Lugoj89 Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I dated a guy for 2 years. We lived together and there was always a battle with who is the more dominant in the relationship. I have a BFA, a job, and I know what I want. He, however, was still trying to figure it out. He would have non stop issues with himself and I was always there to help him out of it. It came to a point where he would be jealous of my business trips. Well, he broke up with me about 6 months ago. We moved out and I was a mess because I thought it was my fault. I could've been more emotionally involved and stopped being so hard about not letting him in. I was very hard with opening up and he got to a point of being tired of fighting for us. He contacted me a month later. Long story short we moved back in together. This time I moved an hour and half from work so he can go to the academy. 4 months in, things weren't the same. I went on a 3 week business trip in hopes it would help And it did for the first day I was back. After that he went back to resenting me. 3 days after my trip and a week before thanksgiving he tells me he hasn't been in love with me since the first break up. I have never been in love with him. I do care about him very much even thought I don't have those butter flies. When he told me that it was the same way it hurt so much. It's been a week and he's moved out and I'm stuck with the dog and the apartment. We only talk about the bills and rent. I've been ok on a daily basis but every now and then it hits me. He doesn't love me. How? How could he not love me. But I'm not in love with him either. I don't understand why this still hurts me so. I mean I do because I wanted this to work so bad. I guess you can't force yourself to fall in love. I wish It still didn't hurt as much.
lonewalker Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 Love is not about butterfiles in your stomach or the awesome passionate feelings you have. Over time it means sharing moments together, a soul mate whom you can talk about just about everything and the sense of loss when the person isnt around. You realised that what holds you closer isnt when you hug one another tightly. But the longing when you are apart that makes you realised the closeness you shared. Everyone experiences love differently. 1
StalwartMind Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 Quite so like said by lonewalker, people experience love and fondness of others and things in general, quite different. It is entirely possible you just wanted to feel love with this person, and he with you, but it just never felt natural like love can/should. Sometimes I think people fool themselves with what they expect of others and love, and in their pursuit of it, they lose track and end up turning it into a full time job. I've always associated love of others and taking pleasure in things, to be something that is effortless. It basically is a sensation of things just being and feeling right without you even really think much about it. In no way to take anything from you and the relationship with this guy, but it doesn't seem like it benefited either of you. While it's naturally hard to deal with that fact, you both deserve happiness regardless of the mistakes he and you may have made. I think everyone know when they really like/love something or someone. You appreciate the qualities in said person/thing, and to some, they find it impossible to imagine a life without whatever or whomever they've thrown their love over. In essence this is a pretty good guide to confirm your feelings for something is real. It's quite natural to feel hurt over a great disappointment, but it'll become a vital part of you in a good way, because you now have the experience and know at least a bit more of what you don't want from life. I know it can be hard to see the silver lining in something that makes us feel terrible, but it is often the way we learn and refine our core personality. 1
travelbug1996 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 Sounds more like the Ego definitely not Love.
Author Lugoj89 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 StalwartMind I never saw it that way. you are right when it doesn't come naturally there's the problem. I made it my job to make him happy and I washed myself down to avoid fights. I'm just working now on trying to remember this when i feel like i miss him and want to contact me. thank you!
Light Breeze Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Yes I agree with the others that love has different forms even though the butterflies are not there. I think it is often in the form of sacrifice and those little quiet moments that just feels "right". As for your story I'm getting the vibe that you love him, maybe a little. To be able to act like that means you made the sacrifice to make him happy even though it hurt you. But, at the same time it could also be that your effort was bcause you just wanted that love so bad. As to why it hurts, IMHO I think its because you felt you were entitled to be loved by him after all your effort. It might have been a little bit about your ego. I think NC is the best way to go here. This way you can have those blinders off and see the relationship for what it truly is. Stay strong my friend. 1
me85 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Because everyone has an ego and rejection always hurts. Even if you do the rejecting. you still invested your emotions in the RS. You showed up for it. And it still didn't work out. That would bother anyone in any situation. What's love got to do with it? 1
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