pretty intense argument because I just couldn't believe someone would throw away something good for someone who has mistreated them and hurt them as much as she did. He said this was one of the hardest decisions he had to make and that he's very hurt, because he hurt me and he cares about me, but it's something he needs to do. I told him I don't think her intentions are honest, because nobody just realizes suddenly they want all the same things in life as you do ...but I guess that's irrelevant.

 

Not even 24hrs later he texted me (probably drunk); left 4 msgs and because I didn't reply left the 5th one saying something that he knew meant a lot to me (something we used to say to each other when we were having a bad day). So I replied saying I needed space and that he has to leave me alone, he was upset but I stopped replying. I am really upset and angry that he told me something he knew meant a lot to me after dumping me.. I don't understand why he'd do something like that to me.. he also asked me if I wanted to get coffee next week and I'm not sure what to do ..I haven't replied or decided yet as I feel hurt right now..part of me is curious what he has to say, but another part of me is saying "don't even go there"..

 

I'm just super confused with the whole situation ...

 

I'm really sorry you had to go through this experience. I can totally relate to this guy though, meaning how he still has feelings for his ex despite the bad breakup. I am going through the same emotions right now, including the past few months, if you read my threads.

 

However, from the very beginning I decided that I wouldn't just jump into another relationship with someone because of exactly what's happened to you.

 

I think in his case, he tried taking the easy way out, and you're the unintentional victim.

[KatZee]

I'm just super confused with the whole situation ...

 

I'll try to make this very easy to understand, this scenario is pretty common.

 

1. You were the rebound. He was not over a 4-year long relationship when he started up with you, and it's one reason the relationship moved at super warp speed.

 

Never believe when someone who has recently been dumped tells you that you're not a rebound. You are. No one gets dumped (and as badly as you explain here) and moves on from it virtually immediately.

 

2. Not shocking that his ex suddenly popped back up. Sounds like she left fairly quickly and when someone ends a long term relationship with such a "knee jerk" reaction, they almost always come back around after having time to think it over.

 

3. Also not shocking that he went back to her. Despite how much he may care for you, this other woman has FOUR YEARS on you. She has living together with him. They have a lot more history, a lot more memories, and just a lot of things between them that you can't really comprehend.

 

Sure, things for their past year together may have been bad... but long term relationships go through this. There are ups, downs, ruts, etc. And even though the past year was bad, there was most likely very much that was good, so much so, that she came back, and he went back. Of course he only told you the bad things. He wouldn't sit there and rehash all the wonderful times they had.

 

Sometimes people part ways only to realize what they lost, and they can come back together and work it out. And sometimes, they realize it was the right move to split up. That's what they're going to have to figure out at this point.

 

4. Don't be confused by all his professions of "caring about you" and "meaning so much" and "wanting to meet up for coffee." He's doing nothing but keeping you on his back burner, just on the off chance that his ex/now gf again winds up burning him again.

 

Do you see how this isn't fair to you? To keep you on a little string while he goes off and gets back with his girlfriend of 4 years? DO NOT have coffee with him. DO NOT respond to his texts. Block him if you have to.

 

If you meant more to him, he'd be with you, he wouldn't be running back to his ex.

 

And my own personal experience: I dated a guy who came out of a LTR and I was the rebound... although I believed him when he said I wasn't. Eventually, yes, the ex came back around. In my case? He cheated on me with her. He never went back to her, but he may has well of. He had been secretly talking to her, and cheating on me with her.

 

He too also told me how horrible their relationship had been. How unhappy he was, how much better of a gf I was. Still didn't stop him from sniffing back around her way when he had the chance. Why? Why would he go back to that when I was "better"? Again, Familiarity. The memories. The years they had together. The comfort. The long, deep connection they had. I was still new. He wasn't so invested in me. What they had over a period of years trumped anything I had.

 

I now make sure that anyone I date has been single for quite a while. Ex's can leave some really lasting baggage, and damage.

Edited November 29, 2014 by KatZee

[andilyn1]

Oh boy I can relate. I broke up with my ex boyfriend two weeks ago over a very similar situation. His ex came back around, but it was to say horrible things to him, to say horrible things to me. All I ever heard from my ex was how badly his ex treated him. She hit him numerous times, took money, called him nasty names, cheated, and always put him down. Well, come to find out, he started replying to her texts, even though they were mean texts on her end. And sure enough, they start talking, even though she claimed she had a new boyfriend. He always told me how wonderful I was. How nicely I treated him. I was an angel, blah blah blah. Yet he went back to her...because who wouldn't go back to a lying, cheating ex girlfriend, right? (Rolling my eyes!) It made no sense to me, still doesn't. But he is already realizing how horrible of a choice it was to leave and go back to her. She's cheating on him already again. He realized way too late what he lost with me. It was so hurtful when I found out he wanted to go back to her. I wasn't perfect in our relationship, but my word I never cheated, stole his money, put him down, nothing! All I can say is hang in there. Eventually your heart and mind will finally agree that you don't need someone like that in your life, someone stringing you along. I would advise against meeting up with him, or talking to him. He needs to feel the loss of you. And he will feel that once you block him out of your life. Easier said than done, I know. I'm struggling with it too. But don't let that boy have his cake and eat it too. He chose to go back to his ex, so this is where you stop all contact. It's what he wanted. Let him have it and realize his own mistakes.

[No Limit]

Let him go back to her, but don't take him back once she drops him again and he needs a way to fix his self-esteem. And their "relationship" will fail in no time, I promise you.

[idoltree]

This is why you should avoid getting involved with people shortly out of other relationships, especially when there is intensity and things move quickly. People often confuse the intensity and speed with a "meant to be" and that the person rebounding is serious about them, so it's okay to jump in. But what is actually happening is that they are projecting the feelings they still have for their ex onto you. That's exactly why it feels so intoxicating.

 

In the future, don't get involved with someone who is just out of a relationship, especially when it feels so intense and wonderful. That's a sign to back off, tell them that you like them, and to get in touch in a few months when they're further in their healing process. Give 'em a big smile and a smooch to remember you by, and then have the courage to walk away. That's the only way to have the potential for a happy future with someone who is still attached to their ex. Give them time and a reason to be missing you, and it's likely they'll seek you out down the line.

 

Being someone's rebound starts because they are attracted to you. That's real. What isn't real is the attachment and love that they project onto you. That's left over from their previous relationship. When they see that the attachment isn't real, they start to lose the attraction too. So leave 'em early on, and the attraction to you is something that they'll remember.

 

If you get involved with them, after a month or two, they will start to see that they have projected a whole bunch of things onto you that aren't actually there. The deep attachment that they have connected to you isn't deserved, because they don't actually know who you are. They saw you for who they wanted you to be - the perfect replacement for the hole in their life left by their ex. Once they see elements of your humanness peeking through, they will become disillusioned and one of three things will happen: if the ex is still interested, they'll dump you to get back together with the ex, if the ex isn't interested, you'll either get dumped when they realize that they're "not ready" or "not able to give you what you deserve", or they'll settle for you and stay with you but they won't be happy.

 

Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. Many of us have been there. Be wiser about who you choose to get involved with and never be afraid to walk away if someone isn't ready to be with you. It's actually your best shot at a future with them. (And you need to be the one to assess if they are ready, because remember they'll unknowingly be projecting feelings for their ex onto you. Of course they're going to tell you that they're ready because they have feelings.)

[organizedchaos]

My bf and I broke up 3 days ago, after being together for couple of months. I know this isn't a very long time, but things got very intense and progressed quickly after we've met. I was slightly hesitant at the beginning because I knew he recently got out of a long term relationship, but there was something about him that made me fall for him hard (I'm usually the type who prefers to take it slow).

 

Shortly after we became exclusive his ex popped back in the picture asking him back, said she misses him and still loves him. He told me about her when that happened and explained all the reasons why they broke up. They've been together for roughly 4 years, lived together but said last year was bad, because she was constantly unhappy and blamed him for everything. One day she just moved out and left him because they wanted different things in life. She said some pretty hurtful things to him (which I never imagined anyone could ever say to someone they love).

 

I asked him whether he'd want to see her again or what's the deal and he said he was more angry than anything that she just popped back, because of how badly she treated him. And sure I believed him and thought nobody in the right mind would ever go back to someone who hurt them that badly. Months has gone by and we were progressing in our relationship, all was good, didn't have any issues and we had pretty strong feelings for each other. I knew, however, every once in a while she contacted him again saying she wanted him back, but I didn't want to get involved with what he should be doing (i.e. blocking her) - I trusted him, trusted what we had and we talked about her openly (him claiming he didn't want the relationship they had back).

 

Then boom - three days ago he tells me he is going back to her and that it's something he needs to do for himself. I was pretty upset and we had a pretty intense argument because I just couldn't believe someone would throw away something good for someone who has mistreated them and hurt them as much as she did. He said this was one of the hardest decisions he had to make and that he's very hurt, because he hurt me and he cares about me, but it's something he needs to do. I told him I don't think her intentions are honest, because nobody just realizes suddenly they want all the same things in life as you do ...but I guess that's irrelevant.

 

Not even 24hrs later he texted me (probably drunk); left 4 msgs and because I didn't reply left the 5th one saying something that he knew meant a lot to me (something we used to say to each other when we were having a bad day). So I replied saying I needed space and that he has to leave me alone, he was upset but I stopped replying. I am really upset and angry that he told me something he knew meant a lot to me after dumping me.. I don't understand why he'd do something like that to me.. he also asked me if I wanted to get coffee next week and I'm not sure what to do ..I haven't replied or decided yet as I feel hurt right now..part of me is curious what he has to say, but another part of me is saying "don't even go there"..

 

I'm just super confused with the whole situation ...

 

How long from when his last relationship ended to when you started dating him? How did you meet?

[lauren13]

Thanks all!

 

I guess I made a mistake in overestimating how over her he actually was. From experience being on the other side; I have moved on from one relationship to another quickly in the past and the guy who I became involved with wasn't just a rebound - guess the difference was I have emotionally moved on even before the breakup happened as it was a pretty toxic situation and I'd never ever go back to that. From what he told me about how **** last year was I foolishly believed his situation was similar to my past one.

 

Oh well, I am finally making some sense out of all of this and I know I'll get over it eventually. It just sucks because he was a great guy otherwise and had the qualities I like in a man. A part of me also feels like I don't get to be angry.. and this isn't really helping.

[lauren13]

It was roughly 2-3 months and we met at a restaurant (he chatted me up).

[I'mNotYourGirl]

He is a weak man. There is high possibility that his "ex" will dump him again and he will come crawling back to you. Happened to me before. Few years ago i was rebound for one guy too, and he get back with his ex. They broke up again, and since 3 years he is texing me apologies. I didn't answer to him even once.

I know is hard for you, but you are better person than these 2 cowards, and sooner or later you will be the winner of this situation.

[lauren13]

He is a weak man. There is high possibility that his "ex" will dump him again and he will come crawling back to you. Happened to me before. Few years ago i was rebound for one guy too, and he get back with his ex. They broke up again, and since 3 years he is texing me apologies. I didn't answer to him even once.

I know is hard for you, but you are better person than these 2 cowards, and sooner or later you will be the winner of this situation.

Yeah - I noticed that he had a weaker personality than me actually and it was one of the things I didn't really like about him, but could live with. Now I'm just using it to help me get over it.

[idoltree]

It just sucks because he was a great guy otherwise and had the qualities I like in a man.

 

It's truly his loss. He let a good woman go for one who will likely screw him over again. He'll realize that someday.

 

And from where I'm sitting, I think you've discovered additional qualities about him: weakness and poor decision making. Those qualities aren't so hot, are they?

 

There's another guy out there with the qualities you like who is also a strong person.

 

A part of me also feels like I don't get to be angry.. and this isn't really helping.

You DO get to be angry, because that will help you heal. It doesn't mean that you need to act on that anger or take it out on someone, but you do get to feel it. What happened to you hurts! You trusted someone and he let you down; it's normal to feel disappointment and anger.

[johnson_j]

Idoltrees' earlier post is plain genius. That describes a rebound relationship to a tee.

 

 

I also thinkyou should get angry. Angry enough to block his phone number, and strong enough to tell him to take a hike when he realizes that the 4 years with the ex is a sunk cost - it failed once, and it will likely fail again. In the meantime you will go on to be successful and make another guy happy, one who is smart enough to value you for you.

[lauren13]

I was doing so well the past two days; started to allow myself to feel anger etc. and it's like he has a radar that sensed I'm moving on because he just texted me asking if we could meet him today or tomorrow... after I specifically asked him to leave me alone. All these feelings came back ... I haven't replied yet ..not sure if I will. I know I should just block him, but part of me wants proper closure.

[lauren13]

He is a weak man. There is high possibility that his "ex" will dump him again and he will come crawling back to you. Happened to me before. Few years ago i was rebound for one guy too, and he get back with his ex. They broke up again, and since 3 years he is texing me apologies. I didn't answer to him even once.

I know is hard for you, but you are better person than these 2 cowards, and sooner or later you will be the winner of this situation.

 

Surprise, surprise - this happened today! His ex left him again (not even a month in) and he felt the need to update me on the situation. I haven't seen him or talked to him since the BU practically.. it caught me a bit by surprise, and I did reply to him.. but all I said was .."well, that's unfortunate.."

 

..I felt a bit like a winner in the situation, but at the same time I also felt a bit bad because of the idea of what we could have been if all of this didn't happen.

[ManyDissapoint]

My bf and I broke up 3 days ago, after being together for couple of months. I know this isn't a very long time, but things got very intense and progressed quickly after we've met. I was slightly hesitant at the beginning because I knew he recently got out of a long term relationship, but there was something about him that made me fall for him hard (I'm usually the type who prefers to take it slow).

 

Shortly after we became exclusive his ex popped back in the picture asking him back, said she misses him and still loves him. He told me about her when that happened and explained all the reasons why they broke up. They've been together for roughly 4 years, lived together but said last year was bad, because she was constantly unhappy and blamed him for everything. One day she just moved out and left him because they wanted different things in life. She said some pretty hurtful things to him (which I never imagined anyone could ever say to someone they love).

 

I asked him whether he'd want to see her again or what's the deal and he said he was more angry than anything that she just popped back, because of how badly she treated him. And sure I believed him and thought nobody in the right mind would ever go back to someone who hurt them that badly. Months has gone by and we were progressing in our relationship, all was good, didn't have any issues and we had pretty strong feelings for each other. I knew, however, every once in a while she contacted him again saying she wanted him back, but I didn't want to get involved with what he should be doing (i.e. blocking her) - I trusted him, trusted what we had and we talked about her openly (him claiming he didn't want the relationship they had back).

 

Then boom - three days ago he tells me he is going back to her and that it's something he needs to do for himself. I was pretty upset and we had a pretty intense argument because I just couldn't believe someone would throw away something good for someone who has mistreated them and hurt them as much as she did. He said this was one of the hardest decisions he had to make and that he's very hurt, because he hurt me and he cares about me, but it's something he needs to do. I told him I don't think her intentions are honest, because nobody just realizes suddenly they want all the same things in life as you do ...but I guess that's irrelevant.

 

Not even 24hrs later he texted me (probably drunk); left 4 msgs and because I didn't reply left the 5th one saying something that he knew meant a lot to me (something we used to say to each other when we were having a bad day). So I replied saying I needed space and that he has to leave me alone, he was upset but I stopped replying. I am really upset and angry that he told me something he knew meant a lot to me after dumping me.. I don't understand why he'd do something like that to me.. he also asked me if I wanted to get coffee next week and I'm not sure what to do ..I haven't replied or decided yet as I feel hurt right now..part of me is curious what he has to say, but another part of me is saying "don't even go there"..

 

I'm just super confused with the whole situation ...

 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I went through something similar many years ago. I met a girl who had gotten out of a 4 year relationship only a few weeks earlier. She claimed she was over him and he mistreated her so she could never go back. The usual stuff. I was wary but I really liked her and I was a lot more trusting of what people say back then.

 

We dated for 4-5 months, even prematurely lived together (in a temporary situation). And one day out of the blue she told me she wanted to be single (lol). She spent the night at his house that very same day, moved in within a week. They are married now and pumping out kids last I saw, so I think she made the right choice. I haven't harbored any resentment for many many years.

 

On the other side of the coin I was dumped a few months ago after a very serious relationship and the fact of the matter is that I'm still at a point where if she came back and said the right things it would make my head spin. I refuse to get into a relationship with anyone until I get come to some better peace with myself in all this.

 

I feel like relationships are just not worth it sometimes. Such a mess.

[Nolan 93]

Wow so she dumped him only a month in that's nice!!!! Right now I feel your pain my current ex left me for her ex we dated 11 months. It's the worst way to have a break up, and I'm guessing they are happy where they are at. You know it sucks when you are there for them and treat them the way they should have been treated and never hurt them in the end. It sucks it really does cause my ex lost a wonderful man, a man who held her, reassured her, fed her, and always planning trips, or dates and finding something to suprise her with never letting the chase end. Her loss though gave that up sadly for him.

 

Well lauren do you think your ex will try and weasel his way back now??

[idoltree]

Surprise, surprise - this happened today! His ex left him again (not even a month in) and he felt the need to update me on the situation. I haven't seen him or talked to him since the BU practically.. it caught me a bit by surprise, and I did reply to him.. but all I said was .."well, that's unfortunate.."

 

..I felt a bit like a winner in the situation, but at the same time I also felt a bit bad because of the idea of what we could have been if all of this didn't happen.

 

Who could have ever seen that coming?

 

He's probably going to try to bounce back to you, but be strong. It won't be because he's had any personal revelations or made changes to himself, it will be because he doesn't want to be alone. If he tries again in a year from now, maybe entertain the possibility. For now, ignore, because you're better than being treated like a safety net.

[Dontfindme]

OP - you are going about this in the right way, I skimmed a bit - but please don't engage him anymore, and move on with your life!

 

Don't let him even think he can come back. You deserve way better than him!